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In my years of professional bodybuilding and casual dick sucking, I have come up with the perfect dietary and training regimen that will turn any 175 pound puss into a 495 pound bag of tan shit. Following this plan should pack on the pounds and cut the fat faster than any other plan out there. Even better than what Arnold Schwarzenegger did. I am the best! Fuck you.
Bob “Dick” Johnson’s “Nine by Nine” Guide to Bodybuilding Success
6:00 AM – Wake up; wipe the dried up cum off your face
6:05 – Eat a well-balanced breakfast:
1 Cup of oatmeal (Quaker Oats, but cheap ass store brand imitation oats are okay too, if you’re poor)
Raisins, bananas, pears, apples, orange slices, more bananas, pecans, walnuts, raisins, raisins, some more raisins, and lightly sprinkled Vitargo will add a nice flavor to your shitty bowl of oatmeal
1 Carb (store brand Carb is okay)
A full Thanksgiving dinner, with all the trimmings
1 Half glass of orange juice
5 Gallons of water
6:15 – Rest
6:17 – Meal #2:
8 Oz. Of Nitro-Tech protein mix
6 Leaves of lettuce
A Carb
6:21 – Rest
6:25 – Meal #3:
2 Bowls of oatmeal, topped with your favorite fruits and vegetables
6 Pizzas
1 8 Oz. Glass of water
2 Carbs
6:40 – Workout Routine – Strength-Building:
Focus on your lats, delts, quads, triceps, and pecs. Don’t worry about reps. Put on as much weight as is humanly possible and try to pull a muscle when you lift. The idea is to build mass here; we’re going for low reps and high intensity weight. Your workout should last no more than 22 seconds
6:41 – Puke your guts out, thus losing all of the food you just ate and making it go completely to waste. This tricks your muscles into thinking that you did something good for them, and thus speeds up the atrophying catabolic stage of bodybuilding. It is necessary to do this in order to fit in the other 6 meals that you need to eat before 9:00 AM
6:50 – Rest (long period)
7:30 – Meal #4:
1 Bowl of oatmeal, plain (flavor is for faggots and women)
3 bananas chopped into little cubes, which makes it easier to digest
12 Carbs (we-re re-building the muscles here, so you need to stock up on carbs now)
7:40 – Meal #5:
5 Stops at a Chinese buffet
15 Oz. Of pure, saturated grease (your local Burger King or McDonald’s should be able to provide you with this)
8 Oz. Of water
2 Oz. Of orange juice, with pulp
A carb
8:01 – Rest (preferably in a coffin; check your local funeral home for arrangements)
8:33 – Meal #6:
Steroids
8:35 – Meal #7:
Steroids
A carb
8:42 – Rest
8:43 – Meal #8:
4 Chicken breasts, unseasoned, undercooked
2 Heads of lettuce
8 Oz. Of Vitargo
14 Pounds of unsorted metals from local scrap yard (good for building lats)
3 Raw potatoes
1 Bowl of oatmeal, with raisins and more raisins
8:52 – Meal #9:
Steroids
More steroids
Some more steroids
35 chicken breasts, uncooked, preferably while the chicken is still alive
1 Full glass of 1% milk
A carb (cum counts)
And there you go! My official “Nine by Nine” workout for the ultimate bodybuilding experience. Follow this, and you are guaranteed results in as little as 2 hours.
Bob “Dick” Johnson’s “Nine by Nine” Guide to Bodybuilding Success
6:00 AM – Wake up; wipe the dried up cum off your face
6:05 – Eat a well-balanced breakfast:
1 Cup of oatmeal (Quaker Oats, but cheap ass store brand imitation oats are okay too, if you’re poor)
Raisins, bananas, pears, apples, orange slices, more bananas, pecans, walnuts, raisins, raisins, some more raisins, and lightly sprinkled Vitargo will add a nice flavor to your shitty bowl of oatmeal
1 Carb (store brand Carb is okay)
A full Thanksgiving dinner, with all the trimmings
1 Half glass of orange juice
5 Gallons of water
6:15 – Rest
6:17 – Meal #2:
8 Oz. Of Nitro-Tech protein mix
6 Leaves of lettuce
A Carb
6:21 – Rest
6:25 – Meal #3:
2 Bowls of oatmeal, topped with your favorite fruits and vegetables
6 Pizzas
1 8 Oz. Glass of water
2 Carbs
6:40 – Workout Routine – Strength-Building:
Focus on your lats, delts, quads, triceps, and pecs. Don’t worry about reps. Put on as much weight as is humanly possible and try to pull a muscle when you lift. The idea is to build mass here; we’re going for low reps and high intensity weight. Your workout should last no more than 22 seconds
6:41 – Puke your guts out, thus losing all of the food you just ate and making it go completely to waste. This tricks your muscles into thinking that you did something good for them, and thus speeds up the atrophying catabolic stage of bodybuilding. It is necessary to do this in order to fit in the other 6 meals that you need to eat before 9:00 AM
6:50 – Rest (long period)
7:30 – Meal #4:
1 Bowl of oatmeal, plain (flavor is for faggots and women)
3 bananas chopped into little cubes, which makes it easier to digest
12 Carbs (we-re re-building the muscles here, so you need to stock up on carbs now)
7:40 – Meal #5:
5 Stops at a Chinese buffet
15 Oz. Of pure, saturated grease (your local Burger King or McDonald’s should be able to provide you with this)
8 Oz. Of water
2 Oz. Of orange juice, with pulp
A carb
8:01 – Rest (preferably in a coffin; check your local funeral home for arrangements)
8:33 – Meal #6:
Steroids
8:35 – Meal #7:
Steroids
A carb
8:42 – Rest
8:43 – Meal #8:
4 Chicken breasts, unseasoned, undercooked
2 Heads of lettuce
8 Oz. Of Vitargo
14 Pounds of unsorted metals from local scrap yard (good for building lats)
3 Raw potatoes
1 Bowl of oatmeal, with raisins and more raisins
8:52 – Meal #9:
Steroids
More steroids
Some more steroids
35 chicken breasts, uncooked, preferably while the chicken is still alive
1 Full glass of 1% milk
A carb (cum counts)
And there you go! My official “Nine by Nine” workout for the ultimate bodybuilding experience. Follow this, and you are guaranteed results in as little as 2 hours.
