JK,
If you're progressively adding weight to the bar on a squat, a pull, and a press and eating more calories than you burn, you'll get stronger and grow muscle. You will put a little fat on more likely than not, but you don't have to get 'fat' per se. No healthy, 30 year old guy can't build muscle with proper training and eating enough calories.
I'm not a certified therapist or a psychologist, but it really does seem like there are deepr things going on here that are underlying that go further than ''I want to build some muscle, but struggle with fat gain".
Everybody has abs, all humans have them. The contest-shape bodybuilders you mention don't hold that condition year-round.
What I would suggest is a focus on performance and strength/speed, rather than bodybuilding. Turn the focus on what you can do, rather than how you look. You're gonna look fine anyway.
As much as you may not want to believe this, calories are calories are calories.....you cannot circumvent calories in vs calories out.....if you eat 2000 cals a day of chicken breasts or 2000 cals a day of mcdonalds french fries, it is still 2000 cals. The cleaner stuff is lifestyle choice and you'll be healthier for it, but thats all there is to it. To simplify it, it is easier to eat clean and stay lean because of total calories.
For a guy like you, I say stop measuring, weighing, and counting. For breakfast eat eggs and oatmeal, the rest of your meals eat meat, a green veggie or salad, and a starch, don't eat white flour in EXCESS, don't eat fast food in EXCESS, and don't drink alcohol in EXCESS, stop looking in the mirror and stop weighing yourself and train compound lifts progressively. Don't make a pre-planned diet, don't post about them and worry about them and don't obsess whether it is better to eat 6 cashews with your whey shake pre-bed or 8 cashews....none of it matters, stop worrying about the 1% you obsess over getting right, and start worrying about the simple 99% that you're getting all wrong.
Life is filled with real problems, bodyfat percentage isn't one of them as long as you're not obese. Good luck and I wish you the best. Feel free to start a journal too.