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I damn near killed myself masturbating tonight

puddlemonkey

puddlemonkey

thou shalt not shill
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I'll probably regret telling you guys this but whatever. I'm checking out this site named pornhub someone mentioned on razorguns thread. It's like a youtube version of porn. Anyway, it's getting late and I figure now would be a good time to rub one out before bed. I usually don't do it in front of the computer but it's good to change things up every once in awhile.

After a brief search I find an intriguing video and I start to go to work on myself. Vid starts out with a little mish, onto some reverse cowgirl, then some doggy. As I'm getting close to completion I begin to slouch more and more in my chair trying to find that sweet spot before I release. That's when I hear, CRACK!!! With my right hand still engaged I go soaring off the chair! Having catlike reflexes I grab the left arm of the chair but my bodyweight rips it right off and I take it with me as I fall back onto a pile of dirty laundry (for once being lazy and not using my hamper paid off!)

I lay there on the floor trying to gather my thoughts and wrap my mind around what just happened. I look over and notice my chair is no longer in one piece, it's in three. I completely separated the back of my chair from the seat portion, and where the arm rest use to be is now just a metal shank. And of course by this time I am completely limp and blue balled. I tweaked my back pretty bad on the way down, took some hydrocodone and can feel it kicking in now. Just when I thought this day couldn't suck any more it finds a way of doing just that.
 
Look at these sissy-ass bolts!

35jji0x.jpg




Whats left of my chair :(

1z4k0th.jpg
 
u do it every nite .. stop the madness .. !! thats why the chair broke from wear and tear lol
 
hurricane said:
u do it every nite .. stop the madness .. !! thats why the chair broke from wear and tear lol
Click to expand...

Yeah, I do it every night, but usually in my own bed.

I was just putting too much stress on the chair by slouching and leaning back. Didn't think it would snap right off though. Good new is I get to go shopping for a new chair!!! I :heart: shopping.
 
Slightly different angle and I would have hit the back of my head on a dresser. I guess today didn't suck as much as it could have.
 
If you have the fleshlight hooked up to a chair on wheels you could have just banged the chair but taping or strapping it on there. It might have saved you the chair. You know they have three different sleeves for that apparatus and well, for you the have the backward one (anally speaking if ya know what I mean, LOL kidding). Maybe invest, and save the chairs.

K for having the blue-balls to post such a thread.
 
Ok , so really, when do you tell us about the part where in the process of falling you "landed" on the bowling pin you had on the floor and that is really how you ended up in the ER.
 
Office Depot $39.99 chairs are not reliable for heavy duty monkey beating.

I would go back, explain what happened and ask for a replacement.
 
Honestly dude, I just got back from the gym after completing an intense workout and reading this post, thinkin of u rubbin one of had me gag!

Some things best of keepin to yaself.

Especially if your fat ass breaking your chair is involved in it as well
 
He was jerking off so furiously that his right hand was knuckle deep in those jelly rolls and he couldn't save himself from doing a backflip out of the chair.

ok, I better run along before he gets back.
 
:lmao:

The rest of you should try harder to follow Puddle's example and post awesome threads like this. We need more entertaining and well-written monkeys around here, dammit.

BTW, definitely TOTW.



:cow:
 
I just woke up and my back is killing me. I'm gonna go pop a hydrocodone then I'll be back to rip each and every one of you a new asshole.
 
could have been worse... the seat to the chair could have gave way and fell through the metal base and kabobed your own anus. would have sucked to find you with your cawk still in your hand and a chair up your ass.

did you hear about the guy who put a condom over his head and died???? i could have swore the article said he was jerking off and straight up passed out with it still on. the article said it was some kinda sexual conquest like choking yourself and tugging it. alot of people end up hanging themselves... sick fucks. i'll stick to wrapping my dick in tin foil and sticking it into a light socket.... noobs
 
Ha! Puddle prevails! I found my receipt for the chair and it's less than two years old. Was a little dishonest about how I broke it, but nonetheless they gave me a new chair!!!
 
AAP said:
Office Depot $39.99 chairs are not reliable for heavy duty monkey beating.

I would go back, explain what happened and ask for a replacement.
Click to expand...

I'm gonna put your name on that metal shank.. as a reminder of who I wanna give it to.
 
Cardinal Slin said:
Honestly dude, I just got back from the gym after completing an intense workout and reading this post, thinkin of u rubbin one of had me gag!

Some things best of keepin to yaself.

Especially if your fat ass breaking your chair is involved in it as well
Click to expand...

You rubbed one out to the visual of me rubbing one out. Don't lie!
 
PuddleMonkey said:
Ha! Puddle prevails! I found my receipt for the chair and it's less than two years old. Was a little dishonest about how I broke it, but nonetheless they gave me a new chair!!!
Click to expand...

Were they able to keep a straight face and not make fat jokes?
 
It's Cindy's fault! If she had just sent me the strip tease video I requested I could have had it DVDRed and been in the bedroom where none of this could have happened.
 
ive been sick man....its screwing everything up bro? i might do a light workout tonight...thanks for the concern bro
 
It's hard to find a good chair for a 250 lb. guy who slouches. My present $48.95 special is going to fail soon.
 
Mr. dB said:
It's hard to find a good chair for a 250 lb. guy who slouches. My present $48.95 special is going to fail soon.
Click to expand...

Tell me about it, this one was less than $200 but I don't use it a ton. I spend a lot of time in my chair at work, that bad boy was 4 figures!
 
beat beat beat beat beat beat!!! arghhhearhhea crumpled pile on the ground..

wtf would you slouch forward anyways??

hahahahaha man was your dick chaffed from the friction of such a savage chair imploding cockbeating?
 
i know you are informed on masterbation and blindness..

I know you think you can do it up until you just need glasses and then stop..

but braille is hard to learn man..
 
Breaking the furniture while having sex by yourself is a helluva accomplishment, well done Puddles!!!

Above average sized people break furniture :whatever: it's one of the hazards in addition to hitting your head, barking your shins, busting furniture while engaged in vigorous sexual activity just comes with the territory.
 
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