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Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm. So where exactly is the problem? You know I have some real problems in my life and I'd be more than willing to trade. 
Split up with the lady, now a hot blond wants me to spend the night.... advice?
- Thread starter Big Brother Val
- Start date
I'll tell you what happened in my case
Val
I had a similar situation a while back when I was unfortunately married to the woman.
She would be a passionate, great lover, and then bitch and complain occasionally about stuff, but I could deal with that when things were like that.
Then she would not bitch or complain about anything and let me do whatever, but would not want to be intimate with me at all. I could deal with that too.
But after a couple of years, what started happening was she started doing both. She bitched about everything and did'nt want to be intimate with me anymore.
After about a year or so of it. I ended the marriage. we divorced.
What exactly am I trying to tell you here?
Would you want to live with her if she stayed exactly like she is now for the rest of your life?
With the chance of it even getting worse?
Start fresh with the hot blonde. Give it to her, then set the ground rules. Your going to be who you are and if she dosen't like it your gone.
peace
dk
Val
I had a similar situation a while back when I was unfortunately married to the woman.
She would be a passionate, great lover, and then bitch and complain occasionally about stuff, but I could deal with that when things were like that.
Then she would not bitch or complain about anything and let me do whatever, but would not want to be intimate with me at all. I could deal with that too.
But after a couple of years, what started happening was she started doing both. She bitched about everything and did'nt want to be intimate with me anymore.
After about a year or so of it. I ended the marriage. we divorced.
What exactly am I trying to tell you here?
Would you want to live with her if she stayed exactly like she is now for the rest of your life?
With the chance of it even getting worse?
Start fresh with the hot blonde. Give it to her, then set the ground rules. Your going to be who you are and if she dosen't like it your gone.
peace
dk
Big Brother Val
New member
Darksong.... In this situation... yeah... I don't have a problem showing it. Will some look at me like a bitch? Probably. But if someone can't understand why it's so hard... then they simply haven't felt this way about someone.
She is my motivation to do everything. I lift harder when she's in the gym with me... I wrestle better when she's in the crowd. I know it doesn't make me sound like a big tough guy... but there's only two places I open up... to her... and on this board. So my image is still protected
.
Machine.... Thank you very much for the information. I'm definately going to look at this site. And I agree... if I slept with this new gal... and then things didn't work out... I'd never know if it was because of what I did. The thing is... I would NEVER sleep with her, if I still had a thought that it could work with my lady. The new gal simply poses a stepping stone to start the process of breaking away from my gal. The thing is, I don't know if I could force myself to sleep with the new gal. I keep thinking it may be good to talk to her, and maybe let my gal find out I have been... maybe making her realize that losing me is a possibility. On the other hand... she just may retaliate, and see someone herself, which would defeat the purpose.
BDS... granted... this is no crisis. But to tell you the truth, I'd rather get in a car wreck and be screwed up for a while than face this. Hell... the world may be going to war soon. Which makes my personal problems non-existant. But there's nothing I can do about that. I was nearly paralyzed a year ago. I watched my brother die not long ago. I was holding my daughter when her heart stopped.... yeah... I've seen some fucked up things. And I'm usually not one to complain. This lady is my life. Giving her up is like giving up 80% of what I am. And to me... it's a very hard situation.
And KD... very valid point. If she stayed how she is right now... I wouldn't be able to survive. I got divorced as well. My x-wife slept with so many guys it'd make your head spin. But that made it easier to leave. Hurt like hell... but it was a great reason to go. This situation, I just feel like I'm not enough for the most important person in the world. I just wish there was something else I could do to make her see what she's going to lose.
You know... I almost feel odd sounding this emotional... it's really not my way. I'm just on my last leg here...
Hopefully it won't make people think too bad of me.
Thanks again for all your replies.
She is my motivation to do everything. I lift harder when she's in the gym with me... I wrestle better when she's in the crowd. I know it doesn't make me sound like a big tough guy... but there's only two places I open up... to her... and on this board. So my image is still protected
.Machine.... Thank you very much for the information. I'm definately going to look at this site. And I agree... if I slept with this new gal... and then things didn't work out... I'd never know if it was because of what I did. The thing is... I would NEVER sleep with her, if I still had a thought that it could work with my lady. The new gal simply poses a stepping stone to start the process of breaking away from my gal. The thing is, I don't know if I could force myself to sleep with the new gal. I keep thinking it may be good to talk to her, and maybe let my gal find out I have been... maybe making her realize that losing me is a possibility. On the other hand... she just may retaliate, and see someone herself, which would defeat the purpose.
BDS... granted... this is no crisis. But to tell you the truth, I'd rather get in a car wreck and be screwed up for a while than face this. Hell... the world may be going to war soon. Which makes my personal problems non-existant. But there's nothing I can do about that. I was nearly paralyzed a year ago. I watched my brother die not long ago. I was holding my daughter when her heart stopped.... yeah... I've seen some fucked up things. And I'm usually not one to complain. This lady is my life. Giving her up is like giving up 80% of what I am. And to me... it's a very hard situation.
And KD... very valid point. If she stayed how she is right now... I wouldn't be able to survive. I got divorced as well. My x-wife slept with so many guys it'd make your head spin. But that made it easier to leave. Hurt like hell... but it was a great reason to go. This situation, I just feel like I'm not enough for the most important person in the world. I just wish there was something else I could do to make her see what she's going to lose.
You know... I almost feel odd sounding this emotional... it's really not my way. I'm just on my last leg here...
Hopefully it won't make people think too bad of me.
Thanks again for all your replies.
THeMaCHinE
New member
Nobody thinks bad of you... It takes a tougher man to talk about this stuff than to hide it and pretend it doesn't exist.
I understand what you are saying about your love for your girl. I feel the same way about my wife. If you decide to develop a "stepping stone" then you are leaving yourself an out of the relationship if it gets too tough. You don't need that out. Simply by having it weakens your current relationship because it creates emotional distance and gives reality to the what ifs... I don't think you'd feel as good about yourself either.
If things go bad, you don't need another relationship right away -- you need some time to yourself to regain your happiness and confidence, and to do some things for you and you only. You won't end up alone, there are many, many women out there that are capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved. Believe it -- it's true.
My only bit of advice based on what you say above is that you shouldn't do anything just to get a response out of your lady. It never works out the way you want it to. And when it doesn't, you just end up more frustrated.
The only person't actions that you control are your own. As hard as it is to accept, you have to let go a little. Read the Dobson book right now, it'll give you a lot of insight in what to do at this stage. Also, start browsing the basic concepts at marriagebuilders, if you can get your girl to do it with you, all the better! When you feel a little more stable, you may want to try individual counseling out (insurance covers it).
As cheesy as it sounds, when I was having problems with in my relationship, and it got to be more than I could bear, I would stop and repeat this mantra to myself: "I am alive, I will survive." I know, it sounds funny -- but it actually works.
Things WILL work out for you. Stay strong and do right by yourself. Right now you have your morals and dignity. If you do the right thing, no matter how hard it might be, you'll come out a better person for all of this.
I understand what you are saying about your love for your girl. I feel the same way about my wife. If you decide to develop a "stepping stone" then you are leaving yourself an out of the relationship if it gets too tough. You don't need that out. Simply by having it weakens your current relationship because it creates emotional distance and gives reality to the what ifs... I don't think you'd feel as good about yourself either.
If things go bad, you don't need another relationship right away -- you need some time to yourself to regain your happiness and confidence, and to do some things for you and you only. You won't end up alone, there are many, many women out there that are capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved. Believe it -- it's true.
My only bit of advice based on what you say above is that you shouldn't do anything just to get a response out of your lady. It never works out the way you want it to. And when it doesn't, you just end up more frustrated.
The only person't actions that you control are your own. As hard as it is to accept, you have to let go a little. Read the Dobson book right now, it'll give you a lot of insight in what to do at this stage. Also, start browsing the basic concepts at marriagebuilders, if you can get your girl to do it with you, all the better! When you feel a little more stable, you may want to try individual counseling out (insurance covers it).
As cheesy as it sounds, when I was having problems with in my relationship, and it got to be more than I could bear, I would stop and repeat this mantra to myself: "I am alive, I will survive." I know, it sounds funny -- but it actually works.
Things WILL work out for you. Stay strong and do right by yourself. Right now you have your morals and dignity. If you do the right thing, no matter how hard it might be, you'll come out a better person for all of this.
Darksong2k1
New member
Solid words, Machine. Could not have said it any better myself.
BBV, you should move on with your life
"But if someone can't understand why it's so hard... then they simply haven't felt this way about someone. "
Very true...have been there, so i know.
Still, you should stop this relation if you can. Even if you ever get married to her, how long do you think your marriage will last?
She used you to get where she want's to be. And now she does not need you anymore.
Like most of the guys here where saying.
You should turn into another direction, even if it is difficult.
"But if someone can't understand why it's so hard... then they simply haven't felt this way about someone. "
Very true...have been there, so i know.
Still, you should stop this relation if you can. Even if you ever get married to her, how long do you think your marriage will last?
She used you to get where she want's to be. And now she does not need you anymore.
Like most of the guys here where saying.
You should turn into another direction, even if it is difficult.
THeMaCHinE
New member
People can and do change. Just because the relationship is a certain way now, or that people behave in certain ways inside of the relationship right now, doesn't mean it has to be that way forever. 90 percent of what we do as humans is habit. Change the habits, you change the person. Of course, this requires dedication to the relationship on the part of both parties involved. Also, there are probably things that can be done by both parties to improve the relationship, you can't make her out to be the evil villian as tempting as it may be. That is rarely the case.
Change is the only constant.
Change is the only constant.
Big Brother Val
New member
Machine, another great post. Thank you. I agree that people can change. And that it takes commitment on both parts. I hope it doesn't sound as if I'm making her out to be the bad guy. She's not. She just may not feel for me what she once did, and I hope to God that isn't the case. She isn't cheating on me... not seeing anyone else... she just doesn't seem to care anymore.
Jeff... I feel that same way. It's like when we first met, she wasn't as confident. She looked great, but nothing like she does now. As she got more confident... I became less important.
I keep wondering if she will get over it, in a way. She's never looked this good, so it's only natural to want to show what you work for. I just wish she wouldn't show me I was so unimportant in the process.
She said a long time ago, that she wanted to get to the point that she made other girls envy her body, like she used to envy some of theirs. And she has definately reached that point. I don't know if it's going to her head... if she doesn't care about me... or if I just don't understand.
The problem is, she won't talk to me at all. I ask her how she feels... and she says nothing. I ask why she can't talk to me... and she says nothing. The only thing she says on a regular basis is "I don't do anything wrong."
She'd rather defend herself, than help me understand. I'm trying to figure out how to communicate... and the info Machine has provided I'm hoping will help.
Jeff... I feel that same way. It's like when we first met, she wasn't as confident. She looked great, but nothing like she does now. As she got more confident... I became less important.
I keep wondering if she will get over it, in a way. She's never looked this good, so it's only natural to want to show what you work for. I just wish she wouldn't show me I was so unimportant in the process.
She said a long time ago, that she wanted to get to the point that she made other girls envy her body, like she used to envy some of theirs. And she has definately reached that point. I don't know if it's going to her head... if she doesn't care about me... or if I just don't understand.
The problem is, she won't talk to me at all. I ask her how she feels... and she says nothing. I ask why she can't talk to me... and she says nothing. The only thing she says on a regular basis is "I don't do anything wrong."
She'd rather defend herself, than help me understand. I'm trying to figure out how to communicate... and the info Machine has provided I'm hoping will help.
May I chime in for a moment guys. Big Bro, it sounds to me like the big problem here is your jealousy. She has never had to deal with that situation before. You don't even want to post a picture of her for fear we will look at her.
Sure she is getting attention now. That's something she has never received before and she is trying to deal with it. You apparently weren't jealous before her change....now you are. She never got attention before...now she does. Major things for both of you to deal with all of a sudden. This jealous rages of yours is not a good side of you. That is why the sex is decreased. If you love her so much and she said she would marry you tomorrow, both of you need to deal!!
Let the newness wear off of all this attention. You are the one she comes home to anyway. You apparently are used to getting this attention because you are a very good looking guy! You should be proud to have a woman like that on your arm. Just gloat and say, yes, she's with me. She's mine. Would you rather men look the other way when she walks by because she is so hideous.
She is showing off YOUR work afterall. A walking billboard. Be proud of the person you are with. Let her be this new person after all she still loves you. Go to premarital counseling and work through some of this if she means that much to you.
Sorry to interrupt this interesting display of male-dom. Just thought I would add a female perspective.
Mrs. TG
Sure she is getting attention now. That's something she has never received before and she is trying to deal with it. You apparently weren't jealous before her change....now you are. She never got attention before...now she does. Major things for both of you to deal with all of a sudden. This jealous rages of yours is not a good side of you. That is why the sex is decreased. If you love her so much and she said she would marry you tomorrow, both of you need to deal!!
Let the newness wear off of all this attention. You are the one she comes home to anyway. You apparently are used to getting this attention because you are a very good looking guy! You should be proud to have a woman like that on your arm. Just gloat and say, yes, she's with me. She's mine. Would you rather men look the other way when she walks by because she is so hideous.
She is showing off YOUR work afterall. A walking billboard. Be proud of the person you are with. Let her be this new person after all she still loves you. Go to premarital counseling and work through some of this if she means that much to you.
Sorry to interrupt this interesting display of male-dom. Just thought I would add a female perspective.
Mrs. TG
Mrs. TG has some valid points...your jealousy is very likely a contributing factor to these probs Big Bro, but it's surely not the only one or the cause of it all.
The fact that your gal is totally unwilling to communicate is keeping you two from moving toward any kind of resolution. How can she expect you to understand, or how can she understand you, if she says nothing besides "I don't do anything wrong"? That gets you two nowhere...she's throwing up a wall to block communication, and thus a resolution.
I'm sure you realize this already, but you can't expect this situation to get clear up with time. Usually it's the girl who tries to communicate & the guy doesn't say much. I know, I've been on both sides before. Sure, she has this new-found attention from other guys & probably other girls...she's proud, she enjoys it, and she damn well deserves it if she looks as good as you say. But the fact that it's placed a wedge between the two of you makes all that worthless (or it should). It sounds as if she'd rather have the attention of strangers than have a happy relationship with you.
I don't know, maybe she's confused about what she wants right now. But the facts you presented are that you two do not communicate any longer, you sleep on the couch, you're miserable, she pays no attention to you, yet you love her to death and would do anything to make it all work. What's missing? Her willingness to make it all work.
I do know how you feel bro, I've been in your shoes before. That relationship was less than yours...just a year...but this girl started acting more or less the same way. The difference is she finally talked with me and we went our separate ways. I hated that outcome, but in the end it was best for me. Now I'm with someone who seems to care 100 times more than that chick, and we've been together almost 2 years. The reason I say that is both to tell you I've been there, more or less, and that even if you two end up apart, you'll find someone you deserve.
It sucks to say this, but you need to sit her down, tell her she doesn't have to say anything right now, but just listen to you. Tell her how you feel, what you've seen changing between you two, tell her you don't understand but want to, yet she refuses to communicate. Say all you feel you need to say to her. Then, tell her she must communicate with you. Here's the kicker: if she is unwilling, tell her you cannot be with her then.
Only you can decide when you're ready to take that step, but I don't see how anything can improve when she won't talk to you. Yes, people can change, but I think those cases are rare in comparison to those that do not. You cannot make her change...only she can. You deserve more than being miserable, no matter how much you love this person. One thing I feel is for certain, if she will not communicate then nothing will ever change.
Good luck bro.
The fact that your gal is totally unwilling to communicate is keeping you two from moving toward any kind of resolution. How can she expect you to understand, or how can she understand you, if she says nothing besides "I don't do anything wrong"? That gets you two nowhere...she's throwing up a wall to block communication, and thus a resolution.
I'm sure you realize this already, but you can't expect this situation to get clear up with time. Usually it's the girl who tries to communicate & the guy doesn't say much. I know, I've been on both sides before. Sure, she has this new-found attention from other guys & probably other girls...she's proud, she enjoys it, and she damn well deserves it if she looks as good as you say. But the fact that it's placed a wedge between the two of you makes all that worthless (or it should). It sounds as if she'd rather have the attention of strangers than have a happy relationship with you.
I don't know, maybe she's confused about what she wants right now. But the facts you presented are that you two do not communicate any longer, you sleep on the couch, you're miserable, she pays no attention to you, yet you love her to death and would do anything to make it all work. What's missing? Her willingness to make it all work.
I do know how you feel bro, I've been in your shoes before. That relationship was less than yours...just a year...but this girl started acting more or less the same way. The difference is she finally talked with me and we went our separate ways. I hated that outcome, but in the end it was best for me. Now I'm with someone who seems to care 100 times more than that chick, and we've been together almost 2 years. The reason I say that is both to tell you I've been there, more or less, and that even if you two end up apart, you'll find someone you deserve.
It sucks to say this, but you need to sit her down, tell her she doesn't have to say anything right now, but just listen to you. Tell her how you feel, what you've seen changing between you two, tell her you don't understand but want to, yet she refuses to communicate. Say all you feel you need to say to her. Then, tell her she must communicate with you. Here's the kicker: if she is unwilling, tell her you cannot be with her then.
Only you can decide when you're ready to take that step, but I don't see how anything can improve when she won't talk to you. Yes, people can change, but I think those cases are rare in comparison to those that do not. You cannot make her change...only she can. You deserve more than being miserable, no matter how much you love this person. One thing I feel is for certain, if she will not communicate then nothing will ever change.
Good luck bro.
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