Man this sucks. What a shitty situation to be in.
I've had my runs with serious depression in the past. Sometimes its been because of the woman in my life, sometimes it was something else. But regardless of the cause, the result was the same.
Inability to focus.
Lack of appetite.
Unable to sleep.
Pent up anger and frustration only led to other negative situations...
Its just all in all a shitty situation that you are in right now, and the only thing you can do is try and kick yourself in the ass and get out of the gutter.
I know its hard. Its even more difficult when its the woman that you were going to marry. My woman is bi-polar and we have been together for 10 years. We just finally got married this past New Years Eve. We have had such a troubled past, that I wouldnt even consider marrage up until recently. To be honest, there are times that I regret it... because like you I am a very very jealous person. I hold grudges. Im like an elephant... i dont forget a god damn thing. So everything that my wife has ever done to hurt me, often times resurfaces for no reason whatsoever and I just get so mad I damn near snap.
One thing that always seemed to, and still seems to help me get through situations is "The Routine". I make a schedule and stick to it so that I can focus on something else and keep my mind occupied. Once my mind is idle... thats when I become my own worst enemy.
On the subject of appetite. Naturally I have virtually no appetite. Ive been known to go days without eatting. I dropped down to just above 180 pounds last year, and when I decided that I was going to propose to my wife, I got focus'd. I had let myself slide way too far. The first thing I needed to do was get my appetite back in full swing.
I forced myself on a strict eatting schedule, eatting 3 small meals at the exact same times per day. It took roughly 3 months before it finally kicked in, but after about 3 months I could feel my body starting to get hungry at the times it was used to being fed.
After that point, it shot through the roof real quick. Within a matter of a few weeks after that point, I was noticing an increase in appetite between those meals.
It was at that point I began supplementing with small snacks. A few weeks after that, my appetite was raring to go and now I am eatting 4-5 times a day, with 3 supplement shakes minimum, and im hungry damn near all the time. Plus I smoke weed every night which does help, obviously... but youre concerned about randoms so that really isnt an option for you.
This has been over the course of the last 5.5 months. I have been on gear for the last 9 weeks.
There is nothing that any of us can say or do to get you out of the funk you are currently in. Only you (can prevent forrest fires!...) can get yourself motivated enough to do something about it.
There is going to come a time where you are sick of feeling how you are feeling, and you will do something about it. You just have to decide when that time has come...
Goodluck bro. Stay safe... stay sane... and stay focus'd. Keep your chin up.
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