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So my wife officially left me yesterday
- Thread starter WoodyO
- Start date
underattack
New member
Sorry that sucks
I'm really sorry woody...especially because of the kids
if ya ever want a serious voice to blab to...Im here
if ya ever want a serious voice to blab to...Im here
Sorry to hear that woody, did she give any notice this was going to happen?
did she leave a note or something?
TheSVPdeal
New member
The same thing happened to me a year ago, Man. I'm sorry Bro.
This has been a very challenging time for me but I have decided to take the opportunity to become a better man. I don't know what your wishes are but mine are to have my family back together. In the mean time, I am working on becoming a well rounded person that deserves it.
I'm sure that everyone will offer to talk to you about this, they do with me and I will for you too.
Do your best, Dude.
digimon7068
New member
jeezuz woodpile...that sux...was this something that was in the works for a while or a total surprise? she never really completely "recovered" (not that anyone really does) from the death of your child did she?
WoodyO
New member
She first told me she was unhappy last October. She wanted some time away from me, but I didn't want to let her take the kids. Instead I took the sofa and she kept the bed. Things slowly got better, and we started doing more things together 2012.
We had another falling out around Easter, and she left briefly, when she returned I lost my temper and told her to leave again, but I wouldn't let her take the kids. Every since Easter we've been arguing a lot over stupid shit, and just airing our issues with each other from the last 9 years. Our oldest (my stepdaughter) heard us fighting a lot and questioned her mother. I think this was enough to push her over the edge.
When I left on Monday morning she told me she was calling a lawyer, and I kind of guessed that I'd come home to find her gone. I wasn't expecting boxes everywhere and all their belongings gone.
It's rough seeing the 4 years old's closet empty and all his monster trucks scattered around the house. It's like someone snatched him away from me.
We had another falling out around Easter, and she left briefly, when she returned I lost my temper and told her to leave again, but I wouldn't let her take the kids. Every since Easter we've been arguing a lot over stupid shit, and just airing our issues with each other from the last 9 years. Our oldest (my stepdaughter) heard us fighting a lot and questioned her mother. I think this was enough to push her over the edge.
When I left on Monday morning she told me she was calling a lawyer, and I kind of guessed that I'd come home to find her gone. I wasn't expecting boxes everywhere and all their belongings gone.
It's rough seeing the 4 years old's closet empty and all his monster trucks scattered around the house. It's like someone snatched him away from me.
I hope thats not the reason she left you, that's a really selfish act on her if that's true. You are just as much effected from the loss as her. And especially to split up your kids from you, in still a mourning period is simply insane.
WoodyO
New member
No she didn't. The first time she told me she wanted away from me was at the 1 year anniversary of his death. Things have steadily gotten worse since then.
I would set up a schedule where you have him immediately...and I honestly can't imagine you not having court ordered counseling together as a judges terms of divorce proceeding given the circumstance
Im really sorry this is how things are playing out for you
WoodyO
New member
I texted her last night asking if she was going to keep the kids away from me. she responded that she would never do that, but I couldn't see them until her lawyer came up with a game plan.
She took some of my recent financial information, so I'm guessing the lawyer wants to take everything. I don't think she's vindictive enough to do that though.
My stepdaughter texted me a few times this morning asking if she could come over and get their Disneyland passes. They're out having fun while I'm miserable.
WoodyO
New member
Do they really do that?
I don't have a lawyer yet and I have no idea what to expect.
I would be sure to get yourself a lawyer right away too.
princeofsin
New member
Congrats bro you ARE FREE!!!
Musclemama
New member
Sorry Woody that's very sad to hear . I know heartbreak all too well . It blows !!
that's very sad to hear . I know heartbreak all too well . It blows !!
I'm sorry to hear that too Woody. I'm here if you need anything too. Hang in there!
WoodyO
New member
No, I screwed up there. When this first stated she saw a counselor alone for 2 visits, then decided she didn't like her counselor and wanted to find a new one. By the time I tried to get in on it, she said it was too late.
WoodyO
New member
I've been married seven years, lived with her for 9 and dated off and on for at least 4-5 years prior to her moving in with me. I don't even know what to do with my time anymore.
I screwed around the house, rearranging stuff until like 2am last night. When I realized how late it was, I layed in bed thinking until 6 am.
yea.. umm.. you need to file for divorce before she does, if she has an attorney telling her to not let you have access to your kids it's him putting the wood to you..
and the person that files always has advantage in a court hearing..
sorry for your loss, but it will get better..
and the person that files always has advantage in a court hearing..
sorry for your loss, but it will get better..
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EarthRider
Guest
sorry bro. hopefully she just needs some time away to clear her head. In a week see if you can chat with her again and work things out. It sounds like you don't want this, so tell her that and that you're willing to try to make things work.
BBR100
New member
Really sorry to hear this woody. Get yourself a lawyer quickly. You need his guidance to know how to proceed.
It's brutal when all of a sudden you're alone no matter how well you probably knew this was coming.
Keep busy and try not to get caught up in the "woe's me" feeling. You don't know this now but down the road, you'll proly realize that it's for the best.
Good luck!
It's brutal when all of a sudden you're alone no matter how well you probably knew this was coming.
Keep busy and try not to get caught up in the "woe's me" feeling. You don't know this now but down the road, you'll proly realize that it's for the best.
Good luck!
another thing that will be good for you mind is to reset his bedroom, get a bed he will like, set up his toys and be ready for him to come see his dad in his new room..
and or consider looking for a new place for sure, and have that room ready for him..will be good for you and for him..
and or consider looking for a new place for sure, and have that room ready for him..will be good for you and for him..
I'm sincerely, truly sorry man.
You should go ahead and get a lawyer. Soon you will get a subpoena, if you have a lawyer it can go right to him. Getting served in front of coworkers sucks almost as bad as the empty house does.
Get through one day at a time...one hour at a time if you need to.
Mostly you just have to wait. That sucks but almost anything you do now will make it worse. Don't write her notes, email, texts or leave voicemail. It will be used against you, I promise. Do your best not to lose your temper, you'll be sorry if you do.
Life will be shitty for a while, but I promise it won't last forever.
TheSVPdeal
New member
You are so right about this, Shirlene.
Trust me, Woody. Your next steps are crucial. You need to demonstrate NOW that you want 50% custody or you will lose it as a pattern of visitation is being established.
PM me for any advice. This is serious and I'd she intends on leaving you for good and you do not do what needs to be done now, you'll be sorry.
STFU you fucking goddam waste of skin. The man had his child taken from him and his family is torn apart.
I am sorry to hear this. I have lived through this about 8 years ago and there are a few things that you def have to do. Starting tomorrow always consider every conversation you have with your wife or any of her family to be recorded. NEver lose your temper on the phone or in person. Every thing you do can be brought up in court so stay strong remember you are fighting for you child now. I know you say she isnt like that to yourself but remember she said she wont let you see the kids until a lawyer decides a game plan. well thats bullshit. you have a right and like stated earlier if you dont show desire to be part of there life now it will look poorly on you later in court. Go buy a recorder and call her every day asking for the kids....that way you have proof that she has used the kids against you and also shows you have tried to be there for them eveyday. I know this sounds kinda crappy but the stakes are way too high here not to take every precaution you can.
RippedRetard
Banned
Woody, I dont even know what to say. Your my fav EFer. Seriously bro, we're all here for you.
Sorry to hear this Woody.
Sent from my DROIDX using EliteFitness
Sent from my DROIDX using EliteFitness
Follow your heart dude. You can fix whatever the problem is if youre both willing
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EarthRider
Guest
try to make things work with her bro. tell her you're open to marriage counseling. You guys have had the worst thing imaginable to any parent, and you guys need each other to get through it. I pray you guys can work things out as I am sure it would be better for the two of you, and the kids
How long has this been going on for dude? Sorry I haven't read the whole thread I've been busy today. Was this just out of the blue?
Energy3
New member
Sorry to hear that and I don't know you! Tuff situation!
Depending on your history together you will most likely settle out of court if you both reach an agreement on custody. if you can't resolve it - then the matter will be put before a magistrate to make a ruling etc!
Focus on the kids mate and hope you can work it out to the best for both of you!
Depending on your history together you will most likely settle out of court if you both reach an agreement on custody. if you can't resolve it - then the matter will be put before a magistrate to make a ruling etc!
Focus on the kids mate and hope you can work it out to the best for both of you!
WoodyO
New member
Its been going on off and on for about six months. We got really bad around easter. It really goes back to november 28 2010, when our oldest kid killed himself. For about six months we supported each other, but we suddenly turned against each other, and our families got involved and made things worse.
Energy3
New member
It's hard for anyone to say how things are going to progress but you have a long history together which is good and I'm sure she is still receptive to change! I think that from what I have read I feel that communication was the concern but isn't that the case for most relationship issues - difference of opinion unmet expectations.
Dig deep mate!
canadianhitman
Well-known member
For the love of God, man...get yourself a lawyer. Some good advice in this thread from people who have been through it that you need to take.
Energy3
New member
Jesus man. There is so many feelings going on in this relationship....I'm so sorry man...you guys should seek help with what's going on and what happened in the past...I hope everything gets better man
God that's aweful. I agree with what a lot of people have said here try to get councling together. I also agree with getting some kind of custody agreement set up so you have time with your kids.
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EarthRider
Guest
i am so sorry to hear that your son took his own life. that breaks my heart to hear that. I pray you guys can find closure with your son, and can work things out.
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lartinos
Guest
Stay strong my man. Glad you're a part of our community here.
Lawyer up bro.
Taking the Kids to Disneyland without you and sending video and pictures is messed up IMO.
Taking the Kids to Disneyland without you and sending video and pictures is messed up IMO.
Nah she's overcompensating out of guilt that she left more than likely trying to make the kids happy. He said his step daughter was crying all day she's probably just trying to figure out how to help them adjust.
How old are the kids Woody?
WoodyO
New member
My son is 4 and my daughter is 16.
WoodyO
New member
I just spoke to her. She hasn't paid the lawyers retainer yet and she said she wouldn't do it either.
She's staying with her sister, but she hates it there. I offered the house to her, but that was kind of stupid of me since i have nowhere to go.
Her therapist told her to spend some time away from me and to go back to how things were when we dated.
We're trying not to tell my mom whats going on, so my mom will watch woody like she always does on wednesday, then i'll pick him up and bring him home for a while until she comes to get him.
She's staying with her sister, but she hates it there. I offered the house to her, but that was kind of stupid of me since i have nowhere to go.
Her therapist told her to spend some time away from me and to go back to how things were when we dated.
We're trying not to tell my mom whats going on, so my mom will watch woody like she always does on wednesday, then i'll pick him up and bring him home for a while until she comes to get him.
I went through my parents divorce a little younger than your son I was 3. In younger kids typical things are for them to strart acting like a baby again. I was potty trained really young before I was 2 but when my parents split I started wetting the bed. I also started eating with my hands etc little things.
I saw my brothers best friend go though his parents split when he was 19 people think when kids are older its easier but it's not. I think your step daughter will struggle more than your son. If she isn't already seeing a therapist due to the eldest sons death than it might be a good idea to have her start.
I really do hope you can work through things sounds like you still really care for your wife.
blueta2
New member
I'm reaching out to give you a huge hug! The pain is tough, but like someone said above, use the time to maybe grow from it. Let her grow from it and if you two truly want to be together, maybe the break / break-up can be the catalyst to a better marriage.
What I would have given for a man like you to have reached out on line to express pain and to actually care about what you lost!
Like others have said, if you need me, but since you have so many offers to talk, I can only offer you "rebound sex" ..kidding!
lots of healing hugs
What I would have given for a man like you to have reached out on line to express pain and to actually care about what you lost!
Like others have said, if you need me, but since you have so many offers to talk, I can only offer you "rebound sex" ..kidding!
lots of healing hugs
youpissmeoff
Banned
Woodyo.. Good luck good bro. Hope the best outcome cones your way - whatever that may be.
WoodyO
New member
She's gone to a therapist a few times, but i think her high school friends have helped her the most. Shes changed a lot since her brothers death. I'll ask her why she doesnt use her rifle and she'll say she always shot with Jesse. The same went for her skateboard or playing the wii. She's abandoned anything that she did with him.
sounds like classic depression and a family that isn't sure what they want out of counseling because it doesn't bring him back....so whats the point
but the point is to all love each other in a meaningful way
but the point is to all love each other in a meaningful way
WoodyO
New member
Yeah, i think you nailed it right there. Unfortunately, none of us has figured out how ro move on after Jesse's death.
actually...I think its an amateur move on the part of the therapist...getting them to remember what it felt like when they were butterflies and rainbow sprinkle pooping kittens doesn't even begin to touch the gravity of whats happened
and is a move best left for inconsequential shifts apart not monumental foundation shaking earth shattering circumstances
I would be willing to bet everyone in the home has a touch of ptsd (except for possibly the youngest)....ptsd is caused by something shaking your core belief system and slamming it on the ground a few time until life doesn't make sense
I cant imagine the horror, stigma, shame (unwarranted all) and sense of profound loss everyone feels
that your children should outlive you is a pretty solid part of most peoples belief system...only certain types of therapists work with ptsd well...and when they do its not comfortable therapy because its incredibly challenging
and is a move best left for inconsequential shifts apart not monumental foundation shaking earth shattering circumstances
I would be willing to bet everyone in the home has a touch of ptsd (except for possibly the youngest)....ptsd is caused by something shaking your core belief system and slamming it on the ground a few time until life doesn't make sense
I cant imagine the horror, stigma, shame (unwarranted all) and sense of profound loss everyone feels
that your children should outlive you is a pretty solid part of most peoples belief system...only certain types of therapists work with ptsd well...and when they do its not comfortable therapy because its incredibly challenging
It's a long process but you all have each other to lean on. I really feel like it's possible for your family to grow back together.
Depression is the 4th stage of the 7 stages of grieving so maybe your further along than you think.
blueta2
New member
I NEVER saw pooping kittens when I was in love! ;-)
Yes agree on the PTSD, it's an under dx condition.
People make light of it
the problem is ...everyone is going to be at different stages...and everyone really needs their own shrink...then a group session...with everyone but maybe the 4 yr old...and maybe he needs to be included too
he probably knows everyone in the home is a little ...off compared to the rest of his world
he probably knows everyone in the home is a little ...off compared to the rest of his world
Word ...
I see your point about the pooping kittens but I also think it's good to see that the therapist feels like there is something there to save and to get back to meaning there situation is not hopeless.
I dont think its hopeless....as long as everyone gets into some effective help
I was lucky ....having been dx-d years ago with acute ptsd that I got immediate help and had a close friend that watched my every move pretty much every waking minute
even luckier to have a green as grass optimistic therapist that put me through my paces with therapy and challenged my beliefs of the events
I was lucky ....having been dx-d years ago with acute ptsd that I got immediate help and had a close friend that watched my every move pretty much every waking minute
even luckier to have a green as grass optimistic therapist that put me through my paces with therapy and challenged my beliefs of the events
Energy3
New member
Accurate description ^^^^
Plus she's still feeling a strong sense of longing given you were with her for such a long period of time and will continue to be so as well
Hey dude if you ever need to talk as I have been through it also. I'm here. Good to always talk with someone experience...wish I never had the experience and maybe you won't need it either....
The lawyer was going to bait you. Get you pissed off so you do something stupid. If he can start a big fight it increases his billing hours. Mediation is the best way to go in divorce if you and the wife can be cool headed.
I really hope things work out for you and your family, I've been through something similar and I can tell you that it can work out.
Lumberg
New member
Thanks for the tip.
I've honestly thought about doing pre-counseling for the next person I get seriously involved with. Like before we get married. Have something in the bank strategy wise BEFORE any problems start happening. Or maybe identify incompatibilities that will be deal breakers.
you date enough crazy bitches and you'll know when you've found one that's not so crazy. Patterns emerge.
I won't say "not crazy" because they're all crazy ("bitches be crazy!"). Just find the least crazy one you can if you want a long term relationship/marriage/whatever.
I won't say "not crazy" because they're all crazy ("bitches be crazy!"). Just find the least crazy one you can if you want a long term relationship/marriage/whatever.
WoodyO
New member
We actually had to do pre-marriage counseling as my wife was Catholic and I am not. The counseling basically said we were not compatible since I wasn't Catholic.
I took a several hundred question test, that I was given 4 hours to complete. It was supposed to be a test that I wasn't graded on, however I completed it in 30 minutes and failed it.
The priest spoke to me after the test and told me that the questions were in a specific pattern that were created by highly paid people and that nobody should be able to figure out the pattern. I remember saying something smart-ass like "no shit, no mathlete or statisticians have ever been married here?"
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EarthRider
Guest
so when you say she wants to set things up like it was when you were dating, does that mean she wants to try to work things out?
WoodyO
New member
Yeah, but she doesn't want to come home yet. She looked into getting an apartment of her own, which would suck cause she'd need to lease it for a year. One of her sisters has a large home near me, and she offered a couple rooms too.
I also offered the house to her, but that would suck too as the only family I have is my mom and I can't live with her, so I'd need to lease something. My only other option would be to kick the renters out of my 1st house I had before I was married. It's a small 2 bedroom by the beach. It's paid for completely, so I wouldn't need to worry about 2 mortgages, but the renters are ideal and I'd lose the income I make off them each month.
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EarthRider
Guest
i know rentals around here are really hot right now. you could kick them out. I am sure you would fill it back up quick
the year lease idea doesn't sound like a good idea. i can't imagine you guys needing that long apart.
the year lease idea doesn't sound like a good idea. i can't imagine you guys needing that long apart.
mrplunkey
New member
setting aside the relationship with your children... do you want to stay married to her? do you feel the same way do you even want her back?
WoodyO
New member
Good question. I'll have to get back to you on the answer though.
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EarthRider
Guest
are you going to try hitin that shit tonight while she is in shower?
WoodyO
New member
She showered there already. she's at work now. She's bringing the kids over for dinner and to show of the prom dress, so I doubt i'd get a chance.
I did ask her for a hair cut tonight though.
well everyone is rooting for things to work out between you so it got me thinking maybe that's not what you want, maybe you'd do it just for the kids, I can understand something really disturbing triggered this issue between you too but it sounds like you've been quite alone in the ordeal and that's really not that fair either, not fair for you to be supportive of her and not her of you, otherwise you're having TWO losses, I could be wrong though, I'm just an observer who doesnt know the whole story.
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EarthRider
Guest
stfu deca
he's already thinking of ways to hit that shit
he's already thinking of ways to hit that shit
WoodyO
New member
I picked my son up from my mothers today. He gave me the cold shoulder at first, but warmed back up to me when we got back to my house. That really sucked.
I had to tell my mother too. It's not easy breaking that news to a lonely old lady. She shut the door in my face when i left. Not sure if it's because she was mad or because she was holding back tears.
I had to tell my mother too. It's not easy breaking that news to a lonely old lady. She shut the door in my face when i left. Not sure if it's because she was mad or because she was holding back tears.
blueta2
New member
Great advice alter
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