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Anyone here been through a divorce before? I seriously don't know what to do. I'll explain what is going on "after" I see some people reply. I don't want to type my life away and then not have anyone reply. LOL
Think I might want a divorce
- Thread starter nimbus
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needtogetarmy
CEO of Project Mayhem
I almost went through a divorce earlier this year.
We went to counseling. After the first meeting she said she 'didn't want to change.' Things got a little better for a while.
Fast forward 8 months later things are back to where they were. I am ready for a divorce but I have a 6 month old and 2 yr 5 mth old that need their pappi in the home.
I do not know how much longer I can go on though. I am planning on ending it next summer. I have been telling myself that for years. Hopefully I will be ready when the summer comes around.
Our problem is that we do not have much in common anymore. I am a neat and organized person, she is a hoarder. I like sex fairly often, she can go without sex for months. The list goes on. My children are the only reason why I am here.
I'd have an affair but I am not the cheating type. I wish she would cheat so I would have an instant reason to leave.
We went to counseling. After the first meeting she said she 'didn't want to change.' Things got a little better for a while.
Fast forward 8 months later things are back to where they were. I am ready for a divorce but I have a 6 month old and 2 yr 5 mth old that need their pappi in the home.
I do not know how much longer I can go on though. I am planning on ending it next summer. I have been telling myself that for years. Hopefully I will be ready when the summer comes around.
Our problem is that we do not have much in common anymore. I am a neat and organized person, she is a hoarder. I like sex fairly often, she can go without sex for months. The list goes on. My children are the only reason why I am here.
I'd have an affair but I am not the cheating type. I wish she would cheat so I would have an instant reason to leave.
cw801
New member
I was married to my kids' dad for about 7 years, but it was all wrong right from the start. Got married because we had a baby.......our relationship was dysfunctional and one sided from the beginning, and he had addiction issues that I hadn't even realized fully until after we were married. I had my boy a couple of years later, while things were still decent......but it just went downhill from there. As a mom of two young children, I stayed at first for the kids, and for financial reasons, of course. But there came a time when I was OK financially, and I finally figured out that it wasn't better for my kids to grow up thinking that my relationship with their dad was how all relationships and marriages should be (no love, no intimacy, no respect - just coldness and fighting). A happy parent is a GOOD parent. Life is far too short to be miserable and lonely in a marriage.......and my kids needed to see what a real, loving relationship was like. I left.......never looked back. It was absolutely the right decision......but it was hard - emotionally, it was horrible........guilt, second guessing, not knowing the future, dealing with court, the soon-to-be ex, watching the kids learn to adjust....it was definitely NOT easy or painless. But it WAS worth it........
I have been with my current husband for almost 9 years now, and he has been an integral part of my children's lives. We have a normal relationship.....with love....and respect....and my kids got to grow up seeing that THIS is what a relationship is supposed to be like. So......as hard as it was in the beginning........it was absolutely the right choice.
I don't condone divorce......but there are certainly times when it's just better to sever the ties and move onto something better for EVERYONE.
If you are fair, honest, respect your significant other, and are true to yourself......divorce isn't always a negative thing.
I have been with my current husband for almost 9 years now, and he has been an integral part of my children's lives. We have a normal relationship.....with love....and respect....and my kids got to grow up seeing that THIS is what a relationship is supposed to be like. So......as hard as it was in the beginning........it was absolutely the right choice.
I don't condone divorce......but there are certainly times when it's just better to sever the ties and move onto something better for EVERYONE.
If you are fair, honest, respect your significant other, and are true to yourself......divorce isn't always a negative thing.
I agree. My bro is in a horrible marriage. He stays for the kid, but so not worth it. I've watched many a friend divorce. Just make sure the river is dry before u go there.
been divorced twice...I actually don't recommend an attorney per se'
go with mediation instead..its cheaper and keeps it a little more civil I think...if mediation doesn't work out you can always default to an attorney at that point
good luck
go with mediation instead..its cheaper and keeps it a little more civil I think...if mediation doesn't work out you can always default to an attorney at that point
good luck
None of them could put up with you huh?
Army Vet I am not the cheating type either. the worst thing I did was make out and touch once whenn I had a gf, I could ever do i again.
I say this cus cheating if hidden I could see could hold a bad marriage together( yes I know thats horrible)
but I could never cheat
I say this cus cheating if hidden I could see could hold a bad marriage together( yes I know thats horrible)
but I could never cheat
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in some rare instances i could see/heard of that working, even with the other spouse knowing about it.
as long as it wasn't thrown in their faces.
Let me clarify my unusual statement.
My father ran many high end restaurants in SF.
I was the matri'de (sp?) at my fathers place.
I would see professional business men and politicians come in with mistresses, only later in the month to bring their wives.
I observed and noticed in these older cheaters, that they treated their wives Great and their Family... but had a mistress to address some type of need or something "lost" that they found.
The thing that made me feel they were not complete scum is that they treated their wives great, and their kids. They also treated the mistresses with respect.
I still could never cheat , but I can see in rare cases how for some its something they need to patchwork their happiness.
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needtogetarmy
CEO of Project Mayhem
I'm a horndog but in the end I need that emotional attachment. If I cheat and find the right person why not just get divorced.
I am counting down the days.
digimon7068
New member
dude...i thought you were already divorced...from ef! where the hell you been??
needtogetarmy
CEO of Project Mayhem
javaguru
Banned
Yes...
That being said, do everything you can to make it work and after that...you'll consider it the best decision you've ever made.
You have to expect either you, or your spouse is going to fall for someone else at some point. Expect it and prepare for it, back way before it goes too far
Maybe I'm naive....
But i expect that whoever I choose to marry someday to not allow themselves to get close enough to anyone to fall for them. Falling in love doesn't just happen....there are a series of choices and situations that lead to it that can be avoided if someone makes that choice (including but not limited to not having one on one time with anyone of the opposite sex, not having any kind of intimate conversation with members of the opposite sex, not confiding in or turning to anyone other than same sex friends, family and spouse for support, etc).
Again...I'm not married and maybe I'm stupid....but I think falling in love with someone else is completely avoidable.
Going through a divorce right now, actually its suppose to be out anniversary today....its been 2 years now, if it wasn't for my divorce i wouldn't have found the girl of my dreams, it took a lot out of me but now i'm fine. Its a little difficult with kids, actually ALOT...Im a happier guy now and thats all the matters is happiness. I'm here to talk anytime bro, i've gotten a lot of advice and its helped me a lot....made me a way stronger person.
javaguru
Banned
You don't have to be married to understand something I consider a very basic tenant of the relationship contract. You don't put yourself in situations where you might be tempted to make the wrong decision. My best friend went through the "girls night out" fight with his current wife when they started dating. Tina is a sensible woman and she agreed but he had to agree to no guys nights out either. We would meet to watch games at the sports bar but Tina was ALWAYS invited and she's a cool chick so we encouraged her to come....since we're all business owners or self-employed he could complain about stuff before she arrived from her 9-5 HR job. Guess what, neither has the desire to do any of it... Too many people want to have the proverbial "cake and eat it too." A little mutual respect and genuine love goes a long way...but I might be wrong.
You're not stupid. You're just expecting your marriage to always be strong. It's not always going to be strong. When it's weak, women will be there to find chinks in your man's armour.
No, I'm actually not. I know marriages have rise and fall. But even in the fall, I expect my eventual husband not to ever turn to another woman for anything, unless it's his mother. I know this probably gets harder to keep up with time, but it's still a choice on my hypothetical spouses part to avoid any kind of emotional closeness to another woman. I know some women are sharks sniffing out blood, but men aren't helpless creatures unable to avoid advances, and while they may not always make the right choice, I EXPECT them to.
Again, who knows, maybe i'm naive, but I'd rather get blindsided than accept that it's going to happen. That's a sustained misery I couldn't live with, personally.
javaguru
Banned
As a man, men need to be more responsible for the health of their marriage. I was taught that working hard and taking care of your family while being at home is enough. On the other hand Oprah teaches women their guy needs to be a girlfriend with a penis. IMO, the Oprah effect has caused some problems because men are expected to understand their woman but the values of being a male are minimized.
nefferz, I agree w/ you. However, I don't think it hurts to prepare. If I've learned anything it's that all people are liars and all people will fail you. A-L-L. There is no perfect man or woman out there no matter how perfect they seem when you marry them. It is what it is. That's just my two cents.
I have seen 2 kinds of falling in Love
1: is the "spark" where a couple just has it... even if on paper they are not perfect.
2: is loving through shared experience and commonalities, kinda almost 'freindy or freindlike"
there just something about 1 that is best though more immature.
I say all this for any man that has a spark with his women and seeks another just cus he can is a grade a Asshole
1: is the "spark" where a couple just has it... even if on paper they are not perfect.
2: is loving through shared experience and commonalities, kinda almost 'freindy or freindlike"
there just something about 1 that is best though more immature.
I say all this for any man that has a spark with his women and seeks another just cus he can is a grade a Asshole
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mustang_00
Well-known member
with an attitude like that i'd be doing whatever your wife is doing too! i hope she's beating you!
Lancer55
Elite Greek
lol what if she is wont you feel bad?
mustang_00
Well-known member
if she's built like jay cutler yeah. if she's a tiny little asian chick absolutely not! emotions are for the weak!
live life by the code of cobra kai "sweep the legs, show no mercy"
Cw801 your a beautiful women and thats neato it really is.
However sharing stuff like this shows who you really are, THANKYOU for sharing. its posts like these that you just made that help alot of people
thankyou
this will sound druggy like lol
but have you ever done mdma with her?
It has been used with great success in couple therapy
Your not naive
and I tell you that the "good ones" of both sexes have honor and loyalty in their Love.
Lancer55
Elite Greek
I dunno where you come up with this stuff lol
jnevin
New member
Yes. And really truly make sure you've done EVERYTHING you can or you'll have it nagging at you for the rest of your life.
No one is perfect, and I'm fully aware that everyone is capable of letting me down....but I just can't live like that, preparing for it. And people not being perfect doesn't mean it isn't still pretty easy to avoid a love kind of situation.
in teaching scuba, we tell students that you fall in the direction you are looking. I feel like that applies to life. Like if you expect something, you might subconsciously do things to help it along. Doesn't mean an unexpected swell couldn't come along and throw you off the boat, but if you look down when you jump, you are setting yourself up for a belly flop.
Maybe so. I dunno. :shrug:
I am re married now but leaving my ex was the best thing I have ever done! he was a Mentally abusive, controlling, manipulative, psyco! I am me again after 6 years with out that prick and it took about that long to get over the mental abuse and learn how to be me again he even contested the divorce which made it take a year to get rid of him but I would do it a million times over again to save my mental sanity and my daughters as well!
So true bro, it takes 2, to make a relationship work...no matter how hard one person tries it wont work unless they are both committed to a marriage
digimon7068
New member
ok, numbnuts! you got 6 pages of advice and no one knows your situation...time to spill the beans...so the real "counseling" can begin
Nef I agree with you that one would expect for your spouse to not fall in love or put themselves in that situation, but theory and practice do not go hand in hand.... not everyone is as loyal as they seem or even as they'd like to be....
billfred
New member
dude this is all i could read
Exactly
nah, my brother and sister in law have been together for 22 years and they're only in their 30's. They still do everything together, on yet another vacation as we speak. I don't think I've seen them argue since they were teens.
I stand by what I've said for years, there are two things that will break love/marriage. A lack of money and/or children. Couples can have other problems in their relationship, infidelity etc, but it's usually tied in with one of those two things.
Well, I'm not saying it can't or won't happen. expectation and prediction are two different things. When I say expectation, I am talking about setting a standard of conduct. Like terms of a contract. Doesn't sound very romantic, but that's the best way I can put it.
I'm not sure I could ever forgive a hypothetical husband of cheating sexually....I'd just be so crushed, and it would do so much damage to my trust and self esteem, I don't know how I could get over it. But I'd be more likely to forgive that than falling in love. That's such a deeper betrayal to me.
Credited fucking response.
Looking at society for the past 20, 50, 100 years... the individual no longer requires others in order to exist. Groups and family units are fundamentally changing.
Just as there are advantages to such empowerment and self-reliance, so too are there costs.
To be honest, i can't stand when people joke around in these threads...divorce is one of the toughest things to endure in life...it has taken so much work just to get over this...Divorce with the kids has to be the hardest thing to deal with in life...maybe im just a pussy but it took alot of tears and years off my life, but in retrospect you come out a stronger individual....you learn SO much about yourself. I love everyone here for there support in what i've went through. You are all like family to me. Literally.
reality divorced Omega a long time ago
Nor should you try to get over it or forgive that transgression.
When a man or a women has another in the grace of Love, makes a home with them , them then chooses to defile the innocent that loved them, they deserve nothing. The have shown themselves to be fickle and not worthy of kin ship
mrplunkey
New member
You'll reach a point where you are on the other side and it won't bother you so much. I used an absolutely incredible lawyer and he told me point-blank that it would take two years from the time the final judgment is signed.
Believe it or not, there will be a point where you'll joke about it as well.
Honestly, its nothing to do with the money, good lawyers blah blah blah im over that...its the seperation of a family..the kids have to deal with this more than anyone..it hurts alot, i will definetly never joke about this situation...the only thing i will ever want to get is closure.
javaguru
Banned
+1, especially if you have children, my sister's divorce has split the family into factions and all the kids are grown professionals.
My parents are divorced and I'm totally fine.
Just go with it rob.
javaguru
Banned
My parents are divorced and I'm totally fine.
I'm surprised you posted for two reasons...
#1. You aren't at the strip club.
#2. You didn't post a link to nomarriage.com
mustang_00
Well-known member
a all you can eat buffet would be more believable
digimon7068
New member
yup...complimentary theories about money is number one and kids are probably number two...interesting...i never figured you for one of those higher primates...i'll be keeping my eye on you.
Yeah....but what about the long term damage of growing up with two parents who demonstrate all the things a relationship shouldn't be?
Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in divorce except in situations where there really is no other option. But I was also forutnate to grow up in a home where my parents didn't hide the lows from me, didn't hide the work they put in to make things good again, and in the end didn't hide how much stronger they came out of those points of struggle. I'll never forget something my mom said to me about seven years ago: "Divorce would be the easy thing to do here. But I love your father too much for that." At this point they are closer than they've ever been.
I think I'm more likelely to chose the right person for the right reasons because of that. If I'd grown up in a home with parents who just stayed together bc of me but were miserable, I probably would have ended up marrying the guy I dated for four years because I would have that that dysfunction was normal.
This is Sooo true
uamaverick
New member
I think approaches to relationships are influenced by how your parents got along, but a lot of it depends on where you are mentally and how you view society and the world. My parents hated each other most of the time growing up. I can remember some happy times before I was 10 years old, but most of it after that, and especially all of it age 14 and up, was terrible. My mom played every mind game with my dad, and my dad knew it but put up with it. I know they stayed together for me, because as soon as I graduated high school, they got divorced.
The way my parents' bad example impacted me was how easily I trusted people. For a long time, I had a very difficult time trusting women. Now, I'm fortunate to be very good friends with a married couple who are extremely happy with their marriage. It's amazing to see how they are with each other, and it really does represent a lot of what I feel a marriage should be. Being able to see that has changed my opinion of society, women, and relationships. I'm also fortunate enough to have a girl in my life that I share a lot of that same connection with. I'm not saying she's the one I'll marry, but it feels good to know that relationships can be a beautiful thing.
I don't think anyone who comes from a dysfunctional parental marriage is doomed to be dysfunctional by any means. I just don't think it does a child any favors to be around both parents when both parents are miserable.
uamaverick
New member
No, it doesn't help by any means. I didn't treat my first real girlfriend in high school very well, and it's because of how my parents were. I was able to escape that. I never turned to alcohol or sex/hookups to deal with my negative viewpoints on relationships. I was able to be transparent and objective enough with myself to understand the issues I had with my own temperament, and was able to change. A lot of other men never really grasp that, and end up in bad relationships because of their outlook on things and how they respond to adversity.
bakemeacookie
New member
never married.
happy.
the end.
c
happy.
the end.
c
titcr
needtogetarmy
CEO of Project Mayhem
lol If I knew where to get some I would try it.
She won't even take aspirin when she has a headache.
Just read every page of this post and noticed 2 things.
1) did the guy who started the tread ever come back and take time to explain "his story"? I mean most here are trying to hepl and he cant even come back and add the rest of the story.
2) How many people were affected by their divorce like I was. Woot man I feel ya. I have been divorced for 6 years now and I can tell you that even when you do everything you could to work it out...and even after you get to the part to where you know that your in a much better situation now...none if it matters because every time I have to let my daughter go back to her mothers i have to watch her leave. I have to sit in a house and not hear her footsteps running in the house...I dont hear the laughter that makes me smile to just hear. There is no way that anyone can comprehend the pain and suffering that everyone in a family goes thru when a divorce occurs. 6 year.....6years and that wound reopens when she leaves me. I have joint custody of my daughter but not being able to tuck her in bed everynight suck....not being there for her to run to me when she has the bad dream...man the list could go on and on....divorce sucks. I dont miss her mom at all...but i miss my daughter every minute that she is away.
1) did the guy who started the tread ever come back and take time to explain "his story"? I mean most here are trying to hepl and he cant even come back and add the rest of the story.
2) How many people were affected by their divorce like I was. Woot man I feel ya. I have been divorced for 6 years now and I can tell you that even when you do everything you could to work it out...and even after you get to the part to where you know that your in a much better situation now...none if it matters because every time I have to let my daughter go back to her mothers i have to watch her leave. I have to sit in a house and not hear her footsteps running in the house...I dont hear the laughter that makes me smile to just hear. There is no way that anyone can comprehend the pain and suffering that everyone in a family goes thru when a divorce occurs. 6 year.....6years and that wound reopens when she leaves me. I have joint custody of my daughter but not being able to tuck her in bed everynight suck....not being there for her to run to me when she has the bad dream...man the list could go on and on....divorce sucks. I dont miss her mom at all...but i miss my daughter every minute that she is away.
I couldn't imagine not having my daughter all the time. I couldn't imagine not having her on every Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Just thinking about it hurts and makes me anxious.
when you are old and in your death groans (old in your case early 50s), shitting yourself to sleep and having to blend your
twinkies and steaks, i hope that e-marriage delivers.
discuss
*runs away weeping*
mrplunkey
New member
I cited an incredible lawyer because he also gave me excellent personal advice, as opposed to pure legal work.
Once your kids hit a certain age (it varies from kid to kid -- as early as 12 and as late as 16), the family separates regardless of your legal status. They develop their own networks of friends and learn to build their own, independent lives. Now if they don't, then you really do have something serious to worry about.
well neighbor i disagre...i dont think a family separates.....when the kids get to be that age the dynamic changes...but not separate.
wtf
javaguru
Banned
I cited an incredible lawyer because he also gave me excellent personal advice, as opposed to pure legal work.
Once your kids hit a certain age (it varies from kid to kid -- as early as 12 and as late as 16), the family separates regardless of your legal status. They develop their own networks of friends and learn to build their own, independent lives. Now if they don't, then you really do have something serious to worry about.
TITCR...Once the kids can drive they write the visitation agreement. I've dated enough MILFs to vouch for this...
