Family lawyer...custody battle...need help....Heather? Anyone?

[Bikini Mod]

Sweet jesus! I'm willing to bet more women use the system to their advantage than men get to. Years past it was pretty rare that a father was even awarded custody of the kids regardless of the situation.

Sorry but you are mistaken.. and why is that? Because you NEVER hear about it when a mother loses custody because of the stigma of shame. Just look at the shit I have had to deal with on elite for the past 8 years. You think it is any different in REAL life?

I can't tell you how many people said to me, "You MUST have done SOMETHING to lose custody because EVERYBODY KNOWS that even crackwhores don't lose custody." Shit, it's what I believed to be the truth too... UNTIL IT HAPPENED TO ME.

Guess what?

THAT IS COMPLETELY INCORRECT.

Nobledude - I feel you and I understand that you are trying to be A MAN and *do the right thing*... guess what? I was A WOMAN and *tried like a motherfucker to do the right thing*. You know what it got me?

My kids being abused by their father AND the system for EIGHT YEARS. One I fear is damaged beyond help.

Listen to HeatherRae... You and the child's mother were never legally married so you are already behind the 8ball when it comes to rights.

There is the way things are SUPPOSED to be and then there is the way thing ARE.

NOBODY KNOWS THIS BETTER THAN ME AND MY FOUR CHILDREN.

I give you all the credit in the world for trying to be a good man but trust me when I tell you that for all your good intentions you will get fucked. Already you can not reason with your child's mother. What makes you think that this will change anytime soon? I am not saying that you should tell her you WANT a custody battle because:

1. Clearly you do NOT.

2. You would LOSE anyway as the child's mother has been her primary caretaker.

Tell her that all you want is to be a father to your child. You would like a clear agreement as to scheduled times when you can visit with her and do the things that ANY father would want to do with his baby. This way it will be set schedule for the baby (which is BEST) and for the mother and for you. Everyone will be able to move on with their lives more quickly. And also let her know that you want to have a clear understanding of the amount of childsupport you are to pay her so that it will be proper for taxes for you AND her and make sure that the payments are set up through probation department. This way she is protected (you MUST pay) and you will be protected (she can't EVER say that you didn't meet your financial obligations.

Let me give you just a tiny slice of my reality today. I am ordered for now to pay my exhusband support (twice the amount he EVER paid me) and I have. But he has told my children that "he can't buy school clothes, etc because their whore mother hasn't met with the court order and hasn't paid support." My girls are FURIOUS because they know I live in a very nice house and drive a very nice car and can afford to shop everydamneday if I want. How do you think THEY FEEL that now I am no different than their father was when they lived with me and he MADE ME take him to court (cost me over 1200K to get 1200 in support) to get the childsupport money that we were due? But that dumb motherfucker doesn't realize that he can *say* whatever the fuck he wants (dumbass filed a motion to take me to court for the money). Hello! DIPSHIT the money is drawn directly from my bank via postal money order (which can be traced) and was paid directly to the state to be dispersed to him. Ummmmmmm I have printouts of the dates and check numbers and amounts that were mailed to him.

See, everyone is protected this way. Perhaps if you bring it up to your baby's mother this way she may be more willing to comply.

For EVERYONE'S protection a formal legal agreement is best. Reassure her that this is NOT a custody battle, but that you want life to be better defined for EVERYONE.

 

[puddlemonkey]

Sorry but you are mistaken.. and why is that? Because you NEVER hear about it when a mother loses custody because of the stigma of shame. Just look at the shit I have had to deal with on elite for the past 8 years. You think it is any different in REAL life?

I can't tell you how many people said to me, "You MUST have done SOMETHING to lose custody because EVERYBODY KNOWS that even crackwhores don't lose custody." Shit, it's what I believed to be the truth too... UNTIL IT HAPPENED TO ME.

Guess what?

THAT IS COMPLETELY INCORRECT.

Nobledude - I feel you and I understand that you are trying to be A MAN and *do the right thing*... guess what? I was A WOMAN and *tried like a motherfucker to do the right thing*. You know what it got me?

My kids being abused by their father AND the system for EIGHT YEARS. One I fear is damaged beyond help.

Listen to HeatherRae... You and the child's mother were never legally married so you are already behind the 8ball when it comes to rights.

There is the way things are SUPPOSED to be and then there is the way thing ARE.

NOBODY KNOWS THIS BETTER THAN ME AND MY FOUR CHILDREN.

I give you all the credit in the world for trying to be a good man but trust me when I tell you that for all your good intentions you will get fucked. Already you can not reason with your child's mother. What makes you think that this will change anytime soon? I am not saying that you should tell her you WANT a custody battle because:

1. Clearly you do NOT.

2. You would LOSE anyway as the child's mother has been her primary caretaker.

Tell her that all you want is to be a father to your child. You would like a clear agreement as to scheduled times when you can visit with her and do the things that ANY father would want to do with his baby. This way it will be set schedule for the baby (which is BEST) and for the mother and for you. Everyone will be able to move on with their lives more quickly. And also let her know that you want to have a clear understanding of the amount of childsupport you are to pay her so that it will be proper for taxes for you AND her and make sure that the payments are set up through probation department. This way she is protected (you MUST pay) and you will be protected (she can't EVER say that you didn't meet your financial obligations.

Let me give you just a tiny slice of my reality today. I am ordered for now to pay my exhusband support (twice the amount he EVER paid me) and I have. But he has told my children that "he can't buy school clothes, etc because their whore mother hasn't met with the court order and hasn't paid support." My girls are FURIOUS because they know I live in a very nice house and drive a very nice car and can afford to shop everydamneday if I want. How do you think THEY FEEL that now I am no different than their father was when they lived with me and he MADE ME take him to court (cost me over 1200K to get 1200 in support) to get the childsupport money that we were due? But that dumb motherfucker doesn't realize that he can *say* whatever the fuck he wants (dumbass filed a motion to take me to court for the money). Hello! DIPSHIT the money is drawn directly from my bank via postal money order (which can be traced) and was paid directly to the state to be dispersed to him. Ummmmmmm I have printouts of the dates and check numbers and amounts that were mailed to him.

See, everyone is protected this way. Perhaps if you bring it up to your baby's mother this way she may be more willing to comply.

For EVERYONE'S protection a formal legal agreement is best. Reassure her that this is NOT a custody battle, but that you want life to be better defined for EVERYONE.

Sweet jesus x2! I don't have the attention span to read all of that.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Sweet jesus x2! I don't have the attention span to read all of that.

Then perhaps you should hold your tongue?

 

[puddlemonkey]

Then perhaps you should hold your tongue?

No ways! No can do when I know I'm right

 

[Bikini Mod]

No ways! No can do when I know I'm right

Oh I forgot about the *you being right* part ....even we BOTH KNOW you aren't.

 

[mrplunkey]

Four pages in... with drama included at no extra charge!

Funny how no one has even asked him if he's established legal paternity yet. Is your name under "Father" of the birth certificate? Does the child bear your last name? Ideally (but I know you don't), you have a provision in place signed by a judge that establishes a certain amount of money you set aside each month for the baby?

Here's why you'd want that signed provision. Let's say little tyke reaches 18. You do realize that without formal proof on your part that you've been supporting the child at least to minimum standards, in some states she can sue you for back-payment of child support? Even if you have been buying the kid clothes or writing him checks, they have to be formal "child support" checks from you to his mother.

Its a baaaaad situation to be in. Good luck.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Four pages in... with drama included at no extra charge!

Funny how no one has even asked him if he's established legal paternity yet. Is your name under "Father" of the birth certificate? Does the child bear your last name? Ideally (but I know you don't), you have a provision in place signed by a judge that establishes a certain amount of money you set aside each month for the baby?

Here's why you'd want that signed provision. Let's say little tyke reaches 18. You do realize that without formal proof on your part that you've been supporting the child at least to minimum standards, in some states she can sue you for back-payment of child support? Even if you have been buying the kid clothes or writing him checks, they have to be formal "child support" checks from you to his mother.

Its a baaaaad situation to be in. Good luck.

In a perfect world youe advice (which is sound) would seem the most cut and dry - no drama included, right? But you don't seem to realize that we are talking about off-the-boat Romanians (if memory serves both Nobledude and his child's mother are Romanian) here. The shit that will hit the fan when *all of the sudden* Nobledude goes to his ex and says, "I need us to take a medical test to prove that this child is truly mine." will be unbelievable.

It has to be done, I agree; for EVERYONE's protection but in her eyes and in her mother's eyes and in the eyes of the Romanian community this is akin to calling her a whore. There is NOTHING worse that a European man could say to his woman or any other woman. She may get so insulted by this simple (and necessary) request that she may just pack "the bastard child that he is now questioning is even his" that she will put her AND the child on a plane straight back to Romania.

You think I am kidding? You wanna see drama... LOL

You ain't seen NUTHIN yet.

It is far better if he goes the route that I and the others before me advised and just get a schedule for visitation (including the path she must take in order to take the baby back home) and set support amount so it will be "easier for the baby and his mother." Psychologically this angle will yield the best result. The word "custody" should never EVER escape his lips or he will lose any ability to be in the life of that child FOREVER.

.... just my 2 cents. Nobledude and I come from similar cultures so he knows I am not talking out of my wazoo. Who knows? Maybe *magically* his ex will just wake up today and *be normal*.

What do you think the chances of that happening are?

 

[mrplunkey]

In a perfect world youe advice (which is sound) would seem the most cut and dry - no drama included, right? But you don't seem to realize that we are talking about off-the-boat Romanians (if memory serves both Nobledude and his child's mother are Romanian) here. The shit that will hit the fan when *all of the sudden* Nobledude goes to his ex and says, "I need us to take a medical test to prove that this child is truly mine." will be unbelievable.

It has to be done, I agree; for EVERYONE's protection but in her eyes and in her mother's eyes and in the eyes of the Romanian community this is akin to calling her a whore. There is NOTHING worse that a European man could say to his woman or any other woman. She may get so insulted by this simple (and necessary) request that she may just pack "the bastard child that he is now questioning is even his" that she will put her AND the child on a plane straight back to Romania.

You think I am kidding? You wanna see drama... LOL

You ain't seen NUTHIN yet.

It is far better if he goes the route that I and the others before me advised and just get a schedule for visitation (including the path she must take in order to take the baby back home) and set support amount so it will be "easier for the baby and his mother." Psychologically this angle will yield the best result. The word "custody" should never EVER escape his lips or he will lose any ability to be in the life of that child FOREVER.

.... just my 2 cents. Nobledude and I come from similar cultures so he knows I am not talking out of my wazoo. Who knows? Maybe *magically* his ex will just wake up today and *be normal*.

What do you think the chances of that happening are?

My post had nothing to do with him asking her to give the child a paternity test, or even getting a paternity test done in general.

I was asking about legal paternity -- has it already been legally established? If his name isn't on the birth certificate or some other state-by-state method to establish paternity (and again, it varies by state), he'll have absolutely zero legal rights to the kid at this point.

 

[heatherrae]

My post had nothing to do with him asking her to give the child a paternity test, or even getting a paternity test done in general.

I was asking about legal paternity -- has it already been legally established? If his name isn't on the birth certificate or some other state-by-state method to establish paternity (and again, it varies by state), he'll have absolutely zero legal rights to the kid at this point.

that is true. paternity must be established first, if it hasn't been.

The man can file the paternity action.

 

[mrplunkey]

that is true. paternity must be established first, if it hasn't been.

The man can file the paternity action.

And I may be biased too, because TN is particularly rough on this one. There's not common law marriage here, and I think there's nothing similar regarding children.

So here, you can live with a woman for 10 years, have a kid with her, then live with her and the kid 10 more years. You can pay every bill. You can live like the perfect married couple. But if you aren't married and there isn't a line of paternity linking the man to the child, he's got zero legal rights if she wants to take-off.

The guy's only recourse is to sue and from there he could gain rights to the child. Also, the woman only needs to say: "I never received child support payments" and if you don't have a written agreement or canceled checks that say: "child support", you didn't officially pay child support. So she can file for back child support was well -- even if you've provided 100% support for woman and child for those last 10 years.

But again, I bet every state varies too.