Go to a psychiatrist to assess for clinical depression, talk to a cognitive psychologist about your feelings and work with the psychologist to develop a plan of action to change the path that you are on, they address all issues that you are going through better than what a forum like this can offer, they help you come up with solutions to things that are negatively affecting your life. Life's too short to feel the way you do and wallowing it without action wont solve anything. Make a decision to change your life right now and make an action. That means seeking professional help, dont be concerned about the stigma, at worst you'll be talking to someone that has helped people through much more difficult circumstances, its only talking to someone, not like youre getting married to the psychologist. You just have to do something in real life to work out what you are ruminating on.