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I Can Resurrect The Dead!

A

addickt

New member
Ok fuckers--- For my next trick I will resurrect the dead....

Dont question me until you have done this cause I swear It works. ( I would swear to god if there were such an entity)

I passed my high school biology class on this trick on a bet with my teacher..

You will need:

1 regular house fly
A glass of water
Regular table salt..

First you catch a fly, careful not to kill it when catching it though..
(They are significantly slower in fall and spring so for all you stoned fuckers out there, you may have a better chance to catch them during these months.)

Hold it under water for 3 to 5 minutes, I dont know if it is clinically dead as I dont have a stethoscope small enough to detect its heart rate... ( If you can procur Captain Insanos microscope that he uses for masturbatory purposes you may be able to look at its chest for signs of respiration)

Assuming now that it is dead, you throw his dead ass on a table and pour enough salt to cover his body.. So you cant see it..

Then after about 3 minutes the salt will start to shake and move... At this point you may remove part of the salt and the fly will fly away....

I have tried this without the salt and it doesnt work.

THIS FUCKING WORKS AND I CHALLENGE YOU TO TOP MY RESURRECTION CAPABILITY..

Dont be getting all scientific on me and explain how the sodium draws the water out either, cause to be honest.... I DONT CARE.

I can resurrect flies.
 
As with any scientific experiment, you begin with animals before moving on to humans. So when do the human trials begin?

Are you looking for volunteers? I hear Cap'n is avail - he is distraught over loosing his microscope.
 
jordon said:
As with any scientific experiment, you begin with animals before moving on to humans. So when do the human trials begin?

Are you looking for volunteers? I hear Cap'n is avail - he is distraught over loosing his microscope.
Click to expand...

I would hypothesize that I would beat Captain into a bloody mess prior to the completion of said experiment.

Although the results may therefore be skewed, I would be more than happy to complete this experiment on him expeditiously.

(Providing that his mother will let him out of the house)

Also.... I think Jesus Christ himself just left unsigned negative karma for me...

God truly does work in mysterious ways... I
 
Addict,

This sounded really cool and fun. I didn't have a fly... so I used my neighbors kid. I held him underwater in his wading pool the full 5 minutes just like you said, but when I poured the salt on him nothing happened. I even tried pouring it in his nose and nudging him a little to make him move. It didn't help at all.

Now the police are going door to door in my neighborhood doing "voluntary" house inspections. All the other neighbors are letting the police look through their houses to make sure he isn't there (and a bunch of the little snitches keep pointing at my house and whispering.) What should I do? Will it help if I use more salt? Should I say I found him trying to sniff the sprinkler? Maybe I should just put him in the park and tell everybody he is taking a nap till some hobo notices he is blue?

If I tell the police you told me to do this... will things go lighter for me?

Thanks,

SG
 
SofeGeorge, I think what you did was not too bad....just a slight mishap. As someone who's spent a lot of time in a lab setting, I can say that little mishaps arne't too uncommon. Like one day I killed some rats to test for ACh levels in their brains....and had the spectrometer set wrong and they died in vain. :(

Shit happens. Move on. All seems reasonable to me.
 
Raina said:
SofeGeorge, I think what you did was not too bad....just a slight mishap. As someone who's spent a lot of time in a lab setting, I can say that little mishaps arne't too uncommon. Like one day I killed some rats to test for ACh levels in their brains....and had the spectrometer set wrong and they died in vain. :(

Shit happens. Move on. All seems reasonable to me.
Click to expand...

Thanks Raina! I put the kid back in the pool and piled a bunch of his inflatable toys on top of him. Then, when all the neighbors and police were coming around the side of the house I pointed at the pool and shouted, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" And started frantically throwing the toys off of him and trying to perform CPR. I kept it up for like 10 minutes... and all the cops and neighbors kept telling me to stop... to let him go... he was gone... but I kept saying, "No! I won't give up!" Finally I fell to the ground craddling him in a sobbing, quivering pile screaming, "Why, God? Why? He was so young!" Now all the neighbors are talking about what a hero I am... and the two little girls across the street even brought me a basket of cookies.

Speaking of that... both the little girls are the same size as the kid... if I try this with them is there anything I should do differently? Maybe I did it right and the kid just had a lousy constitution? Both the little girls look much healthier than he did. (Plus I've got a lot more salt now.)
 
it could be because the salt removes all the water that was absorbed by the fly.

As a science experiment, why not try another water eliminating substance other than salt and cover the fly with that ("driveway heat" which can be had at wal mart for example).
 
SofaGeorge said:
Addict,

This sounded really cool and fun. I didn't have a fly... so I used my neighbors kid. I held him underwater in his wading pool the full 5 minutes just like you said, but when I poured the salt on him nothing happened. I even tried pouring it in his nose and nudging him a little to make him move. It didn't help at all.

Now the police are going door to door in my neighborhood doing "voluntary" house inspections. All the other neighbors are letting the police look through their houses to make sure he isn't there (and a bunch of the little snitches keep pointing at my house and whispering.) What should I do? Will it help if I use more salt? Should I say I found him trying to sniff the sprinkler? Maybe I should just put him in the park and tell everybody he is taking a nap till some hobo notices he is blue?

If I tell the police you told me to do this... will things go lighter for me?

Thanks,

SG
Click to expand...

Take him to a frozen pond and throw him under the ice. Then call the paramedics and pretend he just fell through the ice. I've heard of cases where kids have been under for an hour and been revived. Maybe you'll get lucky.
 
It is amazing that you actually took the time to figure this out.
 
Steroid_Virgin said:
Look out, Ryan is probably going to call PETA on your ass....

;)
Click to expand...

Please refrain from using "my ass" and Ryan in any one given sentence.


Thanks in advance,
Addickt
 
Re: Re: I Can Resurrect The Dead!

dgreenhill said:
addickt said:
table salt..

( If you can procur Captain Insanos microscope that he uses for masturbatory purposes you may be able to look at its chest for signs of respiration)

Assuming you throw his dead ass on a table and pour enough salt to cover his body.. So you cant see it..

THIS FUCKING WORKS AND I CHALLENGE YOU TO TOP MY RESURRECTION CAPABILITY..


lol-well at least you still come on here to keep the shit going..and I really do appreciate that-it is quite entertaining.

Where is capt. at?
Click to expand...

Looking for more groupies as all of his current ones seem to have figured out he is a dickless troll.
Click to expand...
 
Wait a minute? How do we know Addict isn't using trained flies? From what I understand... flies are real smart. Maybe Addict explained the trick to a couple of 'em... gets 'em to hold their breath underwater... and then play dead. Then when he pours the salt on them the cough and sputter and pretend to come back to life.

I'll bet those flies Addict uses are stooges and they're in on the trick.

Just my 2cc.
 
SofaGeorge said:
Wait a minute? How do we know Addict isn't using trained flies? From what I understand... flies are real smart. Maybe Addict explained the trick to a couple of 'em... gets 'em to hold their breath underwater... and then play dead. Then when he pours the salt on them the cough and sputter and pretend to come back to life.

I'll bet those flies Addict uses are stooges and they're in on the trick.

Just my 2cc.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't worry about it. Addickt can barely resurrect a recent thought.
 
As Addickt is my dearest friend in the online world and face to face, I can testify that he is in fact capable of doing this. The flies are not trained. Most of them can't even read.

While he does train a variety of insects for an assortment of secret purposes (A- feel free to expand on this if you wish), his words are true. ;)
 
SofaGeorge said:
Wait a minute? How do we know Addict isn't using trained flies? From what I understand... flies are real smart. Maybe Addict explained the trick to a couple of 'em... gets 'em to hold their breath underwater... and then play dead. Then when he pours the salt on them the cough and sputter and pretend to come back to life.

I'll bet those flies Addict uses are stooges and they're in on the trick.

Just my 2cc.
Click to expand...

Ever so close......

Actually, I swing my shriveled nuts back and forth in front of their faces while reading old recipe books that my mom used to get at her "classes".. This hypnotizes them and their respiration slows to a standstill... Thus halting their need for oxygen long enough to endure the procedure..


LETTERMAN!
 
Re: Re: Re: I Can Resurrect The Dead!

addickt said:


Looking for more groupies as all of his current ones seem to have figured out he is a dickless troll.
Click to expand...


LOL! Thats not what your mothers says about me. cunt
 
Captain_insano said:


ROTF!
Click to expand...

I think you meant..

Rolling on the floor trying to dislodge the dingleberries from my ass cause my mom put twisty ties on my hands to keep me from sexually assulting the neighborhood boys..
 
addickt said:


Ever so close......

Actually, I swing my shriveled nuts back and forth in front of their faces while reading old recipe books that my mom used to get at her "classes".. This hypnotizes them and their respiration slows to a standstill... Thus halting their need for oxygen long enough to endure the procedure..


LETTERMAN!
Click to expand...

Shut up and get to the Gym Pencil Neck. and then :die:
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: I Can Resurrect The Dead!

Captain_insano said:



LOL! Thats not what your mothers says about me. cunt
Click to expand...

Mothers? I have multiple Mothers? No wonder I can resurrect flies..

In all seriousness..... That was about the weakest thing you have ever said..

At least you didnt bust out with " sticks and stones" or similar semantical genious.
 
dgreenhill said:
This thread is getting really kickass..but I got a quick question for addict..how do you catch the fly-I don't have any chop sticks../.?
Click to expand...

Grab one that is gathering around Insanos mom's crotch... They are plentiful, and the putrid smell seems to slow them down substantially.
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I Can Resurrect The Dead!

addickt said:


Mothers? I have multiple Mothers? No wonder I can resurrect flies..

In all seriousness..... That was about the weakest thing you have ever said..

At least you didnt bust out with " sticks and stones" or similar semantical genious.
Click to expand...

It's all good, I am bored by your nonsense. If you spent as much time in Rehab as you do on this board you'd might not be on the verge of extinction. Go piss some more blood and put clorox in your veins you fucking freak.

I am going to train now so you are dissmissed.

Peace
Insano
 
dgreenhill said:


lol-seriously though.. can you use one of those strips or wait till they get hung up in a window..I have to show my manager this.
Click to expand...

I wait until they land on a table or something and then give them the "swoop".

I have about a 95% success rate... It isnt as hard as one would think.. Especially when the temp gets down around 60 or so..

They dont stand a chance.

The most diffucult part is transferring them from the fist into your finger... for placement into the "holy" water...

I usually give them a quick shake first as it seems to stun them..

P.S. .......... that step is largely unneccessary if the fly is procured from Insanos Mothers nether region as they are " pre-stunned"
 
Raina said:
As Addickt is my dearest friend in the online world and face to face, I can testify that he is in fact capable of doing this. The flies are not trained. Most of them can't even read.

While he does train a variety of insects for an assortment of secret purposes (A- feel free to expand on this if you wish), his words are true. ;)
Click to expand...

Raina, after reading your post I decided, "Gosh darn it. Maybe this does work." So I went ahead and tried it again on those two little girls I told you about. It didn't work at all on the first one... even though I used a bunch of salt. Then, when I tried it on the second one I did get her to sputter and burp up water a little... but nothing more than that. She's still as purple as Barney the Dinosaur.

Even worse, when the police started looking for 'em... they came right to my house this time. I'd already put 'em both back in the wading pool and I had to make up this really dumb story for the cops about how maybe the neighborhood had this serial wading pool killer. The guy from the newspaper who came to interview me really liked the name and he wrote this big dumb article about the "Wading Pool Killer" and now it's going in a bunch of detective magazines. (The cool part though is I got to meet that guy John Walsh from AMERICA'S MOST WANTED when he and his crew came to film my back yard. They even gave me an AMW baseball cap I can wear.)

I got really lucky and it turned out the old guy who lived at the end of the block was one of those Megan's Law guys who is supposed to register with the police. (He was a school teacher and had to retire about 30 years ago when they caught him with kiddie porn in his garage.) Well, lucky for me he hadn't registered like he was supposed to and the cops zero'd right in on him. They dragged him out of the house in his underwear and he was all screaming and crying about how he was 86 years old and on supplemental oxygen and had been impotent for 20 something years. (The whiney pus!) Well, while the cops were giving him the rubber hose treatment and waiting to get a search warrant... I reached in the window of his house and dropped some of the girls' stuff... you know little overalls and hair bows and stuff... and that basket of cookies they brought me. The cops should the stuff to the girls' moms and they decided it had to be him... so I'm pretty much off the hook this time... but I'm a little worried that my luck is gonna run out if I keep trying this.

Are you really really sure it works? We've only got one little kid left in the neighborhood.
 
SofaGeorge said:


Raina, after reading your post I decided, "Gosh darn it. Maybe this does work." So I went ahead and tried it again on those two little girls I told you about. It didn't work at all on the first one... even though I used a bunch of salt. Then, when I tried it on the second one I did get her to sputter and burp up water a little... but nothing more than that. She's still as purple as Barney the Dinosaur.

Even worse, when the police started looking for 'em... they came right to my house this time. I'd already put 'em both back in the wading pool and I had to make up this really dumb story for the cops about how maybe the neighborhood had this serial wading pool killer. The guy from the newspaper who came to interview me really liked the name and he wrote this big dumb article about the "Wading Pool Killer" and now it's going in a bunch of detective magazines. (The cool part though is I got to meet that guy John Walsh from AMERICA'S MOST WANTED when he and his crew came to film my back yard. They even gave me an AMW baseball cap I can wear.)

I got really lucky and it turned out the old guy who lived at the end of the block was one of those Megan's Law guys who is supposed to register with the police. (He was a school teacher and had to retire about 30 years ago when they caught him with kiddie porn in his garage.) Well, lucky for me he hadn't registered like he was supposed to and the cops zero'd right in on him. They dragged him out of the house in his underwear and he was all screaming and crying about how he was 86 years old and on supplemental oxygen and had been impotent for 20 something years. (The whiney pus!) Well, while the cops were giving him the rubber hose treatment and waiting to get a search warrant... I reached in the window of his house and dropped some of the girls' stuff... you know little overalls and hair bows and stuff... and that basket of cookies they brought me. The cops should the stuff to the girls' moms and they decided it had to be him... so I'm pretty much off the hook this time... but I'm a little worried that my luck is gonna run out if I keep trying this.

Are you really really sure it works? We've only got one little kid left in the neighborhood.
Click to expand...

It works for flies...

It takes a while though, a few minutes.
 
Steroid_Virgin said:
I think the owner of this thread should have electrodes inserted into their nipples and then be hooked up to the alternator on my corvette.
Click to expand...

Hell....knowing him, he would probably like that!
 
Steroid_Virgin said:
I think the owner of this thread should have electrodes inserted into their nipples and then be hooked up to the alternator on my corvette.
Click to expand...

Mother fucker I can resurrect dead beings........

Just cause no one will try it and just wants to make fun of it doesnt change that fact..

Resurrecting the dead is a much greater feat than anyone else on here can claim..

My Nipples would explode with gyno tissue anyways.

(Unless, you count Insanos dick sucking prowess)
 
addickt said:


Mother fucker I can resurrect dead beings........

Just cause no one will try it and just wants to make fun of it doesnt change that fact..

Resurrecting the dead is a much greater feat than anyone else on here can claim..

My Nipples would explode with gyno tissue anyways.

(Unless, you count Insanos dick sucking prowess)
Click to expand...

Maybe so, I have seen you resurrect a stupid thread (ahem) that should have been dead long ago... why couldn't you raise a fly?
 
Steroid_Virgin said:


Maybe so, I have seen you resurrect a stupid thread (ahem) that should have been dead long ago... why couldn't you raise a fly?
Click to expand...

Stop responding to it then...

It is the fucking truth and at worst it is pretty damn funny to see..

It is better then reading dumb ass fucking religous threads that have been re-hashed 165,000 times on here..

I should at least get an "A" for curiousity and creativity...
 
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