Importance of a wife Initiating Sex

[curvymommy]

Ok, I know this forum can be somewhat gritty and straight forward so help me out here sexy people!

My husband keeps getting mad at me because I rarely initate sex. It's not like I put on flannel jammies and fuzzy slippers and expect him to be turned on. I make myself availiable to him. Wear lipgloss and cute stuff to bed, shave my legs (omg I can't believe I'm talking about this), smell good, don't wear sox, ect. We go to bed at the same time, ect. So, lots of good stuff going on.

~BUT~

Why am I not horny? Is it a decision you make? Am I doing something wrong? I just feel overly tired by the end of the day and am not in the mood to give a strip tease on the coffee table after finally getting my kids to bed at night.

Does it hurt your feelings if your woman doesn't initiate sex? Or is it enough for her to be a willing sport in it when you are ready?

 

[ceo]

I bet you initiated more early in the relationship.

Having said that...everyone wants to feel desired. It feels good when someone notices you, makes a comment (tastefully) about your appearance or some trait, flirts with you, etc. It just reaffirms that you've still "got it"...even/especially if it is coming from your long time mate.

If you don't feel in the mood at night when you go to bed because you're tired, what about in the morning, or afternoon, etc.? Or do you just not really ever feel in the mood? Maybe something you can do to get in the mood...like reading a smut novel (aka women's porn) or something? lol.

HTH

 

[string_bean00]

I've had this issue with every relationship I've been in. When the male intitiates sex the majority of the time it makes him feel that you're losing attraction for him. Of course you have other things going on that do distract (work, kids) but sex life is a two way street.

 

[ceo]

I've had this issue with every relationship I've been in. When the male intitiates sex the majority of the time it makes him feel that you're losing attraction for him. Of course you have other things going on that do distract (work, kids) but sex life is a two way street.

yup. same way a woman feels if her man doesn't initiate sex with her.

 

[digimon7068]

meh. . .i agree with jeff foxworthy. . .generally speaking, women are like diesel engines. . .they need to be physically started up. . .and sometimes it takes a little while to get them going. . .but once you do, they run for a long LONG time. . .

my wife initiates once in a while but not nearly as often as i do. . .it's always been like that. . .i think that's probably pretty normal and i think it's part nature and part nurture. . .men are genetically programmed (to a certain extent) and also taught to be the pursuers and women are genetically programmed (to a certain extent) and (most) are also taught to be the pursue-ees. . .i don't make up the rules. . .i just have to live with them

 

[musclemom]

meh. . .i agree with jeff foxworthy. . .generally speaking, women are like diesel engines. . .they need to be physically started up. . .and sometimes it takes a little while to get them going. . .but once you do, they run for a long LONG time. . .

my wife initiates once in a while but not nearly as often as i do. . .it's always been like that. . .i think that's probably pretty normal and i think it's part nature and part nurture. . .men are genetically programmed (to a certain extent) and also taught to be the pursuers and women are genetically programmed (to a certain extent) and (most) are also taught to be the pursue-ees. . .i don't make up the rules. . .i just have to live with them

+100!!! VERY well said!!!

This is an issue that's come up for discussion between my husband and myself periodically.

I REALLY don't like even having sex at bedtime (I have my reasons). I will initiate things if we're together during the day, like weekends or vacations. Sometimes I can be a literal pest in fact (I like nooners so shoot me). Initiating in the morning usually requires me just being present and him in the mood

 

[miplank]

Ok, I know this forum can be somewhat gritty and straight forward so help me out here sexy people!

My husband keeps getting mad at me because I rarely initate sex. It's not like I put on flannel jammies and fuzzy slippers and expect him to be turned on. I make myself availiable to him. Wear lipgloss and cute stuff to bed, shave my legs (omg I can't believe I'm talking about this), smell good, don't wear sox, ect. We go to bed at the same time, ect. So, lots of good stuff going on.

~BUT~

Why am I not horny? Is it a decision you make? Am I doing something wrong? I just feel overly tired by the end of the day and am not in the mood to give a strip tease on the coffee table after finally getting my kids to bed at night.

Does it hurt your feelings if your woman doesn't initiate sex? Or is it enough for her to be a willing sport in it when you are ready?

I have this conversation with my wife all the time. It always seems to be me initiating sex.

I don't think you really need to do the "strip tease" on the table, but even if your in bed just start by kissing or grabbing his dick, or whatever.

I think guys (or atleast your husband and myself as we seem to think on the same level) want to know that you wimminz want the sexy time from us as much as we do from you.

Do yourself a favor and just stroke his ego...or whatever else you feel like stroking

 

[drsketch]

i get annoyed at the same thing. This is another thing that my ex did or didnt do however you look at it

 

[chris302001]

It's incredibly sexy and flattering when a woman initiates things...

 

[digimon7068]

+100!!! VERY well said!!!

just make sure you read my disclaimer

 

[drsketch]

yeah digi but initiating once in a while and never initiating are 2 different things

 

[Smurfy]

CM it doesnt seem like this is about you not wanting to initiate, but more about why arent you horny to begin with, right? most women will say the same thing. our approach to sex is much different. men get randomly horny like 98thousand times a day, and for us, nowhere near as often, thats just a fact.
so with the question in mind, why dont you feel horny? there are a wholw slew of things that contribute including, but not limited to: age, mood, health, energy level, self confidence, use of supplements, birth control or medication side effects, nature of the relationship, time of day, etc and so many more.
i have found that certain stimulants and also birth control can wreak havoc on my sex drive. and this issue you mention above about not initiating, has been a major issue in at least one if not more of my past long term relationships, but not the most recent one. seems, i became more comfortable over time in not only expressing when i was feeling horny, but also recognizing and EMBRACING it.

 

[digimon7068]

yeah digi but initiating once in a while and never initiating are 2 different things

absolutely. . .i never would have even attempted to try to spend the rest of my life with someone that didn't enjoy sex enough to take the bull by the horns once in a while. . .but, honestly. . .the predator/prey relationship is pretty normal. . .and i'm ok with it. . .

 

[curvymommy]

Thanks so much everyone for helping me out! Your questions and input are giving me a lot to consider.

Smurfy, you REALLY are onto something. Check this out~I guess I don't feel randomly horny.

Here is the true confession part that embarrasses me a little: to be continually horny throughout the day or at least have sex on my mind I must DWELL on it a lot. I can do it if I really focus. It takes a lot of working out, primping, googling stuff, sometimes flirting (innocently enough, I swear!) with random people at the store, meditating (fantasy?) on what I will do later for my DH, ect, ect... THEN and only then it I occupy my mind all day wtih sex can I become a horny little bitch.

It CAN be done but dang it, I run out of time. Right when I'm feeling it life happens, a kid throws up, or something and I'm back to square one.

It's a full time job, lol

 

[curvymommy]

I bet you initiated more early in the relationship.

reading a smut novel (aka women's porn) or something? lol.

HTH

YEs, I used to jump his bones ALL the time. I even lured him to and attacked him once on a golf course afer dark and we DTD til some sprinklers came on and we had to finish in the bushes.

*sigh* we need to do that again.

 

[curvymommy]

I've had this issue with every relationship I've been in. When the male intitiates sex the majority of the time it makes him feel that you're losing attraction for him. Of course you have other things going on that do distract (work, kids) but sex life is a two way street.

Yeah, I'm sure NONE of my mom friends are any different. That's why their DH's screw around. If mine did that he'd be flushing his family down the tubes so we must get this hashed out no matter how common it is.

 

[the_alcatraz]

Most of the time I'm the one initiating the sex as well, and yes sometimes it hurts my feelings or doesn't necessarily feel very good because I wish my wife would "initiate" more often. But as long as the sex is reaaallly good, then it's all good

 

[curvymommy]

Ok, this is about as graphic as I'll ever get on here I promise but we're all adults so here it is:

Jeff Foxworthy knows what's up, lol!

My DH has to orally start me up for about 5 minuets or so. Usually I'm so dead-dog tired that I just get prettied up and lay on the bed half falling asleep til he gets outta the shower and comes over and does a sexual favor for me. (omg)

THEN I'm like WHOOHOO, I wake up and jump on top of him and we're off to the races and we have a great time. He's getting pissed that I jsut doll up and lay down and hence the conflict.

He's like, "honey, don't you love doing it?" I'm like "yeah, but I always forget til you start doing what you do so well!" HE just shakes his head and mumbles something about me having a short memory!

dang

meh. . .i agree with jeff foxworthy. . .generally speaking, women are like diesel engines. . .they need to be physically started up. . .and sometimes it takes a little while to get them going. . .but once you do, they run for a long LONG time. . .

my wife initiates once in a while but not nearly as often as i do. . .it's always been like that. . .i think that's probably pretty normal and i think it's part nature and part nurture. . .men are genetically programmed (to a certain extent) and also taught to be the pursuers and women are genetically programmed (to a certain extent) and (most) are also taught to be the pursue-ees. . .i don't make up the rules. . .i just have to live with them

 

[curvymommy]

+100!!! VERY well said!!!

This is an issue that's come up for discussion between my husband and myself periodically.

I REALLY don't like even having sex at bedtime (I have my reasons). I will initiate things if we're together during the day, like weekends or vacations. Sometimes I can be a literal pest in fact (I like nooners so shoot me). Initiating in the morning usually requires me just being present and him in the mood

omg, that reminds me that we need a vacation. He could start with a day off!!!

 

[curvymommy]

I have this conversation with my wife all the time. It always seems to be me initiating sex.

I don't think you really need to do the "strip tease" on the table, but even if your in bed just start by kissing or grabbing his dick, or whatever.

I think guys (or atleast your husband and myself as we seem to think on the same level) want to know that you wimminz want the sexy time from us as much as we do from you.

Do yourself a favor and just stroke his ego...or whatever else you feel like stroking

the striptease is the dream and the kissing is a starting place. He actually wants me to be more confident with my body. I thought I was but then I feel shy.

Ok, check on the ego thing. I do this all the time but need to do it sexually too.

 

[curvymommy]

Most of the time I'm the one initiating the sex as well, and yes sometimes it hurts my feelings or doesn't necessarily feel very good because I wish my wife would "initiate" more often. But as long as the sex is reaaallly good, then it's all good

Oh yeah it's crazy good. That's why he wonders why my memory is so short.

 

[digimon7068]

Ok, this is about as graphic as I'll ever get on here I promise but we're all adults so here it is:

Jeff Foxworthy knows what's up, lol!

My DH has to orally start me up for about 5 minuets or so. Usually I'm so dead-dog tired that I just get prettied up and lay on the bed half falling asleep til he gets outta the shower and comes over and does a sexual favor for me. (omg)

THEN I'm like WHOOHOO, I wake up and jump on top of him and we're off to the races and we have a great time. He's getting pissed that I jsut doll up and lay down and hence the conflict.

He's like, "honey, don't you love doing it?" I'm like "yeah, but I always forget til you start doing what you do so well!" HE just shakes his head and mumbles something about me having a short memory!

dang

you have a busy life and kids and stuff, right??

 

[Smurfy]

Thanks so much everyone for helping me out! Your questions and input are giving me a lot to consider.

Smurfy, you REALLY are onto something. Check this out~I guess I don't feel randomly horny.

Here is the true confession part that embarrasses me a little: to be continually horny throughout the day or at least have sex on my mind I must DWELL on it a lot. I can do it if I really focus. It takes a lot of working out, primping, googling stuff, sometimes flirting (innocently enough, I swear!) with random people at the store, meditating (fantasy?) on what I will do later for my DH, ect, ect... THEN and only then it I occupy my mind all day wtih sex can I become a horny little bitch.

It CAN be done but dang it, I run out of time. Right when I'm feeling it life happens, a kid throws up, or something and I'm back to square one.

It's a full time job, lol

lol its harder for women to become aroused simply by thoughts. we need the physical usually which is why once your DH starts in on you, its like picking up right where you left off.

 

[needtogetaas]

Well its good to see others have this problem. I think the last time my wife Initiated sex was 1999.

 

[Smurfy]

and by initiating, that could mean many things right? i mean, for me, it basically means me hinting at wanting it, and then perhaps some flirty touching in bed, like a grab of his butt or touching his weiner through his boxers lol

does that count guys? huh? does it?

 

[chris302001]

and by initiating, that could mean many things right? i mean, for me, it basically means me hinting at wanting it, and then perhaps some flirty touching in bed, like a grab of his butt or touching his weiner through his boxers lol

does that count guys? huh? does it?

omg, just wink at me and I'll be on top of you....

 

[needtogetaas]

and by initiating, that could mean many things right? i mean, for me, it basically means me hinting at wanting it, and then perhaps some flirty touching in bed, like a grab of his butt or touching his weiner through his boxers lol

does that count guys? huh? does it?

This counts, hinting does not count. What kind of a hint are we talking about. I hate hints. Tell me you are horny and want my dick. Not hint.

 

[digimon7068]

and by initiating, that could mean many things right? i mean, for me, it basically means me hinting at wanting it, and then perhaps some flirty touching in bed, like a grab of his butt or touching his weiner through his boxers lol

does that count guys? huh? does it?

i wear boxer briefs. . .3/4 length. . .and yeah. . .that counts. . .

 

[SpyWizard]

Ok, I know this forum can be somewhat gritty and straight forward so help me out here sexy people!

My husband keeps getting mad at me because I rarely initate sex. It's not like I put on flannel jammies and fuzzy slippers and expect him to be turned on. I make myself availiable to him. Wear lipgloss and cute stuff to bed, shave my legs (omg I can't believe I'm talking about this), smell good, don't wear sox, ect. We go to bed at the same time, ect. So, lots of good stuff going on.

~BUT~

Why am I not horny? Is it a decision you make? Am I doing something wrong? I just feel overly tired by the end of the day and am not in the mood to give a strip tease on the coffee table after finally getting my kids to bed at night.

Does it hurt your feelings if your woman doesn't initiate sex? Or is it enough for her to be a willing sport in it when you are ready?

My wife used that same expression "I make myself available" but she also knows that a man's self worth is often based (doesn't matter if it's true) on NOT being rejected..

Remember, the world is against him, he looks to you to always be his support..

just a thought..

 

[Smurfy]

This counts, hinting does not count. What kind of a hint are we talking about. I hate hints. Tell me you are horny and want my dick. Not hint.

sorry needto but women arent wired like men. maybe thats how men approach it, but a woman typically will not be like "im horny i want your dick". if youre waiting for that, you'll usually be waiting a long time. not that all women are made equal but you know your wife better than anyone here.

hinting like, "hey lets makeout later" or "youre going to bed with me, right?" or "when we goin to bed <wink>?"

 

[needtogetaas]

sorry needto but women arent wired like men. maybe thats how men approach it, but a woman typically will not be like "im horny i want your dick". if youre waiting for that, you'll usually be waiting a long time. not that all women are made equal but you know your wife better than anyone here.

hinting like, "hey lets makeout later" or "youre going to bed with me, right?" or "when we goin to bed <wink>?"

That would be ok. The other to are just gay. In no way do they say "i wants sex" its the easy way out. What I mean is they do not have to admit they need or want sex.

 

[Smurfy]

i wear boxer briefs. . .3/4 length. . .and yeah. . .that counts. . .

um.....

 

[digimon7068]

um.....

<----they're jockey's. . .90% cotton 10% spandex 100% comfortable

 

[Smurfy]

That would be ok. The other to are just gay. In no way do they say "i wants sex" its the easy way out. What I mean is they do not have to admit they need or want sex.

um dude, im not saying these things as a way of playing games. if you were my husband, and you knew me, youd know that when i say these things it means i want to GO TO BED with you aka fuck.

 

[needtogetaas]

um dude, im not saying these things as a way of playing games. if you were my husband, and you knew me, youd know that when i say these things it means i want to GO TO BED with you aka fuck.

Yes angel says the same things. Like "when you coming to bed" she only asks that when she want sex. Its not the point. I know she wants sex she knows she wants sex. The damn point is why can't ya just say it. If a tell you I don't want hits a want you to just say it. Why can't you just say it?

Whats the reason? pride maybe?

 

[hardrock]

I feel it's extremely important for the woman to initiate sex at least once in a while. I mean we all know men are generally hornier than women(not in all cases) but we still like to fell wanted and not that we are making you feel obligated to have sex when we want it. it makes us feel real good when our lady initiates it and can turn us on in a minute flat.

My last long term relationship had this problem. In the beginning she couldn't get enough. Fast forward a year or so, and she rarely if ever initiated it. You really love your man and wanna keep him happy? Do this once in a while.

 

[musclemom]

Yes angel says the same things. Like "when you coming to bed" she only asks that when she want sex. Its not the point. I know she wants sex she knows she wants sex. The damn point is why can't ya just say it. If a tell you I don't want hits a want you to just say it. Why can't you just say it?

Whats the reason? pride maybe?

I'll try because I've really thought about this one but I don't know if it will make sense.

In one scenario she might be hinting for you to get ready to be jumpable (i.e., take a shower, brush your teeth, use mouthwash, etc.)

Secondly, we may not actually WANT sex in the classic, down and dirty state of "Being Horny." But we are trying to tell you "Could you get my motor started because I'm NOT horny but I want to be with you."

And yes, I know this sounds really weird.

If we WANT sex (i.e., are actively horny, which for some women only happens for about one week a month) the vast majority of women will generally be quite direct. We know where your dick is, we know how to grab it/suck it/jump on top of it. The problems start when we want to be affectionate and want that contact but are not actively horny. If we try to get things started when we're like that guys are NOT stupid and they misunderstand. They know our heart (or anything else) isn't into it, and then things get weird and fights can ensue.

This is really fucking hard to explain in writing.

Look, men, trust me, if your wife has key phrases or sounds or touches she uses to signal her willingness, just go with it. She's asking you to start her motor so she can jump your bones.

If this makes no sense I'm sorry ...

 

[Smurfy]

I'll try because I've really thought about this one but I don't know if it will make sense.

In one scenario she might be hinting for you to get ready to be jumpable (i.e., take a shower, brush your teeth, use mouthwash, etc.)

Secondly, we may not actually WANT sex in the classic, down and dirty state of "Being Horny." But we are trying to tell you "Could you get my motor started because I'm NOT horny but I want to be with you."

And yes, I know this sounds really weird.

If we WANT sex (i.e., are actively horny, which for some women only happens for about one week a month) the vast majority of women will generally be quite direct. We know where your dick is, we know how to grab it/suck it/jump on top of it. The problems start when we want to be affectionate and want that contact but are not actively horny. If we try to get things started when we're like that guys are NOT stupid and they misunderstand. They know our heart (or anything else) isn't into it, and then things get weird and fights can ensue.

This is really fucking hard to explain in writing.

Look, men, trust me, if your wife has key phrases or sounds or touches she uses to signal her willingness, just go with it. She's asking you to start her motor so she can jump your bones.

If this makes no sense I'm sorry ...

it makes perfect sense to me MM.

 

[SpyWizard]

Yes angel says the same things. Like "when you coming to bed" she only asks that when she want sex. Its not the point. I know she wants sex she knows she wants sex. The damn point is why can't ya just say it. If a tell you I don't want hits a want you to just say it. Why can't you just say it?

Whats the reason? pride maybe?

I'll tell ya why she can't say it.. if she does, her mom, her aunts, sisters, friends, society, tv, movies they all tell her she is a slut, a whore and have less value to society and to themselves as a person..

that's why she has a hard time saying it..

 

[Smurfy]

I'll tell ya why she can't say it.. if she does, her mom, her aunts, sisters, friends, society, tv, movies they all tell her she is a slut, a whore and have less value to society and to themselves as a person..

that's why she has a hard time saying it..

i think youre on to something, as absurd as it may seem. but i feel a woman has to be REALLY liberated sexually to be comfortable enough to communicate on this level "i wanna fuck" or something similar. its not impossible, but its not common

 

[mrplunkey]

Ok, I know this forum can be somewhat gritty and straight forward so help me out here sexy people!

My husband keeps getting mad at me because I rarely initate sex. It's not like I put on flannel jammies and fuzzy slippers and expect him to be turned on. I make myself availiable to him. Wear lipgloss and cute stuff to bed, shave my legs (omg I can't believe I'm talking about this), smell good, don't wear sox, ect. We go to bed at the same time, ect. So, lots of good stuff going on.

~BUT~

Why am I not horny? Is it a decision you make? Am I doing something wrong? I just feel overly tired by the end of the day and am not in the mood to give a strip tease on the coffee table after finally getting my kids to bed at night.

Does it hurt your feelings if your woman doesn't initiate sex? Or is it enough for her to be a willing sport in it when you are ready?

It's a huge deal to the vast majority of men.

Put the shoe on the other foot. What if your DH was never the first one to say: "I love you"... or if you were always the one to initiate a hug or any other type of affectionate touch... or if you were the only one that proposed you two spend time together? You could probably deal with it for a week, month or even a year. But what if you went 10 years and the only time he initiated saying: "I love you" was 2-3 times per year?

And I'm not implying that he wouldn't want to say "I love you" or be affectionate. I'm just pointing-out how frustrating it would be if you had to be the initiator every time.

 

[EnderJE]

it's a huge deal to the vast majority of men.

Put the shoe on the other foot. What if your dh was never the first one to say: "i love you"... Or if you were always the one to initiate a hug or any other type of affectionate touch... Or if you were the only one that proposed you two spend time together? You could probably deal with it for a week, month or even a year. But what if you went 10 years and the only time he initiated saying: "i love you" was 2-3 times per year?

And i'm not implying that he wouldn't want to say "i love you" or be affectionate. I'm just pointing-out how frustrating it would be if you had to be the initiator every time.

+ 1

 

[artificialaspirations]

its very importantand breaks up the monotany. I initiate most of the time as the wife gets horny at random times 'like when i'm getting dressed for work' that don't align perfectly. I really wish she'd be more aggressive as it it can make you feel unwanted. Hopefully new birth control will help. We've only been married 2 yrs.

 

[captainahole]

What a great subject. I have been with my current wife for 20 years now and I can count on 1 finger the amount of times she has initiated sex. Yes it drives me crazy, I wish she would. It would make me feel that she really does love to have sex with me and that I am really important to her. I know I am but it is just one of those issues that I have learned to live with. My first wife had no problem at all initiating sex. God I hate that bitch. But that's another story.

 

[-SD-]

nomarriage.com

 

[cindylou]

sex is how men feel loved

i dont like to initiate sex, in fact i sometimes always forget since he does it mostly

but its always a good idea (imo) to TRY at least once a week to initiate , so he feels loved

and isnt tempted by someone who is willing to initiate lol

 

[nefertiti]

I'm kind of a guy in this regard...You know that whole thing about the five languages of love? The one I speak strongest is physical touch. When I am really really in love (only happened a couple of times), I am very affectionate, and my libido goes into overdrive. I find myself initiating almost all the time, even in the relationship I had that lasted years. My current is a horn dog, but he's under an extreme amount of stress right now, which has affected his libido a bit and put us out of balance...The thing is, because my love language is physical touch, I want to sooth him and take his mind off of things with sex. But aparently it came accross like I'm more interested in sex than I am being the friend he needs right now.

That of course was not true, but it was an instance of us talking in two different languages and the way that can be miscontsrued.

lol, gender reversal there....

So my answer is, I think it's important to know your partners love language and to make sure you make them feel loved in the way they feel it the strongest. For a lot of men that's physical touch.

 

[cindylou]

I'm kind of a guy in this regard...You know that whole thing about the five languages of love? The one I speak strongest is physical touch. When I am really really in love (only happened a couple of times), I am very affectionate, and my libido goes into overdrive. I find myself initiating almost all the time, even in the relationship I had that lasted years. My current is a horn dog, but he's under an extreme amount of stress right now, which has affected his libido a bit and put us out of balance...The thing is, because my love language is physical touch, I want to sooth him and take his mind off of things with sex. But aparently it came accross like I'm more interested in sex than I am being the friend he needs right now.

That of course was not true, but it was an instance of us talking in two different languages and the way that can be miscontsrued.

lol, gender reversal there....

So my answer is, I think it's important to know your partners love language and to make sure you make them feel loved in the way they feel it the strongest. For a lot of men that's physical touch.

I agree, I remember reading a book about the love languages. It was interesting.

 

[NEO1]

For god's sake, just fuck him already

 

[mrplunkey]

For god's sake, just fuck him already

Hell^Yes

That's the obvious answer. Screw him early and often!

 

[billfred]

My wife initiates almost all sex in our house anymore.

It just got too frustrating otherwise. Fortunately, she has picked up the pace a bit over the years and I have dropped off so we are in a pretty good balance right now.

 

[curvymommy]

Hell^Yes

That's the obvious answer. Screw him early and often!

I do! I do! LOL! Thanks everyone.

This has been very helpful in helping my relationship.

K to ALL of you but it might take a couple days or you might get it double!

 

[Bikini Mod]

I have this conversation with my wife all the time. It always seems to be me initiating sex.

I don't think you really need to do the "strip tease" on the table, but even if your in bed just start by kissing or grabbing his dick, or whatever.

I think guys (or atleast your husband and myself as we seem to think on the same level) want to know that you wimminz want the sexy time from us as much as we do from you.

Do yourself a favor and just stroke his ego...or whatever else you feel like stroking

This will sound REALLY wierd but my way of initiating nookies is by rubbing the old boy's head. I dunno why or how this happened really I just find it a very affectionate gesture on my part to put my arms around his head and rub it softly.

Goodness I am getting wierd in my old age.

 

[nefertiti]

This will sound REALLY wierd but my way of initiating nookies is by rubbing the old boy's head. I dunno why or how this happened really I just find it a very affectionate gesture on my part to put my arms around his head and rub it softly.

Goodness I am getting wierd in my old age.

lol...my bf loves that too...LOVES his head being scratched. Though it usually makes him want to sleep rather than want to bump nether regions.

 

[sshadoww]

Ok, I know this forum can be somewhat gritty and straight forward so help me out here sexy people!

My husband keeps getting mad at me because I rarely initate sex. It's not like I put on flannel jammies and fuzzy slippers and expect him to be turned on. I make myself availiable to him. Wear lipgloss and cute stuff to bed, shave my legs (omg I can't believe I'm talking about this), smell good, don't wear sox, ect. We go to bed at the same time, ect. So, lots of good stuff going on.

~BUT~

Why am I not horny? Is it a decision you make? Am I doing something wrong? I just feel overly tired by the end of the day and am not in the mood to give a strip tease on the coffee table after finally getting my kids to bed at night.

Does it hurt your feelings if your woman doesn't initiate sex? Or is it enough for her to be a willing sport in it when you are ready?

It's nice to have the lady initiate sex at times. As far as being tired, I'm sure you've felt that way before and still got ready and went to work for several hours. I would think your guy is just as, if not more, important to you- so push yourself for an hour once in awhile and show him what he means to you.

Just my 2

 

[curvymommy]

It's nice to have the lady initiate sex at times. As far as being tired, I'm sure you've felt that way before and still got ready and went to work for several hours. I would think your guy is just as, if not more, important to you- so push yourself for an hour once in awhile and show him what he means to you.

Just my 2

Wow, you sound EXACTLY like my DH and considering that I don't have a job outside the home, it really is my "job" to take care of him as best I can and that includes doing just what you said.

Ok, now if he'll give me a change to initiate I will before he finds this thread, lol

OH! Nef and Bikinimom, that is so funny about the headrubs. Except for when DH rubs my head it's so relaxing it almost makes my eyes cross and I get a drunk feeling almost.

Hmm...he even initiates head rubbing not me

anyhoo, thanks you guys. This is hugely helpful.

 

[WhistleBritchesII]

An Alpha male never worries of these things NOR cares

telling the wife or girlfriend how your hung up is a slippery slope to disaster and a TURN OFF

if your a true man make it happen and Shut teh f up

 

[musclemom]

An Alpha male never worries of these things NOR cares

telling the wife or girlfriend how your hung up is a slippert slope to disaster and TURN OFF

if your a true man make it happen and Shut teh f up

While I realize it's a difficult concept to grasp, ALPHA male, the politics of living within a committed, monogamous relationship successfully and cooperatively are quite different from the inside.

In other words, as my husband likes to say, women are the guardians of the gates.

 

[NEO1]

Getting?

This will sound REALLY wierd but my way of initiating nookies is by rubbing the old boy's head. I dunno why or how this happened really I just find it a very affectionate gesture on my part to put my arms around his head and rub it softly.

Goodness I am getting wierd in my old age.

 

[WhistleBritchesII]

While I realize it's a difficult concept to grasp, ALPHA male, the politics of living within a committed, monogamous relationship successfully and cooperatively are quite different from the inside.

In other words, as my husband likes to say, women are the guardians of the gates.

I understand what your saying but in relation to my point i do not

clarify please

 

[musclemom]

I understand what your saying but in relation to my point i do not

clarify please

Unless you're married to a woman wearing a Burkha then "Woman Service Me" rarely constitutes a cooperative, loving relationship.

As you chose to not quote what post specifically you were responding to I'm forced to take your post at it's face value in the context of the general atmosphere of the thread, that being the question of a wife initiating sex, potential reasons why women don't initiate as often as men would like, reasons why there might be a lack of desire on the wife's behalf as to initiation of sexual activity, etc.

Your comment:

An Alpha male never worries of these things NOR cares

telling the wife or girlfriend how your hung up is a slippert slope to disaster and TURN OFF

if your a true man make it happen and Shut teh f up

Implies the way a "man" should be in the relationship is sexually closed off with regards to his wants, needs and even fears and worries. That is not how to maintain a healthy relationship, and that is not how to maintain open and supportive communication within the relationship and that is most certainly not conducive to a long term relationship.

The term "Alpha Male" carries other implications as well, a "Me Tarzan/You Jane" machismo that is becoming tiresome.

As for women being the gatekeeper in every mammalian species the females are the gatekeepers. It is the female that decides when, where and with whom, not the male. Males ask to be permitted entrance to the garden, but it's the female who throws the gate open or slams that bitch shut.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Unless you're married to a woman wearing a Burkha then "Woman Service Me" rarely constitutes a cooperative, loving relationship.

As you chose to not quote what post specifically you were responding to I'm forced to take your post at it's face value in the context of the general atmosphere of the thread, that being the question of a wife initiating sex, potential reasons why women don't initiate as often as men would like, reasons why there might be a lack of desire on the wife's behalf as to initiation of sexual activity, etc.

Your comment:

Implies the way a "man" should be in the relationship is sexually closed off with regards to his wants, needs and even fears and worries. That is not how to maintain a healthy relationship, and that is not how to maintain open and supportive communication within the relationship and that is most certainly not conducive to a long term relationship.

The term "Alpha Male" carries other implications as well, a "Me Tarzan/You Jane" machismo that is becoming tiresome.

As for women being the gatekeeper in every mammalian species the females are the gatekeepers. It is the female that decides when, where and with whom, not the male. Males ask to be permitted entrance to the garden, but it's the female who throws the gate open or slams that bitch shut.

Yup, pretty much LOL

My husband does NOT rub my head to initiate sex. We have a running joke where he will say (at the most inappropriate times) "Wanna suck my dick?" and he is guaranteed NOT to get laid LOL .... unless he makes up for his silliness.

My husband and I (believe it or not) are still *learning one another* when it comes to sex. We have had a very peculiar courtship and marriage so *conventional* rules don't seem to apply...

I never had trouble initiating sex before we married. But for some reason I feel wierd and just don't know how to do it, other than by rubbing my husband's head. He usually sleeps face down so yanking his johnson is out. LOL I just find my rubbing his head a very sweet, loving NON-sexual way to initiate sex... He prefers to have sex just before we go to sleep while I prefer to doink whenever the mood strikes me then get dressed and go back to whatever we were doing before. I am usually too tired by bedtime. Morning sex is always good but I prefer, spurr of the moment, anytime we are home and NOT getting ready for bed sex while he prefers to make me cum till I am ready for deep coma...

CM - a lot of people who do not have young children just don't understand how physically and mentally draining it is for a wife with a gaggle of young children and a household. From what you have posted your husband is also somewhat demanding of you non-sexually. You seem more than happy to accomodate (which is sweet) HOWEVER, your husband should also realize that when you are stretched sooooooooooooo thin with the kids, the household and him (non-sexually) that the sex part is usually last.

Here is a strange suggestion...

How bout you find a sweet NON-sexual way to initiate sex then verbalize to your husband, honey, when we get ready for bed and I am wearing that nightie that you bought me for my birthday I DEFINITELY would like to do the nasty with you.

Or something to the effect of, "Honey, you know when I nibble on your ear like *this* and whisper that I love you. What I REALLY MEAN is "please oh please oh please I want you to fuck you till you cough blood."



I know that sounds really REALLY wierd but see how it goes...

This way you are initiating sex even though you aren't the one who is physically making the pass. It's more like you are letting him know LOUD AND CLEAR - if you ask me the answer will DEFINITELY BE YES.

 

[curvymommy]

Or something to the effect of, "Honey, you know when I nibble on your ear like *this* and whisper that I love you. What I REALLY MEAN is "please oh please oh please I want you to fuck you till you cough blood."


I know that sounds really REALLY wierd but see how it goes...

This way you are initiating sex even though you aren't the one who is physically making the pass. It's more like you are letting him know LOUD AND CLEAR - if you ask me the answer will DEFINITELY BE YES.

omgomgomgomg!!!!!!!!!!!

Of all the times I "say" LOL on EF this time I really, truly have been laughing audibly SO hard for the past couple minuets over this!

SO funny and what great advice!

 

[curvymommy]

MuscleMom and WB2:

You both have really good points and since I've been pretty transparent in this thread I'll continue that theme now.

Honestly, it is a bit of a turnoff. It puts a lot of pressure on me. We maintain very traditional roles in our marriage. He brings home the bacon, I keep the home fires burning, and all those great stereotypical things.

~~~BUT~~~

Let's face it. DH (and all humans but especially guys) have a challenge in the area of ego and needing to feel
validated and loved. Four years ago I WAS my "before" pic. He had virtually no fear of losing me and had no intimidation factor of me in my newfound healthy (I'm hot in his eyes) body. He must want so deeply to know that I still dig him physically eventhough he's basically the same and I'm a skinny girl now.

OMg, that is like a marriage counseling session but I had to put it out there as my true feelings since you guys are still talking about it. Thanks so much for helping me realize a lot of stuff here.

 

[Bikini Mod]

MuscleMom and WB2:

You both have really good points and since I've been pretty transparent in this thread I'll continue that theme now.

Honestly, it is a bit of a turnoff. It puts a lot of pressure on me. We maintain very traditional roles in our marriage. He brings home the bacon, I keep the home fires burning, and all those great stereotypical things.

~~~BUT~~~

Let's face it. DH (and all humans but especially guys) have a challenge in the area of ego and needing to feel
validated and loved. Four years ago I WAS my "before" pic. He had virtually no fear of losing me and had no intimidation factor of me in my newfound healthy (I'm hot in his eyes) body. He must want so deeply to know that I still dig him physically eventhough he's basically the same and I'm a skinny girl now.

OMg, that is like a marriage counseling session but I had to put it out there as my true feelings since you guys are still talking about it. Thanks so much for helping me realize a lot of stuff here.

CM - I so feel you...

For me and my husband it is a little different. I mean, I was in great shape and very attractive when we met but still I was no 22 year old blonde cheap looking overly sexual stripper chick with hyuge hooters. So I've always felt a bit insecure to be honest because I know how visual men are. And now, here I am two years older, needing new bewbies feeling like I am RACING against the clock...

How could I possibly compete with the rockstar life that my husband led before me?

Maybe that is why I feel so intimidated and why I don't feel comfortable initiating sex the way I did before. So this *non-sexual* way of me initiating sex (clearly it is more about me letting him know that it is ok for HIM to initiate) works really well for both of us.

... either that or I send him a text during the day letting him know that I am "in the mood." Usually something very flowery and romantic like, "Wanna fuck?!"

 

[WhistleBritchesII]

my point is a Real male should NEVER verbalize his discontent and then make Wife feel guilty to thus passively force her to do the act ( ie you owe me or your not doing your job)
He should do all he can to figure out how to "crack here code: or hell just be a MAN"

Women will always gravitate to man who is confident and makes her feel good

 

[WhistleBritchesII]

its would turn ME off if I EVER verbalized it or showed excessive clingyness
I would just leave lol

 

[WhistleBritchesII]

Honestly, it is a bit of a turnoff. It puts a lot of pressure on me. e.

and there you have it.......


you are RIGHT to feel that way

 

[mrplunkey]

As for women being the gatekeeper in every mammalian species the females are the gatekeepers. It is the female that decides when, where and with whom, not the male. Males ask to be permitted entrance to the garden, but it's the female who throws the gate open or slams that bitch shut.

Careful using a biological argument there... There are also plenty of examples of mammals where the male screws whichever "gate" is "open" then promptly moves-on to the next gate! If men can override their biological urges to screw and move on, it seems to me like women should override their biological urge to be the gatekeeper!

 

[musclemom]

Careful using a biological argument there... There are also plenty of examples of mammals where the male screws whichever "gate" is "open" then promptly moves-on to the next gate! If men can override their biological urges to screw and move on, it seems to me like women should override their biological urge to be the gatekeeper!

For the sake of trying get a point across to Mr. MPD don't get all semantic on me, Plunk.

And I really have known plenty of men who were happily monogamous. I've known the hounds, too, sure, but I really do know plenty of guys, usually those who are in happy, fulfilling relationships, who really aren't interested in being with other women. That doesn't make them dead or pussy whipped, it just means they care more about the continued success of their current relationship than strange

 

[Bikini Mod]

my point is a Real male should NEVER verbalize his discontent and then make Wife feel guilty to thus passively force her to do the act ( ie you owe me or your not doing your job)
He should do all he can to figure out how to "crack here code: or hell just be a MAN"

Women will always gravitate to man who is confident and makes her feel good

Very true.

I can't tell you how many times I have said, "Honey, I am just not in the mood tonite." And he turned around and said, "OK then.. I love you. Good night" ...and he was perfectly happy to just not have sex.

THAT MADE ME WANT TO FUCK HIM BUT GOOD.

It isn't a game. It isn't premeditated. It is good faith. If my man is too tired or stressed to have sex then I should take no for answer the same... and I do. Often times though when your mate understands and cuts you slack because you are tired/dont feel well then this means they love you and unless you are beyond sick or some such you suddenly feel the urge to show your apprecation for his understanding.

 

[musclemom]

my point is a Real male should NEVER verbalize his discontent and then make Wife feel guilty to thus passively force her to do the act ( ie you owe me or your not doing your job)
He should do all he can to figure out how to "crack here code: or hell just be a MAN"

Women will always gravitate to man who is confident and makes her feel good

What you're describing is passive aggressive behavior, and I have no tolerance for it in either gender.

As for cracking her code ... is there any way you could make a putzier, more annoying comment?

Look, there's no frigging secret to women, no secret code (and if you think there is, you should read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus") but most importantly, relationships aren't games of Strattego. As a couple, to succeed, you have to communicate openly, cooperate, use compassion and empathy. You have to care enough about your mate's feelings, put yourself in their place, and you have to trust that your mate loves and cares for you. Letting a woman in on your softer side is part of that trust. You don't let her see that, she'll alway feel you don't totally trust her, that you've got something shut off from her.

 

[jd_uk]

Ok, I know this forum can be somewhat gritty and straight forward so help me out here sexy people!

My husband keeps getting mad at me because I rarely initate sex. It's not like I put on flannel jammies and fuzzy slippers and expect him to be turned on. I make myself availiable to him. Wear lipgloss and cute stuff to bed, shave my legs (omg I can't believe I'm talking about this), smell good, don't wear sox, ect. We go to bed at the same time, ect. So, lots of good stuff going on.

~BUT~

Why am I not horny? Is it a decision you make? Am I doing something wrong? I just feel overly tired by the end of the day and am not in the mood to give a strip tease on the coffee table after finally getting my kids to bed at night.

Does it hurt your feelings if your woman doesn't initiate sex? Or is it enough for her to be a willing sport in it when you are ready?

Honest answer?

No you aren't doing enough. Why should it be up to the guy to always initiate even if you're 'willing'? Hardly makes for a good balanced sex life and he won't feel good either. Especially if he gets attention from other horny women elsewhere...Imagine how he feels when he gets home and you are only 'willing'. Fruustrated and probably a bit annoyed/hurt is the answer. All about balance. Being good at sex requires effort, just like anything else. Sorry if it sounds harsh.

 

[jd_uk]

Ok, this is about as graphic as I'll ever get on here I promise but we're all adults so here it is:

Jeff Foxworthy knows what's up, lol!

My DH has to orally start me up for about 5 minuets or so. Usually I'm so dead-dog tired that I just get prettied up and lay on the bed half falling asleep til he gets outta the shower and comes over and does a sexual favor for me. (omg)

THEN I'm like WHOOHOO, I wake up and jump on top of him and we're off to the races and we have a great time. He's getting pissed that I jsut doll up and lay down and hence the conflict.

He's like, "honey, don't you love doing it?" I'm like "yeah, but I always forget til you start doing what you do so well!" HE just shakes his head and mumbles something about me having a short memory!

dang

You sound shy talking about sex. Maybe that's part of the problem. Don't worry about being openly 'dirty' or slutty. Practice being horny if that's what it takes. It's a skill, and your husband will enjoy it very much.

 

[jd_uk]

the striptease is the dream and the kissing is a starting place. He actually wants me to be more confident with my body. I thought I was but then I feel shy.

Ok, check on the ego thing. I do this all the time but need to do it sexually too.

Well there you have it. He's right.

 

[jd_uk]

and by initiating, that could mean many things right? i mean, for me, it basically means me hinting at wanting it, and then perhaps some flirty touching in bed, like a grab of his butt or touching his weiner through his boxers lol

does that count guys? huh? does it?

Nope.

 

[jd_uk]

I'm kind of a guy in this regard...You know that whole thing about the five languages of love? The one I speak strongest is physical touch. When I am really really in love (only happened a couple of times), I am very affectionate, and my libido goes into overdrive. I find myself initiating almost all the time, even in the relationship I had that lasted years. My current is a horn dog, but he's under an extreme amount of stress right now, which has affected his libido a bit and put us out of balance...The thing is, because my love language is physical touch, I want to sooth him and take his mind off of things with sex. But aparently it came accross like I'm more interested in sex than I am being the friend he needs right now.

That of course was not true, but it was an instance of us talking in two different languages and the way that can be miscontsrued.

lol, gender reversal there....

So my answer is, I think it's important to know your partners love language and to make sure you make them feel loved in the way they feel it the strongest. For a lot of men that's physical touch.

Marry me.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Long and short MM is spot on when she talks of OPEN COMMUNICATION.

Interesting couples have no problem talking about everything EXCEPT sex.

 

[mrplunkey]

For the sake of trying get a point across to Mr. MPD don't get all semantic on me, Plunk.

And I really have known plenty of men who were happily monogamous. I've known the hounds, too, sure, but I really do know plenty of guys, usually those who are in happy, fulfilling relationships, who really aren't interested in being with other women. That doesn't make them dead or pussy whipped, it just means they care more about the continued success of their current relationship than strange

But the genes that proliferated were the ones that liked "strange" (I've always liked that term for some reason). It just seems more than fair that a male suppressing his urge for "strange" should be met in turn with a woman suppressing her innate "gatekeeper" role!



Damn wimminz -- always trying to deal off the bottom of the biological deck!

 

[musclemom]

But the genes that proliferated were the ones that liked "strange" (I've always liked that term for some reason). It just seems more than fair that a male suppressing his urge for "strange" should be met in turn with a woman suppressing her innate "gatekeeper" role!



Damn wimminz -- always trying to deal off the bottom of the biological deck!

Considering that pregnancy/birth/raising a human child to the age/size of being able to fend for itself really is not something suitable for an unattached female I really wonder about the whole "Spread the Genes" theory, seriously. It seems to me that young humans (male and female) are all pretty much your basic horny little hairless apes but once they get a little age on them I think there is a stronger drive to bond with one mate. Now, in terms of till death do you part, that's a recent convention

I always thought humans are genetically serial monogamists with the occasional fling thrown in here or there.

As for the female being the gatekeeper, that's just what it is. Males can bellow and roar and butt heads all they want, it's still the females that make the final decision.

Next go round, you get to be female, you get to pick

 

[Bikini Mod]

MM you are on one heckuva roll today. I am literally holding my sides with laughter..

Thanks I really needed it tonight.

 

[mrplunkey]

Considering that pregnancy/birth/raising a human child to the age/size of being able to fend for itself really is not something suitable for an unattached female I really wonder about the whole "Spread the Genes" theory, seriously. It seems to me that young humans (male and female) are all pretty much your basic horny little hairless apes but once they get a little age on them I think there is a stronger drive to bond with one mate. Now, in terms of till death do you part, that's a recent convention

I always thought humans are genetically serial monogamists with the occasional fling thrown in here or there.

As for the female being the gatekeeper, that's just what it is. Males can bellow and roar and butt heads all they want, it's still the females that make the final decision.

And therein lies the hidden genious in the Abraham-based religions! Hell, wimminz did what they were told back then. See how badly those pagan religions and atheism messed us up???

Next go round, you get to be female, you get to pick

Oh hell no! I like the setup I've got. Besides, I'd probably be a slut if the gatekeeping role got dropped in my lap.

 

[musclemom]

Well if we're going to start talking about the original philosophy behind development of Hebrew law we'll never get out of this thread ...

But you've got it pretty close, a lot of it was to take power away from women.

If you get a chance a really interesting read is a book called "The Great Cosmic Mother" takes a look at the rise of patriarchal religion over the the original mother based pagan spirituality, incorporating archaeological evidence. It's good food for thought.

 

[mrplunkey]

Well if we're going to start talking about the original philosophy behind development of Hebrew law we'll never get out of this thread ...

But you've got it pretty close, a lot of it was to take power away from women.

If you get a chance a really interesting read is a book called "The Great Cosmic Mother" takes a look at the rise of patriarchal religion over the the original mother based pagan spirituality, incorporating archaeological evidence. It's good food for thought.

a.k.a. "Progress"!!!

 

[jeepchick]

I always try to remember that one day we will be too old to make love/have sex/f**k so we try and take every opportunity that DH and I get. And if we haven't had a chance then we are very good about telling each other that it has been too long and one of us agrees to stop and get a bottle of wine on the way home. It was a little rough when the kids were young right now they are at the perfect age because they go to bed early enough and sleep like rocks so we can get close and still get some sleep. I also have noticed that I am way more likely to initiate sex on the days I have worked out. If I am really uptight/tired I have a glass of wine and try and relax. I also try and have a healthy meal- no heavy food like Mexican or Italian.

Think of sex as your right. You deserve to feel good. (If he isn't making you feel good that is another thread.) As women we have been repressed, told that it is wrong for us to want and demand sex. God forbid that we actually enjoy it. We are not wanton women we are "wanting" women. JCK

 

[-SD-]

I always try to remember that one day we will be too old to make love/have sex/f**k so we try and take every opportunity that DH and I get. And if we haven't had a chance then we are very good about telling each other that it has been too long and one of us agrees to stop and get a bottle of wine on the way home. It was a little rough when the kids were young right now they are at the perfect age because they go to bed early enough and sleep like rocks so we can get close and still get some sleep. I also have noticed that I am way more likely to initiate sex on the days I have worked out. If I am really uptight/tired I have a glass of wine and try and relax. I also try and have a healthy meal- no heavy food like Mexican or Italian.

Think of sex as your right. You deserve to feel good. (If he isn't making you feel good that is another thread.) As women we have been repressed, told that it is wrong for us to want and demand sex. God forbid that we actually enjoy it. We are not wanton women we are "wanting" women. JCK

Where have you been the past couple decades? Women being sexually repressed went out in the 1980s.

 

[jeepchick]

Society sends very mixed messages to women. Raising a daughter I am very aware of the messages that are broadcast and that DH and I must decide how to address. I know the mixed messages that I received and I was pretty forward for my teens/twenties which was the in the 80-90's But I am pretty sure that part of this thread has mentioned that men would appreciate women being more aggressive and taking the initiative. Sometimes it is hard switching mental states from mother to wife/girlfriend.

There are plenty of guys who freak out when a woman knows what she wants and won't settle for a man who isn't strong enough to handle a woman who knows her own mind and body. I wish that the mixed messages weren't still being sent and I wish that women were more accepting of their sexuality but as a woman I know that the messages are still there. There are derisive undertones to the term "cougar" and MILF and it all boils down to the perceptions of a woman's sexuality so repression is still here. JCK

 

[cmiii]

There are plenty of guys who freak out when a woman knows what she wants and won't settle for a man who isn't strong enough to handle a woman who knows her own mind and body.

HUH??? Perhaps I am the exception not the rule... But to find a woman who knows what she wants and is not shy to express it emotionally, physically... WHAT A DREAM COME TRUE!!!!
It is a beautifull thing to find a strong minded woman with no hang-ups who is confortable in her own skin. I suppose that I see women as my equal (with nice breast) not as an accesory.

CM

 

[rocky_road]

I learned this in Human Sexuality... teenagers get horny which leads to touching. People a little older than that and beyond get horny by being touched.

 

[needtogetaas]

look who it is^^^^^^^^^^^