I need some help bro's, my wife had cheated on me.

[Frackal]

Word...If she was emotionally abandoned why didn't she make a friend. Why did she bang a dude she works with. She got bored with Spectre and saw an opportunity to pretend she was single. She is a total slut whore. Think about this. She goes out with this guy, gets a little tipsy, goes back to his place, gets fucked in every hole, then takes it ass to mouth and finishes him off. After this she goes home and kisses her children goodnight!! Think about that!! Now explain to me how keeping this subhuman around to raise children is a good idea. This is not a simple fuck up. If you cheat on your spouse while your children live with you, YOU HAVE CHEATED ON AND ABANDONED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY. This ho gotta go.

No shit, besides, we aren't talking about a one-nighter, this lasted SIX FUCKING MONTHS, there is absolutely NO excuse.

Plenty of soldiers go away on deployment for 6 months at a time, and you don't see (all) the wives cheating....besides, he was home on the weekends which is when most people spend time together anyway...marriage doesn't mean "stay faithful only when convienent.."

I say get rid of her, but ultimately it's something that only you can choose for yourself.

 

[Spectre]

I reread every post this am, and I appreciate the insight and support from every one of you. Honestly it make things easier at this point. It's a nice external reference point to keep things in perspective. But today is going to be a little more painful than the most, it's our 10 year.

I will and want to do the counseling, even if I know in my mind we won't make it, I think talking it through period will help the healing process for the both of us even if I decide her to go. You must remember guys/gals, I have deal with this person for a at least 10-13 more years. BM is right on the point that hold the higher moral hand and sleep good, but I kindly disagree with financial advice.

thank-you from my heart.

 

[dballer]

I was actually thinking about asking my girlfriend to marry me until I read this thread. The whole cheating thing bothers me to the point that I feel I can only trust women as friends. I get too worried that once I let myself fall in love.. this is going to happen to me. I am 100% loyal. I believe that when you fall in love that there is nothing in the world that should break that bond. From all of the stories I have heard about women cheating on men.. (not saying men don't do it) I think I would rather keep my hobbies and just be happy alone. To be honest.. this story almost makes me want to break up with my girlfriend.

I truly hope you make the right choice. If you do decide to leave and worry about the kids.. think about how you would feel if mom cheated on dad and dad left.. I know if it were my family.. I would help dad kill mom.. or vice-versa.

 

[THeMaCHinE]

Plenty of soldiers go away on deployment for 6 months at a time, and you don't see (all) the wives cheating....besides, he was home on the weekends which is when most people spend time together anyway...marriage doesn't mean "stay faithful only when convienent.."

The divorce and infidelity rate is very high in the active military. In general, people need their significant others there, in the flesh, for relationships to work. And, if for months on end, they aren't there, somebody will eventually step in to fill the needs of companionship, intimacy, conversation, etc... Ask any guy, Platehead Jim for example, that's experienced in having affairs with married folks -- these people are desparate for attention and having their needs met. And soon they are in a mess they never intended to be in and have feelings for a person that they were never supposed to have feelings for. And the betrayed rarely even get what's up until it's too late.

I'm not saying it justifies cheating or whatever -- that's obviously a terrible, thoughtless and selfish thing to do.

But goddamn guys, you don't just get married and say "that's it, I'm married, that little piece of paper is all I need to keep things right -- now I can do whatever the fuck I want to do"; successful marriage is hard work -- it's like a garden, it requires a lot of tending and nurturing to grow.

Time together is key to a healthy relationship. On average, it takes about 10 hours a week of undivided, in-person attention with your significant other to make it work. That's time that the TV isn't on, you aren't doing bills, etc. Some couples require more, some less.

Complete, utter honesty about EVERYTHING and knowing where eachother are throughout the day are very important too.

It's work. But, when both people in a relationship put in extraordinary effort, the payoff is well beyond what one person can generate on their own.

Sadly, unlike a car or DVD player, marriage comes with no manual. It's not that people don't have their hearts in the right place, it's that people rarely know how to meet their partner's needs in the most efficient way.

What is one of your top needs may be very low on her priority scale and vice-versa. People spend a lot of time meeting the needs they perceive to be important, while failing to meet what may be the most important needs of a spouse. Frustration and backlash ensues. Identifying what needs to meet for your spouse is one of the most important things you can do in a marriage. And oftentimes, this usually requires direction from a counselor or program.

And, contrary to romantic Hollywood instant-gratification of feelings movies, a long-term relationship requires more than just love. Love alone is not enough. Time and investment of conscious energy to make it work are needed.

Anyways, this has gone on far, far longer than I intended. I'm out.

 

[Bikini Mod]

atlantabiolab .... that is one of THE BEST posts on here!!!! HANDS DOWN

Spectre, with all due respect how old are your children and is your wife the primary care-taker? Have you thought about what type of custody arrangement you would both enter into IF the marriage were to be dissolved?

If you get shared physical custody (which you WOULD NOT unless she agreed to it ESPECIALLY if the children were very young seeing as how you were gone so much - I am NOT SAYING that you are not a good and loving father. All I am saying is that being that she was the primary care-taker BEFORE a split, UNLESS SHE YIELDS WILLINGLY THAT IS HOW IT SHALL REMAIN! And don't let any fucking bottom-feeding scumbag attorney tell you otherwise because THEY ARE FLAT OUT LYING TO GET YOUR CHILDREN'S MONEY) the children will be with her AT LEAST HALF THE TIME. So by virtue of this fact the children will MOST CERTAINLY BE DUMPSTER DIVING ALONGSIDE YOUR EX-WIFE.

Does she deserve to be in the dumpster? Maybe yes, maybe no. That isn't for me to decide. As Jetisin and others pointed out - it takes two, and you seem to be an extremely honest and fair man.

I am speaking from experience. No matter what YOU think, if you REALLY want to make your wife suffer financially, no matter how lovingly you treat the children while they are in your company THE CHILDREN WILL GROW TO HATE AND RESENT YOU FOR MAKING THINGS HARD ON HER... BECAUSE IT MAKES THINGS HARD ON THEM.

I am not saying that she should be allowed to enjoy the same financial freedom that she did when she was "holding her end" of your marriage up. But what I AM saying is that the bigger prick you are to her - the more the children will grow to hate you because YOU ARE BEING A PRICK TO THEIR ONE AND ONLY MOTHER. She may have been a miserable failure as a wife to you, but by your own admission SHE IS AN EXCELLENT MOTHER.

I have bent over backwards to insure that my children are with their father. For me, my divorce was NEVER about money OR the children, but about respect and wanting to be treated the way that I treated my spouse. My girls know this. They have NEVER had to choose because of me - I ALWAYS YIELD TO THEIR FATHER BECAUSE I NEVER EVER WANT MY GIRLS TO BE PUT IN A POSITION WHERE THEY MUST FEEL THAT THEY HAVE TO CHOOSE ONE OR THE OTHER.

I have never fought him, but only defended myself and my girls. But even after "x" amount of time that becomes a mute point because of the way the legal system is set up. If a spouse wants to engage and fight, these things can drag on FOREVER and the only ones who suffer are the kids.

Every adult child of divorce that I have talked to 100% APPRECIATED IT WHEN EITHER PARENT WAS NOT A DICK OR A CUNT TO THE OTHER - whether it was about money or access to the other parent.... And regardless of how much it hurt the parent who essentially had to give WAY MORE than what "the law said" it was well worth it because chidren are not stupid. THEY KNOW THE TRUTH and THEY CAN SEE WHO IS THE ONE THAT IS "STUCK" TRYING TO FUCK THE OTHER.

You seem like a very decent man, Spectre. I could care less about your wife and from what it seems she has committed some agregrious errors BUT try to think when you make the decisions that you make who it is that will TRULY suffer or benefit from them. If the answer is 100% without a doubt YOUR CHILDREN, then by all means do whatever you see fit.

Remember, when the sun sets on your day the only TRUE JUDGES of your behavior (both yours and your wife's) ARE YOUR CHILDREN.... not a court of law, not your extended family and friends, not even the two of you - BUT YOUR CHILDREN.

Forgive me if I seem to harp on. But this is a topic that is very close to home for me and if I can prevent just one other child from having to go through the horror show that my girls have seen... then it will have been well worth every bit of it.... AND THEN SOME.

 

[Lumberg]

After reading the responses I have to agree with The machine. It's been 13 years. She cheated. It was in the past.

I think overall what's best for you guys is to explore counseling with the idea to try to make things work. You don't have to make a decision today but I think your original feelings were right on the money. You are already predisposed to try to stay together. Keep it that way and move forward.

 

[THeMaCHinE]

Yes, great words atlantabiolab.

 

[THeMaCHinE]

I was actually thinking about asking my girlfriend to marry me until I read this thread. The whole cheating thing bothers me to the point that I feel I can only trust women as friends. I get too worried that once I let myself fall in love.. this is going to happen to me.

Nothing risked, nothing gained. The surest way to go nowhere in life is to stay still.

With the right pre-counseling and attitude (as well as a continuing commitment to maintaining your marriage), you'll never have to go through any of this.

Hit the MB site in my sig if you have some time. If you are even *thinking* of getting married, the information is gold.

I know I sound like a f*&kin commercial, but it's only because I truly believe in what those folks are doing. Without them, I may have very well lost my marriage. It was damn close, even with them. But the stuff that my wife and I learned from them has made both of us the happiest we've *ever* been -- as individuals and a couple.

I firmly believe that if we'd have gone through their program prior to marriage we would have had *no* problems ever to speak of.

 

[Spectre]

I was actually thinking about asking my girlfriend to marry me until I read this thread. The whole cheating thing bothers me to the point that I feel I can only trust women as friends. I get too worried that once I let myself fall in love.. this is going to happen to me. I am 100% loyal. I believe that when you fall in love that there is nothing in the world that should break that bond. From all of the stories I have heard about women cheating on men.. (not saying men don't do it) I think I would rather keep my hobbies and just be happy alone. To be honest.. this story almost makes me want to break up with my girlfriend.

I truly hope you make the right choice. If you do decide to leave and worry about the kids.. think about how you would feel if mom cheated on dad and dad left.. I know if it were my family.. I would help dad kill mom.. or vice-versa.

Dballer!! NO NO NO!!!!!! Don't put up walls around your heart brother!!! They are too hard to tear down, I would rather love and be hurt than never to love with 1000% certainty. I think you may be a younger bro, this is a normal feeling. I'm realing in pain now but still wish to love and be loved like I have never been hurt.

I shocked at the number of folks who want to be violent really.. I have been trained every which way to kill and at 6'1 240, I can easily.. Yet I can't remember the last time I resorted to force, really. I guess it's peace through firepower.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Dballer!! NO NO NO!!!!!! Don't put up walls around your heart brother!!! They are too hard to tear down, I would rather love and be hurt than never to love with 1000% certainty. I think you may be a younger bro, this is a normal feeling. I'm realing in pain now but still wish to love and be loved like I have never been hurt.

I shocked at the number of folks who want to be violent really.. I have been trained every which way to kill and at 6'1 240, I can easily.. Yet I can't remember the last time I resorted to force, really. I guess it's peace through firepower.

I know that you'll be OK, Spectre. It'll take some time, but you are too decent a man to give in to negativity.

YOUR CHILDREN ARE TRULY FORTUNATE.

Here is something that a good friend told me just the other day when the shit hit the fan for me and I was faced with some very tough decisions.

"It isn't our circumstances that determine our character, but the way in which WE CHOOSE to react to them."

I am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing but, "That which does not destroy us..." And you are far too strong already to let something like SOMEONE ELSE'S weaknesses keep you from flourishing.

BE WELL.