hello!!! need some advice

[Tink!]

To all my old friends on here, HELLO!!!! Hope all is well!!
okay, i come here because i need some helpful advice.
I am in a very unhealthy relationship. I know it, I'm sure he knows it. He is a very selfish, cold hearted un caring man. He use to be mister wonderful, but after 3 years that has all gone down the toilet.
There is a lot of verbal and mental abuse and he got kind of physcial a few times, but not slapping me around. I know it is never going to change, i know it is never going to get better. I know it is up to me to get out and go on.
So, i don't so much need to hear that kind of things, but how??
So for you that don't know me I am a single mom of 1 daughter almost 9. My ex has took me to court 6 times in the last few months. First time was trying to get custody. He brough up my current boyfriends criminal record and tried to take my daughter away from me, or at least keep him out of her life.
Really he just has driving on suspendeds and a couple for weed. I am broke as a joke and have another surgery on Monday. I have to stay here for the surgery recovery as i have no where else to go. I do not want to, because i know he is still going to expect an immaculant home and dinner on the table the minute he walks in the door. Last time i had got cut all the way open, it was a constant fight how my pain couldn't be that bad, and i should still be able to get up and take care of him.
So, when i go, i will have to leave everything I own behind. My daughter and I will have to start completely over. No furniture, just clothes. My x will totally use this against me, to try to take my daughter from me, because i left this guy once last year when I got pregnant and he demanded for me to leave or get an abortion.
I don't know if i should do it for me and my santity and say screw it all, i will start fresh, or for my daughters sake stay so i can try to get all of my belongings?? He will not let me take anything out of t his home, and he gets all of my pay check. It's not exactly like i make that much to up and go on anyways and i would most likely go stay with my best friend and her two kids for a while leaving my daughter and i to share a room.
I really don't know what is best to do. I am not the kind of person that uses people, so the thought just makes me sick to my stomach, but i am trying to figure out and do what is right for my daughter as well as myself.
thanks for any advice!!
I don't know how often i will be able to get on here, as he will FREAK out!!!
take care everyone!!!

 

[EnderJE]

Hey Tink. Sorry to hear that you're not doing that great over the last few years.

 

[ceo]

hi tink! Damn, what a mess you're in. Don't you have friends there that will help you? Help you get your stuff? Help you with a place to stay? Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

[Bikini Mod]

The Family Place

Please check this organization out. They are there to help women JUST LIKE YOU.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. If you need to bend an ear, please PM me. Don't let this man keep robbing your life from you. Get out with you and your daughter even if it means you've nothing but the clothing on your back.

 

[Razorguns]

Why on earth are you dating these type of guys???? Grab your daughter and go, he tries to stop you dial 911.

r

 

[shrimp poboy]

If you need someone to talk with pm me

 

[Bikini Mod]

I dunno why your marriage ended and it really bears no relevance but that he is the father of your child. Unless your ex was also abusive I could understand why he would want custody of the child.

I think that you and your daughter would greatly benefit from some counseling so you could gain some insight as to why you chose this type of man. I am NOT "beating you up". There is NEVER an excuse for an adult to raise their hand/beat down their partner. You will be better off when you gain some insight into your choices so as not to keep making those same choices.

Instead of us in society asking the question, "Why does she stay with him" we REALLY need to start asking the question, "Why does he treat her that way?" There are MANY MANY men who hide their abusive personality until the woman is well-committed to him and then BAM she is stuck with no way out.

Tink, darlin', seek out these organizations - they are there to help. They understand what you are going through. They don't judge. They help.

One thing that I want everyone who is reading this thread to know is that in such relationships it is MOST DANGEROUS WHEN SHE TRIES TO LEAVE. There are people who will help you, Tink.

 

[Sub-Zero]

Why on earth are you dating these type of guys???? Grab your daughter and go, he tries to stop you dial 911.

r

lol

 

[Bikini Mod]

lol

I guess you missed the part of my post where it says that MANY MEN are able to hide their abusive nature until the woman is committed to him.

I know of more than one woman who took the beating of a lifetime on their wedding nights from a man who was always sweet to her before that night.

^^^Not always the case, but it does happen that extremely. These guys often hide how controlling and nasty they can be until she commmits. And then they start verbally and emotionally beating her down a little at a time. They isolate her from her friends and family. They control HER money. The next thing you know, she has NO ONE LEFT and feels so low that she thinks it is all her fault and that if she could *just do this* or *just stop doing that* then he will be like he was in the beginning.

I don't know of ANY MEN that punch a woman square in the jaw on their first date. But I do know of MANY that kill their wives/gf's after they've been together *X* amount of time.

The statistics are scary indeed.

 

[Razorguns]

I don't know how often i will be able to get on here, as he will FREAK out!!!

So? Let him FREAK out, who gives a fuck. How old are you again? BM how about putting some female empowerment into her huh?

If he beats you and you stay and use the 'i love him i'm the victim poor me' syndrome - don't expect much sympathy from the peanut gallery. What are we supposed to say? Go buy a book on amazon and read it, lol!

Instead of leaving, say you leave then continue to talk to abusive ex-bf, perhaps meet him sometimes, think he's "changed", go back and then 2 months later back to square one ... You can get all the sympathy from all the other hens in the house -- but us guys really dont' care. You're not 14. No guy should ever hit a woman -- unless the woman is okay with it and does nothing. You clearly have a long history of crappy abusive bfs. Somehow I don't think this will change UNLESS YOU CHANGE.

r

 

[Bikini Mod]

So what if he freaks out? Dude, think on that a minute... Lotta women end up DEAD when "he freaks out."

She needs HELP, not the internet to beat her down.

RIGHT NOW is NOT the time for *tough love*. RIGHT NOW SHE NEEDS ASSISTANCE TO SAFELY ESCAPE.

I gave her a very helpfull link to an organization that WILL HELP HER LEAVE HIM. She WANTS to leave, did ya'll not read that part?

She did not MAKE this guy abuse her. He did that all by himself. Instead of "verbally" beating down a woman who has already been beaten down, how bout we answer her plea for help with: HELP.

 

[Razorguns]

So what if he freaks out? Dude, think on that a minute... Lotta women end up DEAD when "he freaks out."P.

Restraining Order > Support Organization.

You leave, he contacts you, ignore him, he threatens you, you dial 911 and get a restraining order. ALL the resources are out there to PROTECT YOU. There's a time for hugs and support, and there's a time for big guys with guns, batons and scary dogs. Which time do you think this is?

If you want to go get "emotional support" instead of "physical support" then go ahead.

Is this what you want to hear? "I'm so sorry. Hang in there sweetie. It will be okay. You will get through this. I know you will. You be strong. Here go talk to these people who'll say the same thing. Poor child". Okay, there you go. Everyone's happy in the world!

r

 

[Grumpy Old Man]

Why on earth are you dating these type of guys???? Grab your daughter and go, he tries to stop you dial 911.

r

R, think about this. Picture yourself a 9 yr old child, you have something a 17 yr old wants and you don't want to let it go. You know this 17 yr old has kicked other 9 yr olds asses. So you hold on to this "something" and promptly get your ass kicked.

Now you dumbass when you don't know anything about an issue where a woman and childs life is at stake shut the fuck up.

You tyically don't know shit about shit but you tend to be amusing occassionally.

This issue is a very dangerous and complex one. 3 women have died from a spouse since this thread was started. So please keep your worthless opinions to your fucking self when it comes to women and abuse.

So once again shut the fuck up and stay on the topic of games and other stupid shit you might know about.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Restraining Order > Organization.

Does this organization have guns, military vets, police dogs, handcuffs, mace, etc. to PROTECT her??

Life and Death situation you want her to go attend meetings. Then what happens??? Magically he disappears?

You leave, he contacts you, ignore him, he threatens you, you dial 911 and get a restraining order. ALL the resources are out there to PROTECT YOU.

If you want to go get "emotional support" instead of "physical support" then go ahead. Shows your priorities.

Is this what you want to hear? "I'm so sorry. Hang in there sweetie. It will be okay. You will get through this. I know you will. You be strong. Here go talk to these people who'll say the same thing. Poor child".

There you go. Everyone's happy in the world!

r

I know you mean well but this above post shows how little you really know.

THEY GET KILLED WHEN THEY DIAL 911. The night my ex beat me was the night I tried to reach for the phone. As for restraining orders and protective orders, yea well, they are pieces of paper that don't mean shit once he slits your throat or chokes you to death.

THE ORGANIZATION I PROVIDED THE LINK TO WILL GIVE HER AND HER CHILD A SECRET SAFE PLACE TO LIVE WHILE SHE IS GETTING COUNSELING AND WHATEVER ELSE SHE AND HER CHILD NEED IN ORDER FOR HER TO GET BACK ON HER FEET - FOOD, SHELTER, EDUCATIONAL ASSISTANCE, CLOTHING, REAL WORLD WORK SKILLS, ETC. ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THEY NEED TO GET ON WITH THEIR LIVES.

Instead of verbally beating up on a woman who is begging for help from total strangers on the internet, please go here:

The Family Place

... and get educated so that you can give HELPFULL advice. You may just save someone's life someday.

 

[Razorguns]

R, think about this. Picture yourself a 9 yr old child, you have something a 17 yr old wants and you don't want to let it go. You know this 17 yr old has kicked other 9 yr olds asses. So you hold on to this "something" and promptly get your ass kicked.

Now you dumbass when you don't know anything about an issue where a woman and childs life is at stake shut the fuck up.

You tyically don't know shit about shit but you tend to be amusing occassionally.

This issue is a very dangerous and complex one. 3 women have died from a spouse since this thread was started. So please keep your worthless opinions to your fucking self when it comes to women and abuse.

So once again shut the fuck up and stay on the topic of games and other stupid shit you might know about.

9

1

1

r

 

[Bikini Mod]

9

1

1

r

MY EX BEAT ME THE NIGHT I WENT TO REACH FOR THE PHONE. HE BEAT ME AND CHOKED ME OUT.

Please stop.

If you have nothing helpfull to tell this woman and other women like her, then please just say nothing.

 

[Grumpy Old Man]

9

1

1

r

Listen you dumbass, from the time she pickes up the phone she will probably be beat again or dead. The incidence of death of women is when they attempt to leave. Pick up the phone, it gets grabbed from her hand and she is dead in 25 minutes. As I said before shut the fuck up about things you have no clue about. Or read this article. Then shut the fuck up.

Domestic violence is on the rise. This article will look at the causes and conditions surrounding spousal abuse and the dangers involved with the choices of leaving or staying in the relationship.

Abuse is about control. And many women will choose to stay in the relationship because they are afraid of what would happen to them if they left. Beside the fear of being out on their own, most women believe that the abusive spouse doesn't mean it, and if they love the abuser enough, they will be happy and stop hurting them.


The fact is that abuse very seldom stops. Counseling abusive men only works if the abuser is willing to admit that they are the ones who are wrong, truly want to change-not to get back the spouse that they've lost, but for themselves-and have usually lost the relationship they are in. Most of the time, however, this doesn't happen. The abuser either stalks the spouse who left and either ends up killing them or at best moving on to another victim.

Before I go any farther-there is a rise in reported abuse by the woman in the relationship. There is an average of women who are the abusers, but this has gone largely unreported by the men being abused. From now on in this article, I will use the term ''abuser" and it will mean either make or female.

Domestic abuse accounts for over 50% of all calls to 911. That's half of all calls handled by police. Typically the police would go to the home and talk everyone down, leave, and then be called back up to several times on the same night. This changed when laws dictated that at least one of the couple be arrested on the first call. Why do people stay involved with angry, ignorant, abusive people? Typically it has to do with the self esteem of the one being abused as much as the abuser. If you are in an abusive relationship and are afraid to leave, please, seek some kind of help. Call the abuse hotline and get the help and courage you need to leave.

One of the biggest reasons for staying in an abusive relationship is that the abuser has told you that they will kill you if you leave. Unfortunately, this appears to be all too true. The most dangerous time for and abused person is three to six months after they have left the relationship, so please do not try to do this alone. There are good women's shelters (unfortunately, they are usually for women) with counselors who can keep you safe and help you every step of the way, from an emergency safe house to helping you get a place for you and your children to live to getting you the education you need to stand on your own.

The hardest part is sometimes deciding what enough is. Leave at the first sign of abuse, not the second or third. It has been absolutely proven that domestic abuse does not stop after the first time, it only escalates.

 

[Razorguns]

Listen you dumbass, from the time she pickes up the phone she will probably be beat again or dead. The incidence of death of women is when they attempt to leave. Pick up the phone, it gets grabbed from her hand and she is dead in 25 minutes. As I said before shut the fuck up about things you have no clue about. Or read this article. Then shut the fuck up.

Domestic violence is on the rise. This article will look at the causes and conditions surrounding spousal abuse and the dangers involved with the choices of leaving or staying in the relationship.

Abuse is about control. And many women will choose to stay in the relationship because they are afraid of what would happen to them if they left. Beside the fear of being out on their own, most women believe that the abusive spouse doesn't mean it, and if they love the abuser enough, they will be happy and stop hurting them.


The fact is that abuse very seldom stops. Counseling abusive men only works if the abuser is willing to admit that they are the ones who are wrong, truly want to change-not to get back the spouse that they've lost, but for themselves-and have usually lost the relationship they are in. Most of the time, however, this doesn't happen. The abuser either stalks the spouse who left and either ends up killing them or at best moving on to another victim.

Before I go any farther-there is a rise in reported abuse by the woman in the relationship. There is an average of women who are the abusers, but this has gone largely unreported by the men being abused. From now on in this article, I will use the term ''abuser" and it will mean either make or female.

Domestic abuse accounts for over 50% of all calls to 911. That's half of all calls handled by police. Typically the police would go to the home and talk everyone down, leave, and then be called back up to several times on the same night. This changed when laws dictated that at least one of the couple be arrested on the first call. Why do people stay involved with angry, ignorant, abusive people? Typically it has to do with the self esteem of the one being abused as much as the abuser. If you are in an abusive relationship and are afraid to leave, please, seek some kind of help. Call the abuse hotline and get the help and courage you need to leave.

One of the biggest reasons for staying in an abusive relationship is that the abuser has told you that they will kill you if you leave. Unfortunately, this appears to be all too true. The most dangerous time for and abused person is three to six months after they have left the relationship, so please do not try to do this alone. There are good women's shelters (unfortunately, they are usually for women) with counselors who can keep you safe and help you every step of the way, from an emergency safe house to helping you get a place for you and your children to live to getting you the education you need to stand on your own.

The hardest part is sometimes deciding what enough is. Leave at the first sign of abuse, not the second or third. It has been absolutely proven that domestic abuse does not stop after the first time, it only escalates.

What part of 911 the FIRST time he lays a hand on a woman are you having problems understanding? Then you LEAVE and get a restraining order.

I got shit to do today. If you can't understand 911, i'm sorry it's not my job to educate you. I thought you two were business owners - why are you two so dumb sometimes about such simple things?

(btw: stop writing essays! I told you both I never read more than 1 sentence of your posts.)

r

 

[Bikini Mod]

What part of 911 the FIRST time he lays a hand on a woman are you having problems understanding? Then you LEAVE and get a restraining order.

I got shit to do today. If you can't understand 911, i'm sorry it's not my job to educate you. I thought you two were business owners - why are you two so dumb sometimes about such simple things?

(btw: stop writing essays! I told you both I never read more than 1 sentence of your posts.)

r

Since you missed it the first time:

MY EX BEAT ME THE NIGHT I WENT TO REACH FOR THE PHONE. HE BEAT ME AND CHOKED ME OUT.

Please stop.

If you have nothing helpfull to tell this woman and other women like her, then please just say nothing.

This is, what, the 3rd or 4th time now I have asked you NICELY to please stop.

 

[Grumpy Old Man]

What part of 911 the FIRST time he lays a hand on a woman are you having problems understanding? Then you LEAVE and get a restraining order.

I got shit to do today. If you can't understand 911, i'm sorry it's not my job to educate you. I thought you two were business owners - why are you two so dumb sometimes about such simple things?

r

You have to be the biggest asshole on the planet. What part of he will kill her if she tries to leave doidn't you understand you ass?

A restraining order is a piece of paper, how do you suggest she use that 8 1/2 X 11 piece of paper to keep his fists off of her and her child? It takes an average of 15 minutes for a call to be answered, she will be dead in less than 5. Now as I said shut the fuck up about this you retarded asswipe.

 

[Razorguns]

You have to be the biggest asshole on the planet. What part of he will kill her if she tries to leave doidn't you understand you ass?

A restraining order is a piece of paper, how do you suggest she use that 8 1/2 X 11 piece of paper to keep his fists off of her and her child? It takes an average of 15 minutes for a call to be answered, she will be dead in less than 5. Now as I said shut the fuck up about this you retarded asswipe.

911 FTW.

r

 

[Bikini Mod]

911 FTW.

r

Nomarriage.com is just as helpfull.

It's people like you that are nearly as big a part of this problem as are the abusers themselves.

It's a GOOD THING that you "don't understand" the phenomenon, means that you have lived WITHOUT this nightmare in your life. However, it's people like you with their "blame the victim" mentality that PROLIFERATES it and actually helps the ABUSER.

Please educate yourself so that you can be part of the solution, as opposed to part of the problem.

 

[fortunatesun]

R, think about this. Picture yourself a 9 yr old child, you have something a 17 yr old wants and you don't want to let it go. You know this 17 yr old has kicked other 9 yr olds asses. So you hold on to this "something" and promptly get your ass kicked.

Now you dumbass when you don't know anything about an issue where a woman and childs life is at stake shut the fuck up.

You tyically don't know shit about shit but you tend to be amusing occassionally.

This issue is a very dangerous and complex one. 3 women have died from a spouse since this thread was started. So please keep your worthless opinions to your fucking self when it comes to women and abuse.

So once again shut the fuck up and stay on the topic of games and other stupid shit you might know about.

I agree this issue can be very complex, much more than an outsider first realizes.

Still, removing yourselves from an environment where physical harm is the inevitable result has to be the best option. BM's idea is best. Even if you can't make the commitment to leave, establishing link a link to the outside world is a big first step. This at least lets you see where you stand and provides a safety net in case you need unexpected help.

 

[Grumpy Old Man]

911 FTW.

r

Apparently you are as stupid as I thought.

Lemme break this down to your dumbass.

You have three men break into your house, they are standing in front of you with guns, they said don't move or they will shoot your stupid ignorant ass. You say, ok, hold on I am going to call 9-1-1 be right back bros Get the picture? No I doubt you do still.

FTW you asstard!

 

[Razorguns]

Apparently you are as stupid as I thought.

Lemme break this down to your dumbass.

You have three men break into your house, they are standing in front of you with guns, they said don't move or they will shoot your stupid ignorant ass. You say, ok, hold on I am going to call 9-1-1 be right back bros Get the picture? No I doubt you do still.

FTW you asstard!

Yes I call 911 if those guys were there the night before and slapped me.

911 FTW!

I'm off with my XDCAM, P2 Cards and 4x4 Filter Gels to a music video shoot now....later MY PRISON BITCH!

r

 

[Grumpy Old Man]

Yes I call 911 if those guys were there the night before and slapped me.

911 FTW!

I'm off with my XDCAM, P2 Cards and 4x4 Filter Gels to a music video shoot now....later MY PRISON BITCH!

r

You are a dumbass

 

[Bikini Mod]

I agree this issue can be very complex, much more than an outsider first realizes.

Still, removing yourselves from an environment where physical harm is the inevitable result has to be the best option. BM's idea is best. Even if you can't make the commitment to leave, establishing link a link to the outside world is a big first step. This at least lets you see where you stand and provides a safety net in case you need unexpected help.

She WANTS to leave. That is excellent to hear. She knows she HAS TO, however, all the people who don't realize the hows and whys should not verbally berate her. THAT WONT HELP - IT ADDS TO HER SENSE OF SHAME AND HUMILIATION... EVEN THOUGH SHE ISN'T THE ONE WHO DID ANYTHING WRONG.

How bout all of us take a deep breath and focus our anger on the abuser, where it belongs? Let's change our attitude and support the victim instead of blaming her.

All the e-big and bad MEN who think that dialing 911 is going to help... you have NO CLUE.

This woman is already terrified that her ex will take custody of her child and her current bf takes her pay. When she does leave, she knows damned well that she will leave with NOTHING. She feels TRAPPED.

I PM'd her with specific information to an organization that will help her, that is IF there is a chapter that is local to her.

Do ya'll realize how much money is required to house/clothe/feed just ONE WOMAN and HER CHILD for 30 days?! She has 30 days to totally revamp her life. THIRTY...

Let's all of us take a deep breath and get angry at the one who deserves the blame - THE ABUSER. Let's motivate ourselves to get educated and try to be part of the solution - not part of the problem.

A lot of bad things happen when good people stand by and do NOTHING.

 

[Bikini Mod]

A statistic that blew my mind when I heard it (and I thought I was fairly educated about the topic of domestic violence/abuse):

It takes a woman on average of 7 attempts to FINALLY leave her abuser.

We really need to stop this "blame the victim" mentality and educate ourselves so that we can help, not harm. As I said before, a lot of really bad things happen when good people stand by and do nothing.

 

[Stefka]

911 FTW.

r

For someone who is constantly ranting about the ineptitude of government agencies and officials, you certainly have a lot of faith in 911.

 

[Grumpy Old Man]

For someone who is constantly ranting about the ineptitude of government agencies and officials, you certainly have a lot of faith in 911.

No kidding, since I made the first post 14 women have been killed by their spouses, most while they were trying to leave this Sunday morning or while they were out shopping and their ex found them and wanted them to come back.

Some with restraining orders some that ran away and made the mistake of calling a friend to chat and tell them they are ok. The friend told the ex, the ex found them and in one case today a child was killed during the dispute.

So much for paper and phones.

 

[Bikini Mod]

For someone who is constantly ranting about the ineptitude of government agencies and officials, you certainly have a lot of faith in 911.

Part of the orientation we went through as perspective volunteers for The Family Place was to watch a short video about three different domestic violence situations. The first was an actual recording of a 911 call made from Highland Park, Texas, one of THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS AND AFFLUENT AREAS IN ALL OF TEXAS. It sent shivers down all of our spines. The call came from a woman who had been married for 17 years to a very powerful attorney. He threatened that if she EVER tried to leave him he would take her children. So she stayed... they didn't get into what finally made her summon up the courage to dial 911 but she was one of the lucky ones as the police got there relatively quickly. Nor was there information available as to what happened with her situation - meaning if she and her children actually were able to get out alive, together and able to rebuild their lives after the fact.

Most of these men don't stop EVER.

So you leave and move to another town, get another job and find a new place to live, how hard do ya'll think it is for the bastard to track her down? What about custody? You think that those men are automatically stripped of THEIR rights to the kids? Did ya'll know that it is actually COMMON for a woman to lose custody of her kids TO HER ABUSER?

It's a nightmare of epic proportions and unless one has been through it, they never really understand. That is why I take every opportunity I can to try and raise public awareness about the issue as I do believe it affects us all in some way, shape or form.

 

[jackangel]

It's an awesome sight to see razorgunt act like a complete ass. Sometimes, we forget.

 

[stilleto]

Hi tink. nice to see you here again, even if it is because of your bad situation.

Razorguns... believe it or not, i agree with bmom. i know two women very well (my neighbor, and my son's gf's mom) who almost got killed when they tried to leave their husband. both of them went to a battered women's shelter one day because they knew if they left, it would have to be secretive. They both left with whatever they could pack in the car, then went to court to be allowed back in the house (with police escort) to get the rest of their things. Do you think either of these mothers, who drove nice cars, wore nice clothes, and took care of their homes wanted to leave that way? they didn't. but they knew they had to.

Tink, make some phone calls, or walk into your local police station and ask for help. they know about the women's shelters and resources, or at the very least, will escort you to take your things and leave. can you go to your parents place? good luck.

 

[puddlemonkey]

He use to be mister wonderful, but after 3 years that has all gone down the toilet.

Interesting, so nothings changed in a year and a half when you made this post complaining about him not treating you well?


http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/chat-conversation/im-bbbaaaaccckkkk-581069.html#post7901193


The cycle continues because you let it. Sorry to be so blunt.

 

[KillahBee]

Interesting, so nothings changed in a year and a half when you made this post complaining about him not treating you well?


http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/chat-conversation/im-bbbaaaaccckkkk-581069.html#post7901193


The cycle continues because you let it. Sorry to be so blunt.

100% agreed. This isn't to take away from the fact that you and every other woman like you deserves better and will hopefully one day choose to better themselves and their lives. But, yeah, you have choices and free will and this crazy thing that BikiniMom always seems to forget women have - responsibility.

My guess is that you were molested/assaulted/beaten as a child, as many of these patterns suggest (read about it). And that's all you know of love. So you chase it. Then it gets bad and you retreat, then you chase it again. You may not know it, but you definitely have the blinders on (BM - that 'responsibility' thing comes into play here. WAAAAY to easy for an adult to use the cop out that these men never showed signs of this behavior. These women just choose not to see them or look for them IN MOST CASES).

Once you find a safe place to reside, I strongly suggest you speak with a professional to get to the root of why you CHOOSE to put yourself in these situations. Hoping you can find the strength to DECIDE to change your patterns and get into some healthy relationships.

 

[fortunatesun]

100% agreed. This isn't to take away from the fact that you and every other woman like you deserves better and will hopefully one day choose to better themselves and their lives. But, yeah, you have choices and free will and this crazy thing that BikiniMom always seems to forget women have - responsibility.

My guess is that you were molested/assaulted/beaten as a child, as many of these patterns suggest (read about it). And that's all you know of love. So you chase it. Then it gets bad and you retreat, then you chase it again. You may not know it, but you definitely have the blinders on (BM - that 'responsibility' thing comes into play here. WAAAAY to easy for an adult to use the cop out that these men never showed signs of this behavior. These women just choose not to see them or look for them IN MOST CASES).

Once you find a safe place to reside, I strongly suggest you speak with a professional to get to the root of why you CHOOSE to put yourself in these situations. Hoping you can find the strength to DECIDE to change your patterns and get into some healthy relationships.

I can agree with paragraphs 2 & 3 but I'm not sure assigning responsibility is the right choice.

To me, and I don't know that there's any experts out there that would support my way of thinking, these people repeat their mistakes not out of choice but because there's something in their psychological makeup that renders then helpless. Exactly the same as a gambling junkie is incapable of exercising self-control. To say that she's irresponsible doesn't really address the underlying cause of the problem, which could easily be clinical depression or a number of other random causes as much as anything else.

So I think your'e right about what needs to be done. I just think finger pointing is this situation is useless.

 

[ortiz34]

You have no help?

 

[stilleto]

kb is right too... you need to find out what makes you choose (and stay with) the wrong men.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Ok you want to talk responsibility?

IT WAS THE WAY THAT I WAS RAISED. I WAS TOLD THAT JEALOUSY IS PART OF LOVE AND THAT THE LITMUS TEST FOR A MAN *REALLY* LOVING YOU IS IF HE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE EVERY LIVING BREATHING MOMENT. Oh yea, and if he beats you and calls you dirty whore it is usually YOUR FAULT.

Spare me "the responsiblity" talk. I can blame my parents and my culture all I want, where will that get me?

Does anyone know where the expression "rule of thumb" came from?

Look it up and get back to me.

In my culture there is an expression. It states that "a man should count his money and beat his wife". So now who is to blame for all of the domestic abuse present in MY CULTURE?!

Stop blaming the victim people.

Yes, these women need counseling, but that won't get them safely away from their abusers TODAY.

How bout instead of asking why she stays we ask instead WHY HE IS BEATING HER.

I WILL REPEAT - I KNOW OF MANY INSTANCES WHERE THE MAN WAS AS SWEET AS PIE UNTIL THE WEDDING NIGHT. The dress came off and she was beaten to a pulp because "she made him mad." Now go ahead and leave....

My mother tried to leave my father before she became pregnant with my brother. You know what her aunt told her when she came to her begging for help? "Go back home to your husband and don't you dare bring shame onto this family. There are no divorced whores in our family." You think that still doesn't happen today?

TO THIS DAY MY PARENTS BLAME ME FOR LEAVING MY HUSBAND.

"COME ON, HE ONLY BEAT YOU ONCE. HOW BAD COULD IT HAVE BEEN?" "SURELY YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM MAD. DON'T YOU THINK HE IS SORRY?" and on and on and on. My sister is the only one who stood by me and after 6 years of my ex's abuse involving her family as well - she finally left the United States.

Domestic violence is NOT about anger management. It is about control. Once that man lets loose the words, "Either you stay or I kill you." There is NOTHING he will do to destroy that woman if she runs... nothing. He will take EVERYTHING FROM HER... And he will hunt her down and destroy the lives of anyone and everyone who tries to help.

Abusive pieces of crap like that don't stop.

These women need help. They need support. They need counseling too. But *tough love* is not where it starts when a woman begs for help from total strangers on the internet.

 

[Grumpy Old Man]

kb is right too... you need to find out what makes you choose (and stay with) the wrong men.

Fear.

Once again I will post this, a choice the woman makes is like choosing a couple prolific posters here, they both degrade women. But when the answer is why does the man choose to hit and abuse a woman. When all these big guys ask that question everyone will be better off. Think of a small child looking up to a 6'6" adult. The same thing with a woman, they have no other options, homeless, made fun of, blamed just like here and all the talk about her "Choices" well, let's see, homeless penniless and on the street... A typical woman tries to leave 7 times before she either is dead or finally gets out.

So before posting your thoughts without any experience except you are big and strong read the following if you can take 2 minutes before hitting your keyboard again. Since I went for a ride today there have been 11 women killed by an abusive ex and this time there were more than one child killed as well. How many does that make today? So they had a choice to leave and they had a chance to make better choices. Now that point is moot.

Domestic violence is on the rise. This article will look at the causes and conditions surrounding spousal abuse and the dangers involved with the choices of leaving or staying in the relationship.

Abuse is about control. And many women will choose to stay in the relationship because they are afraid of what would happen to them if they left. Beside the fear of being out on their own, most women believe that the abusive spouse doesn't mean it, and if they love the abuser enough, they will be happy and stop hurting them.


The fact is that abuse very seldom stops. Counseling abusive men only works if the abuser is willing to admit that they are the ones who are wrong, truly want to change-not to get back the spouse that they've lost, but for themselves-and have usually lost the relationship they are in. Most of the time, however, this doesn't happen. The abuser either stalks the spouse who left and either ends up killing them or at best moving on to another victim.

Before I go any farther-there is a rise in reported abuse by the woman in the relationship. There is an average of women who are the abusers, but this has gone largely unreported by the men being abused. From now on in this article, I will use the term ''abuser" and it will mean either make or female.

Domestic abuse accounts for over 50% of all calls to 911. That's half of all calls handled by police. Typically the police would go to the home and talk everyone down, leave, and then be called back up to several times on the same night. This changed when laws dictated that at least one of the couple be arrested on the first call. Why do people stay involved with angry, ignorant, abusive people? Typically it has to do with the self esteem of the one being abused as much as the abuser. If you are in an abusive relationship and are afraid to leave, please, seek some kind of help. Call the abuse hotline and get the help and courage you need to leave.

One of the biggest reasons for staying in an abusive relationship is that the abuser has told you that they will kill you if you leave. Unfortunately, this appears to be all too true. The most dangerous time for and abused person is three to six months after they have left the relationship, so please do not try to do this alone. There are good women's shelters (unfortunately, they are usually for women) with counselors who can keep you safe and help you every step of the way, from an emergency safe house to helping you get a place for you and your children to live to getting you the education you need to stand on your own.

The hardest part is sometimes deciding what enough is. Leave at the first sign of abuse, not the second or third. It has been absolutely proven that domestic abuse does not stop after the first time, it only escalates.

 

[puddlemonkey]

Before I go any farther-there is a rise in reported abuse by the woman in the relationship. There is an average of women who are the abusers, but this has gone largely unreported by the men being abused. From now on in this article, I will use the term ''abuser" and it will mean either make or female.

Awhile back I tried to get your wife to do this, so she doesn't come across as sexist.

Clearly she has forgotten, maybe a good beating will help her remember? (I know, bad joke)

 

[puddlemonkey]

But seriously, it goes both ways.

 

[Sub-Zero]

how can i use fear to get a GF

 

[Bikini Mod]

Awhile back I tried to get your wife to do this, so she doesn't come across as sexist.

Clearly she has forgotten, maybe a good beating will help her remember? (I know, bad joke)

I don't have the exact statistics as to male/female ratio here with me. I left them at the office. But the numbers of women who physically abuse their men is very low. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen, because it does. I actually knew of a fella who worked for me and my exhusband as an electrician years ago. He was a big guy but his wife was no small drink either. Regardless this woman would beat the piss out of her husband, sent him to the hospital once while he was working for us. We are talking, an eye swollen closed and he urinated blood for a few days. Even though he made more money than she did, the law sided with her regarding their kids. So he kept going back because she wouldn't let him be in their kids' life if he left her.

It is all about control with these people.

And yes, in gay relationships there are men that are abused by their partners.

The over-whelming majority though are WOMEN.

And The Family Place also helps men escape from abusive relationships. There is no sexism. They help EVERYONE who comes seeking help.

On another note there is something I want everyone to think about when asking the question about why the person who is being abused stays.

1. Is it illegal for the victim to go to their home and live there?

2. Is it illegal for the abuser to hit their partner?

So then, why is it that we expect THE VICTIM to *just up and leave* their entire lives behind one day because THE ABUSER won't stop hitting/emotionally/verbally abusing them?

 

[puddlemonkey]

how can i use fear to get a GF

The question is why would you want a g/f?

 

[Bikini Mod]

how can i use fear to get a GF

No one punches their girl in the jaw on the first date.

Fear is not how "they get" their gf's. Fear is how they KEEP them.

 

[Bikini Mod]

And Monkey even though I know you were kidding, I have been beaten within an inch of my life on more than one occasion, almost always by those who I was supposed to be able to trust and who were supposed to love me very much. Only once was it a total stranger in a nightclub.

Trust me when I tell you that you only need to be beaten like that ONCE to know you don't want to ever be beaten like that again. And I don't find ANY humor in joking about it.

 

[puddlemonkey]

And Monkey even though I know you were kidding

Only about the second part, GOM beating you. Serious about the first as I will explain...

 

[Bikini Mod]

Anytime an adult raises their hand to another adult, verbally berates them, calls them hurtfull names, makes them feel like they are less than human - it's abusive. I don't care who is doing it to whomever, be they both female, both male or male towards female, female towards male.

IT IS WRONG AND SOCIETY NEEDS TO STOP TOLERATING IT.

 

[puddlemonkey]

I don't have the exact statistics as to male/female ratio here with me. I left them at the office. But the numbers of women who physically abuse their men is very low.

Those numbers mean nothing!!!


Why? Because a very low percentage of men report abuse from a woman. I've been abused by a woman, an ex g/f kicked me so hard in the shin it left a bruise the size of a baseball. It hurt for over a week. I have never hit a woman. My mother has hit my father, my father has never struck my mother, both of my parents will openly admit this. Those male/female abuse numbers are too skewed to mean shit.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Those numbers mean nothing!!!


Why? Because a very low percentage of men report abuse from a woman. I've been abused by a woman, an ex g/f kicked me so hard in the shin it left a bruise the size of a baseball. It hurt for over a week. I have never hit a woman. My mother has hit my father, my father has never struck my mother, both of my parents will openly admit this. Those male/female abuse numbers are too skewed to mean shit.

Statistics are only as accurate as the people are willing to come forward, that is true.

Bottom line is - IT IS WRONG REGARDLESS OF WHO IS DOING IT.

If there are children involved A LOT of men will stay and take the abuse so they can be part of their kids lives.

The Family Place helps EVERYONE escape, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation, or even if they have substance abuse/alcohol abuse problems.

Did ya'll know that MOST SHELTERS will turn folks away if they have problems with substance/alcohol abuse?

 

[puddlemonkey]

Statistics are only as accurate as the people are willing to come forward, that is true.

Bottom line is - IT IS WRONG REGARDLESS OF WHO IS DOING IT.

If there are children involved A LOT of men will stay and take the abuse so they can be part of their kids lives.

The Family Place helps EVERYONE escape, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation, or even if they have substance abuse/alcohol abuse problems.

Did ya'll know that MOST SHELTERS will turn folks away if they have problems with substance/alcohol abuse?

I'm only telling you this to help you. I don't have a dog in this fight. You're pushing for public awareness with your own personal case and others around you. I think you'll be able to reach a lot more people if you didn't come across as a sexist lunatic. Not saying you are, but you do get extremely worked up over things you're deeply passionate about. I think if you were to choose your words a little more wisely and put a governor on all that passion of yours you'll find a lot more people are willing to listen.

 

[puddlemonkey]

oh, and for those not mechanically inclined...

governor:

4. a contrivance applied to steam engines, water wheels, and other machinery, to maintain nearly uniform speed when the resistances and motive force are variable.

 

[jackangel]

I don't know where puddlemonkey got all this crazy talk from.

 

[Bikini Mod]

I'm only telling you this to help you. I don't have a dog in this fight. You're pushing for public awareness with your own personal case and others around you. I think you'll be able to reach a lot more people if you didn't come across as a sexist lunatic. Not saying you are, but you do get extremely worked up over things you're deeply passionate about. I think if you were to choose your words a little more wisely and put a governor on all that passion of yours you'll find a lot more people are willing to listen.

Sexist lunatic?

And what does my husband sound like?

I appreciate what you are saying. Thanks for your help.

Bottom line is abuse is wrong no matter who is doing it. I've said that a thousand times.

Am I a lunatic? Yes, I am. When it comes to people beating those they are supposed to love to death, often times in front of their kids then yea, I tend to get a bit worked up over it.

 

[puddlemonkey]

*sigh*

 

[chris302001]

lotta bold caps in here....just sayin

 

[puddlemonkey]

Sexist lunatic?

And what does my husband sound like?

According to those that have spoke to him he sounds like one of those squeaky dog toys.

 

[Bikini Mod]

lotta bold caps in here....just sayin

Ya'll are right. People being murdered by those that claim to love and care about them is nothing to get worked up about.

Point well taken.

No one has told me yet the origins of the expression "rule of thumb."

Ya, it's relevant to the topic at hand.

Or we can all just put our heads in the sand and pretend that this isn't happening. Hey, let's make jokes about it. That will certainly change things for the better.

Yea, let's do that.

 

[puddlemonkey]

Ya'll are right. People being murdered by those that claim to love and care about them is nothing to get worked up about.

Point well taken.

You know damn well my reply was directed at your quest to get your kids back, I even said that. Now you're just twisting words.

 

[jackangel]

You know damn well my reply was directed at your quest to get your kids back, I even said that. Now you're just twisting words.

pwnedmonkey.

 

[Bikini Mod]

You know damn well my reply was directed at your quest to get your kids back, I even said that. Now you're just twisting words.

No actually I don't know anything damned well. So perhaps you should rethink your comments.

If you only knew how far from the mark you are about everything about this topic. Why don't you give my husband a buzz one of these days so he can break it down for you?

There is NOTHING I can do legally to get my children back even though I've NEVER done a damned thing to lose them. NOTHING. Do you find that unsettling? YOU SHOULD. If you don't then you are not human. It is also QUITE COMMON for women in abusive situations to actually lose custody to their abusers. Sorry, but just because YOU FIND THAT FACT UNSETTLING DOES NOT MEAN THAT I WILL STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. I used to think I was the only one. The shame, the humiliation - you can't BEGIN to fathom it. All on top of the fact that your children are literally ripped from you and then to make it even worse, they are given to an abuser!

When a man loses custody the world rallies around him and says, "Wow, that evil bitch screwed you good." Whether he did anything to warrant the action or not. When a woman loses custody MOST PEOPLE AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THAT SHE DID SOMETHING PRETTY DISPICABLE TO MAKE THE COURTS TAKE HER CHILDREN BECAUSE "EVERYBODY KNOWS" THAT NOT EVEN CRACKWHORES LOSE CUSTODY OF THEIR KIDS.

Regardless of whether a good father is robbed of the ability to parent (as my husband was eight times over) or a good mother is robbed of the ability to parent (as I have been 6 times over - 2 of my husband's children are about my age) the bottom line is THE CHILDREN ALWAYS GET SCREWED - EVERY SINGLE TIME, EH?

^^^These are all facts, not feelings that I have. THEY ARE FACTS. I didn't make them real; people like my exhusband did.

Please spare me the whole "sexist" rhetoric bullshit. It gets tired after awhile.

All I can do is file parental alienation suits and suits against the entire state of NJ for giving my children TO their abuser. That will only net me money. Four innocent children are collateral damage because nodamnedbody gave a shit about doing right by them when an insane judge began the path to their destruction, all because of my maliciously litigious abusive exhusband. I did nothing wrong. My family did nothing wrong and there isn't a DAMNED THING we could have done any differently. And as hard as my husband has fought to fix a nightmare that was not of his making, HE CANT.

Yea, Tink ^^^ Are you listening? That is another thing that abusive partners do when they don't succeed in physically killing their partners for leaving ^^^ they take the children.

PM - you have said I sound like a sexist lunatic. Interestingly enough, on this thread I've said nothing crazy and nothing sexist (nor do I recall making comments that could be construed as such anyplace else IRL or on the web) so I am still trying to understand that assessment. If your presence on this thread isn't to help a victim of abuse to leave their situation then why are you here? I have a husband who has stood by me night and day for nearly 3 years so you don't have to worry about me. If something I say is irritating to you then just scroll by and don't read it for you should be safe in the knowledge that NOTHING I say is meant to PERSONALLY OFFEND YOU. If you aren't here to help this woman then please just scroll by.

If ANYONE isn't posting here to help or gain understanding, then why exactly are you in here? Are there not plenty of other threads that are far more amusing and far less unsettling?

 

[puddlemonkey]

If you only knew how far from the mark you are about everything about this topic. Why don't you give my husband a buzz one of these days so he can break it down for you?

I'd love to talk to GOM. Not for this, but because I find old people amusing.

There is NOTHING I can do legally to get my children back even though I've NEVER done a damned thing to lose them. NOTHING.

Whoa! Easy tiger! Sorry. I could have swore you were talking before about your kids or at least one of them possibly coming to Texas or you going to get them. Granted I only read about 5% of what you write because the post is either, A: too long for my attention span, or B: YOU START USING SO MANY CAPS I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING YELLED AT, OR THE BOLD WHICH MAKES IT SOUND LIKE YOU'RE NOT ONLY YELLING BUT REALLY PISSED OFF!!!

Do you find that unsettling? YOU SHOULD. If you don't then you are not human.

Actually I don't. But before you freak out let me explain. I'm one of those weird individuals that likes to have all the information before making a decision. Since I only have bits and pieces, I cannot make an informed decision on this particular situation.

When a man loses custody the world rallies around him and says, "Wow, that evil bitch screwed you good." Whether he did anything to warrant the action or not. When a woman loses custody MOST PEOPLE AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THAT SHE DID SOMETHING PRETTY DISPICABLE TO MAKE THE COURTS TAKE HER CHILDREN BECAUSE "EVERYBODY KNOWS" THAT NOT EVEN CRACKWHORES LOSE CUSTODY OF THEIR KIDS.

You're yelling again pumpkin.

And you spelled despicable wrong.

PM - you have said I sound like a sexist lunatic. Interestingly enough, on this thread I've said nothing crazy and nothing sexist (nor do I recall making comments that could be construed as such anyplace else IRL or on the web) so I am still trying to understand that assessment.

Ok, let go back for a second. I was trying to tell you that you didn't want to come across as a sexist lunatic. I even said right after that, "Not saying you are, but you do get extremely worked up over things you're deeply passionate about".

btw, it's not the first time we've had this conversation. Here's one example of how you can come across as sexist:

http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/chat-conversation/benoits-history-554850-4.html#post7453693

 

[Scotsman]

I'm locking this as the original poster's request for advice was partly answered then the thread degraded into mudslinging.

Cheers,
Scotsman