I broke up with bf/ I'm back

[reno240]

No, I have never, ever cheated on him. I haven't so much as held hands with another man. Heck, I even used to get scared if a man even said "hi" to me if he was going to see it. I had to avoid eye contact with waiters and valets. He was just disturbingly jealous, to the point of delusions. Seriously, I swear on my mother's ashes.

And, no it didn't make me feel empowered -- just the opposite.

I had a g/f like that. Just nuts. Look at the waitress to order my food - and here comes the accusations of what I was looking at! Crazy beotch. The dumbest thing I did - was I kept saying to myself - ok, stop doing this one thing and she'll calm down - then - ok, stop doing this other thing and she'll calm down. Guess what? She never calmed down.

 

[healother]

No, I have never, ever cheated on him. I haven't so much as held hands with another man. Heck, I even used to get scared if a man even said "hi" to me if he was going to see it. I had to avoid eye contact with waiters and valets. He was just disturbingly jealous, to the point of delusions. Seriously, I swear on my mother's ashes.

And, no it didn't make me feel empowered -- just the opposite.

how are you doing? what is the update on your situation? (i havent heard much since the 1st page of the thread! maybe i overlooked something)

 

[Bikini Mod]

No, I have never, ever cheated on him. I haven't so much as held hands with another man. Heck, I even used to get scared if a man even said "hi" to me if he was going to see it. I had to avoid eye contact with waiters and valets. He was just disturbingly jealous, to the point of delusions. Seriously, I swear on my mother's ashes.

And, no it didn't make me feel empowered -- just the opposite.

Sounds just like my ex. Funny how they always turn it around on you. If I told him who was talking to me and what the conversation was about then he would get pissed at me for "telling him too much" ie you are TRYING to make me jealous. Then if he found out later that I left one word of the conversation then it was, "YOU LYING CUNT - WHAT ELSE ARE YOU LYING TO ME ABOUT?!"

I was raised with the twisted notion that jealousy was part of love. After 9 years of marriage and four children though it wore thin. I stuck it out for another 2 1/2 years or so before I kicked my ex out for finally beating me up.

I have since adopted a ZERO TOLERANCE policy for jealousy.

 

[heatherrae]

YOu are really knowledgable on the subject. I have really appreciated your insight. I think that my personality lends me to forgive and forget when I shouldn't. He started with insults and being demeaning, then he would apologize and act like a saint, and I would just try let it roll off my back and want to just have a calm, quiet evening at home or out at dinner. I just tend to forgive any damn thing.

It is a weird situation, for sure. I have plenty of mixed emotions about the situation. I really pray he does get help or he is going to drink and smoke himself to death. I don't expect his kids to come around him when they grow up, so he will have a miserable old age, if he doesn't change his ways. I dont wish that on anyone. I must be mental for still feeling sorry for him.

They took him off to jail yesterday. I actually cried a little for him after they took him away, because the expression on his face was one I have never seen from him -- fear and vulnerability.

On the other hand, when I cried to him the next day that he hurt my arm, he said, "are you done slobbering, yet?" So, part of me says, "screw him." lol.

how many kids do you have with the batterer? A lot of woman stay because they have children with the abuser. Not all abuse is physical. So just because you left after you were hit doesn't mean you werent abused for a prolonged period of time. There are way worse types of abuse than physical. You were probably abused way before being hit, it just took physical abuse before you realized it was time to dip. Do a search and look at the statistics. Your upbringing might also have helped you. Most girls are attracted to men who have simular personalities of their fathers. If daddy is an abuser, sometimes the daughters boyfriend is also an abuser. Obviously their are exceptions to the rule. You had the strength that a lot of woman don't have.

 

[blueta2]

I must be mental for still feeling sorry for him.

Nope not mental, the word is compassionate.
After all the heartache my ex put me through, when I went to therapy, I would sit in there and cry worrying about him.
When you get strong, the compassion you have for him, will be directed at yourself

 

[heatherrae]

Yeah, he blames 100% of this on me. He said that I am a cancer in the family that he was going to remove. Nevermind the fact that I found out that he has a history of domestic battery and abusing his kids! I guess they were all asking for it too. He even played the martyr the other day, and moaned about how the cops and CPS were ruining his life for years to come,now.

I've told you before how happy I am for you that things have turned around for you. You deserve the world. =-)

Sounds just like my ex. Funny how they always turn it around on you. If I told him who was talking to me and what the conversation was about then he would get pissed at me for "telling him too much" ie you are TRYING to make me jealous. Then if he found out later that I left one word of the conversation then it was, "YOU LYING CUNT - WHAT ELSE ARE YOU LYING TO ME ABOUT?!"

I was raised with the twisted notion that jealousy was part of love. After 9 years of marriage and four children though it wore thin. I stuck it out for another 2 1/2 years or so before I kicked my ex out for finally beating me up.

I have since adopted a ZERO TOLERANCE policy for jealousy.

 

[heatherrae]

Nope not mental, the word is compassionate.
After all the heartache my ex put me through, when I went to therapy, I would sit in there and cry worrying about him.
When you get strong, the compassion you have for him, will be directed at yourself

Wow, that really helped. Thank you!

 

[heatherrae]

I've had Heather on ignore since the last time I interacted with her and I realized our interactions are personally upsetting (this was around the time BikiniMom was asking about wedding suggestions). Also, the coven I'm studying with had their private Yule celebration this past weekend (the mother house is having a bigger celebration later this month).

My father abused my mother mentally and physically (nothing like those pleasant childhood memories of seeing daddy stand on mommy's back and try to stomp her head into a concrete floor). I swore I would never take that shit myself and then went and married myself a pathological liar/emotional manipulator and it took a decade before I would acknowlege the situation, could accept that he would never change and things would never get better. The biggest problem in being in an abusive relationship is admitting that it's hopeless, that you can't help this person, and you care enough for yourself to get away from this damaged individual.

As far as I can tell, the only value in experiencing an abusive relationship is that you have the chance to learn the warning signs and get away from these people in the future before you become enmeshed with them. Personally, I think part of the reason we become involved with them in the first place is that we think somehow we can help/fix them, the other part is denying the reality of what the situation is. Abusive relationships can teach you a lot about reality, in particular, they can teach you that you aren't responsible for the actions of another person. Part of the reason the abuse persists is that the person being abused doesn't open their mouth to their friends or family (usually out of pride, because they see the abuse somehow as being their fault) essentially becoming accomplices in their own pain.

You shouldn't be ashamed of telling your family what happened, Heather. Making a bad love choice is no reflection on you. But blaming yourself for what happened only compounds the pain and guilt and places you even deeper in the position that you think you deserved what happened, setting you up to fall right back into the same mess, either with this man or another like him.

And BTW, people almost never change. Most men who belt women will always do so.

Thank you, MM. =-)

 

[gotmilk]

He said that I am a cancer in the family that he was going to remove.

He could have given you chemotherapy instead of an ass kicking.

 

[heatherrae]

I don't want to sound uncompassionate but I would suggest to you to remove this thread or request that it be done. While it's a good this to find the support you need putting this up on the web may prove to more damaging than you can imagine.

I realize that the thread could be used in evidence. However, I don't think I've said anything that is damaging to me. ???