american jokes

[smallmovesal]

we kid because we love....

In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The American thought - "That bastard Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again".

 

[Y_lifter]

An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.

The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
America."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big
smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to Canada."

 

[Y_lifter]

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest
condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's
favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Bill, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power
to help you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Chretien.

Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color; at least 10" long and 4"
in diameter?" said Clinton.

"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up
and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make
1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in color; at least
10" long and 4" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "and print 'MADE IN CANADA; MEDIUM SIZE'
on
each one."

 

[Y_lifter]

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They

were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died

before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the

American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and

nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a

beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing

at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were

all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to

the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50,

and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the

other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the

price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

 

[Frackal]

Once upon a time there was a country called Canada. They never did anything interesting and no one really had even heard about them until they had a brief moment of international fame from the movie Southpark.

 

[Y_lifter]

William Shatner

 

[smallmovesal]

What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
"Multilingual".

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
"Bilingual".

What do you call someone who speaks one language?
"An American".

 

[smallmovesal]

A Cuban, a Frenchman, an American, and an American lawyer are riding on a train. The Cuban begins praising one his nation's most famous products.

"In Cuba", he says, "we make the world's finest cigars. Just smell this beautiful hand-rolled cigar. Furthermore, we make them in such abundance that we can waste them with impunity". Saying that, he tosses the cigar out the window of the speeding train.

The Frenchman responds, "Oui, that is quite true, and in my country we make the finest cheeses". He displays a hunk of fine cheese to the others and says, "France is famous for its fine cheeses, and we produce so much that we too can waste them without a thought." Saying that, he casts the cheese out the window of the train.

The American gets up and throws the lawyer out the window.

 

[strong island]

Once upon a time there was a country called Canada. They never did anything interesting and no one really had even heard about them until they had a brief moment of international fame from the movie Southpark.

OHHH...that's Canada. Good looking out bro.

 

[smallmovesal]

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.

"I hope you won't mind my asking," said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"

"Well," replied the Canadian gentlman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."

The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"

"Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.

The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?"

The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'"

 

[smallmovesal]

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

 

[Y_lifter]

Q: Why does it take 3 Americans to change a lightbulb?

A: One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough lightbulbs until one is found that isn't defective.

Q: How can you tell it's midnight at an American airport?

A: When you see the 8:00 PM flights taking off.

Q: Why do American 18-year-olds take sex education courses?

A: So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past five years.

Q: What do Americans call a TV set that goes five years without need of repair?

A: An import.

Q: How can an American be certain that the car he's just bought is actually new?

A: When it's recalled by the factory.

 

[Steroid_Virgin]

you are nuts smalls

 

[smallmovesal]

Only in America:
(Begun as a fictional list, but the real "Only in Americas" are funnier, or at least stranger)

Drive-through banks, pharmacies, and liquor stores.

Parking lots (car parks) larger than the buildings they serve.

Sugar-frosted honey-coated deep-fat-fried cheese sticks - and a Diet Coke.

Bumper stickers that say "Honk if you hate noise pollution".

Creationists who insist that the pharmaceutical drugs they use first be tested on monkeys and chimps.

Football in which the ball is carried or propelled much more by hand than by foot.

People who argue that human life is so sacred that abortion justifies capital punishment.

A country where the "Lower Forty-eight" states are north of Hawaii, and where the "Continental U.S" doesn't include Alaska, which is clearly on the same continent.

A country where everyone has time to mow their three-acre lawn each week, but no one has time to cook their own food.

People who value equality so much that they think discrimination should be used to create it.

Academic institutions known more for their athletes than their scholars.

A country where the Big Ten has eleven schools, and a fifth is four fifths of a quart.

A country where "evil-doer" and "do-gooder" are both negative characterizations.

A country that claims to hate lawyers, and that elects only lawyers to public office.

Prices of gasoline (petrol) prices that are a fraction of the price of drinking water - and people complaining about the price of gasoline.

A State Department that has nothing to do with the states.

"In God We Trust" written on every piece of money of a nation that alleges to separate church and state.

A country where only the well-to-do ride bicycles.

One of the world's most technologically advanced countries, with the most antiquated system of weights and measures.

"The Land of the Free" with the world's second highest incarceration rate. explanation

A principled refusal to ratify the 1989 United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child. (Somalia is the only other nation with the same principles.)

 

[smallmovesal]

An American presidential election features four candidates. One advocates negotiating new and more extensive arms control treaties, one wants to set up new programs for elementary scools, one wants to end all taxation and set up extra printing presses to print the money to pay the government's debts, and one advocates invading Mexico "to finish what we should have done in 1846". The one concerned about arms control smoked marijuana in college, the one concerned about education has a brother with connections to organized crime, the one with the innovative fiscal policies is a minister, and the imperialist has been charged with drunk driving five times. So which one wins the election?

The one who's never been accused of adultery.

 

[smallmovesal]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but they refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

 

[strong island]

An American presidential election features four candidates. One advocates negotiating new and more extensive arms control treaties, one wants to set up new programs for elementary scools, one wants to end all taxation and set up extra printing presses to print the money to pay the government's debts, and one advocates invading Mexico "to finish what we should have done in 1846". The one concerned about arms control smoked marijuana in college, the one concerned about education has a brother with connections to organized crime, the one with the innovative fiscal policies is a minister, and the imperialist has been charged with drunk driving five times. So which one wins the election?

The one who's never been accused of adultery.

I guess the jokes came with the computer too...did you get the free printer too??

 

[smallmovesal]

and i'm spent... hey, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

The following is allegedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[Y_lifter]

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop,clip-clop, bang, bang, clip-clop, clip-clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting.


What is the difference between a redneck divorce and a tornado?
Nothing. You're gonna lose the trailer either way!


A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"
"Yes, it does," replied the rancher. "Do you remember that part in the Bible when it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
"Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood," the visitor said.
"Well," said the rancher, "we got two and a half inches during that spell."

 

[Steroid_Virgin]

smalls needs to get laid

 

[smallmovesal]

smalls needs to get laid

no thanks... i'm driving

 

[the nature boy]

pretty funny how some people will get their feathers ruffled by these jokes. It's like making fun of someones hometown. Some people actually get in fights if you insult their hometown, like they own it or someshit. I am always amazed by imbiciles.

 

[Y_lifter]

2 things I feel are off limits as far as jokes go are my family and the size of my unit...