boyfriend advice...

[CherryPie]

My bf has been dieting for a show in Dec. and this past month has been tough on our relationship. Some days he's positive some days he doesn't not. I have been pressuring him about us since his actions show me good and bad. At first he said it was the diet and after the show everything will be fine, now he doesn't know if that's why he's acting like this. The weekend was alright considering I moved out so we can get through this. Well last night we broke up and he finally fessed up and he told me he's been talking to someone else for the past week but it's not what I think. He says he loves me and he knows that I'm the one he wants to spend his life with but as of now he can't handle the pressure of our tough time. He still wants to talk and see me but I told him I can't when he is talking with someone else. I really don't know what to do or think about all this.

Can someone give me some insight!

 

[Phemomena]

my advice would be to just give it space and time until after the show... do whatever you can to keep yourself busy and out of his hair... if you pressure him right now he'll probably just shut himself off to you b/c he doesn't need the extra stress...

tell him that you want to work the relationship out or discuss it or whatever, but you want to do it after the show when he can give you the proper attention and you aren't adding stress to him...

if you are concerned about this "other person" ask him if he could not make any rushed decisions or pursue that until the two of you really get a chance to determine what's up btwn you...

....or you could just chop her up into lil itty bitty bits and feed her to small dogs...

hehe..

g/l

 

[Bikini Mod]

I will be the FIRST ONE to admit that I get crazy when dieting and training REAL HARD. It messes with your mind, you are cranky (to say the least tee-hee), and tired.

But ummmmmm, I don't buy the whole "I love you and want to be with you just let me talk to this OTHER girl" shit.

I have always been of the opinion, if it is a committed relationship - then IT IS JUST THAT!

You shouldn't be angry w/him though... AT LEAST HE HAD THE BALLS TO TELL YOU TO YOUR FACE!

Leave him alone, give him ALL THE SPACE HE NEEDS and GET A LIFE FOR YOURSELF!

If after all is over you decide you want him back, that is up to you. He was a man and was honest. However, you might decide that if and when HE comes around..... that YOU DON'T WANT HIM!

...just my .02

 

[wilson6]

"He says he loves me and he knows that I'm the one he wants to spend his life with but as of now he can't handle the pressure of our tough time."

Get real.

So everything will be fine until the next tough time, and the next and the next, etc? Sure, just "let me get through this and everything will be fine". NOT

Cut him loose and let the other person he's talking to take care of his rough times. See how long that lasts.

It's always great when the person having the rough time has someone else to take care of them and a home to go back to, but their significant other is left hanging to wait for their personal crisis to pass with no one to support them.

F**k that.

W6

 

[CherryPie]

I know. I asked him last night too see where I kind of stand and asked him he he were too chose right now to consider us or talk to his new friend he said he'd choose us, than he ended up getting frustrated and didn't want to talk. I know I shouldn't of asked that but it just came out.

He wants to meet on Wednesday, that's why he called me last night, but should I?

Before all this when things were getting bad about 3 weeks ago we agreed to give each other space and he didn't want to break up but now he thinks it's the best, he says it's not because of the other girl but why would he even consider to take that issue any further?!!!

 

[Sassy69]

I guess pay attention to what our gurus are saying -- but sometimes people turn to "new" people to express themselves or ask questions. Sometimes they just need another outlet - maybe one that doesn't carry w/ it a history or any implied pressure or maybe just someone who doesn't know all the details. If its only been a week, the other person also has obviously not seen when being around a person in contest prep is like. I STILL can't mention diet around my mom without her getting upset and leaving the discussion. And its been a year and a half since my first show.

There are insane amounts of pressure and physical stress from contest prep. So I think its hard to judge someone while they are going thru this - even if they've done it a hundred times before. Just give them space and time and let them know that you are there for when they need someone who is familiar with the routine. I"m not saying tolerate any bullshit in your relationship, but give some space and don't add to the current pressure. And also make sure you don't put more pressure on yourself about the state of the relationship. If your relationship is strong, it will survive regardless of what he says. That alone should give you enough confidence to give the space and not aggravate the situation for you or him. If you are unsure, then decide how long YOU are willing to be tolerant before you decide it is truly time to cut the ties.

My opinion anyway. I lost a lot of friends and one growing relationship during my first competition - expectations and assumptions about who should "be there" to support you and put up with you are rampant during competition prep. That's just the way it is. SHouldn't be that way, but it just seems to be.

Also wanted to add that when you give people an "ultimatum" like "if you had to choose now...." they sometimes freak out and get defensive. Then the whole argument starts over. Its a frustrating question to not get a straight answer to, but its hard to provide a straight answer when you feel like like you are being given an ultimatum. Not saying its wrong, just saying its a time when the reaction shouldn't necessarily determine how you will respond to the whole situation (e.g. he doesn't sound convincing / I think he's lying, etc.)

 

[CherryPie]

thanks, but he already chose to cut the ties last night. especially after saturday when he said things will be fine and didn't want to break up. After the show he'll make it all up too me, but than he said he had given it some that and wants a normal relationship to where he doesn't have to discuss the relationship, but he doesn't want a girlfirend since his heads not straight.
I told him I understand that his show is priority but we too can be a priority, a partnership and he says we have a partnership. It's like he's two people and what hurts is thinking about him talking to this "girl" as the way he used to talk and act with me a few weeks ago. But he stresses this "girl" is not like that meaning he's not interested in that way. I thanked him for his honesty finally and if that's what he wants so be it. and yes I told him it's alot easier to have someone at these times. That's how we met when I was going thru my divorce. Go figure. He doesn't expect me wait around and I told him I wouldn't but I can't see him or talk too him when he has this so called "friendship".

Should I meet him Wednesday if he asks? I do but I don't considering, I know it's too hard for me.

 

[NubianBeauty]

I can definitely understand how you feel. My boyfriend was in a comp. over the Summer, and cranky is an understatement. He was a little depressed and worried about his appearance, always looking in the mirror. He was basically obsessed with his body for about 3 months. When you have someone that is really trying to focus and concentrate and cope the best thing for you to do is just be patient. If you really love him just be there for him and help him get through this. However, this person he is communicating with has to STOP!! NOW!! If he is having problems relating to you how can he possible be able to with someone that he isn't even close with. I know it will be hard because it was for me until I began to understand what he was going through. My bf lost 70lbs in 3 mos, he was dieting like crazy and lifting 5 days/week with little or no energy at all. Now can you even imagine going thru that. My advice would be if you truly love him, just be patient with him and be there for him....BUT he must STOP all further communication with this other woman, there is no need for him to have another woman whispering in his ear..I know you know how some women can be, they will befriend the man, belittle you and your relationship, and find fault in all that you do...that is IF he is confiding in her about your relationship. She will make herself out to be the better woman and so on. Well, did not mean to ramble, I just wanted to let you know that I have been there and sympathize with you. If you need to chat pm me and I will try to help.

 

[ann]

I'd say dump him. Sad to hear, but personally, I wouldnt take that crap.

W6 stated it perfectly in his post. He cant handle this tough time, whats he gonna do the next time?

Life is too short for you to have to wait to see when the time is right for him. Think of yourself.....

Lots and lots of fishies in the sea.....keep swimming

 

[Sassy69]

I would agree w/ NubianBeauty -- let him know that if he wants to keep the relationship, he needs to respect your place as his "confidant" just as you are respecting his space & pressure to meet his competition needs. That's only fair.

I guess its not my nature to toss a good thing that has some problems immediately - esp in the "heat of the moment". Its so damn hard to find quality people. But also never compromise yourself beyond what you are willing to give without any more expectation than just feeling good about it yourself. That's how you get "taken for granted" - anyone who can come on in a comp as strong as you did - RED SUIT G/F! is not a push-over.