That was the funniest thing I've read in a very long time. You have my sympathy. May the hair on your ass grow back until you look like Buckwheat on a bad hair day.
If you want tips, get a hair clipper set. Use the BLENDER attachment. It cuts it real short but not to the skin. Just enough to solve the wiping problem but not other problems.
I had the opposite problem. Too much hair traps sweat and makes the crack raw.