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The Shadow
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...so It's like 10 minutes till class last nite. No Wilda. Just as I'm shutting the door the the aerobics room here she comes wearing spandex shorts, a sports bra and a tank over it. Ok - at this ppoint you guys should know that it's freaking cold (for Ga) outside. Already 26 and the wind blowing at a sustained 10-15 mph.
Ok - so Imagine Wilda/Spandex Think Sausage in a casing.
"She has new tennis shoes tonite, and that is not a bad thing THAT is a GOOD thing" I think to myself.
First exercise - pushups.
A couple of the women are doing men-style pushups.
"Cool. The Chichas are working hard toni....." Then I hear this...moan...I look over and Guess who has somehow managed to get BOTH arms trapped underneath her torso.
"What in the BLUE HELL????", I think to myself. "Wilda, what you doing, hun??"
Wilda replies "Well I saw that "Spandex bunny"(how ironic I though. The chick she is referring to can wear all the spandex she wishes. Kelly is 5'6" 130 pounds and infucking shape) over there doing the push-ups "mens" style and I though that I could too, but I got half-way down and just fell."
"Wilda", I said, "how did you get BOTH arms trapped UNDER you?"
She replied, "Well - I saw this variation on Bodyshaping that had you hands very close and up under you(think diamond pushups), and they didn't look that hard, so..."
So - Wilda - All 240 pounds of her though she could go from doing 3 push-ups womens style, to doing A sinlge mens diamond style pushup...Fucking A...where in ....forget..
I help Wilda up, which was an adventure all it's own. Wearing spandex she was all slick like and I couldn't get a good grip, so I push her over off of her hands and she rolls onto her back. She throws her legs into the air and swings them down really fast for leverage and does a poretty good cheat sit-up to get to a sitting poistion. From there onto one knee. She then grabs me on the arm and I help her up. At this point, her hands look...well...white from the lack of circulation. So she sits out for a while and decides to re-join the group during abs.
Was she doing abs correctly. I couldn't tell you. From the look on her face she was working something, but I'm not sure it was the abdominal region. She began to get very pink faced, then red, then almost a purplish color. She starts gasping for air.
"Fuck ME. She's having a heart attack"Wilda. Had already reached for the CPR mask when the color began to recede from her face.
"Wilda??!!! What is the deal. Are you Ok?'
"Yeah - I always do that when I do abs."
"Wilda - you've never done THAT in MY class b-4, what do you mean always?"
"Well since I started doing abs the way my husband does them."
"Ummm...Ok....how does He do them??"
"Well - he holds his breath during the set, and he's up to 30 seconds non-stop now"
"Yeah Ok - Wilda number one that is wrong, you breathe out on the contraction when you come up. Number two - you knew we were going for a minute non-stop. Why did you think you could hold you breath that long?
"Well - since "fitness bunny" over ther was doing it, I figured I could too."
"Wilda - she wasn't holding her breath."
".....Well now you tell me."
Will someone please shoot me in the fucking head??!!??
Ok - so Imagine Wilda/Spandex Think Sausage in a casing.
"She has new tennis shoes tonite, and that is not a bad thing THAT is a GOOD thing" I think to myself.
First exercise - pushups.
A couple of the women are doing men-style pushups.
"Cool. The Chichas are working hard toni....." Then I hear this...moan...I look over and Guess who has somehow managed to get BOTH arms trapped underneath her torso.
"What in the BLUE HELL????", I think to myself. "Wilda, what you doing, hun??"
Wilda replies "Well I saw that "Spandex bunny"(how ironic I though. The chick she is referring to can wear all the spandex she wishes. Kelly is 5'6" 130 pounds and infucking shape) over there doing the push-ups "mens" style and I though that I could too, but I got half-way down and just fell."
"Wilda", I said, "how did you get BOTH arms trapped UNDER you?"
She replied, "Well - I saw this variation on Bodyshaping that had you hands very close and up under you(think diamond pushups), and they didn't look that hard, so..."
So - Wilda - All 240 pounds of her though she could go from doing 3 push-ups womens style, to doing A sinlge mens diamond style pushup...Fucking A...where in ....forget..
I help Wilda up, which was an adventure all it's own. Wearing spandex she was all slick like and I couldn't get a good grip, so I push her over off of her hands and she rolls onto her back. She throws her legs into the air and swings them down really fast for leverage and does a poretty good cheat sit-up to get to a sitting poistion. From there onto one knee. She then grabs me on the arm and I help her up. At this point, her hands look...well...white from the lack of circulation. So she sits out for a while and decides to re-join the group during abs.
Was she doing abs correctly. I couldn't tell you. From the look on her face she was working something, but I'm not sure it was the abdominal region. She began to get very pink faced, then red, then almost a purplish color. She starts gasping for air.
"Fuck ME. She's having a heart attack"Wilda. Had already reached for the CPR mask when the color began to recede from her face.
"Wilda??!!! What is the deal. Are you Ok?'
"Yeah - I always do that when I do abs."
"Wilda - you've never done THAT in MY class b-4, what do you mean always?"
"Well since I started doing abs the way my husband does them."
"Ummm...Ok....how does He do them??"
"Well - he holds his breath during the set, and he's up to 30 seconds non-stop now"
"Yeah Ok - Wilda number one that is wrong, you breathe out on the contraction when you come up. Number two - you knew we were going for a minute non-stop. Why did you think you could hold you breath that long?
"Well - since "fitness bunny" over ther was doing it, I figured I could too."
"Wilda - she wasn't holding her breath."
".....Well now you tell me."
Will someone please shoot me in the fucking head??!!??
