How about this one:
"I grew up in Greenwich, Connecticut in a 5-bedroom house with a yellow lab named Toby, but my Dad was never around because he was always staying late at work banging lines of coke off his secretary's ass, but my Mom never let it show because she stopped feeling emotion due to the large amounts of Paxil and Botox so they sent me off to Quinnipiac College and even let me take my red Jetta with the sticker 'Princess' on the back where I proceeded to sleep with every member of the lacrosse team in search for the attention that I never received at home except in the form of money and Louie Voutton handbags."
if you can fit it.