Please Scroll Down to See Forums Below 
VeggieLifterChick
New member
I've wrote about my relationship situation before, but for those who haven't seen those threads here's a background summary: boyfriend is away at ranger school for 2 months (done Dec 20), and I haven't been able to speak to him at all except for 2x for 5 mins each time, and we write letters a couple times a week. The relationship is very long distance, we see eachother about every 6 weeks to 2 months. It has always been long distance. It used to be an open relationship meaning we used to allow eachother to hook up with other people, but that ended because of trust issues. He is the most amazing person I have ever met, and I am deeply in love with him. We've spoken about marriage, a lot.
These 2 months were supposed to be time that I was proving to him my devotion, because his career path almost guarantees him being away from me for long periods of time. The last night we were together he quoted Red Dragon, which we'd just seen, "Scars remind us that the past really happened." Because we are apart more than we are together, and when we are together it feels like a dream - very surreal - and when we are apart sometimes its hard to remember that the other person really exists outside of a voice.
Well, something awful happened. I got stranded up at school a few nights ago, due to weather, and I stayed over my guy friend's (we'll call him "A") place. I had slept there before, and we're pretty close friends. In fact, we were supposed to be roommates. He knows all about my boyfriend because I talk about him constantly. So this wasn't an unreasonable thing to do. Anyways, there was no place to sleep but his bed (with him). Well, he started carressing me and at first I tried to resist but he totally seduced me. We didn't kiss because I kept refusing it and telling him I couldn't because it would be cheating. In the morning, he told me it was probably the hottest night he ever had, even though technically we didn't do anything (no more than anyone could do on a dance floor at a club). He said he was really impressed that I was able to resist my impulses. I let it go in my head at that. At first...
Last night I smoked up with some friends and then we went and saw "Empire" in the theater, which is probably the most depressing fucking movie I have ever seen besides Requiem for a Dream. After that movie I totally broke down and got hysterical because i realized it didn't matter that I didn't kiss A. I still cheated on my boyfriend. I canceled my plans to move in with A, and I still haven't stopped bawling my eyeballs out. After all the shit we've been through, I know that this is going to be the last straw. No matter how much he loves me, there's no way he'll be able to trust me again. And honestly, he probably shouldn't. I'm obviously incapable of controlling myself when temptation hits.
The knowledge that I'm going to lose the most wonderful person in my life, that i'm going to hurt him so badly, is ripping my heart apart. I want to kill myself. I've thought of it so many times. I want to slice my wrists and let the blood drain out of my body. This pain is unbearable. The only reason I haven't done this yet is because I feel like I owe it to him to tell him first. I think it would be horribly cruel and cowardly of me to let him finally finish the 2 hardest most grueling months of his life, which he only got through because he kept thinking of me, only to find that I was dead. I owe him a goodbye at least.
I've thought about not telling him about it because the consequences will be so catastrophic, but I can't do that. I respect him too much to lie to him.
These 2 months were supposed to be time that I was proving to him my devotion, because his career path almost guarantees him being away from me for long periods of time. The last night we were together he quoted Red Dragon, which we'd just seen, "Scars remind us that the past really happened." Because we are apart more than we are together, and when we are together it feels like a dream - very surreal - and when we are apart sometimes its hard to remember that the other person really exists outside of a voice.
Well, something awful happened. I got stranded up at school a few nights ago, due to weather, and I stayed over my guy friend's (we'll call him "A") place. I had slept there before, and we're pretty close friends. In fact, we were supposed to be roommates. He knows all about my boyfriend because I talk about him constantly. So this wasn't an unreasonable thing to do. Anyways, there was no place to sleep but his bed (with him). Well, he started carressing me and at first I tried to resist but he totally seduced me. We didn't kiss because I kept refusing it and telling him I couldn't because it would be cheating. In the morning, he told me it was probably the hottest night he ever had, even though technically we didn't do anything (no more than anyone could do on a dance floor at a club). He said he was really impressed that I was able to resist my impulses. I let it go in my head at that. At first...
Last night I smoked up with some friends and then we went and saw "Empire" in the theater, which is probably the most depressing fucking movie I have ever seen besides Requiem for a Dream. After that movie I totally broke down and got hysterical because i realized it didn't matter that I didn't kiss A. I still cheated on my boyfriend. I canceled my plans to move in with A, and I still haven't stopped bawling my eyeballs out. After all the shit we've been through, I know that this is going to be the last straw. No matter how much he loves me, there's no way he'll be able to trust me again. And honestly, he probably shouldn't. I'm obviously incapable of controlling myself when temptation hits.
The knowledge that I'm going to lose the most wonderful person in my life, that i'm going to hurt him so badly, is ripping my heart apart. I want to kill myself. I've thought of it so many times. I want to slice my wrists and let the blood drain out of my body. This pain is unbearable. The only reason I haven't done this yet is because I feel like I owe it to him to tell him first. I think it would be horribly cruel and cowardly of me to let him finally finish the 2 hardest most grueling months of his life, which he only got through because he kept thinking of me, only to find that I was dead. I owe him a goodbye at least.
I've thought about not telling him about it because the consequences will be so catastrophic, but I can't do that. I respect him too much to lie to him.
