It seems that every damn story I read in the paper these days is about some poor librarian somewhere getting in trouble because some kid downloaded nudie pictures from the Internet. People are getting fired, companies that make so-called "filterware" are getting rich, communities are up in arms, and heads are rolling. Congress is getting ready to try to pass a version of the CDA that doesn't piss all over the Constitution. People are getting arrested, jailed, and fined.
And hard working, taxpaying Americans are being denied their
GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to watch fake-breasted lesbians
finger-bang each other.
And why? Because we live in such a hypocritical, Puritanical society, that no one wants to cop to the truth, stand up and proudly proclaim,
"I LOVE PORNOGRAPHY!"
Well, I'll tell you what, my friends...I fucking ADORE pornography. I read it, I watch it, I download it, and I masturbate to it. And I do it with a smile on my face, a song in my heart, and a towel on my stomach. And the whole time I do, there's a little part of my brain that's going,
"Goddamn, it's great to be an American! I oughta jerk off to the Bill of Rights sometime! This is me, enjoying my constitutional right to porn.
THE FIRST AMENDMENT MAKES ME COME!"
Unfortunately, I know that not everyone shares my happy, healthy attitude towards such things. Right-wing repressed hypocrites decry porn as sinful and unhealthy and then go home and toss one off to hardcore Japanese bondage flicks. Left-wing hypersensitive PC types bemoan the exploitation of women and then sneak off to the XXX arcade and squeak one out to all-girl dildo-fests. The problem is not that people use porn, the problem is that people LIE about using porn. Everyone likes it (and if you don't, then you just haven't gotten good stuff. EMail me for recommendations), but no one will say so.
May I suggest that FUCKING is natural and LYING is a sin?
So tell the truth. When someone at work asks what you did last night, TELL THEM. Don't make up some dumb story about going to bed early. Proudly say, "Well, I rented an all-anal porno and gave myself a few teeth-rattling orgasms. Then I made a sandwich and went to bed."
MYTH NUMBER ONE:
"We can't let children see pornography on the Internet."
Why the hell not? Porn is pictures of sex, which is natural, healthy, and good. It's something we ALL do. I think porn ought to be REQUIRED for American school children. Age 13, sit 'em down, and go, "okay, look. Here's a picture of breasts, here's a picture of a penis, here's a picture of fucking. You're all going to want to start doing this really, really soon. And when you do, for God's sake, let's not end up with another pregnant 14 year old. No. Download some pornography and MASTURBATE like a RESPONSIBLE ADULT."
MYTH NUMBER TWO:
"But, Tim, it's BAD porn on the Internet. It's pictures of bestiality! We can't let children see pictures of bestiality."
Of course we can. If you show a ten year old a picture of a woman and a donkey, he's going to go, "oh, cool, a donkey...I've never seen a donkey." Then he'll go play Nintendo. It's not like we're going to have roving packs of young boys roaming our neighborhoods looking for strays...going, "Hey, Miz Johnson, you need a dogwalker? I'm a REAL good dogwalker Miz Johnson..."
MYTH NUMBER THREE:
"Pornography causes rape."
No it doesn't. If you get good porn and use it properly, you're too tired to turn off the VCR, let alone chase someone, get out the duct tape...
MYTH NUMBER FOUR:
"Pornography is just the systematized exploitation of women."
A lot less so than using womens' sexuality to sell beer. A lot less so than the corporate glass cieling. A lot less so than right-wing fantasies of Beaver Cleaver nuclear families.
Anybody who thinks this should go fuck themselves...and videotape it for me to watch. As far as I'm concerned, it celebrates women. Sure, it's about womens' sexuality...but that's what it's for. It's okay for me to look at women sexually...I'm a heterosexual guy. I like sexual women. And I respect them on other levels a whole shitload more than the Promisekeepers. I think women are sexual human beings, not baby factories, and porno accentuates that.
MYTH NUMBER SIX:
"Pornography ruins relationships."
Sometimes. But that's because of this whole hypocritical stigma. Porn can enhance a relationship...watch it with your lover and go, "Hey! Let's try THAT!" Trust me...oh, dear god, trust me on this one. Porn should be like SCHOOL for you.
THE POINT IS THIS.
Everybody loves pornography. Let's admit it, move on, and get down to solving real problems, like kids killing each other and Jimmy Walker still having a career. It is your First Amendment right to use porn. And we all know from high school government class that if you don't use a right, it will get taken away. So it is your DUTY as an American to download and masturbate to as much pornography as you possibly can. Please, get out of here, go get some porn, and toss one off for UNCLE SAM!
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