Please Scroll Down to See Forums Below
napsgear
genezapharmateuticals
domestic-supply
puritysourcelabs
UGL OZ
UGFREAK
napsgeargenezapharmateuticals domestic-supplypuritysourcelabsUGL OZUGFREAK

Shame

  • Thread starter Thread starter Deleted member 33117
  • Start date Start date
D

Deleted member 33117

Guest
Agony… pain…shame. These are the words that describe my life. No matter how hard I fight against it, the memories control me, define my existence, my being. Every day, I wake up and tell myself that I am a good person, and did not deserve any of it. I was only a child. I fight it, but deep inside I know that my very soul is tainted… that I am unclean… and I cannot wash it away. I try so hard to be kind, and compassionate towards the feelings of other, but … I feel only shame at my existence… I am unworthy of love, respect or the compassion of other. I am not fit to exist. When will this agony end?
 
Dude, if this is a joke, it isn't amusing.
 
Its not a joke, Jerseyart. Its my journal entry for today. I have posted on teh fact before that I am in the process of prosecuting my aunt and uncle for molesting me as a child for 3 years when they were my next door neighbors.
 
Sorry Orb, that's a tough thing to deal with for anyone, especially a kid.

I wasn't sexually abused, but I was physically abused pretty savagely (not by my parents) for a number of years, so I can somewhat relate.

It either makes you bitter and angry, or stronger and more empathetic. Done both, and the latter is much better
 
damn bbf...do you think laying off the sauce might help your mental outlook?
 
Gambino said:
damn bbf...do you think laying off the sauce might help your mental outlook?
Click to expand...

I feel better when I am on test honestly.
 
I am glad you at least realize it... you are the only guy I've ever even heard of that

1) Bodybuilds and juices... AND
2) Has a black belt in martial arts... AND
3) Is studying psychology... AND
4) Is a serial dater (although you seem to be slowing down)

all things which are known to be things people POSSIBLY (not always of course) do in an attempt to cover up/fix other parts of their life.

I hope you nail your aunt and uncle to the wall.
 
deteras1 said:
Holy shit !your aunt and uncle both?

WTF happened?
Click to expand...

Are you just fucking around, or do you really want to know the details?
 
Bran987 said:
I am glad you at least realize it... you are the only guy I've ever even heard of that

1) Bodybuilds and juices... AND
2) Has a black belt in martial arts... AND
3) Is studying psychology... AND
4) Is a serial dater (although you seem to be slowing down)

all things which are known to be things people POSSIBLY (not always of course) do in an attempt to cover up/fix other parts of their life.

I hope you nail your aunt and uncle to the wall.
Click to expand...

Yeah, my therapist has a field day with all of that. She thinks I should write a book on coping with sexual abuse.
 
deteras1 said:
Yes orb ,what happened,how old were you and you are saying it was both of them?
Click to expand...

Actually the only childhood memories I ahve are the abuse and even those are really fragmented. It started when i was 4, but my aunt didn't participate until I was 5 or so. It lasted for 3 years. I actaully have a very vivid memory of when my aunt first did anything. My therapist and I have talked about that in detail. Part of that is what has me so fucked up with women, and my sex addiction problem.
 
Bran987 said:
I am glad you at least realize it... you are the only guy I've ever even heard of that

1) Bodybuilds and juices... AND
2) Has a black belt in martial arts... AND
3) Is studying psychology... AND
4) Is a serial dater (although you seem to be slowing down)

all things which are known to be things people POSSIBLY (not always of course) do in an attempt to cover up/fix other parts of their life.

I hope you nail your aunt and uncle to the wall.
Click to expand...

Very insightful, and very true
 
sorry bbf,
 
I have been able to talk about the details now with my therapist, but god... I am so not ready to step into a courtroom, with my family (plus members of my family that will support them) with, strangers and everyone watching... and have their attourney destroy my credibility and rip me apart in front of everyone. Even as an adult the two of them have convinced some of my family members that I am gay, and other such things to try to make me look bad. I just so do not want to do this right now....
 
I just read the whole post.... Sorry dude.

I mess with you on a different thread.
 
Last edited:
BodyByFinaplix said:
Agony… pain…shame. These are the words that describe my life. No matter how hard I fight against it, the memories control me, define my existence, my being. Every day, I wake up and tell myself that I am a good person, and did not deserve any of it. I was only a child. I fight it, but deep inside I know that my very soul is tainted… that I am unclean… and I cannot wash it away. I try so hard to be kind, and compassionate towards the feelings of other, but … I feel only shame at my existence… I am unworthy of love, respect or the compassion of other. I am not fit to exist. When will this agony end?
Click to expand...

You'd fit right in at your local goth club.

I suggest stocking up on black eyeliner and lipstick.

"Oh the pain, THE PAIN!"
 
Honestly BBF not trying to be a dick but, to answer when the question of when the pain will end:

1. When you realize that you are a good person and have worth.
2. When you die.

Hopefully you can realize #1 before the second option occurs. You have to realize that you are not the cause and that is isn't your fault. Only now do you have the power to do anything to correct your problem. Children are virtually powerless and that is why sick people take advantage of them. It may horrify you now but the best thing for you is to confront them in an open setting(ie.court) and show them you are your own person and that what they did is not acceptable. This will be the first step for you. Then you must realize your own worth and allow others to see it in you.

Cheers,
Scotsman
 
It's a miracle, that you haven't killed those people....
I hope you get some payback in the court room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
when you die.

sometimes acceptance, rather than fighting/blocking is what you need to do to resolve feelings. just a thought from a guy who doesnt know the story.

sounds fucked.
 
thats a bummer if its true. but what do you hope to accomplish by saying that on the net? sympathy? drama? it worked for nattyanabolic, it'll work for you
 
Ulcasterdropout said:
It's a miracle, that you haven't killed those people....
I hope you get some payback in the court room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

Well I have started to make the drive to their home... but stopped myself... for a number of reasons.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
BodyByFinaplix said:
Well I have started to make the drive to their home... but stopped myself... for a number of reasons.
Click to expand...



Very wise to do that. This type of vengance, at the time seems appropiate but would produce more grief and anguish down the road.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
BodyByFinaplix said:
Well I have started to make the drive to their home... but stopped myself... for a number of reasons.
Click to expand...
dont admit to that. and dont ever think about doing that again.


what they did was wrong, definately..

but it doesnt make you a bad person, and you shouldnt ruin your life by doing that
 
Last edited by a moderator:
SublimeZM said:
dont admit to that. and dont ever think about doing that again.
what they did was wrong, definately..

but it doesnt make you a bad person, and you shouldnt ruin your life by doing that
Click to expand...

What he said. Harming them, or harming yourself, would be their final victory. Do not give it to them.
 
childhood experiences give nascent to many psychological pathologies - have you ever actually been diagnosed/prescribed anything?

3 years of abuse - did you parents not believe you or you kept it quiet; why sustain it for so long?
 
juve said:
childhood experiences give nascent to many psychological pathologies - have you ever actually been diagnosed/prescribed anything?

3 years of abuse - did you parents not believe you or you kept it quiet; why sustain it for so long?
Click to expand...

My mother knew something was wrong when I was 7, so she took me to a psychologist. Who then recomended I go some place for inpatient care, and they found physical evidence of the abuse. My parents did not know who did it, and they just decided to move to Houston near my mother's family, to find new work, and for my mother to go to school. I went through a great deal of therapy growing up, but never admited to any of it until adulthood. Honestly I forget all of it until I was 16, and have sex for the first time. After that I would let anyone touch me for a few years, so obvioulsy did not have sex again.

Yes I ahve been diagnosed with a few things. Disassociative amnesia, disassociative fugue, post tramatic stress dissorder, and chronic depression (I do well at hiding this though, because I am so cheerful around alot of people in public). Overall though, I actually function with the fugue, can usualy hold a job, make A's in college etc. However it in the past has gotten me a in a bit of trouble in jobs historically, and I got fired once becuase I disapeared for a week, and woke up in Chicago instead of Houston. I've only had about 4 or five episodes in the last year, and they tend to be 2-4 hours in length... however my therpapist and I have isolated some triggers for them, and I have not had one in couple of months.
 
fugue is a state that you enter which can last for a few minutes or as long as a few months. Not as bad as DID (also called multiple personality), but when it happensyou lose you memories, personality etc, forget who you are, and go do something. I find myself in strange places with no memory of how I got there, like a grocery store I havfe never been in. And once in Chicago.
 
Nubly said:
thats a bummer if its true. but what do you hope to accomplish by saying that on the net? sympathy? drama? it worked for nattyanabolic, it'll work for you
Click to expand...
nubly your a dick
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

FishyAnchovy
Approved Log My Orals-Only Pre-Cycle LOG
Replies
21
Views
4K
MUSTANG_18
MUSTANG_18
sebasq
Approved Log My Trenbolone Acetate, Testosterone Enanthate, Deca Cycle Log
Replies
61
Views
11K
MUSTANG_18
MUSTANG_18
GMAN007
Approved Log My First Cycle Tbol Dbol Log
2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Replies
943
Views
72K
MUSTANG_18
MUSTANG_18
Liquid Gold Labs
  • Sticky
Silver Supplier 💎 Liquid Gold Labs Updates + Announcements 💎
Replies
9
Views
2K
pigsy
pigsy
25homes
Approved Log Domestic-Supply.com Bulking Log - 25Homes
2 3 4 5 6 7
Replies
606
Views
49K
the_alcatraz
the_alcatraz
Top Bottom