I need some help bro's, my wife had cheated on me.

[Spectre]

Too many retarded responses on this thread to even begin with. Most of the male responses sound like they should be coming from women or Democrats; all emotion, no thought.

First, all major events in life are events that demand reflection, i.e. marriage, children, career, etc. Usually we take these ideas for granted and never consider them prior to stepping into them, at least not real contemplation. We only step back and evaluate them after a problem has occurred. If we are true, if we are only searching for truth and not mental masturbation or emotional placation, then we objectively assess all sides. A relationship takes two, as simplistic as this sounds, it is true. We can tell ourselves, "well I never cheated", or "I was always there", "or "I always told you I love you", etc., but the question remains, "What did I DO to demonstrate my feelings and commitments". You may have "been" there, but doing nothing produces nothing, you cannot remain neutral in a relationship and expect it to work.


Second, women are not men, and never the tween shall meet. We are not wired the same. Our actions are ours alone and gender is no excuse for actions, since they require conscious thought, but gender does affect the way one "looks" at situations. Words have little meaning unless there is action to demonstrate their convictions. This is a failing of men. We think that words are actions and women know it is not. Women desire the action of "value", the conscious expression of the emotion of "love", not the spoken idea. Thus the idea of romance. The idea that one thinks about another and wants to demonstrate his thoughts of her. Men, being too stupid, do not understand this concept, and do not realize that this concept is key to their happiness also. Doing "good" produces "good" emotions. We feed off of the emotions of others. If we make our spouse happy, we become happy. If our spouse is upset, we are upset.

Finally, Spectre "values" his wife and marriage, since he voices his desire not to see it fail. Even though there is a breach of trust, he still values the idea, the concept, of what his wife and marriage means to him. His wife has forgotten this idea, but she may be regretful and full of guilt. If so, then it will work. Guilt and regret are good, they are the emotions created when we let down our value system. We don't feel regret about things that we don't care about, only those that we value. Guilt and regret will last your whole life and act as a guide for future actions, they remind us what not to do, what makes us "feel" bad, what we don't like about ourselves.

You must understand the word "value" to determine your actions. Value denotes scarcity and loss. We value those things that we desire and is in limited quantity. As humans, we have a limited time on earth, so we don't want to live it in search of the "one true love", which is a fantasy, because there are thousands if not more people who we could easily "love". We fall in love with another when we find a person who meets our image of "self", a culmination of characteristics that we hold dear in our mind: beauty, morals, desires, passions, etc. When we meet a person, and we realize that this person reflects our inner self, the emotion of "love" develops, it is a direct result of our mind, the center of our value system. We love things that we value.

Spectre must take into consideration all the aspects of marriage that he values and those that he does not and determine if he should stay. Does he value his wife, is she a reflection of himself, does she hold the same values as he? Does he value the idea of being with her, even though he has no control over her actions? Is control more valuable than the happiness he derives from her and his marriage? She cannot hurt him anymore, he knows the situation, so nothing will shock him. You are not shocked by that which you know.

People make mistakes, big mistakes, but if they are truly regretful about their actions, then they deserve forgiveness, they don't deserve trust, which they must earn, but forgiveness to make good for their failings. Regret and restitution for a mistake is a major value that is limited in people, do not brush it to the side. Man values one who holds himself to his word and stands to judgement when he fails. Spectre should not give up before his wife has chance to make amends, it will let him decide if his wife truly is a reflection of his morals.

From what you have stated it is obvious that your wife is not a whore. A whore has no care for her actions, she could care less if one knows that she is a whore. One who hides their actions, although they personally deny it to themselves and make rationalizations and excuses for their actions, knows deep inside that what they are doing is wrong. Actions tell the story, not the words. She is also the mother of your children, which I hope has the utmost importance to you. You decided that this woman was to be your companion in life until death, even in hard times. Now are the hard times, your wife has failed in the test of commitment, now test yourself as well.

Wow. I have printed this to read a few times through. I will repay your time and thought by using this as my standard, thank-you. This is the guidance I been searching for.

 

[dballer]

Dballer!! NO NO NO!!!!!! Don't put up walls around your heart brother!!! They are too hard to tear down, I would rather love and be hurt than never to love with 1000% certainty. I think you may be a younger bro, this is a normal feeling. I'm realing in pain now but still wish to love and be loved like I have never been hurt.

I shocked at the number of folks who want to be violent really.. I have been trained every which way to kill and at 6'1 240, I can easily.. Yet I can't remember the last time I resorted to force, really. I guess it's peace through firepower.

I understand your logic in this post.. but I guess my point is that I doubt I could handle being with someone for 10 years and then this taking place. Kids.. wife.. family.. these are the things I want to make my life complete, but to think of it being destroyed by lust.. that is devastating. I was with a girl for 2 years, we were gonna get married. She cheated on me. I asked myself for the next 2 years what I did to deserve this. That is when I figured out that I did nothing wrong.. it was her who betrayed my trust. I am not serious about commiting any form of violent acts against your wife.. but still do not know how you live day to day.. dealing with this.

BTW.. I am almost 30!!!!

 

[atlantabiolab]

Spectre, sent you a PM.

 

[Spectre]

I understand your logic in this post.. but I guess my point is that I doubt I could handle being with someone for 10 years and then this taking place. Kids.. wife.. family.. these are the things I want to make my life complete, but to think of it being destroyed by lust.. that is devastating. I was with a girl for 2 years, we were gonna get married. She cheated on me. I asked myself for the next 2 years what I did to deserve this. That is when I figured out that I did nothing wrong.. it was her who betrayed my trust. I am not serious about commiting any form of violent acts against your wife.. but still do not know how you live day to day.. dealing with this.

BTW.. I am almost 30!!!!

Well I am the ripe ol age of 31!!! Son....

Our kids are 9 and 7...

I am worried that your girlfriend may be being denied the openess and true uninhibited love she deserves as you are protecting yourself. Fix that.

My friends are stacked around me like pillars, I can't fall.. Well I learned a long time ago that no one facet of life can be your mainstay and no one thing should bring you down.

 

[Spectre]

Don't get me wrong I am not a pussy folks. But I know if I yell and insult it will only make the process slower. Please give me some ideas on how to demonstrate my displeasure with her, sort of like being the alpha dog and newpaper trick. I need some tips-and-tricks for controlling the situtions.

 

[KAYNE]

Well it will be ten years this week.. Two kids and allot of good times... The last 2 years have been fantastic, and the incident happened before that.

I was traveling heavy on biz and her grandfather died, she felt alone and stranded. basically a coworker took advantage of a naieve and mentally worn down women. I am not justifying her actions, it's just what happened. It went on a little longer than I am comfortable with ( 6 months)...

SO YOURE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR WIFE FUCKING SOMEONE FOR 6 MONTHS.....EXACTLY HOW LONG WOULD YOU BE COMFORTABLE WITH???

GET A GRIP MAN. 6 MONTHS IS A LONG TIME. SHE WASNT TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF AND SHE WASNT NAIVE AND MENTALLY WORN DOWN. SHE WAS FUCKING CHEATING ON YOU MAN!!! AND SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING.

YOU CANT COMPARE THE STORIES CUZ SHE HAS PROBABLY TALKED TO HIM ALREADY AND GOT THEIR STORIES STRAIGHT. YOU SHOULD KILL HER, THEN KILL HIM. BUT IN REVERSE ORDER.






KAYNE

 

[gotmilk]

"It isn't our circumstances that determine our character, but the way in which WE CHOOSE to react to them."

Why keep living in a situation where he has to react to situations that he did not ask for?

Spectre....6 months is sooooo not 3 weeks or a few weekends.

That's a good move to protect your assets but make sure she does not know where cash or deeds are. There are better and safer ways to protect yourself and be legally binding against potential court awards. Nothing beats offshore LLC's.

I had a similar situation but nowhere as involved as you. Someone I thought loved me cheated and I caught it by driving 800 miles. In my case though, I actually met her while see was cheating on someone. I pulled the whole routine...screaming, wanting to smack her, and punched the guy out. It was not worth the effort in the end. I actually tried to make it work for like 6 more months but in the end, I was miserable trying to fake a smile or wondering what was going on while I was away.

In the end...cheaters usually end up cheating again. The odds are against you sadly.

You mentioned something about confronting the guy so that you can compare stories? Do you think he is going to answer you honestly? Are you really prepared for what he has to say?

Have you really thought about what you are going to do if it happens again?

 

[KAYNE]

I ONLY READ YOUR FIRST POST ON THIS THREAD THEN I POSTED A LITTLE SOMETHING. I WONT READ ANY MORE OF IT FOR IT WILL ONLY PISS ME OFF CUZ THIS TYPE OF SHIT GETS UNDER MY SKIN.






KAYNE

 

[Spectre]

Why keep living in a situation where he has to react to situations that he did not ask for?

Spectre....6 months is sooooo not 3 weeks or a few weekends.

That's a good move to protect your assets but make sure she does not know where cash or deeds are. There are better and safer ways to protect yourself and be legally binding against potential court awards. Nothing beats offshore LLC's.

I had a similar situation but nowhere as involved as you. Someone I thought loved me cheated and I caught it by driving 800 miles. In my case though, I actually met her while see was cheating on someone. I pulled the whole routine...screaming, wanting to smack her, and punched the guy out. It was not worth the effort in the end. I actually tried to make it work for like 6 more months but in the end, I was miserable trying to fake a smile or wondering what was going on while I was away.

In the end...cheaters usually end up cheating again. The odds are against you sadly.

You mentioned something about confronting the guy so that you can compare stories? Do you think he is going to answer you honestly? Are you really prepared for what he has to say?

Have you really thought about what you are going to do if it happens again?

I hear ya bro, I really do. Well the reason I want to confront him is to compare stories, if they don't match, well that answers her new found truthfulness.

 

[wyld1g]

To me, it takes more of a man to forgive if the grounds are there..ie she's not lying. I worry about your kids..you have them right? They are the ultimate looser if you bail. You can't blaim the dude that boffed her, although I'd want to see him fall off the earth. he may of started the whole thing but she was willing.
How do you now she hasn't done this before? I hope the kids will be ok bro...