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(I stole this from somewhere else - it made me laugh so I'm sharing)
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large unhappy live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend friom the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00.Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.
Get up,pick up your bag,and sing every song yopu have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now, take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping pong ball, an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST:
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime.
Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate
chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car
There. Perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST:
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for nine months. Now remove 10 beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now, proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large unhappy live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend friom the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00.Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.
Get up,pick up your bag,and sing every song yopu have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now, take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping pong ball, an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST:
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime.
Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate
chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car
There. Perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST:
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for nine months. Now remove 10 beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now, proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
