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WTF do men want?
- Thread starter Werd
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Werd
New member
For some reason, this computer is all fucked up and I can't quote anyone:
Jersey said it best:
Re: WTF do men want?
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Personally I think Chef's resposne was likely the closest to the truth. I've already expressed my thoughts to you in private.
(Chef's responses in PM's - not what is printed publicly.)
I think leaving the gift was not good, albeit more well intentioned than is immediately clear from what you have written on this thread. I can see why people have reacted the way they have not understanding the full story.
I can understand a hurt response on his part, it is the extremeness of the response I find hard to comprehend, especially given the relative insignificance of the episode and lack of prior history.
******
I left a lot of details out in all fairness to everyone who posted. However, I can understand a lot of what everyone is saying.
I look at material things totally differently than many peeps do.
This "drama" was not created by me. It was created by HIM. I returned some jewelry and all he would have had to do was say, "Hello! YOU JUST HURT MY FEELINGS... AND THIS IS WHY." I would have listened, we could have talked it out and laughed about it later... just like EVERY OTHER TIME WHEN I DID OR SAID or HE DID OR SAID SOMETHING THAT HURT THE OTHERS' FEELINGS.
He reacted in a way that was waaaaaaaaaaaay disproportional to the "offense" that I committed when I returned the jewelry.... AND COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER FOR HIM.
As I said I kept a lot of the details private. I only broched surface issues as that is all I wanted to share.
I can see how what I did could have been misconstrued and how it could have honestly hurt his feelings very badly. HOWEVER, I was not malicious and certainly did not warrant abusive emails.
My counselor asked me if I was afraid when he raised his voice to me. I had to think about it to be honest. My honest answer is: "I was as close to being afraid of someone as I care to ever get."
Is any of this seeming any clearer to anyone?
I DID apologize for being overly sensitive perhaps to him having raised his voice to me (which was TOTALLY unwarranted).
I have to admit. I am totally floored by the responses and I can clearly see NOW where my actions were incorrect and could have hurt his feelings. But there are much larger issues here that I am not being forthcoming about. Jersey knows and Chefwide knows...
I have got a lot of other stuff before me now so I am not going to do anything about this right now.
My therapist actually said that his reaction to my giving back the gift was a "blessing in disguise".... In other words perhaps a very clear sign for me to get out before it gets deeper.
It's all good either way. I havent decided whether or not I am done with this and I dont have to just yet. I love and care for him very deeply and am greatly saddened that I hurt him HOWEVER I will not apologize for standing up for myself OR accept his reaction to my returning the gift. What I did may not have been right. But what he did was downright abusive....
Time will help to make things more clear.
Thank you guys for your input. It really helped me.
Jersey said it best:
Re: WTF do men want?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Personally I think Chef's resposne was likely the closest to the truth. I've already expressed my thoughts to you in private.
(Chef's responses in PM's - not what is printed publicly.)
I think leaving the gift was not good, albeit more well intentioned than is immediately clear from what you have written on this thread. I can see why people have reacted the way they have not understanding the full story.
I can understand a hurt response on his part, it is the extremeness of the response I find hard to comprehend, especially given the relative insignificance of the episode and lack of prior history.
******
I left a lot of details out in all fairness to everyone who posted. However, I can understand a lot of what everyone is saying.
I look at material things totally differently than many peeps do.
This "drama" was not created by me. It was created by HIM. I returned some jewelry and all he would have had to do was say, "Hello! YOU JUST HURT MY FEELINGS... AND THIS IS WHY." I would have listened, we could have talked it out and laughed about it later... just like EVERY OTHER TIME WHEN I DID OR SAID or HE DID OR SAID SOMETHING THAT HURT THE OTHERS' FEELINGS.
He reacted in a way that was waaaaaaaaaaaay disproportional to the "offense" that I committed when I returned the jewelry.... AND COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER FOR HIM.
As I said I kept a lot of the details private. I only broched surface issues as that is all I wanted to share.
I can see how what I did could have been misconstrued and how it could have honestly hurt his feelings very badly. HOWEVER, I was not malicious and certainly did not warrant abusive emails.
My counselor asked me if I was afraid when he raised his voice to me. I had to think about it to be honest. My honest answer is: "I was as close to being afraid of someone as I care to ever get."
Is any of this seeming any clearer to anyone?
I DID apologize for being overly sensitive perhaps to him having raised his voice to me (which was TOTALLY unwarranted).
I have to admit. I am totally floored by the responses and I can clearly see NOW where my actions were incorrect and could have hurt his feelings. But there are much larger issues here that I am not being forthcoming about. Jersey knows and Chefwide knows...
I have got a lot of other stuff before me now so I am not going to do anything about this right now.
My therapist actually said that his reaction to my giving back the gift was a "blessing in disguise".... In other words perhaps a very clear sign for me to get out before it gets deeper.
It's all good either way. I havent decided whether or not I am done with this and I dont have to just yet. I love and care for him very deeply and am greatly saddened that I hurt him HOWEVER I will not apologize for standing up for myself OR accept his reaction to my returning the gift. What I did may not have been right. But what he did was downright abusive....
Time will help to make things more clear.
Thank you guys for your input. It really helped me.
C
Code
Guest
Hopefully, *HE* takes this as a clear sign.
Girlfriend, you're ok in my book. But my book is fucked up.
The level of drama you bring to the table (albeit unintended) is Beyond acceptable ofr any functional, sane relationship.
Keep going to the counselor. Stop dating until you feel like you can cope with someone raising their voice at you.
Girlfriend, you're ok in my book. But my book is fucked up.
The level of drama you bring to the table (albeit unintended) is Beyond acceptable ofr any functional, sane relationship.
Keep going to the counselor. Stop dating until you feel like you can cope with someone raising their voice at you.
Werd said:
Werd
New member
Code, I authored you a bigass long detailed PM where the holes were left here and it fucking disappeared. DAMMIT!
Chefwide, Jersey and my therapist all agreed that there is a HYUGE problem here and it is not me.
I am not disputing that I my actions though not malicious didnt hurt his feelings. The problem was his reaction which was totally out of line... I mean WAAAAAY out of line. I returned some jewelry honestly not realizing it would hurt him so badly. I dont place a paramount on material things. And yes, I DO have issues with the fact that he has so much money. I never denied that. And yes, I AM sensitive to being yelled at. Someone only needs to be yelled at and beaten down once to fear escalation. Unfortunately when this has happened to you you entire life at the hands of people that were supposed to have loved and cared about you, you dont magically get over that overnight.
I have issues. Who amongst us doesn't? My behavior was totally understandable given the circumstances. HIS WAS NOT.
So now I have two options.
Either cut him loose without any more communication and chalk it up to that he decieved me very well for months.
of
Just chill and try to find a way for us to work this out.
I want to very badly, but I fear (as do those who have the full picture) that no matter how badly I want to, it just might not be possible as there is nothing I can do. I can only be responsible for me.
I ask these questions because I want very much to understand others. It takes TWO to be in a relationship. It isn't "me me me".
I have a very hard time standing up for myself and also trusting people. He knew this from the getco just as I knew about some of his issues. The question now is do I cut my losses because I cant do anything to help him and his issues or do I try to find a way to help salvage shit and make things better so we can become a solid family.
This is about way more than just a bit of someone raising their voice and the other person returning a gift.
I have no trouble eating humble pie and assuming responsible for hurting the feelings of someone I love. As a matter of fact I am ALWAYS THE FIRST TO SAY I AM SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I DIDNT MEAN TO HURT YOU.
My issue is will it do any good if the person I am apologizing to is incapable of realizing that THEY were really REALLY out of line.
Chefwide, Jersey and my therapist all agreed that there is a HYUGE problem here and it is not me.
I am not disputing that I my actions though not malicious didnt hurt his feelings. The problem was his reaction which was totally out of line... I mean WAAAAAY out of line. I returned some jewelry honestly not realizing it would hurt him so badly. I dont place a paramount on material things. And yes, I DO have issues with the fact that he has so much money. I never denied that. And yes, I AM sensitive to being yelled at. Someone only needs to be yelled at and beaten down once to fear escalation. Unfortunately when this has happened to you you entire life at the hands of people that were supposed to have loved and cared about you, you dont magically get over that overnight.
I have issues. Who amongst us doesn't? My behavior was totally understandable given the circumstances. HIS WAS NOT.
So now I have two options.
Either cut him loose without any more communication and chalk it up to that he decieved me very well for months.
of
Just chill and try to find a way for us to work this out.
I want to very badly, but I fear (as do those who have the full picture) that no matter how badly I want to, it just might not be possible as there is nothing I can do. I can only be responsible for me.
I ask these questions because I want very much to understand others. It takes TWO to be in a relationship. It isn't "me me me".
I have a very hard time standing up for myself and also trusting people. He knew this from the getco just as I knew about some of his issues. The question now is do I cut my losses because I cant do anything to help him and his issues or do I try to find a way to help salvage shit and make things better so we can become a solid family.
This is about way more than just a bit of someone raising their voice and the other person returning a gift.
I have no trouble eating humble pie and assuming responsible for hurting the feelings of someone I love. As a matter of fact I am ALWAYS THE FIRST TO SAY I AM SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I DIDNT MEAN TO HURT YOU.
My issue is will it do any good if the person I am apologizing to is incapable of realizing that THEY were really REALLY out of line.
B0ARDIN087
New member
Werd said:
so wait, u got in a fight and pouted like a little girl, then returned a gift to try to make him feel bad, YOU SAY YOURSELF that you returned the gift becuz he was mean to me. when my 10 year old littler sister fights with my other sister and hits her thats her same excuse. please grow the hell up.
Werd
New member
Boardin087 said:
Ummmm darlin' in case you didn't realize that "he was mean" to me was hardly something like "She's looking at me - make her stop."
It had to do with him raising his voice at me because he was under pressure to get work done THAT HE NEVER ONCE TOLD ME OF my kids were making noise and he got annoyed that we were still there.
Had he mentioned JUST ONCE "Honey, I really have to get this done tomorrow." or even in early AM "Honey I am so sad to see you and the kids go, but I need to be able to concentrate." Whether my children were OUR children or not is irrelevant. I would have IMMEDIATELY done the proper thing and made sure that we left after breakfast. Instead he let himself get all stressed never once telling me what was going on and then lost it on me when we weren't ready to leave yet.
HE NEVER ONCE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD THIS WORK TO DO.
But I should "grow up." ok
I even told him later that night that though he hurt my feelings I realize that it has been awhile since he was in a committed relationship and even far longer since there were little kids in the house. So I did understand, it still hurt my feelings though. And that in the future we would have to communicate better so that the children would not be cramping his style when he had serious business to attend to. My children are most important to me and I would never EVER knowingly put them in a sitch where they would be upsetting someone intentionally by "just being kids".
He was waaaaaay outta line.
Not saying that what I did was right. But his reaction was even worse.
B0ARDIN087
New member
no the thing is, u contradict yourself saying u just left the gift there to politely return it. everyone fights, EVERYONE. you need to used to this REAL fast or hes going to get out of the relationship even faster. I dont care if he was out of line, returning a gift is a physical act and hurts alot more then saying something mean to him. maybe you dont understand that but its very true. you ask everyone for advice here and 15 guys reinforce what he did, then u basicly say we all wrong and u are right, ur worse at taking advice and critique then fxyfuck
Werd
New member
Um no I never said that I was politely returning it. I was crying when I left it. I said it was a strong statement but not one that was intentionally mean.
And actually all the peeps that have all the facts (and I am not upset with anyone who isn't in possession of them - there are just some parts of this story that I do not wish to have out in the open. I posted that previously) agree... THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY WRONG HERE.... and though I am not lilly-white - THE SOMETHING REALLY WRONG AINT ME.
I only posted the small part about the gift because I truly did not understand this point of view about how it could have hurt him so badly. Many many peeps have articulated how this could have been the case and because of these posts I admitted that his hurt was understandable for my having returned the gift, as was MY behavior. Given the circumstances, neither of these actions were "right" certainly but there WERE understandable. The larger problem is how this all came to pass and what the end result was. This is the part that I will not post up as it serves no usefull purpose.
All I wanted to understand was how he could have been so hurt over me returning a gift. Because so many people gave me insight as to how this could be, I now do.
So how is it that I do not listen to advice or that I need to grow up?
And actually all the peeps that have all the facts (and I am not upset with anyone who isn't in possession of them - there are just some parts of this story that I do not wish to have out in the open. I posted that previously) agree... THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY WRONG HERE.... and though I am not lilly-white - THE SOMETHING REALLY WRONG AINT ME.
I only posted the small part about the gift because I truly did not understand this point of view about how it could have hurt him so badly. Many many peeps have articulated how this could have been the case and because of these posts I admitted that his hurt was understandable for my having returned the gift, as was MY behavior. Given the circumstances, neither of these actions were "right" certainly but there WERE understandable. The larger problem is how this all came to pass and what the end result was. This is the part that I will not post up as it serves no usefull purpose.
All I wanted to understand was how he could have been so hurt over me returning a gift. Because so many people gave me insight as to how this could be, I now do.
So how is it that I do not listen to advice or that I need to grow up?
strangebrew
New member
This thread makes me realize how lucky I am.
Thanks.
Thanks.
I think some people that don't know Werd that well can't read between the lines in some of her posts and threads of late. I think I got it and all I can say is I wish you the best and nothing but happiness. With or without him your a strong woman and will come out shinning brighter then ever.
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