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Is everything forgivable?

blueta2

blueta2

New member
Yes, this is a big one for me. I've forgiven much, but not always easy.
This subject came up with me and one of my girls here on EF and it got me thinking.
Women hold on to emotional baggage and have a much harder time letting go of past pains.

Many years of Al Anon and I've forgiven so many people and myself and actually changed a lot as a person, but a few past pains still linger on the radar.

In the last 4 months, I've actually reconnected with 3 people from my past where things ended really badly, but today, we talked it out and all is forgiven.

Is everything forgivable?
 
blueta2 said:
Yes, this is a big one for me. I've forgiven much, but not always easy.
This subject came up with me and one of my girls here on EF and it got me thinking.
Women hold on to emotional baggage and have a much harder time letting go of past pains.

Many years of Al Anon and I've forgiven so many people and myself and actually changed a lot as a person, but a few past pains still linger on the radar.

In the last 4 months, I've actually reconnected with 3 people from my past where things ended really badly, but today, we talked it out and all is forgiven.

Is everything forgivable?
Click to expand...

case by case determination

if the person doesn't demonstrate a level of emotional maturity to indicate they may repeat past wrongs, it wouldn't be prudent to reinvest in a friendship/relationship etc ...
 
Yes, I think everything is forgivable but that does not mean you have to reconcile if they have not shown any change in behavior. Forgiving someone is just refusing to hate them and letting the anger go. I don't think you can rush it though.
 
Not even sure it's what they did. Most people don't do things personally, but act out of their own pains and mental struggles.

for example. I had a long lost friend who did some really messed up stuff to me, I walked away from her and she came back into my life my fluke 4 weeks ago. It's been 7 yrs since I saw her and I really just gave her a hug and let go of the shit she did. I realized, it was personal and she's grown from some of the hardships in her life.
I carried some anger for her over the years and in one swoop, I was ok with the past.

My ex who almost gave me HIV, how does one forgive that?
 
PICK3 said:
case by case determination

if the person doesn't demonstrate a level of emotional maturity to indicate they may repeat past wrongs, it wouldn't be prudent to reinvest in a friendship/relationship etc ...
Click to expand...

Let's say you don't want these people back in your life in any way, but you need to let go of the anger and forgive in silence?
 
blueta2 said:
Let's say you don't want these people back in your life in any way, but you need to let go of the anger and forgive in silence?
Click to expand...

seems wise, butt easily said than done in some cases

I don't typically hold grudges though
 
cindylou said:
Yes, I think everything is forgivable but that does not mean you have to reconcile if they have not shown any change in behavior. Forgiving someone is just refusing to hate them and letting the anger go. I don't think you can rush it though.
Click to expand...

Exactly, but the process of doing that is kind of odd. The ego takes over.
 
images
 
digimon7068 said:
hate can keep you warm at night...
Click to expand...

hate helps me survive emotional pain, but never keeps me warm.

I hate that I hate, it's not my style and makes me feel sickly.
My ex who almost gave me hiv, even after 12 yrs of me leaving, I still get these intense moment of hate for him. Where do you start to forgive that to get the toxins of hate out of the mind?
 
I definitely expend moar negative energy worrying about people I've wronged than sweating wut people have done to me
 
I can forgive, however investing time and effort into a relationship i won't trust??

life is too short..
 
blueta2 said:
hate helps me survive emotional pain, but never keeps me warm.

I hate that I hate, it's not my style and makes me feel sickly.
My ex who almost gave me hiv, even after 12 yrs of me leaving, I still get these intense moment of hate for him. Where do you start to forgive that to get the toxins of hate out of the mind?
Click to expand...

You have to fully feel the pain they caused you before you can really forgive them. Not push it away, but feel it and all of it. If there is any anger left try and let that melt into sorrow for the people and the entire world being the way it is. That might help let the last bit go?
 
cindylou said:
You have to fully feel the pain they caused you before you can really forgive them. Not push it away, but feel it and all of it. If there is any anger left try and let that melt into sorrow for the people and the entire world being the way it is. That might help let the last bit go?
Click to expand...

I felt it, slept with it, ate it, lived with it, you name it, I never avoided it.
But letting the left overs melt into sorrow for them is a great point.

SD, I've seen victims forgive their rapists or people who murdered their loved ones.
Why can some forgive and some cannot.

I mean, doesn't a person fuck someone over cause of their own pains?
 
blueta2 said:
yes, agreed!
I can forgive, but I struggle with not being able to forgive some. Why can I forgive some and not others?
Click to expand...

seriously, i think its what you got through....obviously the past makes things soooooo much more complicating.
 
wootoom said:
seriously, i think its what you got through....obviously the past makes things soooooo much more complicating.
Click to expand...

It does, but should we not just realize we all broken and have issues and let the anger go.

How would one forgive someone who hurt your child. Let's say a man who had a horrible upbringing hurt one of your kids. Could you forgive this man in time?
 
blueta2 said:
It does, but should we not just realize we all broken and have issues and let the anger go.

How would one forgive someone who hurt your child. Let's say a man who had a horrible upbringing hurt one of your kids. Could you forgive this man in time?
Click to expand...

Nope....it's just the way i am...
 
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wootoom said:
fuck my ex cheated on me with 2 kids....i dont think i could ever forgive her
Click to expand...

You see. why not?
I was able to forgive my ex (from years ago) who cheated and did some crazy shit, but this last ex, forgiveness is light years away.
 
blueta2 said:
You see. why not?
I was able to forgive my ex (from years ago) who cheated and did some crazy shit, but this last ex, forgiveness is light years away.
Click to expand...

i know, i really wish i could Blue....but i cant....it's been 4 years....i thought by now (after having a great gf) i could, so far not.
 
I have a very hard time forgiving people who have wronged me. I think what happens in my case is that, after I've been mad at them and they've been out of my life for a good while, I just grow accustomed to them being out of my life and see no reason to bring them back in when I'm happy with things the way they are.
 
Y'all are being some big ass pussies. It's not like someone killed your child. They sucked another cock, or went balls deep in your sister. Who cares, get over it. Nothing you can do about it now so let it go and move on

Balee dat
 
miplank said:
Why not? If she didn't do that you wouldnt be the man you are today.
Click to expand...

This is a great point, past pains make you who are today.
I do not regret my past pains because it made me strong and gave me much.
In theory, I know everyone does shit and it's not personal, but it's like to forgive is to let them off the hook, when I know in reality, it has nothing to do with that.

I think I could forgive if the person truly showed remorse. When they can't and you know they could care less about what they did, one still needs to let go, but how?!
 
miplank said:
Y'all are being some big ass pussies. It's not like someone killed your child. They sucked another cock, or went balls deep in your sister. Who cares, get over it. Nothing you can do about it now so let it go and move on

Balee dat
Click to expand...
quit trying to be the internet tough guy, fuck im furious now
 
canadianhitman said:
I have a very hard time forgiving people who have wronged me. I think what happens in my case is that, after I've been mad at them and they've been out of my life for a good while, I just grow accustomed to them being out of my life and see no reason to bring them back in when I'm happy with things the way they are.
Click to expand...

So by not bringing them back, does that mean you've forgave or just don't even think about it/them?
 
wootoom said:
i dont deal with problems that well, which is why i have trouble forgiving
Click to expand...

sometimes, me too! Do you think it's a Canadian thing?

;-)

For me, I just cannot wrap my head around people who hurt and are not sorry.

Woot, what if your ex came to you and made a sincere amends to you? Would you embrace that?
 
blueta2 said:
I think I could forgive if the person truly showed remorse. When they can't and you know they could care less about what they did, one still needs to let go, but how?!
Click to expand...


I think you're mistaking forgiveness with letting go, and that's the problem. It's very possible to stop dwelling on the incident/person without actually forgiving them...you just cut them out of your life entirely and the whole 'out of sight, out of mind' phenomenon takes over. At least, that's what happens when I do it after awhile. At first, it consumes you several times a day...you can't help but think about the whole mess and get angry...but eventually you think about it:

-once a day, then
-once every few days, then
-once a week, then
-once a month....then less

I've had two betrayals that I have not forgiven.

One was a former friend who talked shit about me behind my back so he could look cool in front of some of his co-workers. I have no need for people lacking loyalty in my life, so I cut him out completely. I was best man at his wedding...had been friends for 10 years...but that didn't matter to me. He tried to apologize a couple of years later through a third party, but by then I was perfectly happy with him not being in my life, so I chose to keep it that way.

One is a little more complicated...my 13yrs younger brother and I haven't really spoken much in the past 2.5 years. Loyalty issue again, plus some shit drama he brought into my parents' lives also. All I ever wanted was for him to get rid of the crazy bitch who started all the chaos, and the heartfelt apology he owes me. The bitch is gone, but the apology never came. He can't man up and admit he was wrong and apologize, so we will remain estranged until he grows a pair and does the right thing.
 
blueta2 said:
So by not bringing them back, does that mean you've forgave or just don't even think about it/them?
Click to expand...

In the case of a former friend I cut out of my life, I just don't think about him...it's as if he's dead really. I never forgave him, never will.
 
and as many of you witnessed, I have a tough time with my ex who posts here. There are days I want to forgive and a time when I tried to forgive, but he's never showed sincere amends or even acknowledge the things he did.
My therapist at the time said "he doesn't even realize what he's doing, you need to forgive that so you can let this anger go"

Won't get too much into that cause don't want to cause trouble, but in all seriousness. I would love the formula to work on forgiving that!
Forgiving doesn't mean that person is omitted from their wrongs, it just means, I don't take that pain personally anymore and can send it off.
 
canadianhitman said:
I think you're mistaking forgiveness with letting go, and that's the problem. It's very possible to stop dwelling on the incident/person without actually forgiving them...you just cut them out of your life entirely and the whole 'out of sight, out of mind' phenomenon takes over. At least, that's what happens when I do it after awhile. At first, it consumes you several times a day...you can't help but think about the whole mess and get angry...but eventually you think about it:

-once a day, then
-once every few days, then
-once a week, then
-once a month....then less

I've had two betrayals that I have not forgiven.

One was a former friend who talked shit about me behind my back so he could look cool in front of some of his co-workers. I have no need for people lacking loyalty in my life, so I cut him out completely. I was best man at his wedding...had been friends for 10 years...but that didn't matter to me. He tried to apologize a couple of years later through a third party, but by then I was perfectly happy with him not being in my life, so I chose to keep it that way.

One is a little more complicated...my 13yrs younger brother and I haven't really spoken much in the past 2.5 years. Loyalty issue again, plus some shit drama he brought into my parents' lives also. All I ever wanted was for him to get rid of the crazy bitch who started all the chaos, and the heartfelt apology he owes me. The bitch is gone, but the apology never came. He can't man up and admit he was wrong and apologize, so we will remain estranged until he grows a pair and does the right thing.
Click to expand...


By not forgiving, you can never let go? If you let it go, you would not even carry the anger for your friend or bro no?

Would you feel free if you could forgive them?
Or would it not make a difference in your life?
 
blueta2 said:
sometimes, me too! Do you think it's a Canadian thing?

;-)

For me, I just cannot wrap my head around people who hurt and are not sorry.

Woot, what if your ex came to you and made a sincere amends to you? Would you embrace that?
Click to expand...

She denies it, and she also wants me back....i mean, i really don't want to be her friend. We were married, we are civil and that's all i want from her. So maybe i guess i have kind of forgave her you would say...in a way lol
 
wootoom said:
She denies it, and she also wants me back....i mean, i really don't want to be her friend. We were married, we are civil and that's all i want from her. So maybe i guess i have kind of forgave her you would say...in a way lol
Click to expand...

Post up her noodz
 
canadianhitman said:
I think you're mistaking forgiveness with letting go, and that's the problem. It's very possible to stop dwelling on the incident/person without actually forgiving them...you just cut them out of your life entirely and the whole 'out of sight, out of mind' phenomenon takes over. At least, that's what happens when I do it after awhile. At first, it consumes you several times a day...you can't help but think about the whole mess and get angry...but eventually you think about it:

-once a day, then
-once every few days, then
-once a week, then
-once a month....then less
Click to expand...

true dat...^^^apathy^^^...and apathy ain't forgiveness.
 
she recently got fake tits...shes blonde 100lbs....but the biggest snob on the earth...so take all the looks away and shes nothing
 
I have no problem forgiving people. I can do it almost immediately with douchey exes and in more serious cases, people who have really done me harm.

I don't think forgiving someone means you aren't still hurt by an action, it just means you're no longer angry about a situation. How could you wait til you're not hurting anymore to forgive someone? It doesn't make sense to me. I need to forgive someone to start to heal, not heal to forgive.

I don't stay angry because there's just no point. Anger always does more harm to you than it does to someone else. You pick up a hot coal because you want to throw it at someone else and your hand is still the one that got burned.
 
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