WTF do men want?

[Werd]

Your girl returns an extremely expensive gift to you because she felt you hurt her feelings (no drama involved - she just left it on your nightstand) and when she tells you about it later she only keeps repeating that she loves and wants YOU and not "expensive stuff".

How would you, as the man feel about this?

 

[hamstershaver]

i would return the gift get the cash back and play poker and get a hooker with the $

 

[Code]

It's a slap in the face.
Only the red mark is more permanent.

Your man gave you the gift as a physical manifestation of his love for you.
So, in essence, you are refusing to accept his love.

 

[KillahBee]

It's a slap in the face.
Only the red mark is more permanent.

Your man gave you the gift as a physical manifestation of his love for you.
So, in essence, you are refusing to accept his love.

Yep. And it is dramatic, whether you want it to be or not.

 

[KillahBee]

PS - we also want a bloppy. or at least I do.

 

[Scotsman]

Your girl returns an extremely expensive gift to you because she felt you hurt her feelings (no drama involved - she just left it on your nightstand) and when she tells you about it later she only keeps repeating that she loves and wants YOU and not "expensive stuff".

How would you, as the man feel about this?

This is a tough one. He thought he was doing something really nice by getting an expensive gift. The idea that you didn't want it regails the "It's the thought that counts" idea. Sometimes it is better to accept something you don't really want so as to not hurt feelings. Remember buys act tough a lot but deep down are pretty sensitive about things they care about like gift giving to a woman they really like.

Cheers,
Scotsman

 

[Dial_tone]

It's a slap in the face.
Only the red mark is more permanent.

Your man gave you the gift as a physical manifestation of his love for you.
So, in essence, you are refusing to accept his love.

<insert CHA-CHING sound>

He bought it because he wanted her to have it.

 

[Code]

Oh, and most men expect a blowjob for every 100 dollars on the purchase price of the gift.

 

[MrMuscle]

If i buy a girl a gift, its because i want her to have it. Returning it is a stab in the chest. And not a thing to do if you care about the guy.

 

[Tactile]

The confusing part is that you're confirming to the guy that you love him, and want him. My first thoughts are that the guy only knows how to express himself through an action..such as giving you a gift. Maybe when you sensed that he was getting frustrated you should have accepted the gift anyway, and reiterated that it's HIM that you really want, but you love the gift and you love him for giving it to you.

 

[Deterass]

You can buy that necklace anyday with Walmart's everyday low prices for $29.95



J/k Tell him your sorry and accept the gift.

 

[HumorMe]

Oh, and most men expect a blowjob for every 100 dollars on the purchase price of the gift.

So true but we won't be disappointed with a handjob.

 

[Carmen]

returning it was dramatic, even if you did it in a nice way (which you did).
unless he hurt your feelings by saying you're a golddigger or something to that effect, he wanted you to have it and it probably hurt his feelings when you returned it.

 

[Y_lifter]

........ What Men Want...
.

 

[Y_lifter]

Is it possible that since he can't satisfy *her* sexually (no man can really)
So he is trying to supplement that with the gift and *she* blew it...

 

[digger]

I bought Mrs. Digger an iPod because the $60 MP3 players we bought her kept breaking.

She won't touch it because she's "afraid she'll break it."

Words cannot express how upset we both got over this -- she's upset because of my extravagance (this was a "don't buy me a birthday present" present), and I'm upset because I really wanted her to enjoy it.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

What code said minus the blow job part although it was rather funny.

 

[biteme]

Is it possible that since he can't satisfy *her* sexually (no man can really)

Obviously, you don't know me. lol

 

[Code]

The blowjob part is the straight dope on how men think.

Or at least the straight dope on how Code thinks.
But the, Code's fiance knows this and yet still can't get her balance "paid" off.

What code said minus the blow job part although it was rather funny.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

code I need to hit you with some green when I reload.

 

[ChefWide]

I bought Mrs. Digger an iPod because the $60 MP3 players we bought her kept breaking.

She won't touch it because she's "afraid she'll break it."

Words cannot express how upset we both got over this -- she's upset because of my extravagance (this was a "don't buy me a birthday present" present), and I'm upset because I really wanted her to enjoy it.

I got the couch for exactly that type of silliness. Got her an antique mantle clock that she has wanted for years only to get hell for it.

So the next year, I promissed not to make a big deal out of it, I snuck out with the boys to my office for two saturdays in a row and we folded an origami vase, and four sick as hell origami flowers in 4 different sizes (one for each of us guys) and made paper ferns to fill out the vase. Killer present, no money.

'You guys did all that for me. You said you weren't going to make a big deal out of it this year....'

I caught hell AGAIN! I can't win. What the hell does she want from me? A mediocre cheap present with no forthought?

 

[toga22]

I understand why you returned the gift...it can be a very uncomfortable situation to receive a very expensive gift, especially if you know that you may not be able to return a gift that is as exquisite.

But on the other hand, you have to put yourself in his shoes... He took the time to go out and select a present that he thought was just perfect for you. And because it was not any special occasion (aka b-day, anniversay) he had no expectation of a return gift...his only motivation was to see the expression of delight on your face and a Thank You. (and then possibly a blow-job ) But he bought the present to make you happy, and it made him feel good about himself to give it too you...

 

[Dial_tone]

If it's that expensive a bj won't do......ole DT is expecting bareback butt love.

 

[Werd]

I am at a loss here.

Men go on and on about how women are golddigging bitches, blah, blah, blah...

I DIDNT ASK FOR AND NEITHER DO I WANT EXPENSIVE GIFTS.

The guy said some things that were out of line (and he knew it) he raised his voice to me *a tad* - we were both understress and I did the only thing that felt right - gave the expensive gift back.

I am not a gold digger. I pay my own bills.

I also explained quite delicately and effectively that I love HIM and not his money. PERIOD. I would constantly thank him for how well he treats me and tell him how much I love him and how glad I am that he loves ME and my kids.

How ON EARTH could anyone wrap so much emotion into a MATERIAL THING?!

IT WAS A THING THAT HE PURCHASED IN THE STORE! HELLO!!!!!

He said that he understood and even laughed at me a bit on the phone and said, "It was a gift FOR YOU and you can NOT return it.... YOU HAVE ME AND THE 'STUFF'" Now go to sleep LOL... we will talk in the morning.

Then I wake to a cold email. I mean BAD - OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE.

BECAUSE I WOULDNT ACCEPT HIM BEING MEAN TO ME FOR A FRUSTRATING SITCH BROUGHT ON BY HIM NOT TELLING ME THAT HE NEEDED QUIET IN ORDER TO GET SOME WORK DONE THAT HE NEEDED TO DO UNDER A DEADLINE?!?!?!... I DESERVE TO BE BITCHED OUT?....

Men are the one with mental problems.

I am the ULTIMATELY NON-GOLD DIGGER as faithful as a fucking sheepdog - loving till the bitter end - and STILL.... I fucked up?!

*shakes head*


ok



(Yes, I am more than just a bit frustrated here as I am getting many different messages from peeps about this. Honestly I am FLOORED at the replies here.)




And as for being sexually satisfied - I am BEYOND.

And though the gift was VERY expensive to him it was not such a big expenditure so let us put it in perspective.

 

[Werd]

PS - it WAS a special occasion.

It was my birthday.

I didn't return the gift until one week later when he was mean to me.

 

[Y_lifter]

You love his money.... Don't give us BS otherwise...

Everyone wants to be financially stable.. Even Non Gold diggers.

Accepting a gift does not make one a gold digger..
Expecting one does.

 

[MrMuscle]

Jesus christ lady, it was a GIFT! He didnt say that "you cant take care of yourself financially, so i buy you stuff" he said "i love you and want you to have this". Get over your "im an independant woman" thing and take things for what they are.

 

[Werd]

Code - he was getting mad crazy sex BEFORE the gift and was continuing well AFTER.

I have a crazy drive and the more deeply in love I am, the more crazy unbridled sex there is...

There were NO complaints in that department.

See I do not equate material things with love. Obviously he did and so do many others.

 

[Dial_tone]

Accepting a gift does not make one a gold digger..
Expecting one does.

ALERT THE MEDIA. I agree with you for once.

I didn't return the gift until one week later when he was mean to me.

That makes it vindictive...don't mix one situation with another. Take the gift.

 

[KillahBee]

Please note this thread as the reason why I refuse to date any longer. Thank you and good day.

 

[Carmen]

I got the couch for exactly that type of silliness. Got her an antique mantle clock that she has wanted for years only to get hell for it.

So the next year, I promissed not to make a big deal out of it, I snuck out with the boys to my office for two saturdays in a row and we folded an origami vase, and four sick as hell origami flowers in 4 different sizes (one for each of us guys) and made paper ferns to fill out the vase. Killer present, no money.

'You guys did all that for me. You said you weren't going to make a big deal out of it this year....'

I caught hell AGAIN! I can't win. What the hell does she want from me? A mediocre cheap present with no forthought?

CHEF!!!
thats too bad that she doesn't appreciate it- i bet she really does though. i don't know WHY women do it, but they don't always say what they mean (like "you don't have to get me anything") and although its not at all about money, its ALLLLL about the thought and you put a lot of that into it.
i hope one day she can express appreciation for it/you. she's lucky to have you.

 

[Werd]

You love his money.... Don't give us BS otherwise...

Everyone wants to be financially stable.. Even Non Gold diggers.

Accepting a gift does not make one a gold digger..
Expecting one does.

Sorry but you are wrong.

I have dated TONS of wealthy men and been bored to tears or just straight up annoyed by most.

I admire and am drawn to successful men - PERIOD. Money has nothing to do with love.

 

[Werd]

Chef - JerseyArt in light of what all these peeps are saying....

Do you STILL think that the sitch you thought was happening was?


THIS is what spurred that email.

NEVER has this ever happened no matter what the disagreement....

Now everybody is saying that that email was actually warranted?

OK - so now I am even more confused THAN EVER....

 

[Forge]

Your girl returns an extremely expensive gift to you because she felt you hurt her feelings (no drama involved - she just left it on your nightstand) and when she tells you about it later she only keeps repeating that she loves and wants YOU and not "expensive stuff".

How would you, as the man feel about this?

It's a slap in the face, whether she (this "theoretical" girl) intended it to be or not, and I'll bet that deep down she really did intend it to be a slap in the face. She wanted to teach him a lesson with more than just words, no matter how it makes him feel. She could have just as easily accepted the gift and mentioned to never buy something so expensive again, instead she made a "statement" out of it. One thing's for sure, if it happened to me it would be the last expensive gift I ever bought her, at least until she apologized or realized what she had done.

A gift is a gift, no matter what the price, and turning a gift down for reasons other than "it doesn't fit" or "I don't like it" has emotional repercussions, even with guys.

 

[beastboy]

Sorry but you are wrong.

I have dated TONS of wealthy men and been bored to tears or just straight up annoyed by most.

I admire and am drawn to successful men - PERIOD. Money has nothing to do with love.

He didn't say it had to do with his love for him.

And you should have told the whole story in your first post...you made it sound like it was just an innocent gesture on your part to give the gift back....now you say is was in revenge.....LOL.

 

[biteme]

Sorry but you are wrong.

I have dated TONS of wealthy men and been bored to tears or just straight up annoyed by most.

I admire and am drawn to successful men - PERIOD. Money has nothing to do with love.

I am successful at playing marbles. Does that count?

 

[mountain muscle]

Werd...quiestion 1: did you like the gift?
2...If you did accept, he won't expect anything in return, at least from the posts you made about him previously. You very much like this guy, He is just looking for another way to express his feelings for you girl.
Accept it graciously6, don't look for underlying meanings, except maybe...wow... he does really care for me.
Would you feel the same way if he sent say, 5 dozens roses to your work with a little note that said," Just thinking of the girl I can't get off my mind, have a great day can't wait to see you.
The cost isn't important, the feeling is. Talk to him about it accept the gift and continue with your great relationship girl. Best of luck.

 

[Scotsman]

Accepting a gift does not make one a gold digger..
Expecting one does.

Exactly.

Besides why wait until you are in a relationship to try and buy someone's love. A golddigger wouldn't have still been around at this point.


Werd- Truly the gift means nothing in this situation. Id could have cost 10 cents or $10,000. it was the idea that you rejected something he wanted you to have.

Cheers,
Scotsman

 

[Y_lifter]

Also consider the financial relativity factor..

Someone that is Middle income buy her woman a $100 gift.. No biggie
In relation to Richie Rich's income, that would be a much more higher amount, right?

So, $100-$200 is an average casual gift to some
But to him, maybe $2,000-$5000 is an average range gift.

Woman, you need to start taking qualudes or something and chill

 

[Jimsbbc]

Let him spend his money, besides what good is having it if you can't spend it on the person you love? I almost got in trouble for a present that i bought on a week long trip that she had been wanting so i understand some of these posts.

 

[Code]

This is pretty dramatic girl.

Here's the skinny on men:
1.) A gift means he loves you. You're required to keep it, but not required to use/wear it.

2.) Saying "Nothing's wrong", almost always means nothing is wrong.

3.) Sometimes sex is about stress relief, if it is don't expect kisses and cuddles.

4.) Looking at a hottie doesn't mean we're cheaters. It just means she's a hottie.

5.) We don't go on dates just to score, but it would be nice if we got some.

6.) Kissing is intimate, please have a clean mouth.

7.) Yes, we turn out underwear inside out to get one more day out of it. Deal.

8.) Helping out around the house is mandatory for both of us, but it doesn't come natural to men so ask for help if we're sitting on the couch wearing nothing but inside-out underwear.

9.) Don't mock our sports channel and our video games and we won't mock your TLC and Dirty Dancing DVD.

10.) Don't expect us to watch TLC and we won't expect you to watch The Speed Network.

I am at a loss here.

Men go on and on about how women are golddigging bitches, blah, blah, blah...

I DIDNT ASK FOR AND NEITHER DO I WANT EXPENSIVE GIFTS.

The guy said some things that were out of line (and he knew it) he raised his voice to me *a tad* - we were both understress and I did the only thing that felt right - gave the expensive gift back.

I am not a gold digger. I pay my own bills.

I also explained quite delicately and effectively that I love HIM and not his money. PERIOD. I would constantly thank him for how well he treats me and tell him how much I love him and how glad I am that he loves ME and my kids.

How ON EARTH could anyone wrap so much emotion into a MATERIAL THING?!

IT WAS A THING THAT HE PURCHASED IN THE STORE! HELLO!!!!!

He said that he understood and even laughed at me a bit on the phone and said, "It was a gift FOR YOU and you can NOT return it.... YOU HAVE ME AND THE 'STUFF'" Now go to sleep LOL... we will talk in the morning.

Then I wake to a cold email. I mean BAD - OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE.

BECAUSE I WOULDNT ACCEPT HIM BEING MEAN TO ME FOR A FRUSTRATING SITCH BROUGHT ON BY HIM NOT TELLING ME THAT HE NEEDED QUIET IN ORDER TO GET SOME WORK DONE THAT HE NEEDED TO DO UNDER A DEADLINE?!?!?!... I DESERVE TO BE BITCHED OUT?....

Men are the one with mental problems.

I am the ULTIMATELY NON-GOLD DIGGER as faithful as a fucking sheepdog - loving till the bitter end - and STILL.... I fucked up?!

*shakes head*


ok



(Yes, I am more than just a bit frustrated here as I am getting many different messages from peeps about this. Honestly I am FLOORED at the replies here.)




And as for being sexually satisfied - I am BEYOND.

And though the gift was VERY expensive to him it was not such a big expenditure so let us put it in perspective.

 

[Werd]

NO - it was NOT intended as a slap in the face....

Only a way of saying YOU DONT OWN ME - HOW DARE YOU HURT MY FEELINGS LIKE THAT.

I was justified. He was mean to me...

And let me ask this. What if the gift was NOT expensive, would it matter then? Or what if the gift was not of great monetary value?

A guy who is so wealthy that he doesn't have to work isnt exactly going to have to slave and save for 20 months for something that most guys would. So does that change things??

 

[Fragadelic]

Wait a second - so basically you're saying that it's possible that someone could concieveably care about me without me having to give them something!?!?!? WTF kind of BS is that!?

 

[Werd]

Wait a second - so basically you're saying that it's possible that someone could concieveably care about me without me having to give them something!?!?!? WTF kind of BS is that!?

Finally, a guy who *got* it.

 

[Code]

See, you didn't preface this by saying the gift was a make-up gift.

Men give make-up gifts not to OWN you, but to ensure the mistake won't haunt them in the future.

If you accept a make-up gift, it means you can never use the mistake against him. So he's just pissed that his make-up gift caused a need for more make-up gifts......

NO - it was NOT intended as a slap in the face....

Only a way of saying YOU DONT OWN ME - HOW DARE YOU HURT MY FEELINGS LIKE THAT.

I was justified. He was mean to me...

And let me ask this. What if the gift was NOT expensive, would it matter then? Or what if the gift was not of great monetary value?

A guy who is so wealthy that he doesn't have to work isnt exactly going to have to slave and save for 20 months for something that most guys would. So does that change things??

 

[DrunkenKnight]

Well, He bought you the gift he is thinking...Oh boy she is going to be so happy, I can't wait to see her face when she opens it. If that didn't happen then he thinks
that is a nice way to say " I really like you but as a friend" . No man wants to hear that.

 

[GoldenDelicious]

PS - it WAS a special occasion.

It was my birthday.

I didn't return the gift until one week later when he was mean to me.

that was a nasty thing to do imo. if you were so concerned about the cost of the gift and the implications accepting it would ahve on his perception of your character, you would have declined immediately, or at the very least, you would have declined it at some stage because of the motives you mentioned

but you didnt do that. you returned it when you were upset at something, which to me says that you are perfectly alright with ruining his gift to you, and the thought he put into it, by using it as a weapon against him.

bad form. even if your motives are pure (and you havnt elaborated) and you returned it when emotions were running high, it was extremely bad form.

 

[strongsmartsexy]

Your girl returns an extremely expensive gift to you because she felt you hurt her feelings (no drama involved - she just left it on your nightstand) and when she tells you about it later she only keeps repeating that she loves and wants YOU and not "expensive stuff".

How would you, as the man feel about this?

You make your man a huge dinner that takes you all day to prepare for him. He gets home and tells you that he loves you, but he really wants to go get Micky Ds tonight...

 

[Carmen]

See, you didn't preface this by saying the gift was a make-up gift.

Men give make-up gifts not to OWN you, but to ensure the mistake won't haunt them in the future.

If you accept a make-up gift, it means you can never use the mistake against him. So he's just pissed that his make-up gift caused a need for more make-up gifts......

i don't think it was a make-up gift. if i'm correct, he gave her the gift a while ago.
werd... you said he snapped at you but barely raised his voice? that doesn't sound horribly mean unless its not the whole story. if it was, then returning something he thought you liked was a slap in the face, not a statement that he doesn't own you.

 

[toga22]

Please note this thread as the reason why I refuse to date any longer. Thank you and good day.

The story has seemed to change a bit... He might not look at you as being a "gold- digger" but you seem to have a lot of issues with the idea of him having money..

You are creating your own drama here...

 

[Dial_tone]

You make your man a huge dinner that takes you all day to prepare for him. He gets home and tells you that he loves you, but he really wants to go get Micky Ds tonight...

I like Mickey D's and Sizzler.

 

[Forge]

PS - it WAS a special occasion.

It was my birthday.

I didn't return the gift until one week later when he was mean to me.

WOW. That is one HELL of a statement you made there:

"I'm still angry at you, so I won't accept your expensive birthday present."

You may not have said those words, but your actions spoke them loud and clear.

 

[mountain muscle]

Finally, a guy who *got* it.

Werd, sweetheart. Something was going on with you if it was your bday, and you returned it a week later. No worries girl Talk ouy the troubles. Appreciate the gesture. You say you don't care about how much money he has but returning an expensive gift from him says otherwise, even more so a week later. DRAMA....forget this word. You love this guy don't use material things as weapons. Love him back and talk out what is bothering you .

 

[biteme]

Well, this was probably a mistake I made when I was married. My ex use to like to surprise me with little gifts. I have always been very frugal and financially responsible, if it's something I don't need, I see it as a waste of money and I think about all the starving children and think what a fucking waste. Instead of acting all surprised and happy, I would tell her, "Thank you baby, but I really didn't need that, can I take it back. That was very sweet though." That response never went very well with her. I thought after a couple of times that she would get the hint. BUt she came from a very materialistic family and that's one thing that contributed to our demise.

 

[HumorMe]

WOW. That is one HELL of a statement you made there:

"I'm still angry at you, so I won't accept your expensive birthday present."

You may not have said those words, but your actions spoke them loud and clear.

I was wondering if anybody else saw that post!

Taking it back under those circumstances says more than words could ever say.

 

[Code]

Ok, I need to roll back all of my previous statements.
Now correct me if I'm wrong but the situation is as such:

He gave you a birfday present.
You accepted it.
You guys fought a week later.
You returned the gift.

That is WRONG WRONG WRONG.
First of all, it's a birthday present.
Secondly, you'd already accepted it.
And when the going gets a *wee* bit rough you start returning gifts?

Sounds like whenever things are going to go badly for the two of you, you will be be attempting to undo part of the relationship to avoid the pain of losing him.

If you accepted it, you need to make good on all this drama.

Here are a couple suggestions:

1.) Explain you were a fucktard for trying to return the gift well after having accepted it. Then explain ways he can avoid you totally mis-reading the gameplay making shit worse than it was originally. Give him a "care and feeding of Werd" document to refer to frenquently. List on it things that make you become irrational and angry.

2.) Apologize until you're red in the face. Be naked and slathered in body oil.

3.) Apologize. Strip naked. Make him a dinner, put the channel on Monday Night Football. Serve him cold beer and freshen up his nuts (both beer and otherwise) every so often.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

This is pretty dramatic girl.

Here's the skinny on men:
1.) A gift means he loves you. You're required to keep it, but not required to use/wear it.

2.) Saying "Nothing's wrong", almost always means nothing is wrong.

3.) Sometimes sex is about stress relief, if it is don't expect kisses and cuddles.

4.) Looking at a hottie doesn't mean we're cheaters. It just means she's a hottie.

5.) We don't go on dates just to score, but it would be nice if we got some.

6.) Kissing is intimate, please have a clean mouth.

7.) Yes, we turn out underwear inside out to get one more day out of it. Deal.

8.) Helping out around the house is mandatory for both of us, but it doesn't come natural to men so ask for help if we're sitting on the couch wearing nothing but inside-out underwear.

9.) Don't mock our sports channel and our video games and we won't mock your TLC and Dirty Dancing DVD.

10.) Don't expect us to watch TLC and we won't expect you to watch The Speed Network.

You should teach a course on this stuff!

 

[bluepeter]

On another note, we are all the way up to 3455 unreadable drama posts.

 

[jh1]

OMG you are so friggin dramatic about EVERYTHING...

You admited you didn't give it back until a week later after he was 'MEAN' to you... cry me a river... your actions were intended to make a statement...

Good god...

 

[jackangel]

List on it things that make you become irrational and angry.

Use both sides of the page, and additional paper, as necessary.

 

[coverguy]

i would be a little upset. he obviously wanted to get you what he did (unless you repeatedly bugged him for it; which i doubt you did.) sometimes we don't or can't express ourselves the way we want to and turn to a gift or action that puts a smile on your face instead. we love to see you smile and be happy, especially when we cause that smile/happiness.

 

[Nathan]

To prevent this problem from ever happening, what I do is just never have any money. That way, when birthdays and crap come around I conveniently fuck off and buy nothing. Bear in mind, however, that I am inept and this could be the reason I currently do not have a gf. I guess what I'm trying to say is at least somebody had the maturity and cared enough to buy you something bearing YOU in mind.

 

[jerseyart]

Personally I think Chef's resposne was likely the closest to the truth. I've already expressed my thoughts to you in private.

I think leaving the gift was not good, albeit more well intentioned than is immediately clear from what you have written on this thread. I can see why people have reacted the way they have not understanding the full story.

I can understand a hurt response on his part, it is the extremeness of the response I find hard to comprehend, especially given the relative insignificance of the episode and lack of prior history.

 

[Y_lifter]

 

[bluepeter]

http://stopthedrama.com/STD_embossed12_Lgtgreen.jpg/img][/QUOTE]

You screwed up the link but all that was needed was to read

stopthedrama.com

 

[Y_lifter]

You screwed up the link but all that was needed was to read

stopthedrama.com

fixed

 

[beastboy]

The story has seemed to change a bit... He might not look at you as being a "gold- digger" but you seem to have a lot of issues with the idea of him having money..

You are creating your own drama here...

You are so smart!

 

[Smurfy]

damn girl i thought this was the relationship of the century. i mean it hasent even been long, and now all this drama pops off.

i hope things work out for you. and i hope someday things can be relatively PEACEFUL for you and your children.

 

[strangebrew]

Rofl. Code is so right about everything.

 

[HumorMe]

damn girl i thought this was the relationship of the century. i mean it hasent even been long, and now all this drama pops off.

 

[crew9]

Talk about a childish, dramatic kick in the balls. Damnit werd fix things

 

[Werd]

For some reason, this computer is all fucked up and I can't quote anyone:

Jersey said it best:

Re: WTF do men want?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Personally I think Chef's resposne was likely the closest to the truth. I've already expressed my thoughts to you in private.

(Chef's responses in PM's - not what is printed publicly.)

I think leaving the gift was not good, albeit more well intentioned than is immediately clear from what you have written on this thread. I can see why people have reacted the way they have not understanding the full story.

I can understand a hurt response on his part, it is the extremeness of the response I find hard to comprehend, especially given the relative insignificance of the episode and lack of prior history.

******

I left a lot of details out in all fairness to everyone who posted. However, I can understand a lot of what everyone is saying.

I look at material things totally differently than many peeps do.

This "drama" was not created by me. It was created by HIM. I returned some jewelry and all he would have had to do was say, "Hello! YOU JUST HURT MY FEELINGS... AND THIS IS WHY." I would have listened, we could have talked it out and laughed about it later... just like EVERY OTHER TIME WHEN I DID OR SAID or HE DID OR SAID SOMETHING THAT HURT THE OTHERS' FEELINGS.

He reacted in a way that was waaaaaaaaaaaay disproportional to the "offense" that I committed when I returned the jewelry.... AND COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER FOR HIM.

As I said I kept a lot of the details private. I only broched surface issues as that is all I wanted to share.

I can see how what I did could have been misconstrued and how it could have honestly hurt his feelings very badly. HOWEVER, I was not malicious and certainly did not warrant abusive emails.

My counselor asked me if I was afraid when he raised his voice to me. I had to think about it to be honest. My honest answer is: "I was as close to being afraid of someone as I care to ever get."

Is any of this seeming any clearer to anyone?

I DID apologize for being overly sensitive perhaps to him having raised his voice to me (which was TOTALLY unwarranted).

I have to admit. I am totally floored by the responses and I can clearly see NOW where my actions were incorrect and could have hurt his feelings. But there are much larger issues here that I am not being forthcoming about. Jersey knows and Chefwide knows...

I have got a lot of other stuff before me now so I am not going to do anything about this right now.

My therapist actually said that his reaction to my giving back the gift was a "blessing in disguise".... In other words perhaps a very clear sign for me to get out before it gets deeper.

It's all good either way. I havent decided whether or not I am done with this and I dont have to just yet. I love and care for him very deeply and am greatly saddened that I hurt him HOWEVER I will not apologize for standing up for myself OR accept his reaction to my returning the gift. What I did may not have been right. But what he did was downright abusive....

Time will help to make things more clear.

Thank you guys for your input. It really helped me.

 

[Code]

Hopefully, *HE* takes this as a clear sign.

Girlfriend, you're ok in my book. But my book is fucked up.

The level of drama you bring to the table (albeit unintended) is Beyond acceptable ofr any functional, sane relationship.

Keep going to the counselor. Stop dating until you feel like you can cope with someone raising their voice at you.

In other words perhaps a very clear sign for me to get out before it gets deeper.

.

 

[Werd]

Code, I authored you a bigass long detailed PM where the holes were left here and it fucking disappeared. DAMMIT!

Chefwide, Jersey and my therapist all agreed that there is a HYUGE problem here and it is not me.

I am not disputing that I my actions though not malicious didnt hurt his feelings. The problem was his reaction which was totally out of line... I mean WAAAAAY out of line. I returned some jewelry honestly not realizing it would hurt him so badly. I dont place a paramount on material things. And yes, I DO have issues with the fact that he has so much money. I never denied that. And yes, I AM sensitive to being yelled at. Someone only needs to be yelled at and beaten down once to fear escalation. Unfortunately when this has happened to you you entire life at the hands of people that were supposed to have loved and cared about you, you dont magically get over that overnight.

I have issues. Who amongst us doesn't? My behavior was totally understandable given the circumstances. HIS WAS NOT.

So now I have two options.

Either cut him loose without any more communication and chalk it up to that he decieved me very well for months.

of

Just chill and try to find a way for us to work this out.

I want to very badly, but I fear (as do those who have the full picture) that no matter how badly I want to, it just might not be possible as there is nothing I can do. I can only be responsible for me.

I ask these questions because I want very much to understand others. It takes TWO to be in a relationship. It isn't "me me me".

I have a very hard time standing up for myself and also trusting people. He knew this from the getco just as I knew about some of his issues. The question now is do I cut my losses because I cant do anything to help him and his issues or do I try to find a way to help salvage shit and make things better so we can become a solid family.

This is about way more than just a bit of someone raising their voice and the other person returning a gift.

I have no trouble eating humble pie and assuming responsible for hurting the feelings of someone I love. As a matter of fact I am ALWAYS THE FIRST TO SAY I AM SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I DIDNT MEAN TO HURT YOU.

My issue is will it do any good if the person I am apologizing to is incapable of realizing that THEY were really REALLY out of line.

 

[B0ARDIN087]

NO - it was NOT intended as a slap in the face....

Only a way of saying YOU DONT OWN ME - HOW DARE YOU HURT MY FEELINGS LIKE THAT.

I was justified. He was mean to me...

And let me ask this. What if the gift was NOT expensive, would it matter then? Or what if the gift was not of great monetary value?

A guy who is so wealthy that he doesn't have to work isnt exactly going to have to slave and save for 20 months for something that most guys would. So does that change things??

so wait, u got in a fight and pouted like a little girl, then returned a gift to try to make him feel bad, YOU SAY YOURSELF that you returned the gift becuz he was mean to me. when my 10 year old littler sister fights with my other sister and hits her thats her same excuse. please grow the hell up.

 

[Werd]

so wait, u got in a fight and pouted like a little girl, then returned a gift to try to make him feel bad, YOU SAY YOURSELF that you returned the gift becuz he was mean to me. when my 10 year old littler sister fights with my other sister and hits her thats her same excuse. please grow the hell up.

Ummmm darlin' in case you didn't realize that "he was mean" to me was hardly something like "She's looking at me - make her stop."

It had to do with him raising his voice at me because he was under pressure to get work done THAT HE NEVER ONCE TOLD ME OF my kids were making noise and he got annoyed that we were still there.

Had he mentioned JUST ONCE "Honey, I really have to get this done tomorrow." or even in early AM "Honey I am so sad to see you and the kids go, but I need to be able to concentrate." Whether my children were OUR children or not is irrelevant. I would have IMMEDIATELY done the proper thing and made sure that we left after breakfast. Instead he let himself get all stressed never once telling me what was going on and then lost it on me when we weren't ready to leave yet.

HE NEVER ONCE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD THIS WORK TO DO.




But I should "grow up." ok


I even told him later that night that though he hurt my feelings I realize that it has been awhile since he was in a committed relationship and even far longer since there were little kids in the house. So I did understand, it still hurt my feelings though. And that in the future we would have to communicate better so that the children would not be cramping his style when he had serious business to attend to. My children are most important to me and I would never EVER knowingly put them in a sitch where they would be upsetting someone intentionally by "just being kids".

He was waaaaaay outta line.

Not saying that what I did was right. But his reaction was even worse.

 

[B0ARDIN087]

no the thing is, u contradict yourself saying u just left the gift there to politely return it. everyone fights, EVERYONE. you need to used to this REAL fast or hes going to get out of the relationship even faster. I dont care if he was out of line, returning a gift is a physical act and hurts alot more then saying something mean to him. maybe you dont understand that but its very true. you ask everyone for advice here and 15 guys reinforce what he did, then u basicly say we all wrong and u are right, ur worse at taking advice and critique then fxyfuck

 

[Werd]

Um no I never said that I was politely returning it. I was crying when I left it. I said it was a strong statement but not one that was intentionally mean.

And actually all the peeps that have all the facts (and I am not upset with anyone who isn't in possession of them - there are just some parts of this story that I do not wish to have out in the open. I posted that previously) agree... THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY WRONG HERE.... and though I am not lilly-white - THE SOMETHING REALLY WRONG AINT ME.

I only posted the small part about the gift because I truly did not understand this point of view about how it could have hurt him so badly. Many many peeps have articulated how this could have been the case and because of these posts I admitted that his hurt was understandable for my having returned the gift, as was MY behavior. Given the circumstances, neither of these actions were "right" certainly but there WERE understandable. The larger problem is how this all came to pass and what the end result was. This is the part that I will not post up as it serves no usefull purpose.

All I wanted to understand was how he could have been so hurt over me returning a gift. Because so many people gave me insight as to how this could be, I now do.

So how is it that I do not listen to advice or that I need to grow up?

 

[strangebrew]

This thread makes me realize how lucky I am.

Thanks.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

I think some people that don't know Werd that well can't read between the lines in some of her posts and threads of late. I think I got it and all I can say is I wish you the best and nothing but happiness. With or without him your a strong woman and will come out shinning brighter then ever.

 

[jerseyart]

Um no I never said that I was politely returning it. I was crying when I left it. I said it was a strong statement but not one that was intentionally mean.

And actually all the peeps that have all the facts (and I am not upset with anyone who isn't in possession of them - there are just some parts of this story that I do not wish to have out in the open. I posted that previously) agree... THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY WRONG HERE.... and though I am not lilly-white - THE SOMETHING REALLY WRONG AINT ME.

I only posted the small part about the gift because I truly did not understand this point of view about how it could have hurt him so badly. Many many peeps have articulated how this could have been the case and because of these posts I admitted that his hurt was understandable for my having returned the gift, as was MY behavior. Given the circumstances, neither of these actions were "right" certainly but there WERE understandable. The larger problem is how this all came to pass and what the end result was. This is the part that I will not post up as it serves no usefull purpose.

All I wanted to understand was how he could have been so hurt over me returning a gift. Because so many people gave me insight as to how this could be, I now do.

So how is it that I do not listen to advice or that I need to grow up?

You do realize your discussing this topic with a high school virgin?

 

[Ulcasterdropout]

I'd be upset

 

[Nathan]

I'm just gonna chime in with my opinion because, frankly, it's every bit as valid as the rest of yours and you guys fucking know it. Anyways, my advice, in all its fallibility, is to RELAX. Why don't you just sit down and talk with the guy? Start the whole thing off by saying something positive about him and your relationship that will make him want to listen and then take it from there. If the dude still wants to fight about shit, then he's a dick. If he's a nice guy and all that jazz, then he probably wants to talk things through rationally and calmly, just like you do. He would be willing to do what it takes to make you happy, and you should be willing to do the same thing. Not to be rude, but this whole thing sounds really fucking stupid. I don't blame you for not wanting extravagant gifts - it would make me uncomfortable personally if some dude bought me something pretty (unless it was flowers because I LOVE flowers). But it's not like he's lying to you or fucking your best friend or anything. I barely qualify as an adult (as far as I'm concerned) and I'd feel like a complete retard if I fucked a relationship up over something as stupid as someone buying me something because they care about me. I don't know the whole story though, so I could be way off here. The unfortunate thing is, however, that he is not here to defend himself which makes painting an accurate picture even more difficult.

 

[supersizeme]

who broke the nathan??

 

[Werd]

I'm just gonna chime in with my opinion because, frankly, it's every bit as valid as the rest of yours and you guys fucking know it. Anyways, my advice, in all its fallibility, is to RELAX. Why don't you just sit down and talk with the guy? Start the whole thing off by saying something positive about him and your relationship that will make him want to listen and then take it from there. If the dude still wants to fight about shit, then he's a dick. If he's a nice guy and all that jazz, then he probably wants to talk things through rationally and calmly, just like you do. He would be willing to do what it takes to make you happy, and you should be willing to do the same thing. Not to be rude, but this whole thing sounds really fucking stupid. I don't blame you for not wanting extravagant gifts - it would make me uncomfortable personally if some dude bought me something pretty (unless it was flowers because I LOVE flowers). But it's not like he's lying to you or fucking your best friend or anything. I barely qualify as an adult (as far as I'm concerned) and I'd feel like a complete retard if I fucked a relationship up over something as stupid as someone buying me something because they care about me. I don't know the whole story though, so I could be way off here. The unfortunate thing is, however, that he is not here to defend himself which makes painting an accurate picture even more difficult.

Nathan, I agree with everything you said. That is what makes this all the more bizaare.

If we can work it out - GREAT.

If not,

C'est la vie.

I think we both need several days to cool off. I just dont want to make the mistake of ignoring somehting that could be a potentially HYUGE problem (and no, I am not talking about someone "being mean" to me for fucks sake) nor do I want to let something amazing slip away because of stubborn stupidity.

What will be, will be.

 

[hanselthecaretaker]

I have never met a girl who doesn't like material things. On top of the physical love a man wants to give a girl, he knows she likes material possessions as well, and wants to provide her with them(when she's been good ); so refusing it either means

A. You know better than he that he can't afford it and that he doesn't need to do this for you for the time being. IE, you're looking out for his well being, showing you care about him and where the two of you are going in the relationship,

or

B. You have something to hide, and feel guilty accepting this gift.

A. He should understand
B. You should fess up, lest you really want to hurt his feelings. He'll think more of you in the end(provided he's not one of those crazy fucks).
Hope this helped.

 

[Forge]

This is about way more than just a bit of someone raising their voice and the other person returning a gift.

Well, it sounds like there is more to the situation than you've posted here, maybe if I had the full story I would change my opinion and agree with you. But from what I've read here I still think you over-reacted.

In any case, you've been in bad situations before and toughed it out, you know how to handle yourself, I'd say go with your gut feeling and do what you have to. If you really think the relationship is in danger over this then you must have a good reason.

Good luck.

 

[Nathan]

who broke the nathan??

I also don't know what the hell happened.

 

[spongebob]

Your girl returns an extremely expensive gift to you because she felt you hurt her feelings (no drama involved - she just left it on your nightstand) and when she tells you about it later she only keeps repeating that she loves and wants YOU and not "expensive stuff".

How would you, as the man feel about this?

id be like, "hell yea" the bitch isnt materialistic. she would immediately get put to the front of the rotation.

 

[Werd]

I have never met a girl who doesn't like material things. On top of the physical love a man wants to give a girl, he knows she likes material possessions as well, and wants to provide her with them(when she's been good ); so refusing it either means

A. You know better than he that he can't afford it and that he doesn't need to do this for you for the time being. IE, you're looking out for his well being, showing you care about him and where the two of you are going in the relationship,

or

B. You have something to hide, and feel guilty accepting this gift.

A. He should understand
B. You should fess up, lest you really want to hurt his feelings. He'll think more of you in the end(provided he's not one of those crazy fucks).
Hope this helped.

A - He can BEYOND afford it. To him it was pennies spent. But I didnt ask for nor do I NEED "things". I constantly praise and thank him for how good he is to me - ie - HOW HE TREATS ME WITH HIS WORDS AND DEEDS. It was just as easy for him to buy the "thing" as it was for me to return it. But at the end of the day how difficult is it to admit you were wrong and swallow your pride and say you are sorry.... or to put the needs of another before your own needs. It is the thoughts and deed and words that I value - NOT THINGS.

B - Though I am not perfect I do not make a habit of "wronging" people (male or female) maliciously. We are all human and many of us have suffered through moments that in retrospect we are anything but proud of.

When I realize that I hurt another, the pain of knowing that someone is suffering because of something that I did or said whether it was intentional or just plain a misunderstanding IT KILLS ME. Even if my enemy is suffering it brings me ZERO PLEASURE. I just dont work that way. I am an extremely empathetic and compassionate person.

I am human and I make mistakes and have feelings often times that I am not proud of but in the end I always just wish for my enemies to leave me be. I take no pleasure in the suffering of others... As a matter of fact, I even feel badly when I find it does happen.

This thread has been most helpful to me. Thanks so much to everyone for bouncing ideas at me. Though I am grown I am relatively inexperienced when it comes to relationships as I married so young.

 

[Werd]

Well, it sounds like there is more to the situation than you've posted here, maybe if I had the full story I would change my opinion and agree with you. But from what I've read here I still think you over-reacted.

In any case, you've been in bad situations before and toughed it out, you know how to handle yourself, I'd say go with your gut feeling and do what you have to. If you really think the relationship is in danger over this then you must have a good reason.

Good luck.

Thanks Forge... I appreciate your thoughts and opinions.

There is more to it - a lot more. But I am chilling and just waiting to see what the tide brings. I have so much other stuff (waaaaaaay more important than "fighting with a boyfriend" stuff) to attend to that with each passing day this seems less and less important.

I haven't clue one what his thoughts are... when (and if) he wants to share them with me, we will talk. If not then, oh well. If two people want to rectify a situation (and this is about way more than jewelry obviously) then they will. There is absolutely no barrier that is insurmountable as long as two people want to rise to the challenge - TOGETHER.

At least this is what I believe.

 

[Werd]

id be like, "hell yea" the bitch isnt materialistic. she would immediately get put to the front of the rotation.

Another man *got it*.

Now just imagine that you are a multimillionare and women dont even TRY to hide the fact that they are after your funds....

 

[bluepeter]

:repeatedly banging head against wall:

Werd=BBF?

 

[Forge]

I haven't clue one what his thoughts are... when (and if) he wants to share them with me, we will talk. If not then, oh well. If two people want to rectify a situation (and this is about way more than jewelry obviously) then they will. There is absolutely no barrier that is insurmountable as long as two people want to rise to the challenge - TOGETHER.

At least this is what I believe.

EXACTLY. This is the reason why my marriage failed. I was willing to talk about our problems so we could work them out, but she wasn't. She bottles things up inside instead of talking about them, where I want to talk everything through. Two different viewpoints that just aren't compatible in the long run. Relationships work as long as both people WANT it to work.

You say you aren't experienced when it comes to relationships, yet my wife who is 41 years old could learn a thing or two about them from you. Don't sell yourself short, Werd.

 

[Werd]

:repeatedly banging head against wall:

Werd=BBF?

LOL your comment is relevant how?

 

[Werd]

EXACTLY. This is the reason why my marriage failed. I was willing to talk about our problems so we could work them out, but she wasn't. She bottles things up inside instead of talking about them, where I want to talk everything through. Two different viewpoints that just aren't compatible in the long run. Relationships work as long as both people WANT it to work.

You say you aren't experienced when it comes to relationships, yet my wife who is 41 years old could learn a thing or two about them from you. Don't sell yourself short, Werd.

Thanks Forge.... that was sweet.

 

[fistfullofsteel]

I want some Velvett. I want lots of Velvett.

 

[strongsmartsexy]

I'm going to describe something that has been useful with my current relationship. If this doesn't apply to you, just pass on by.

Think of moving along a relationship as walking along a path that you're building as you go. Each time you put down a paver, you can now walk on that paver. Falling off the path is a bad thing. So, you're doing your best to keep one another on the relational path.

Often instead of laying down a paver with me, my wife will dig a hole, which I have to fill back up again in order for us to lay down a paver. I call these things TESTS. I'm not often aware I'm taking a test until I've failed the test I wasn't aware I was taking to begin with. Fight occurs here. So, now that I know I've not only taken the test and failed, but now I'm expected to FILL in the hole that she dug to begin with before we can lay down the paver. Note that this cycle can occur many times. At some point she'll even go back to a previous paver, remove it and redig the hole. This I often refer to as drama.

It's very difficult to keep placing pavers to move relationships forward if one of the parties is constantly digging holes that have to be filled again before placing the paver. You also have to make sure that the pavers you're laying down don't run you around in circles. This is better known as picking up old baggage/garbage. It's a bit like tossing out food after dinner that you're not going to eat, only to dig it back up again and have it the next day for breakfast/lunch/dinner.

You can spend time growing a relationship and extending the path, or you can spend time running in circles, replacing pavers, tearing up pavers that have to be replaced again. At some point one or the other goes elsewhere to start building a path with a more suitable companion for path building...

 

[Carmen]

I'm going to describe something that has been useful with my current relationship. If this doesn't apply to you, just pass on by.

Think of moving along a relationship as walking along a path that you're building as you go. Each time you put down a paver, you can now walk on that paver. Falling off the path is a bad thing. So, you're doing your best to keep one another on the relational path.

Often instead of laying down a paver with me, my wife will dig a hole, which I have to fill back up again in order for us to lay down a paver. I call these things TESTS. I'm not often aware I'm taking a test until I've failed the test I wasn't aware I was taking to begin with. Fight occurs here. So, now that I know I've not only taken the test and failed, but now I'm expected to FILL in the hole that she dug to begin with before we can lay down the paver. Note that this cycle can occur many times. At some point she'll even go back to a previous paver, remove it and redig the hole. This I often refer to as drama.

It's very difficult to keep placing pavers to move relationships forward if one of the parties is constantly digging holes that have to be filled again before placing the paver. You also have to make sure that the pavers you're laying down don't run you around in circles. This is better known as picking up old baggage/garbage. It's a bit like tossing out food after dinner that you're not going to eat, only to dig it back up again and have it the next day for breakfast/lunch/dinner.

You can spend time growing a relationship and extending the path, or you can spend time running in circles, replacing pavers, tearing up pavers that have to be replaced again. At some point one or the other goes elsewhere to start building a path with a more suitable companion for path building...

Good thoughts, SSS.
Werd- people here only know what you tell us, so if someone calls you a drama queen (i can't remember if it was on this thread or another one as i type this), please keep in mind that most of your posts for the past few weeks have mentioned how in love you are, what a wonderful, caring man you now have, how your kids want you to marry him, how you feel like a princess and how sexually satisfying he is. Those things are great, and you should be happy and i'm glad you are. this recent incident- all you've said is that 'he was mean to me' and that he seems to have barked at you, or gotten a little short because he was busy. nobody here knows what he said, but you did say he barely raised his voice at you, while he was trying to work and your children were bothering him apparently (as kids do- not their fault obviously). In response, you returned a gift he gave you the previous week and although you said there was no drama involved, you also said you were crying when you returned it and that you wanted to show him you can't be 'owned'. As far as what people read here, thats overreaction and drama. a lot of it.
obviously you know more to the situation than anyone, but if thats all you allow people to read about- thats the reaction you're going to get. maybe chef and jersey don't see it as overly dramatic because they know more to the story, but nobody else does.
you were obviously so in love with this man that you could barely post without saying it. and maybe he was a real pig for a few minutes- stressed, overworked, tired, whatever. you haven't had a man treat you as well as he had in a long time, according to you... maybe he deserved some slack and not this dramatic ending of the relationship?

 

[tokyosportsjp]

just take the gift,thank him for his gesture,tell him honestly how you feel about him and his gift and shut the fuck up.