Dating question: just found out something about a girl I just met...

[Gymgurl]

I don't talk about it that much unless I think someone needs to be educated on a few things..It was along time ago but thanks guys

 

[GoldenDelicious]

id take a step back from a relationship personally, until you work out how she is coping (really coping) and how the rape will influence how she will perceive you. id be cautious of being used for protection and emotional support at this point. although id probably give the emotional support anyway, rapists should be killed imo

im not implying that she is damaged etc or even prone to do these things...just a lot more likely to have some emotional dramas that will spill over into a relationship

gymgurl, im really sorry to hear it, hope everything was taken care of...

 

[Subzeero]

Wtf!! why am i hearing about so many ppl getting rapped? Its very disturbing. Personally, if I knew a guy who has ever rapped, i would cut his balls off, no questions asked. As goldendelicious said, some of us are not implying that she is damaged or anything, its just that she has been trough a lot and even if she thinks she should get over it and carry on (i hate to say this) she might not be ready to hit it off that early. So give her that emotionally support, be on her side, be her "boyfriend", because I think in part of u being her boyfreind and being with her in the elevator or in the sidewalk only provides her some cycological protection. Throw sex outda window bud. Why are some of us talking about anal sex here? U will be a very nice guy to be able to do that. Good job.

 

[velvett]

And only after a few weeks since the assault she is ready to trust and pursue dating? or even a relationship? Strange.

My first thought as well.
But, then again everyone responds to events differently.

 

[scriptfactory]

My first thought as well.
But, then again everyone responds to events differently.

Like that girl in the Kobe case. She dealt with his rape so well she went out and had sex with someone else the same weekend. That's a tough girl.

 

[Nathan]

Having learned my lesson, the next time a girl tells me she was raped and blah blah blah, I'm backing off until I know what's up for sure. People lie man. I was brought up to think that lying about stuff like rape is pretty much something you just don't do. Don't be a sucker.

 

[Taps]

I hate to sound like an asshole, but if a girl I just met told me she was raped (recently)I don't think I would continue seeing her. To many potential issues to deal with.

If it happened 10 years ago, and she seemed happy and well-adjusted, thats another matter entirely.

 

[wutangnomo]

She was sexually assaulted a couple weeks ago. Currently in the process of identifying and (hopefully) prosecuting her attacker.

Personally I am flattered she confided in me after only a few dates (and multiple, multiple phone calls). She apologized for being stand offish - at first only hinting at some underlying cause (I figured she had a boyfriend on the way out or an asshole of an ex). None the less, her actions in dealing with this whole thing have been very brave.

I am going to continue to persue her in a dating manner - but obviously reign in some of my more sexual overtures for a while.

Anyone else ever have to deal with something like this? Interested to hear your thoughts.

I'll tell you from personal experience this....

Everyone heals in their own way. Everyone responds differently. Those who are saying she has "baggage" don't realize that EVERYONE has some kind of baggage. It's not a matter of baggage, but rather, the way someone goes about in dealing with their baggage that counts.

Of course knowing what you now know, you will have to be extra sensitive with certain issues, in particular sex of course. You may also be a target for which she releases some of her emotional distress, however, understand that it is a natural reaction in how she heals.

Don't judge this woman based on an experience in which she did NOT voluntarily opt for. That is unfair because nobody would choose to have such a thing happen to them. Base your decision on how she is as a person and the nature of her character.

Take things slowly and be there for her as a friend, which I'm sure she needs. Go at her pace and allow her to control certain aspects of the relationship which she will be very reluctant with. Show her that not all men are animals and that there is still goodness left in the world. This situation will definitely be difficult for you as well, however, when it is all said and done it may end up being the best thing that happened to you.

Take care and good luck!

 

[velvett]

Like that girl in the Kobe case. She dealt with his rape so well she went out and had sex with someone else the same weekend. That's a tough girl.

Not quite what I meant - but if you feel better now now that you've expressed yourself about it - I guess that's all that's important.

 

[jerseyart]

Like that girl in the Kobe case. She dealt with his rape so well she went out and had sex with someone else the same weekend. That's a tough girl.

How is that in any way indicative of dealing with it well.

Your assumptions are based on your own mysogynistic "ideals" of proper female behavior. Not all, perhaps not even most, women react to a rape by becoming suddenly frigid and finding sex abhorrent. Some in fact become increasingly promiscous as their feeling of self worth and sense of personal respect crumbles. Others may feel the need to bond with someone else in that way, which is actually a fairly common human response to stress,fear, and tragedy.

Your self assured opinion that one negates the other is puerile and ignorant