Should I disown my daughter?

[Smurfy]

Good point. It is not arguing when you set your rules.

true I learned this from my Father. we knew as kids that whatever he says goes. no ifs ands or buts. we never even thought twice about second guessing him or trying ti debate or argue. we pretty much kept our mouths shut and did as we were told. i think we had the utmost respect for our Father and not one of us 4 kids ever talked back to him. now as adults we feel free to respectfully disagree with him if needed and he respects us as adults too. it all worked out quite nicely

 

[Bikini Mod]

Lion didn't know about this child until a year ago so there is NO WAY he could have been there for her before. How many men would have behaved the same way by welcoming her with open arms when he DID find out about her? Do you all remember the threads were the children he did know about and parented were resentfull?

Come on, you guys are being ridiculous.

Her striking her mother? NEVER ALLOWED. That was handled properly, time to move on.

Lion, I do agree that at 17 for a child to be on birthcontrol and out till 11PM is not all that bad especially in light of the fact that her GPA is so high. My parents would have kicked my ass, true, but if she doesn't live w/you there is only so much you can say. I think that if you took a loving but firm approach it would yield a better result.

Would I be happy about it if it were my daughter?... actually in light of the fact that MY DAUGHTER has been out for DAYS on end, smoking pot, drinking, FAILING SCHOOL since the age of about 14 or so (will be 16 soon)....

YEA I WOULD BE MUCH "HAPPIER" I suppose if I were given that choice.


But that is my world, nothing I can do about it until we go to court next month.

Interestingly enough she still calls on occasion and leaves the most hatefull, foul-mouthed messages (that I save for court but refuse to listen to) but her younger sisters have all told me that she has every card I ever sent her and put them on the wall of her bedroom.

Can you imagine how much of a train-wreck that child will be in my home?

Disown her?

NO... NEVER.

Tough love though?

I have an endless supply.

 

[the_alcatraz]

true I learned this from my Father. we knew as kids that whatever he says goes. no ifs ands or buts. we never even thought twice about second guessing him or trying ti debate or argue. we pretty much kept our mouths shut and did as we were told. i think we had the utmost respect for our Father and not one of us 4 kids ever talked back to him. now as adults we feel free to respectfully disagree with him if needed and he respects us as adults too. it all worked out quite nicely

You've been well-raised Aunt Smurfy

 

[-SD-]

Sounds like the honeymoons over and the daughter woke up and realized she had a perfectly capable father that decided to never be there her whole life. You will have zero leverage or authority when a child realizes that. Sorry bor.

 

[the_clockwork]

lol 11pm is late? she's 17

your her dad, your job is to keep her on the right track. try a different method than you are... try finding a common ground.. remember when you were 17

 

[digimon7068]

keep reaching. . .and everytime she slaps your hand away, reach out again. . .she may be an "adult" in michigan, but you know that she's still a child in real life. . .and kids do st00pid things. . .heck. . .i'm pretty sure i didn't reach full-fledged adulthood until sometime in my 30's. . .i'm 43 now and my wife still has to sit me down once in a while and talk to me like i'm one of the kids. . .

don't ever give up. . .don't ever let pride and anger turn you into stone. . .and remember that women tend to mature much faster than men. . .she still has a good gpa and plans for the future, so she's not lost yet. . .good luck. . .

 

[fistfullofsteel]

introduce her to the back hand

 

[Razorguns]

Sounds like the honeymoons over and the daughter woke up and realized she had a perfectly capable father that decided to never be there her whole life. You will have zero leverage or authority when a child realizes that. Sorry bor.

Word.

Lots of "feel good" responses thread. "Be there for her!", "be a father", "she needs a dad", "never give up!". Typical crap people post in these situations. Might as well say "never give up your dreams!" too.

You have to be realistic. She's an ADULT. And as an ADULT, she now is living a life from however she was RAISED as a child. So if she never grew up with proper values, morals, ethics, self-respect, self-esteem, positive mental attitude, educations, skills, etc. as a child - it will now be reflected in her life.

No matter how many Dr Phil's you have next to you - you can't instill all that in a 2-hour meeting. Nobody changes that quick, especialy adults. I bet I couldn't change most of you unless it involved some torture devices (jackangel's first on that list!).

And you have a further problem. She's far away, and may NOT want you "trying to change her". I know at 18, I sure as hell wouldn't want my parents trying to change my life.

So what to do? It's a much more complex problem now unfortunately. All you can do is try to 1) lead by example 2) be there when she needs you 3) try to change her a LITTLE bit at a time, mainly by giving her the right advice when she needs it (without scaring her off) 4) Help her when she needs it. So she's not dancing at the Titty Twister to pay rent.

It's all you can do with problem ADULT children, vs problem CHILDREN.

r

 

[Bikini Mod]

Sounds like the honeymoons over and the daughter woke up and realized she had a perfectly capable father that decided to never be there her whole life. You will have zero leverage or authority when a child realizes that. Sorry bor.

Ummmm HE WASN'T TOLD THAT SHE EXISTED UNTIL LAST YEAR.

 

[thelion2005]

Amazingly consistant advice from the replies and I read every one. superdave stuck it to me, but there was wisdom in his words. Others knew the history and their replies were very constructive.

The good news is I was venting a lot in my post and had been keeping my big mouth shut. No stupid threats or lectures. I had been sticking with her and nudging her along the rightous path.

And no matter how much I complain, I'll continue because I love her. To dump her now would be very dishonorable and damaging. It is just very, very tough to see things so clearly at this time of my life, and watch her running towards harm's way.

I get no support to be successful in this endevor from so many in real life. They want to see us fail for their own selfish reasons and I read them loud and clear. The few supporters are usually women who had no Dad.

The support from the good people here was stunning. And I thank you so much.