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Relationship advice please

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RADAR

RADAR

Well-known member
The fact that she lied is enough to turn away ,even more so if its someone you hate!
 
I normally would not air any problems from my personal life on our forum. However, I have gained a lot of respect for some of you guys and this problem really has me fucked.
Ok here it is.....I started dating this beautiful woman about three months ago. At the start of the relationship I only asked two things of her. The first was to let me know if she had slept with anyone that I have to work with or any friend or colleage. I told her that it was just too weird for me to deal with that. The second thing I ask is not really important here.
So she said she had not slept with any of the doctors on staff and I believed her. Now after being in the relationship for 3 months and truly loving this person I caught her in the lie. Not only did she sleep with someone it was the one person I hate the most. She is devastated that she has caused all this pain.
I dont know how to get past this and move on. I truly love this woman but this whole thing is too weird for me. Please any advice would be helpful...thank you.
 
EVERYBODY screws up sometime and at least once in a relationship. If you can find it in yourself to let it go and since you already know for dam sure that you really love her, then give her a second chance. But if you know that you cant let it go then cut your loss and move on.
Best to you whichever way you go.
 
zedhed said:
EVERYBODY screws up sometime and at least once in a relationship. If you can find it in yourself to let it go and since you already know for dam sure that you really love her, then give her a second chance. But if you know that you cant let it go then cut your loss and move on.
Best to you whichever way you go.
Click to expand...


This is why I have learned to respect you guys...always straight up with each other
 
RADAR said:
The fact that she lied is enough to turn away ,even more so if its someone you hate!
Click to expand...

Relationship problems can be so stressful. Something I personally try to avoid
as much as possible. I tolerate very little and have strong morals.
 
She's not even in the wrong she lied to you to protect your relationship she didn't cheat on you bro this happened in the past that's like her getting mad that you slept with some girl she hated in highschool...
 
Last edited:
C.K. said:
She's not even in the wrong she lied to you to protect your relationship she didn't cheat on you bro this happened in the past that's like her getting mad that you slept with some girl she hated in highschool...
Click to expand...

point well taken thanks
 
The fact is she lied.... You asked her a straight up question, and she lied! W/ out trust, there is nothing. Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me.

However, that being said; if you think she is "introduce to your parents" material, then you might try to look at in the way C.K. suggested.

Prolly not much help.

Blessings,
 
So if she didn't lie, it'd be better?

She didn;t lie to hurt you, she lied to spare you. Learn the difference.
 
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. Holding a grudge doesnt hurt anyone but you.

Having said that however you dont want to be a doormat. Let her know there can be no more lies and give her another chance.
 
footdoc said:
I normally would not air any problems from my personal life on our forum. However, I have gained a lot of respect for some of you guys and this problem really has me fucked.
Ok here it is.....I started dating this beautiful woman about three months ago. At the start of the relationship I only asked two things of her. The first was to let me know if she had slept with anyone that I have to work with or any friend or colleage. I told her that it was just too weird for me to deal with that. The second thing I ask is not really important here.
So she said she had not slept with any of the doctors on staff and I believed her. Now after being in the relationship for 3 months and truly loving this person I caught her in the lie. Not only did she sleep with someone it was the one person I hate the most. She is devastated that she has caused all this pain.
I dont know how to get past this and move on. I truly love this woman but this whole thing is too weird for me. Please any advice would be helpful...thank you.
Click to expand...

i wouldnt trust her and i would end it right away, but thats not really important. you have to decide if you can really forgive and move on with the relationship without resent, or you have to tell her its over.

continuing a relationship with no trust sucks. i did it for 2 years with my ex wife. i was beating a dead horse trying to save a relationship that i valued far more than she did. all it did for me was get me shit on and a lot more heart ache.

good luck.
 
I would buy a new set of shoes and get a hair cut and move on , i have not respect for people i can't trust so i would end it now.

Good luck mate it carn't be easy for you.


Brad.
 
The simplest answer to this is. It's really none of your business who she slept with in the past that's the past.
If you love her and can get past it then you have your answer. If you don't feel you can't then you have your answer.
That's it.
 
captainahole said:
The simplest answer to this is. It's really none of your business who she slept with in the past that's the past.
If you love her and can get past it then you have your answer. If you don't feel you can't then you have your answer.
That's it.
Click to expand...

I dont think its the past, its the lie about the past.
 
Zyglamail said:
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. Holding a grudge doesnt hurt anyone but you.

Having said that however you dont want to be a doormat. Let her know there can be no more lies and give her another chance.
Click to expand...

Guess that's why your a moderator here. Thanks man
 
captainahole said:
You tell me there not shit about your past that you would not protect your girlfriend/wife from?
Click to expand...

Witholding something that was asked of you and claiming your "protecting" them sends the message you think they are weak or perhaps need you to protect them. If they ask they want the truth. If you arent willing to tell them then perhaps they arent the right one for you.
 
captainahole said:
The simplest answer to this is. It's really none of your business who she slept with in the past that's the past.
If you love her and can get past it then you have your answer. If you don't feel you can't then you have your answer.
That's it.
Click to expand...

what??? how is it none of his business? hes not her new co-worker, or "friend" of course it is his business. he obviously wants to be in a serious relationship with her, and in a serious relationship, lies like that cause alot of problems.

is she really devastated as you said?? you have to know that she knows she fucked up. without you looking like a pussy about it. alot of ppl hook up and it has to be a secret. maybe his girl was her friend?? idk the story but it doesnt sound that bad. dont be a doormat but if shes really that upset about it i think its definitly worth it to take her back
 
yeah i can be pretty jealous/insecure partner as well to my mrs. She was sleeping with a few pro football players before me and denied how many she was with until one of her friends told me. Anyway for some reason i blew it all out of proportion and started accusing her of lying etc - quite a similiar situation to this, but ultimately it was just my insecurities - these days i just manage my emotions better. But yeah i agree with most people on the board I dont think she acted maliciously and if you love her I think your just going to have to move past it
 
So she fucked your arch enemy... got it, it will ultimately eat you from the inside out, the whole "Lumberg fucked her" scenario. Cut it off its only at three months, imagine how clouded your vision will be in a year. She's already established a pattern of deviant behavior, you've got a lot to offer a woman for her to be dishonest this early. Women are some of the most accomplished liars in the world, simply because they believe there own lies.

In the end its your life, your decision.
 
you are a doctor and probably have women all over you. and i dont get how you can be in love with anyone after 3 months.. you fell too fast for her.

1. you can either sportfuck woman

2. or you can take the gamble to love a woman and possibly get your heart broken.

i would pick one of those scenario's and stick to it win or lose.
 
I'm not sure if you're looking only for advice from the guys? I also think she didn't do it to hurt you or be vindictive, more avoidance of confrontation.

Did you say how you actually found out about it? How long ago was it when it happened? Has she provided you any other reasons to questions trust between the two of you? You said she's truly upset, what was her explanation? What was her approach to rectify it and move to the future?

I think if you love her, and the two of you can have a true understanding about expectations for moving forward in a trustful and respectful relationship, then you should give it another try. Sometimes we go soooo long in life without finding somebody that we love, you don't want to give that up right away?
 
If you found this out after three months, what will you have found out after three years?

People lie for 2 reasons.
#1 They have something to gain
#2 They have something to lose

In her case, only you can determine what her motives were/are.

A true EFer would make her get your name shaved into her bacon strip and pics taken. Pics circulated so that your arch-enemy would see that you can hit so well it remembers your name.
 
Okay, One more thought.

What will irk you is the thought of her fucking the slimeball you hate. People will say "IF YOU LOVER HER.. BLAH,BLAH,BLAH..." Well, let me tell you, loving her will only make it bother you more. If you're not the type to be okay with this, you will NEVER be okay with it. Cut your loses and move on.

But DO NOT blame her for lying. That's wrong. Being truthful isn't always best. Sometimes it's the cruelest thing you could do.
 
A true EFer would make her get your name shaved into her bacon strip and pics taken. Pics circulated so that your arch-enemy would see that you can hit so well it remembers your name.[/quote]


damn!!!
 
Well I certainly appreciate all the advice. I have been taken advantage of in many ways by women. Some wanted money, some wanted some bullshit status that supposedly comes with being a doctor. I have met very few women who just wanted to get to know me as a person since my wife died 7 years ago. My current girlfriend made a huge error by lying to a direct question. Surgeons are like pitt bulls when they are together and its never good to be dating someone who has been with one of the docs on staff. However, all that being said she is extremely remorseful about deceiving me. I am crazy about her and my children are crazy about her. I know she was trying to protect me in some way. So, we have had numerous discussions this week and it is crystal clear that honesty and integrity has no gray zone with me. I truly believe it is in my best interest to move forward and put this behind me. "Real people" worthy of maintaining an honest relationship with a decent man are few and far between. I choose to take the chance on love instead of cutting my losses and getting out. Thanks for your help
 
stevesmi said:
interesting... what do you mean surgeons are pit bulls when they are together?
Click to expand...

Fuckers all think they are the king of the world with a foot long cock. Egos are out of control! Imagine two Rotweillers both male fighting for the same bitch in heat. Thats the best description of surgeons
 
I think that what she did was wrong, and it's definitely a strike against her.. but if you love her you need to work together to move past it.

My current relationship has had bumps, but neither of us didn't anything too severe- when we were open and really let each other know what we needed to do to move past it everything was okay. If we hadn't been that open it would have kept one of the two of us secretly pissed off and sabotaged our relationship later on.

Just be honest!
If you need two weeks away from her to get over it- tell her!
If you can't handle it and don't want to be with her any more- tell her that.
If you want her to take it ass to mouth and you'd be over it.. fucking tell her that.

-shrug-
 
This is really a question of your ability to purge. Don't lie to yourself and say it is ok if it is not. Here is why first major conflict this will come back and rear its ugly head. Just like women never forget men dont forget who slept with there girl especially if they hate em.

Can you wipe the hard drive? If yes giver if no cut bait.

Best of Luck
 
I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle being with a girl that fucked some guy I hate. My brain just wouldn't accept it.

The woman in question would most likely lose immediate cool points with me. Like I thought you were a cool chick, but jesus christ you're a fucking retard for fucking that asshole.

I love women, but alot of them are fucking retarded for the assholes they let stick their dick in them. I know there are alot of people out there that are completely casual about shit, but to me having sex with another person is not something you do just for shits and giggles.

I'd be an absolute man whore if I lived life like that. All the pussy I could have hit and quit, but I don't roll that way. Probably a good reason why I've never gotten an std too.
 
footdoc said:
Well I certainly appreciate all the advice. I have been taken advantage of in many ways by women. Some wanted money, some wanted some bullshit status that supposedly comes with being a doctor. I have met very few women who just wanted to get to know me as a person since my wife died 7 years ago. My current girlfriend made a huge error by lying to a direct question. Surgeons are like pitt bulls when they are together and its never good to be dating someone who has been with one of the docs on staff. However, all that being said she is extremely remorseful about deceiving me. I am crazy about her and my children are crazy about her. I know she was trying to protect me in some way. So, we have had numerous discussions this week and it is crystal clear that honesty and integrity has no gray zone with me. I truly believe it is in my best interest to move forward and put this behind me. "Real people" worthy of maintaining an honest relationship with a decent man are few and far between. I choose to take the chance on love instead of cutting my losses and getting out. Thanks for your help
Click to expand...

I was in the exact situation as you recently, and I thought I was the weird one with this kind of hang-up's. But I totally know how you feel and what you're going through. Like you, the girl was the special one for me, and like you, I took (am still taking) the chance on the relationship instead of coping out. I did it cos I thought it was worth it, it's still taking me some effort to get over the weirdness (to which in actuality I think is my ego that needs mending), but so far it has been worth it. I'm pretty sure it'll be worth it for you too.
 
joe13 said:
I was in the exact situation as you recently, and I thought I was the weird one with this kind of hang-up's. But I totally know how you feel and what you're going through. Like you, the girl was the special one for me, and like you, I took (am still taking) the chance on the relationship instead of coping out. I did it cos I thought it was worth it, it's still taking me some effort to get over the weirdness (to which in actuality I think is my ego that needs mending), but so far it has been worth it. I'm pretty sure it'll be worth it for you too.
Click to expand...

Thanks Joe that means a lot
 
one of my exes hooked up with a dude i hated. they didnt have sex but everythng but. never got over it just got outta there.
 
Nelson Montana said:
So if she didn't lie, it'd be better?

She didn;t lie to hurt you, she lied to spare you. Learn the difference.
Click to expand...


So here is my advice. If you cheat on some one, or if you have a bit of information you know will hurt them. If you have this info and you start to think that telling them the truth is the best idea? STOP NO AND DON'T!!! You are a fool if you think telling them the truth makes anything any better. NO IT DONT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The only real chance for happiness that person has is the chance that they don't find out. Thats it!!! If they find out from you then ya maybe they will be more forgiving to you and stay with you. THERE STILL NOT GOING TO FORGET IT AND ITS STILL GOING TO HURT FOR THE REST OF THERE LIFE!!! you just caused that person life long pain!!!

So the way I see it is this. You dont tell them.
1. they never find out and the both of you live happy ever after
2. they find out from some one else. The person leaves you and has a chance for complete happiness with some one else.
Ether way you did the person you love a favor and allowed them to be ether happy with you or happy with some one else.

SO JUST KEEP IT TO YOUR DAMN SELF!!!!!!!!!

In your case the girl slept with some one before she was with you. SO WHAT!!! At least she did not sleep with some one you hate well she was married to you. HOW THE FUCK YOU THINK THAT WOULD FEEL BRO???

as for the whole honesty thing. Fuck it, imo she did the smart thing.
 
footdoc said:
Well I certainly appreciate all the advice. I have been taken advantage of in many ways by women. Some wanted money, some wanted some bullshit status that supposedly comes with being a doctor. I have met very few women who just wanted to get to know me as a person since my wife died 7 years ago. My current girlfriend made a huge error by lying to a direct question. Surgeons are like pitt bulls when they are together and its never good to be dating someone who has been with one of the docs on staff. However, all that being said she is extremely remorseful about deceiving me. I am crazy about her and my children are crazy about her. I know she was trying to protect me in some way. So, we have had numerous discussions this week and it is crystal clear that honesty and integrity has no gray zone with me. I truly believe it is in my best interest to move forward and put this behind me. "Real people" worthy of maintaining an honest relationship with a decent man are few and far between. I choose to take the chance on love instead of cutting my losses and getting out. Thanks for your help
Click to expand...




If the Kids are crazy about her and you both have discussed this ,then give her another chance.
 
captainahole said:
You tell me there not shit about your past that you would not protect your girlfriend/wife from?
Click to expand...


Woman's perspective..
There is no such thing as "protecting someone with a lie"..if you can easily lie when someone asks you an honest question, what else are you lying about? How easily it was for her to hide that, well its crap in my opinion.

My ex and I dated for 3 months before he told me he was still legally married-divorce had not been finalized yet...I would not have cared if he would have been up front with me and said hey look im still technically married I hope that doesnt ruin my chances with you. But he blatently hid the truth which creates a whole slew of trust issues and problems because he was "protecting me" bullcrap. Thats a whole other issue too...not lying but not telling the whole truth..that is the SAME as lying in my eyes.

I would rather have someone mad at me that I told them the truth(and have a clear conscience) than someone be mad that I lied straight to their face and they found out days, months, or even years later.
 
I think at your age every woman comes with baggage. heck I am dating girls my age around 30 and they all have been engaged before and have broken hearts and emotional baggage.

so you gotta just deal with it. if she lies again i would definately dump her unless you just want to screw around with her
 
stevesmi said:
I think at your age every woman comes with baggage. heck I am dating girls my age around 30 and they all have been engaged before and have broken hearts and emotional baggage.

so you gotta just deal with it. if she lies again i would definately dump her unless you just want to screw around with her
Click to expand...


She's only thirty one Steve.
 
footdoc said:
She's only thirty one Steve.
Click to expand...

Well she is old enough to know what she wants and old enough to know better that a lie won't cut it, I married my 2nd wife because my first ran around and g0t pregnant by a 16 yr old kid she was 26.My 2nd I care more than anything i never questioned her past because i didn't care what happened before i came along, all i care about is the present and how she cares about me, if you two can meet those demands then forget what anyone says and go for it,and its a bonus if she loves the kids as much as they like her.


I think you have already made up your mind....Good Luck!



RADAR
 
guys, i think footdoc's made up his mind on this, and seeing how difficult this can be for him, I would think it's best we encourage on his chosen direction and wish him the best. as for me, im still not regretting my decision, and as each day passes, it does get easier and i am getting happier.

everybody deserves a second chance, more so the person you love. :)
 
hello everyone,

i dont know if any of you really want to hear my side of this or not or if this is going to upset footdoc that i am writing on here. I know that what i did to him was very very very wrong and i would give my life to fix it and stop all the pain i caused him, but i did it because i wanted him to get to know me for myself not for things that i had done in my past. I was going through a very hard time in my life my husband had just left me i had no way to take care of my children so i let them go with thier dad. i was completely alone and was at the bottom of the barrel. By no means is that an excuse to lie to him but he is such a wonderful person and his kids are angels. it was the first time in my entire life someone treated me like a princess. I knew what he expected but i knew he wouldnt be with me if he knew about the things i had done before him. I just wanted him to know me first not my mistakes. I have never in my life loved anyone like i love him. I hope that he can move past this with me and that we can be happy again. i appriciate all the advise you have all given him. I just felt like i needed to say something on my own behalf. he is lucky to have such good friends on here and he knows that i have read your posts he let me. thank you again
 
footdoc said:
hello everyone,

i dont know if any of you really want to hear my side of this or not or if this is going to upset footdoc that i am writing on here. I know that what i did to him was very very very wrong and i would give my life to fix it and stop all the pain i caused him, but i did it because i wanted him to get to know me for myself not for things that i had done in my past. I was going through a very hard time in my life my husband had just left me i had no way to take care of my children so i let them go with thier dad. i was completely alone and was at the bottom of the barrel. By no means is that an excuse to lie to him but he is such a wonderful person and his kids are angels. it was the first time in my entire life someone treated me like a princess. I knew what he expected but i knew he wouldnt be with me if he knew about the things i had done before him. I just wanted him to know me first not my mistakes. I have never in my life loved anyone like i love him. I hope that he can move past this with me and that we can be happy again. i appriciate all the advise you have all given him. I just felt like i needed to say something on my own behalf. he is lucky to have such good friends on here and he knows that i have read your posts he let me. thank you again
Click to expand...

men are mental. thats what women dont get.

if he is gonna make love to you and think about another guy inside you then it will be hard for him
 
My EF bros are the best. Thanks guys. I think one of the mods needs to shut this fucker down. I'm starting to feel like a woman talking about my feelings LOL
 
foxbody351w said:
Woman's perspective..
There is no such thing as "protecting someone with a lie"..if you can easily lie when someone asks you an honest question, what else are you lying about? How easily it was for her to hide that, well its crap in my opinion.

My ex and I dated for 3 months before he told me he was still legally married-divorce had not been finalized yet...I would not have cared if he would have been up front with me and said hey look im still technically married I hope that doesnt ruin my chances with you. But he blatently hid the truth which creates a whole slew of trust issues and problems because he was "protecting me" bullcrap. Thats a whole other issue too...not lying but not telling the whole truth..that is the SAME as lying in my eyes.

I would rather have someone mad at me that I told them the truth(and have a clear conscience) than someone be mad that I lied straight to their face and they found out days, months, or even years later.
Click to expand...

Did he ever get divorced??
 
footdoc said:
My EF bros are the best. Thanks guys. I think one of the mods needs to shut this fucker down. I'm starting to feel like a woman talking about my feelings LOL
Click to expand...




Consider it done my friend,you're both lucky to have each other,may god bless!



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