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boyfriend advice...
- Thread starter CherryPie
- Start date
Good Stuff Here!
I don't know that my $0.02 will add anything to the perspectives already expressed, but here goes a typical BE essay post....sorry.
I have been with the same lady for 22 years now, and am definantly out of the dating scene. However, if we decided to 'shop around' every time we got stressed or 'Lost That Lovin' Feeling,' I'm sure we would not have made it past the first three years. After awhile, the initial 'FEELING' of love wore off, but there was something deeper to replace it. Thank God, because otherwise our relationship would have become a prison of dread instead of something to enjoy. This seems to be fairly common among long-time relationships. Just ask your friends that have been married for awhile if their love has not changed and deepened. For us, that initial 'feeling' of being 'in-love' has faded into more of a background 'glow.' That's not bad, it's just different.
Question: Are you in love with the feeling of 'Being In Love' and 'Belonging?' Or are you really in-love with HIM? (I remember well the 'In-Love' emotion, and not wanting to part with it. I was really scared when it started to change and was confused as to whether I was falling OUT of love!)
Why would a lady like you settle with being the second-string fallback to this 'other' girl. After all, you are obviously an intelligent and goal oriented person working to improve, otherwise you wouln't be here. Is it your goal to become SECOND?
Are you satisfied with the fallback position with a guy that seems to be having trouble deciding what his goal in live is?
Are you okay being in the position of knowing that he might change his mind again about with whom he wishes to partner with for the rest of his life?
His action make me wonder just how committed he is to you?
I don't know that my $0.02 will add anything to the perspectives already expressed, but here goes a typical BE essay post....sorry.
I have been with the same lady for 22 years now, and am definantly out of the dating scene. However, if we decided to 'shop around' every time we got stressed or 'Lost That Lovin' Feeling,' I'm sure we would not have made it past the first three years. After awhile, the initial 'FEELING' of love wore off, but there was something deeper to replace it. Thank God, because otherwise our relationship would have become a prison of dread instead of something to enjoy. This seems to be fairly common among long-time relationships. Just ask your friends that have been married for awhile if their love has not changed and deepened. For us, that initial 'feeling' of being 'in-love' has faded into more of a background 'glow.' That's not bad, it's just different.
Question: Are you in love with the feeling of 'Being In Love' and 'Belonging?' Or are you really in-love with HIM? (I remember well the 'In-Love' emotion, and not wanting to part with it. I was really scared when it started to change and was confused as to whether I was falling OUT of love!)
Why would a lady like you settle with being the second-string fallback to this 'other' girl. After all, you are obviously an intelligent and goal oriented person working to improve, otherwise you wouln't be here. Is it your goal to become SECOND?
Are you satisfied with the fallback position with a guy that seems to be having trouble deciding what his goal in live is?
Are you okay being in the position of knowing that he might change his mind again about with whom he wishes to partner with for the rest of his life?
His action make me wonder just how committed he is to you?
so i feel kind of funny posting here, but hope that maybe i can help. as a guy, that is.
i don't buy the whole thing about you waiting to see what goes down after the show. if the other girl is "nothing" or "not what you think" then why did he bring it up in the first place.
"no, see it's just the show, honey. oh, by the way, i'm talking to someone else but that has nothing to do with anything. i just thought i'd bring it up. i don't know about being with you long term, but i'll figure it out. meanwhile, i'll just be talking to (insert other girl here) until i do."
cherry pie, how old are you? not an insulting question. just a straight forward one. i don't mean anything by it. it's just that, typically (it seems) that younger women will have a higher tolerance for crap like that than others who have been through the crap before and recognize the possible sign to take the initiative and leave him wondering if HE'S screwing up by pulling this shit.
i love women, and love to treat them right. am i saint? (i say this in general terms) no. i'm presently married, and have been for 3 years this week to a remarkable women. she has issues, but i think it's her "female-ness". and before her there were others, with varying dgrees of relationships, or even just "friends with benefits". either way, one thing i've always done was be straight with them. it's just something that y'all deserve. even if one of my friends is fucking with a girl, i'll give him my 2 cents, whether he wants it or not. unless she's one of the infrequent examples of girls who just aren't worth the treatment. (yes, those do come along).
i mean, boy, do y'all drive us nuts, but we take it because we love y'all. or, at least, i do.
sorry about the drifting, there.
if you really think that you can talk through this, try to do just that. pick a time when you think you can maintain your emotions, but at the same time, make sure he can control his. after all, you're going to address something that he is obviously the cause of. see if you can bring to light what the other girl has to do with all this. tell him that, regardless of what you hear, this is only to bring out the whole truth, and figure out what needs to happen from there. for pete's sake, dont lose your cool. when something like this is going on, trust me, he knows it's his doing, and could be majorly on the defensive about it. so tread lightly. if only to get the info you need. then maybe you can make a decision on your own.
although i advocate being straight forward, there are often times where you need to "carefully" approach a delicate situation.
if that's not you're forte', then just straight up tell him to quit the shit and figure out what the hell he's doing. you know, put up or shut up. i mean, what, is he gonna run to talk to someone else every time a show gives him a hard time? whatever.
however, you don't come across as that type of girl. if you were, you probably wouldn't be asking for help from others. you sound like you really would like this to work. so i hope it does. just please string yourself along too badly.
wow, that was a long rant. sorry.
i don't buy the whole thing about you waiting to see what goes down after the show. if the other girl is "nothing" or "not what you think" then why did he bring it up in the first place.
"no, see it's just the show, honey. oh, by the way, i'm talking to someone else but that has nothing to do with anything. i just thought i'd bring it up. i don't know about being with you long term, but i'll figure it out. meanwhile, i'll just be talking to (insert other girl here) until i do."
cherry pie, how old are you? not an insulting question. just a straight forward one. i don't mean anything by it. it's just that, typically (it seems) that younger women will have a higher tolerance for crap like that than others who have been through the crap before and recognize the possible sign to take the initiative and leave him wondering if HE'S screwing up by pulling this shit.
i love women, and love to treat them right. am i saint? (i say this in general terms) no. i'm presently married, and have been for 3 years this week to a remarkable women. she has issues, but i think it's her "female-ness".
and before her there were others, with varying dgrees of relationships, or even just "friends with benefits". either way, one thing i've always done was be straight with them. it's just something that y'all deserve. even if one of my friends is fucking with a girl, i'll give him my 2 cents, whether he wants it or not. unless she's one of the infrequent examples of girls who just aren't worth the treatment. (yes, those do come along). i mean, boy, do y'all drive us nuts, but we take it because we love y'all. or, at least, i do.
sorry about the drifting, there.
if you really think that you can talk through this, try to do just that. pick a time when you think you can maintain your emotions, but at the same time, make sure he can control his. after all, you're going to address something that he is obviously the cause of. see if you can bring to light what the other girl has to do with all this. tell him that, regardless of what you hear, this is only to bring out the whole truth, and figure out what needs to happen from there. for pete's sake, dont lose your cool. when something like this is going on, trust me, he knows it's his doing, and could be majorly on the defensive about it. so tread lightly. if only to get the info you need. then maybe you can make a decision on your own.
although i advocate being straight forward, there are often times where you need to "carefully" approach a delicate situation.
if that's not you're forte', then just straight up tell him to quit the shit and figure out what the hell he's doing. you know, put up or shut up. i mean, what, is he gonna run to talk to someone else every time a show gives him a hard time? whatever.
however, you don't come across as that type of girl. if you were, you probably wouldn't be asking for help from others. you sound like you really would like this to work. so i hope it does. just please string yourself along too badly.
wow, that was a long rant. sorry.
Ok thank you everyone on helping me through this. Let me answer some of your questions.
I have caught him a few lies. Pretty much caught him with the girl driving up to his apartment. He was driving her car. Met her at the gym, she knows us. When I moved out I asked him if he wanted to leave our options open and he does. We've discussed us numerous times. At the time he didn't want to beak up but their would be days we'd be great and the next we'd argue, he can't handle that nor can I. I tried to stick by him amd told him what I wanted but I cannot force someone to be with me. I have ?'d him on ending ours and going into another and he says it's nothing, but it may or may not evolve. Which would happen with both of us eventually. He aked me if down the line our paths crossed and we weren't with anyone, he's knows he'll call me in the future, would I give him a second chance? I told him I cannpt answer that at the moment. I've known people who have been together, break up to date other people and end up together in the future and maybe that will happen and maybe it won't. No one can tell but at this time He has to do what he has to with whomever and I need to perk up and in time I'll find someone.
I'm 30 and the girl he met is 30 and he is 25. But I've met a lot of mature 25yr olds so don't go bash him about that.
All in all, I thank you all for your support and I will keep everyone posted!!!
I have caught him a few lies. Pretty much caught him with the girl driving up to his apartment. He was driving her car. Met her at the gym, she knows us. When I moved out I asked him if he wanted to leave our options open and he does. We've discussed us numerous times. At the time he didn't want to beak up but their would be days we'd be great and the next we'd argue, he can't handle that nor can I. I tried to stick by him amd told him what I wanted but I cannot force someone to be with me. I have ?'d him on ending ours and going into another and he says it's nothing, but it may or may not evolve. Which would happen with both of us eventually. He aked me if down the line our paths crossed and we weren't with anyone, he's knows he'll call me in the future, would I give him a second chance? I told him I cannpt answer that at the moment. I've known people who have been together, break up to date other people and end up together in the future and maybe that will happen and maybe it won't. No one can tell but at this time He has to do what he has to with whomever and I need to perk up and in time I'll find someone.
I'm 30 and the girl he met is 30 and he is 25. But I've met a lot of mature 25yr olds so don't go bash him about that.
All in all, I thank you all for your support and I will keep everyone posted!!!
nautica
New member
Okay, forget every thing I said.
Dude is just trying to get laid and keep you on the line. It is time to dump him and move on.
Sorry, but I don't think you need to waste you time with him. I know the numbers are against you, since there are 2 girls to every 1 guy, but you will find someone when you least expect it.
To bad I am taken, because I love Chery pie.
Good luck.
Dude is just trying to get laid and keep you on the line. It is time to dump him and move on.
Sorry, but I don't think you need to waste you time with him. I know the numbers are against you, since there are 2 girls to every 1 guy, but you will find someone when you least expect it.
To bad I am taken, because I love Chery pie.
Good luck.
Cherry....I can understand how hard and difficult things are for you right now. I feel that you need to try to not blind yourself as to what's going on...........at first you "thought" that he was being a man about things and appreciated that he came forth to tell you about the so called other girl that "supposedly" nothing was going on with. I hope this blind fold no longer exists now that you saw for your own eyes him driving the other girls car up to his appt.....................and of course his asking you if later down the road you'll be willing to take him back....... for more practical reasons a lot of guys never want to have an "official" good-bye, it allows him to change his mind.....or worse, WEASEL his way back into your life when he get's lonely or things don't work out with the so called "other"....I think most guys know that as long as they don't let to much time pass, all the have to do (for most) is to apoligize and state the made a terrible mistake and swear it will never happen again(yeah right).......it may be very difficult I'm sure and heart wrenching but I would take the hint, and spare my DIGNITY....Let him go!
let us know how things develope, and be strong were all here for you
let us know how things develope, and be strong were all here for you
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