Motivating a spouse

[velvett]

Texas,

I imagine the reason she tells you about her needing to lose weight is because she doesn't want you to think she is not aware of her appearance. She's probably not ready to start to do something to change her appearance, which basically adds up to not hating how you look enough to start to change the way you look.

It's about comfort levels.
When she is more uncomfortable with how she looks than comfortable she will perhaps begin. No guarantees.

I would suggest that the next time she brings it up to her ask her what sort of plans she had in mind for starting a diet and workout plan. She might just feel intimidated by a gym, or doesn't know where to start and doesn't want you to be the one tell her what and how.

Perhaps when she brings it up to you again you could offer her a mini-membership to one of those one on one personal training place. It may give her the confidence and motivation to continue on her own in a regular gym or health club.

She will not respond to anything you say - it will only push her farther away from starting. You can continue a conversation she starts but don't be the first one to bring it up.

She has to feel that you are supporting her in something she chose to do not something she feels that she needs to do to keep you interested.

If that doesn't work. Call her a fat bitch.

LOL
And there you have the fastest guarantee to a NO SEX marriage.

Maybe counsuling to find out why she has this eating disorder.

Why do you assume she has an eating disorder?

Texas said she likes to eat good *home cookin'* and doesn't work out. I imagine his wife's weight gain is age/metabolism slow down. She probably ate like that her whole life and it's now catching up with her.

Do you always assume that people that need to lose weight have an eating disorder?

 

[frorider6]

velvett, it sounds like he doesn't want to fuck her now so what's the problem?

I feel your pain bro. I doubt anything I said would help though. Except for the "fat bitch" thing. But only as a last resort!

 

[velvett]

velvett, it sounds like he doesn't want to fuck her now so what's the problem?

Nothing I guess.
Frorider, maybe your wife doesn't think you worth looking good for.


Just a thought.

 

[ryker77]

Anything and everything you do will in her eyes be the same as calling her " Fat ". It could be 2-3 weeks later after you try to teach her the correct way to eat and your both eating and she puts an assload of butter on her potatoes and you just happen to look at the butter for a split second to long. Well she'll notice and she'll automactilly think your thinking how fat she is. (females)
Point is she knows she's fat. She knows she isn't as attractive. But no matter what you do you'll be the bad guy.
Just keep your mouth shut unless you want to loose alot of $$$ in a divorce. Like me...

Perhaps order her some fitness type magazines but don't let her know you ordered them.

 

[Y_lifter]

There are multiple levels of Eating Disorders IMO.
Everyone thinks about serious ones like binge/purge and Anerexia when they hear the term.
I am referring to being overweight, not trying to do anything about it and constantly using self loathing language about one self.
There are plenty of overweight people that are happy with themselves and that's better than being overweight and not liking how you look physically.
Before I started lifting several years ago, I too had the slowing metabolism waight gain problem.
I finally got fed up with wearing tight clothes and feeling guilty every time I ate anything remotely fattening.

 

[TexasBig]

velvet-
thanks for all of the input. I have actually gotten her a personal trainer a couple of years ago. she went to 4 of the 10 sessions, got fatigued within 10 minutes of the workout and basically gave up. she went to the doctor for the fatigue, but they couldn't find anything wrong with her.

and by the way... I am worth looking good for

Maybe there's nothing I can do about it, but no matter what, I can't change the fact that I'll always wish she was in shape. Maybe someday it'll be an issue that is too big to ignore, or maybe it's something I can live with the rest of my life but just not being 100% satisfied.

And since her and I have gone round and round about this subject in the past, I can't bring it up to her anymore or all hell breaks loose.

 

[GinNJuice]

Gin how old are you?

If he tries to shame her it'll make things worse. Christ, take it from a woman. You try this on her and things could back fire on you. Some woman use food for a sense of comfort.

LOL.... well, I'm 28..... and no, I don't think I know women (what man does?)..... but anyway, I wasn't suggesting ANY form of shame. However, it sounds like he is not happy with the situation (for whatever reasons) and I was mearly giving a suggestion that he might try(softly). All people react differently, so in this case I might have been wrong...... or maybe it was a good suggestion...... neither you, or I will know.

 

[velvett]

There are multiple levels of Eating Disorders IMO.
Everyone thinks about serious ones like binge/purge and Anerexia when they hear the term.
I am referring to being overweight, not trying to do anything about it and constantly using self loathing language about one self.

While I agree with you and the multiple levels of eating disorder - from what Texas said it seems (key word here = seems) not to be something along the lines of compulsive overeating/depression and I don't recall him using the term self-loathing.


Anywhoooooooo...


Congrats on the metabolism turn around!

 

[velvett]

and by the way... I am worth looking good for

Sorry - I hadn't meant that to be directed to you.

thanks for all of the input. I have actually gotten her a personal trainer a couple of years ago. she went to 4 of the 10 sessions, got fatigued within 10 minutes of the workout and basically gave up. she went to the doctor for the fatigue, but they couldn't find anything wrong with her.

Ahh.
Hmmm.
That's a shame - her being fatigued, I would think to be normal for someone that doesn't workout.

Have her eating habits changed at all since you met her? (Damn, I may be inserting foot here soon huh, Y-lifter...)


I don't know Texas - could she be depressed?

Have you tried a sport like Tennis or Rollerblading?
You two could do that together and it doesn't have to be labeled as *working out*.

Probably best to let it go for a bit if talking about it starts a fight. (I have a married friends that fight over the same exact thing - since 6 month prior to their marriage.)

*fingers crossed*

good luck

 

[frorider6]

Velvett-maybe I should be offended at your comment but I'm not. I Know there's tons about this that you don't know about and there's no sense getting pissy. I divorced her for many more reasons than just her cutting her hair and getting a big ass.

I'm just empathizing with Tex about his wife's changing appearance and her seemingly lazy and unresponsive attitude about it. I think it makes it even worse that she thinks she's getting fat, complains to him all the time, but yet does nothing to help herself. It sounds like he truly does love her which would make it even harder on him. She complains to him, he has the solution and would support her 100%, but she does nothing but complain even more.