DESPERATE - Special case in need of advice

[SoVeryCherry]

After countless hours of online research, I was elated and quite thankful to have found this forum.
I have never taken a steroid of any kind but have been contemplating doing so recently, though I would not act hastily upon my interest knowing so many dangers and terrible negative side effects are possible, especially with women. I knew it was crucial to my safety and success that I learn as much as possible before selecting the best steroid for my needs and the proper dosage. I have read a great deal of conflicting information but that has not discouraged me as I know that EVERY WOMAN REACTS DIFFERENTLY.
My only problem now, is not knowing WHICH to take. I have had Winstrol Injection recommended to me most of all, but have noticed through my online research Anavar rivals Winstrol in favorable reviews... I am going to purchase my cycle on Tuesday for my birthday and am nervous I may choose the wrong drug.
I would like to explain my body condition and what I hope to achieve and hope that the members of this site will offer feedback and personal experiences to allow me a better informed decision, as I again have NO experience in steroid use whatsoever and I know this is the best forum for which to seek advice.
I am a petite yet curvaceous woman, and did regularly and faithfully maintain an excellent diet and exercise regimen - and worked as a model - til my husband died suddenly at the age of 30, right next to me, of a brain annuerism. I was pregnant at the time. Before he was buried I lost the baby too. I slumped into a depression where I lay bedridden for an entire year, attempting suicide several times. I nearly starved myself to death, eating nothing for about a month but once down to nearly 80 lbs I sustained myself on one can of soup per day, and only to throw off suspicion in front of my family. After an entire year of wasting away I somehow found my way back to the world of the living... but at 26 something remains from that desperate and suicidal period that hinders my ability to completely move on and feel at all hopeful about my youth, let alone any sort of future.
My legs now show visible muscular atrophy.
It has been so hard to come back from where I was two years ago and feeling so self-conscious and insecure because of this has become a tremendous obstacle in trying to live again...
For the past year I have returned to my healthy diet and I am at my normal weight of 108. My body looks absolutely stunning - with my clothes on. A perfect hourglass figure. No one knows that hiding beneath the jeans and long dresses it's a different story. I live in Miami and have not worn a skirt or pair of shorts in two years and wonder if I will ever be able to again - and not being able to dress cooler in the extreme heat keeps me trapped inside to this day. My thighs were once sculpted and cut, the envy of all my friends - now they are spongy, weak, the tissue sags slightly and though I am thin - it appears as if I have cellulite covering the fronts of my legs, all the way down to my kneecaps. It disgusts me, and I cannot bear to look at myself in the mirror without breaking down into tears. It's devastating.
I finally began working out again, determined to shed this constant memory of all that pain - but as I see no results - at least not fast enough when you live in this body after all its been through, - I become depressed and cannot stay motivated to exercise... instead I slump back into inertia and lie in bed crying for days - feeling as though there is no hope, and I will never recover. I desperately want my muscle tone back.
I want to take a cycle in the hopes that I can somehow reclaim my dignity and my youth, and have the confidence to live in my skin once more. It would be nice to think that one day I might be able to accept a date or advance from the men chasing me - that I ignore or hide from until they lose interest because I am terrified of being intimate with a man and having him react in disgust seeing what lies beneath the shroud of my clothing.
I believe that a responsible, low dose of a steroid will allow me to see results and also motivate me to push myself as hard as I once did to be rid of this ugly, horrible affliction forever. And honestly - the accumulation of fat in my inner thighs being my only other body issue (no doubt due to the stress from so much trauma) - I'd like to see that gone too.
I apologize for being verbose but hope that in explaining myself you will see what changing my body means to me, as well as understand that I am not seeking massive gains or to have a body-builder's figure but to regain the muscle tone and strength I had before my tragedies. I want my body back..... but I am terrified of ending up far worse.
I have extremely high estrogen levels, so I suspect with extreme caution I may finish a cycle unscathed by virilism, though I know it is a risk no matter what.....
I also wonder what will happen to my breasts and my butt -- I have been blessed with a very feminine figure but I know, these features are made of FAT --- will I become a pancake or resemble a pre-pubescent boy, or might I retain my curves to some degree?
Given the information I have provided - what steroid and what dosage would be best for me? I realize you have all had different experiences and likewise have different opinions, but hope you will share whatever you can with me to help me. I appreciate your time and consideration and look forward to your responses.

 

[Tatyana]

Hello and Welcome,

WOW, you have really come through quite a bit, really inspiring.

First things first, fat is fixable.

I have been a chubbette, and completely transformed my body to the best condition I have ever been in with bodybuilding, without drugs.

There are also quite a few threads on this site that are related to some of the pros and cons of steroid use in women.

No matter what you take, there will be sides, as you are putting male hormones in your body.

Secondly, steroids are only part of the equation, about 5% of the equation according to a lot of people, it does come down to training (bodybuilding) and diet.

If those two are not sorted, then steroids may not make any difference, or a temporary one.

Would you be so kind as to give us some sort of idea of what a typical day's diet is like, and what your training consists of?

 

[Tatyana]

Here are a few threads you may want to read

http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/w...ng-training/anavar-best-choice-me-582218.html


http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/w...lding-training/10-pounds-ugly-fat-581895.html

http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/w...-training/help-sort-out-your-diet-582178.html

http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/w...ardio-queen-may-counterproductive-580116.html

 

[wlmcrae]

Ditto to Tatyana at this point. Need more info!

 

[SoVeryCherry]

Would you be so kind as to give us some sort of idea of what a typical day's diet is like, and what your training consists of?

Thank you for your interest in advising me, as well as for your kind words - I am most grateful.

My diet consists of whole grains, copious amounts of fresh fruits and vegetables, and my protein source is mainly fish and seafood, followed by dairy such as yogurt and cottage cheese, occasional chicken breasts,and very little red meat. I consume a lot of various beans and legumes for protein, and frequently eat nuts for protein and essential fats. I use only olive, flax and canola oils in my cooking. I do not eat fast food or any junk, and prepare all my meals, with the exception of sushi from time to time. I eat these foods 4 to 6 times a day in proper portions.
As you can see I maintain a diet of healthy, organic whole foods rich in vitamins and nutrients and the elements necessary for muscle development.

My fitness regimen:
One hour of cardio on either my treadmill or recumbent bike, followed by weight training. I will typically do my upper body and lower body on alternating days, and to allow each muscle group two days rest, in between I do an hour to 90 minutes of cardio with no weight training. This works the muscles twice a week and allows for the necessary recovery time.
I prefer higher weights and lower reps, but honestly even at higher weights I will leg press a total of twelve sets of 15 reps in one day. Because I hate the way I look. I give my legs time to stop feeling jello-y and weak and get back on the machine over and over again.(I'd say about an hour of rest between these three sets of 4/15) I do the same with straight leg deadlifts. I know it may be overkill - but I do this again, out of sheer frustration. Yet, I look no different, I feel no different. I see not even a HINT of muscle tone coming back. So it leads to skipping the workout and spending the day in bed weeping. It is hard to be consistent when it seems the efforts are in vain. I know that results are not immediate. I know it can take three months for me to truly see significant results. But I can't bear the thought, not when I see what I see, and feel the way I feel. I cannot be motivated to do it day after day - when it appears it is all for nothing - and I am stuck this way.
I have hired a trainer on several occasions to be sure my form is correct, collected a library of video workouts and both added and altered different exercises to my program. I know I am doing the exercises correctly. I have almost no muscle soreness. I don't FEEL it, - the soreness, the tearing..... and I don't SEE it either. I used to - before I was bedridden for that year I lost.
This is why I resort to this strong desire to try steroids. Knowing the dangers. Knowing the risks...... but hoping against all hope that it will be the stepping stone, and ONLY a stepping stone - to give me back some semblance of my old body - and from there maintain a diet and exercise WITHOUT any drugs or supplements as I did before all of this happened to me.
I always considered steroids to be cheating, and resented my friends that used them, even losing respect for them not gaining their muscle naturally... but under the circumstances my opinions have changed dramatically. I have become a hypocrite. Because I am going down that path, as I cannot live in this body anymore, and I cannot wait for nature...
I should be ashamed I know. I should be patient. I should be diligent.
No one knows what it has been like for me... and whomever shall judge me cannot fathom my desperation to be able to stand my reflection again.

 

[Gymgurl]

((((((HUGS))))))) welcome to elite!!

 

[needtogetaas]

welcome to elite.

Changing your looks is about changing your life stile. Not what drugs you take.

 

[wlmcrae]

Hoo boy. Tatyana will be able to be much more detailed, but I have a few more questions that will help. What are your stats - height, weight, bodyfat %? How many calories per day and what are your macro percents? Are you attempting to CUT or BULK? Are you on any drugs currently - birth control, thyroid, anti-depressants, etc?

Also, you didn't say how long you've been 'getting back on track'. Are we talking three days, two months, what?

Hugs to a gutsy lady BTW! I suspect though that since it 'took a year' to take you down, it will probably take a good solid year to get you back. If you have a life expectancy of 70 years (low!), this year to get your life back will cost 1.4% of your lifespan AND has no side effects that you'll have to live with for the remaining 100% of your lifespan (eg. steriods).

 

[Tatyana]

Thank you for your interest in advising me, as well as for your kind words - I am most grateful.

My diet consists of whole grains, copious amounts of fresh fruits and vegetables, and my protein source is mainly fish and seafood, followed by dairy such as yogurt and cottage cheese, occasional chicken breasts,and very little red meat. I consume a lot of various beans and legumes for protein, and frequently eat nuts for protein and essential fats. I use only olive, flax and canola oils in my cooking. I do not eat fast food or any junk, and prepare all my meals, with the exception of sushi from time to time. I eat these foods 4 to 6 times a day in proper portions.

As you can see I maintain a diet of healthy, organic whole foods rich in vitamins and nutrients and the elements necessary for muscle development.

Fantastic, that is more than half the battle already, eating whole natural foods. I am a HUGE fan of the natural organic thing.

Would you be able to lay it out like this, as the timing, combination and amounts of food can make a difference, small adjustments to diet can make a big difference

Breakfast (7 am) - 1/2 cup oatmeal or 40 g of oatmeal, 1/2 cup blueberries

Mid-morning (10 am) - Piece of fruit

Lunch - Red lentils, brown rice ............................ etc but what you are eating.

Please also put in where you are training, and if you are having pre and post workout meals. I would also like to know how many calories you are eating every day, and the breakdown of protein, carbs and fats. This is quite easy to do on-line on websites called fitday or calorie king, there are links to these websites in one of the threads I gave you to read, help to sort out your diet

My fitness regimen:

One hour of cardio on either my treadmill or recumbent bike, followed by weight training. I will typically do my upper body and lower body on alternating days, and to allow each muscle group two days rest, in between I do an hour to 90 minutes of cardio with no weight training. This works the muscles twice a week and allows for the necessary recovery time.

Ok, I am not entirely clear on this, does this mean you train 7 days a week?

Would you be able to split it up like this

Monday - 60 min cardio - upper body

Tuesday - etc..............

I prefer higher weights and lower reps, but honestly even at higher weights I will leg press a total of twelve sets of 15 reps in one day.

What do you mean by higher weights?

For me on leg press, I am doing 240 kg/528 lb on my heavy weeks and 160 kg/352 kg when I am doing high volume (this week, 10 sets of 10).

Are you doing this same high volume training every time you do legs, plus other exercises for legs?

Are you doing squats? Lunges?

Because I hate the way I look. I give my legs time to stop feeling jello-y and weak and get back on the machine over and over again.(I'd say about an hour of rest between these three sets of 4/15) I do the same with straight leg deadlifts. I know it may be overkill - but I do this again, out of sheer frustration. Yet, I look no different, I feel no different. I see not even a HINT of muscle tone coming back. So it leads to skipping the workout and spending the day in bed weeping. It is hard to be consistent when it seems the efforts are in vain. I know that results are not immediate. I know it can take three months for me to truly see significant results. But I can't bear the thought, not when I see what I see, and feel the way I feel. I cannot be motivated to do it day after day - when it appears it is all for nothing - and I am stuck this way.

I think you may be over-training, which would lead to central nervous system suppression, and surprise surprise, depression.

More is not always the best thing for building muscle to get that great toned look to your body, it fact, it can be counterproductive and eat away at your muscle if you have a lot of cortisol release.

I have hired a trainer on several occasions to be sure my form is correct, collected a library of video workouts and both added and altered different exercises to my program. I know I am doing the exercises correctly. I have almost no muscle soreness. I don't FEEL it, - the soreness, the tearing..... and I don't SEE it either. I used to - before I was bedridden for that year I lost.

Soreness is not the best indication of muscle growth. It can indicate too much muscle damage and lactic acid release.


This is why I resort to this strong desire to try steroids. Knowing the dangers. Knowing the risks...... but hoping against all hope that it will be the stepping stone, and ONLY a stepping stone - to give me back some semblance of my old body - and from there maintain a diet and exercise WITHOUT any drugs or supplements as I did before all of this happened to me.

If you did it before, you can do it again. It is all about training smart, mixing up your routines, alterations in diet, and training with the right intensity.

I always considered steroids to be cheating, and resented my friends that used them, even losing respect for them not gaining their muscle naturally... but under the circumstances my opinions have changed dramatically. I have become a hypocrite. Because I am going down that path, as I cannot live in this body anymore, and I cannot wait for nature...

Steroids are not cheating unless you represent yourself as a natural athlete or you are competing in events that state you are not to use performance enhancing drugs.

Steroids are not the 'magic' bullets that people often think that they are.

They are called performance ENHANCING drugs for a reason, they enhance, they do not make the physique.


I should be ashamed I know. I should be patient. I should be diligent.
No one knows what it has been like for me... and whomever shall judge me cannot fathom my desperation to be able to stand my reflection again.

There is nothing to be ashamed about, your honesty is really moving.

Being patient and diligent will make a difference though.

There are huge variations in people's genetics that allows for faster muscle growth and quicker fat burning, but there are limits to what the body can and can't do.

It really doesn't make any difference if you take steroids or not, it will still take time to build muscle and burn off the fat.

They are not miracle pills that all of a sudden transform a person to the body they want.

There are also homeostatic mechanisms in the body that do not allow for any rapid or drastic changes to be maintained, which is why women (and men) who go on 'crash' diets may lose weight in the short term but end up gaining all of the weight back, plus more, not long after they come off the diet.

I can relate to your frustration, I have been a complete chubbette, and when I finally realised what I had done to my body, I cried as well.

The difference is that I couldn't hide being fattie mcfat pants in clothing, I just LOOKED fat in EVERYTHING

Whether or not you choose to do steroids will be up to you, either way as long as you have all the information you need, and use them responsibly, you will get some results.

If you want to maximise your results, it is all about diet, training (and some genetics).

Anyone can completely transform their body within 6-9 months of consistent, smart training with a good diet that suits their metabolism.

 

[Tatyana]

One alteration that I would make is to stop doing cardio on leg days.

This combo is definately a way to set up catabolism of muscle.

As much as leg day makes me feel a bit ill, I love it as I don't have to do cardio.