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TheProject
New member
Val, I'm sorry you're going through that. Can't imagine how hard that must be for you.
I think NB's plan sounds pretty good. Worth a shot at any rate.
I think NB's plan sounds pretty good. Worth a shot at any rate.
The Shit Hits the Fan....
- Thread starter Big Brother Val
- Start date
THeMaCHinE
New member
Big Brother Val said:
She's lying about it for several reasons. Firstly and primarily, she sees you as a threat. She wants to irreperably damage your relationship with her husband so that she is the only one to have influence.
Two, she may very well be cheating. He may suspect it. And she doesn't want to divulge her real lover's identity.
Three, she is "paying you back" for calling the cops.
Four, she may want to sleep with you and is frustrated you won't bite.
Five, she can use this situation to deflect attention from the real problems in her marriage.
Six, she wants to HURT her husband that is about to divorce her. She wants to HURT him bad -- and damn innocent bystanders.
One observation, in general, that you may pass on to your girl is that those who lie often do so based on a justification. Because the justification is not grounded in reality, the logic behind doing what they're doing cannot be discovered -- because there is none. It's all based on lies, and as such, you will drive yourself crazy asking why, seeking logic... There is no why, there is no logic...
TEXgrl
New member
What you are going thru really sucks. i can't believe your friends girl did that, or actually i can, some women are just fucked up like that. if it was me, both her and your pal would be out of my life for good. i'd tell them both, do what you want to each other, but leave me the hell out of it. your friend is a lousy friend if he doesn't believe you over her. she obviously has some serious issues.
now, your girl has some problems too, if she is unwilling to listen to anything you have to say, first of all. Second, to use your CHILD as a way to HURT you is WRONG WRONG WRONG. it not only hurts you, it hurts the child as well.
sorry for everything that you are going thru. i know it hurts to be away from the ones you love.
now, your girl has some problems too, if she is unwilling to listen to anything you have to say, first of all. Second, to use your CHILD as a way to HURT you is WRONG WRONG WRONG. it not only hurts you, it hurts the child as well.
sorry for everything that you are going thru. i know it hurts to be away from the ones you love.
vixenbabe
Classy Skank
Originally posted by Big Brother Val
I love her. She knows that. She even said yesterday that she knew it... but then she threw her defenses back up and said she wanted nothing to do with me... and loving eachother wasn't enough, because all I want is sex, and that I'd get it where I could, with anyone I could.
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Slap me and call me Sherlock(in a sense)...What you said above is sending me a red flag.
Speaking from a woman's point of view...It sounds as if she feels she may have let you down in the sex department. Could she be feeling like she has NOT met your needs and is scared SHE FAILED YOU? Hence, in her mind, she has sent you into the arms of another woman?
Let's face it, we women can play out some wild shit in our minds when faced with issues we KNOW we are weak on! I'll bet this may have more to do with HER than you. She may be feeling like a failure to YOU in HER mind.
She is right in the sense that we ALL can have sex with whom ever we wish.... It's also true that a loving relationship is not as easy!
I love her. She knows that. She even said yesterday that she knew it... but then she threw her defenses back up and said she wanted nothing to do with me... and loving eachother wasn't enough, because all I want is sex, and that I'd get it where I could, with anyone I could.
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Slap me and call me Sherlock(in a sense)...What you said above is sending me a red flag.
Speaking from a woman's point of view...It sounds as if she feels she may have let you down in the sex department. Could she be feeling like she has NOT met your needs and is scared SHE FAILED YOU? Hence, in her mind, she has sent you into the arms of another woman?
Let's face it, we women can play out some wild shit in our minds when faced with issues we KNOW we are weak on! I'll bet this may have more to do with HER than you. She may be feeling like a failure to YOU in HER mind.
She is right in the sense that we ALL can have sex with whom ever we wish.... It's also true that a loving relationship is not as easy!
Hey bro,
Those first two people were NOT your friends. Your lady, if she can't believe you rather than believing every little bit of hearsay that she comes across, shouldn't be your lady. She is insecure and has no trust for you. You don't deserve that. You can't build a relationship without trust. You WILL see your son. The courts will says so. Maybe not as much as you would like, but trust me, that boy will know who you are and what you have done for him. He will grasp it better as he gets older. What is done right now, is the short term, plan for the long term.
Those first two people were NOT your friends. Your lady, if she can't believe you rather than believing every little bit of hearsay that she comes across, shouldn't be your lady. She is insecure and has no trust for you. You don't deserve that. You can't build a relationship without trust. You WILL see your son. The courts will says so. Maybe not as much as you would like, but trust me, that boy will know who you are and what you have done for him. He will grasp it better as he gets older. What is done right now, is the short term, plan for the long term.
Big Brother Val
New member
Thank you so much, everyone.
Machine... I've thought about that. Recording her. But I don't know how. I only have a cell phone, not a home phone, and I wouldn't even know where to look. Your idea on the court thing is a good idea also. My friend actually posted on a website about the whole thing, which is that whole slander/defamation of character bit. With that, I could sue. I'm just not that kind of person. I really thank you for your encouragement. Too bad you don't have an office here in Utah... I think you'd make a good counselor, and someone I would trust.
Nature Boy... I asked if she would, and she said she's already told the truth. My friend's wife is on a rampage right now... I don't know why, really. But they've managed to kill my relationship. I just can't believe it actually worked.
TEXgrl... Thank you. I can understand why she doubts... I mean, that would be hard to hear, and really, why would she have a reason to lie about sleeping with me? If you really think about it, it doesn't make sense to lie about it... which makes it more believeable. I'm sure keeping me from my son won't last long. At least I really hope it won't.
VixenBabe.... I hear what you are saying... but I don't know how she could think she doesn't satisfy me. I really let it be known that she does. Our relationship has had it's problems, and so there is a bit of insecurity in both of us. But this is beyond me. Do you think there's something I can say to her about it? Or a way to ask her the question?
Double A.... I agree. I'm really questioning the friendship. Not because he was hurt... but because of the fact that he tore up my lady with false information, without talking to me about it first. For that, I wanna beat the shit out of him... but then he'd most likely sue me, or get me arrested.
Thank you all for your encouragement.
This really is my only place to talk right now.
Can't go to my best friend, who's really the only guy I hang around with... and I can't go to my lady, because my best friend told lies that he thought was truth to her, and now she doesn't want me anymore.
I did talk to her just a minute ago. Kind of civil... but we just avoid the subject, and talk about the kids. I think that may be step 1... but I don't know. She's still really pissed... but at the same time, it's only been 1 day.
Machine... I've thought about that. Recording her. But I don't know how. I only have a cell phone, not a home phone, and I wouldn't even know where to look. Your idea on the court thing is a good idea also. My friend actually posted on a website about the whole thing, which is that whole slander/defamation of character bit. With that, I could sue. I'm just not that kind of person. I really thank you for your encouragement. Too bad you don't have an office here in Utah... I think you'd make a good counselor, and someone I would trust.
Nature Boy... I asked if she would, and she said she's already told the truth. My friend's wife is on a rampage right now... I don't know why, really. But they've managed to kill my relationship. I just can't believe it actually worked.
TEXgrl... Thank you. I can understand why she doubts... I mean, that would be hard to hear, and really, why would she have a reason to lie about sleeping with me? If you really think about it, it doesn't make sense to lie about it... which makes it more believeable. I'm sure keeping me from my son won't last long. At least I really hope it won't.
VixenBabe.... I hear what you are saying... but I don't know how she could think she doesn't satisfy me. I really let it be known that she does. Our relationship has had it's problems, and so there is a bit of insecurity in both of us. But this is beyond me. Do you think there's something I can say to her about it? Or a way to ask her the question?
Double A.... I agree. I'm really questioning the friendship. Not because he was hurt... but because of the fact that he tore up my lady with false information, without talking to me about it first. For that, I wanna beat the shit out of him... but then he'd most likely sue me, or get me arrested.
Thank you all for your encouragement.
This really is my only place to talk right now.
Can't go to my best friend, who's really the only guy I hang around with... and I can't go to my lady, because my best friend told lies that he thought was truth to her, and now she doesn't want me anymore.
I did talk to her just a minute ago. Kind of civil... but we just avoid the subject, and talk about the kids. I think that may be step 1... but I don't know. She's still really pissed... but at the same time, it's only been 1 day.
THeMaCHinE
New member
Telll your girl that you are not willing to talk to her any further, unless it's strictly about arrangements for the kids, until you can sit down with her and discuss this thing rationally. Maybe even suggest that you go to a marriage counselor together. Clinginess, crying, outward signs of desparation will seem guilty to her -- even though they are really outward experssions of your pain.
Portray yourself in a cool, calm, rational, collected matter to her -- no matter how you feel inside. Be polite, assure her that you love her, that her and the kids are the most important things in your life. Tell her you need some time to think about things, that you need some space. She will likely pursue after time.
Tell her that it hurts you deeply that she is trusting the words of strangers over the word of yourself. That she is not there for you on a personal level while you are dealing with this very dreadful situation. And that she is adding to your hurt and confusion and you're not sure how to take that. After all you have children with her and she's trusting the words of somebody else? Tell her that in your experience the only people willing to do that are guilty about something themselves and that now you doubt whether she has been faithful to you if she's so willing not to believe what you have to say.
Then stick to it. Make sure you get the kids every other day, sleep somewhere else, etc... tough love. This is similar to an apporach advocated by James Dobson, go out and get the book TOUGH LOVE; it also features elements of Plan A/Plan B from Dr. William Harley -- see SURVIVING AN AFFAIR and HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS.
You can turn this situation around and perhaps rattle her a bit. I know it sounds harsh, but she deserves a little grief for giving up on you so easily. Perhaps she needs to know what she'll be missing if she continues along this course. It is a game. And its for keeps.
I know it's distasteful. But sometimes things like this need to be done.
Portray yourself in a cool, calm, rational, collected matter to her -- no matter how you feel inside. Be polite, assure her that you love her, that her and the kids are the most important things in your life. Tell her you need some time to think about things, that you need some space. She will likely pursue after time.
Tell her that it hurts you deeply that she is trusting the words of strangers over the word of yourself. That she is not there for you on a personal level while you are dealing with this very dreadful situation. And that she is adding to your hurt and confusion and you're not sure how to take that. After all you have children with her and she's trusting the words of somebody else? Tell her that in your experience the only people willing to do that are guilty about something themselves and that now you doubt whether she has been faithful to you if she's so willing not to believe what you have to say.
Then stick to it. Make sure you get the kids every other day, sleep somewhere else, etc... tough love. This is similar to an apporach advocated by James Dobson, go out and get the book TOUGH LOVE; it also features elements of Plan A/Plan B from Dr. William Harley -- see SURVIVING AN AFFAIR and HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS.
You can turn this situation around and perhaps rattle her a bit. I know it sounds harsh, but she deserves a little grief for giving up on you so easily. Perhaps she needs to know what she'll be missing if she continues along this course. It is a game. And its for keeps.
I know it's distasteful. But sometimes things like this need to be done.
