often.
i compare/contrast my current life/life direction to the supposed ideals foisted on me via all the social preprogramming we're subjected to in our formative years (societal preconception, religious preconception, familial preconception etc) and simultaneously try to work out not only how im doing compared to those preconceived notions, but also, how im doing based on my own personal frame of life reference
For a while I tried moulding my life around what I thought I should be doing, which was, from my own and my families point of view, nurturing mild mannerisms and the overall bearing of a pharmacist, to marry early and have a family
end result: dismal failure lol
(seriously, i was clinically depressed, had a shitty self image, shitty mindstate, and overall low appreciation of life)
so while I beat myself up about the concept of "am I doing the right thing" everyday, ive learned to cope by shifting to an experience based view of life - striving for quality experiences, rather than arbitrarily or societally defined measures of success (ie money, status etc), and the more I do so, the more I feel, for wont of a better term, "spiritual", and also, the more I find that base experiences are the most satisfying ie id rather scrunch sand between my toes as I orgasm into some blonde hottie or eat a really really good steak when im starving hungry than, say, drive a brand new car
I think that the turning point came for me when I was trying to get rid of a bunch of negative personality traits (I used to have White Knight syndrome, where I used to help people around me indiscriminately, which I think was rooted in a desire to indirectly improve my life by helping other people and basically hoping that there would be some reciprocation) and asked the most socially adept guy I know "Dude...once you get rid of these shitty traits...what do you replace them with?" and he replied "with whatever you want."
From there it was only a few steps until I answered that niggling question "are you doing the right thing with your life? what is the right thing?" with "the right thing is whatever I want. now fuck off and stop bugging me"
...and now my life has become a giant party, where im making more intense friends than ive ever made, having more sex than ive ever had and with some stunners too (woowoo lol
) and having a far more gratifying experience (especially socially/sexually) than ive ever had. Ive become a tree hugging hippie. Living like a yuppie. With a harem.
now if only I wasnt alwyas so fucking broke compared to before LOL
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