I just remembered that I apparently already posted about this, though I was trying to leave personal shit out of it and argue objectively (after patsfan's thread) but I really need to speak up for a second about the not reporting it thing.
When I was 13, I was violently raped. I'm not going to get into the details because they are completely irrelevant but needless to say most of my injuries were in places where I could hide it, and I already had a good excuse for staying in bed for a few days (the very same thing that left me in a position of vulnerability to be attacked). My attacker told me that if I ever told anyone, even if he went to jail, when he got out he'd find me and do it again.
I was terrified, traumatized and a child. I don't even think I had my period yet.
Even three years later when my life was spiraling out of control because I was haunted by nightmares and flashbacks that left me unable to cope with day to day life, I didn't tell anyone. I still remember clear as day being in a counseling session with my parents, my mother in tears, asking me if I had been raped. She had been molested as a child and I guess picked up on things in my behavior. I started crying, nodded, and thus began the healing.
People who come down on victims for not reporting it don't really grasp how deep the shame is. It's not just how much you would have to go through, though it's certainly part of it. It's just that you feel so dirty and used, you blame yourself, and you fear like nothing else that if you tell someone, anyone, they will see you the same way. I had had a crush on the guy who raped me (he was 22). I'd never kissed a guy at that point let alone think about sex, but because I'd thought he was "cute," I took all of it onto myself.
I honestly almost never tell anyone about this. Not because of the shame anymore, I've worked through it, but because I hate the idea of anyone feeling sorry for me or treating me like a victim. Sure, I mourn those years of HS that essentially were lost to having this secret rule my life. I wish I'd never had to go through hyperventilating to the point of throwing up because a guy asked me out. But I like to think I came out of it ok, all around. I don't see it as relevant to the person I am today and I certainly wouldn't want someone else to see it as relevant. That's why in part I understand the original post.
But anyone coming down on a rape victim for not reporting it...You really have no idea. It's easy to say "fight like a bitch"...but it took all I had not to just give up on life in general at one point. Every emotional resource was focused on fighting like a bitch not to let the fucker kill me inside and out. Expecting me or any other victim to have the ADDITIONAL strength to actually take an aggressive position...some have it, some don't. But the ones who don't aren't lame or weak. There might be a million little things that seperate them from the ones who report it. They might not have the same support. They might already have depression issues that make the task even harder. Circumstances might be different where they might blame themselves more than another victim. Who the attacker is could be the difference (father, as opposed to a stranger - who do you think is going to cause more shame and secrecy?). It took me years to forgive myself for not reporting him, years to forgive myself for how desperate I let things get before I even told my mother, who is one of the most wonderful people on the planet in my opinion. So I'm not going to see this kind of thing and just let it slide.
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