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about to disown my family
- Thread starter chesty
- Start date
details were promised...where they at
also....sorry bout that..sux we can't pick our family
also....sorry bout that..sux we can't pick our family
layinback
New member
Kathy and I have distanced ourselves from our families. She, from her mother,
father, siblings and a certain aunt. I had to distance myself from my mom. We
have infrequent contact, on our terms and we've established firm healthy
boundries with all of them.
We've been in therapy together since 2002 and it's made a huge difference
in our relationship and our relationships with others. Kathy and I are both
commited to personal growth and personal growth can be painful. It has
certainly gotten easier over the years, but it really is a lifelong pursuit.
Whatever the case may be, give this some thought and get a professional
outside perspective. Bro, when we are in the middle of something, particularly
when it's an emotional issue involving loved ones, it's almost impossible to
gain an accurate perspective. Oftentimes the way to strength is seeking and
accepting help. Think about it, if you had a severe medical issue you prolly
wouldn't think twice about consulting a physician.
So i let my brother and mom rent my house cause i had to take a jobs in another state. Told them what rent was (I am still covering a good portion of it) so first my mom loses job, no biggie I can cover. Then the rent starts showing up late, then for less than what it is supposed to be, then not at all. I work with bank and save my house for hem in the 11th hour. Explain what the pymt is going to be they agree. I get first pymt, then i get a txt about my sister needing to file bankruptcy to save her house so my brother says he is giving her 500 and wants me to pay 400 so she can file. Problem is his 500 is part of the mortgage he owes me. He tells me he is doing me a favor renting my house. I told him his first prority is to me and my house. If he doesn't pay his agreed upon rent I lose my house and he and his kids my mom and ohers then have no place to live. I tried to help my sister almost 5 months ago and she and her husband wouldn't listen. Now I am supposed to help her save her house while losing mine. Wtf?! He als said he might have to move out blah blah. I told him I ruined my credit to save this house for you so you could by it someday because you will never be in a position to buy one on your own and I ruined my near term financial future as well for you. Honor your commitment to me or I will no longer have a family except for means my kids. I am cashin in my 401k to cover my sisters bk. I can't do more than that.
Family that will fuck you over financially is a true joy to have, believe me, I absolutely empathize.
There was a thread about being too nice and someone brought up a good point about how being nice doesn't mean allowing yourself to be turned into a doormat, but the other thing you need to think about is that your being an enabler. As long as you keep recuing them, they'll never learn to take care of themselves.
Oh, and no matter what, don't fuck your retirement up for anyone, I cannot emphasize this enough. When YOU need help they won't be there for you. If she is so busted tell her to find a lawyer through community aid services or one willing to work pro bono. There are a LOT of free legal services (just google how to find a pro bono attorney).
There was a thread about being too nice and someone brought up a good point about how being nice doesn't mean allowing yourself to be turned into a doormat, but the other thing you need to think about is that your being an enabler. As long as you keep recuing them, they'll never learn to take care of themselves.
Oh, and no matter what, don't fuck your retirement up for anyone, I cannot emphasize this enough. When YOU need help they won't be there for you. If she is so busted tell her to find a lawyer through community aid services or one willing to work pro bono. There are a LOT of free legal services (just google how to find a pro bono attorney).
My rule after having a fallout with a family member of my own - is to never let anyone rent from you, or borrow money that you expect back. Give it to them (even if they promise to repay) knowing you wont get it back; and dont rent to family members unless you can cover when they cant pay you. I hd a fallout and it took me 6 years to speak to her again. I might be nice but I have a horrible angry streak and I'm kinda stuck up and I unfortunately dont forgive as quick as people would like
Why are you cashing out your 401k to help your sis? You wont get that money back; and you cant afford to hand over your future. You've got to say NO! Like MM said, she needs to fall down and land hard so she can stand on her own too feet herself and hopefully will do somehting to guarantee she can provide a roof over her head on her own without help.
Why are you cashing out your 401k to help your sis? You wont get that money back; and you cant afford to hand over your future. You've got to say NO! Like MM said, she needs to fall down and land hard so she can stand on her own too feet herself and hopefully will do somehting to guarantee she can provide a roof over her head on her own without help.
cw801
New member
Exactly.....not only is the government bailing everyone out and being the ultimate enabler, but you are doing the same thing for your family. Don't waste your 401k on them.....and do what you need to do to take care of YOU. Sounds selfish, but family members like that will suck you dry and leave you on the side of the road - they will NOT appreciate it. Some families are experts at manipulation........learn to become immune!!
never mix money with family or friends. I thought that was some kind of universal rule. Mix em and you'll loose both.
stosstruppe
Well-known member
God knows why people believe being blood tied somehow automatically imbues family members with magical properties such as loyalty, trust etc.
billfred
New member
Just had this same discussion at lunch about my wife's sister. They are going to lose their house - do a short sale. Want to buy a new one closer to work - we put down payment etc.
I told her be prepared to lose all $$ and be ok with it.
You can pick your friends and your nose but you can't pick your relatives.
I told her be prepared to lose all $$ and be ok with it.
You can pick your friends and your nose but you can't pick your relatives.
and your ass.
All is true. It is hard to turn away your family. When I was contracting I could handle their shannagins and I didn't need them as a renter. However, I got forced into taking a direct job and lost 40K a year and thought I could trust my family to at least honor their agreement with me. I think I was hoping for what I knew wasn't going to happen. I learned my lesson, never again. Although, it may be too late to save this family.
Stryker1992
Well-known member
Bro...any time you want to talk because I am in the same damn boat! You have no idea...
RADAR
Well-known member
I learned a long time ago don't mix money with family,i loand my cousin $10,000 dollars to keep him from loosing his home ,this was 30yrs ago,i have yet so see one dime of it!
I guess I will be the only voice of dissension, but only when it comes to the issue of your mother's welfare. I see by your bio that you are 45, so I'm assuming your mom is probably 65, or somewhere around retirement age. She's lost her job. I have no clue as to any kind of social security she may receive, but since she is still working I would assume it's very little. Unless your mom was some kind of monster to you, I really think it would be criminal for you to cut off ties with her. In regards to your siblings, you've done what you could for them. All you have to do is say 'no'. You don't really have to make a melodramatic issue of it. Don't initiate contact with them, just be civil if they approach you.
Stryker1992
Well-known member
calveless wonder
New member
you nailed it. great post
finances are the quickest way to fuck a family up
however, i could never completely alienate a family member for doing some shit that screws you over financially provided they have been good to you in the past and this hasn't been a pattern.
I guess, I am cashing it in because her kids need a home. It is only 900, I am sure I will never see it again. As for my mom, she can't afford to live anywhere. I would prefer they live in the house. My brother makes enough to pay for it he just doesn't manage his money well. If I could, I would have her live with me and not worry about things. I already pay her car insurance and for a cell phone for her. Not much, but I do what I can. I don't know, but I can't handle the passive guilt trips on me of them trying to make it out as though they are the victims. Yes, my mom is 65 and not in good health. But she won't listen to me or anything I say. They keep spending their money on everything but what they should be. And now I am in a rock and a hard place. I either play hard ball and force them to keep paying or they move out (on their own, not by my doing) and live in a shit hole place that the land lord will toss them out the first time they skip on rent.
Add on top of that we are having lay offs this month where I am at and no one will know until the 16th of sept who got axed. I have a job I can accept in Everette if I choose to, but I just got established where I am at, have great friends now, etc. But I will move if I have too. I will have to make a choice on whether or not to take the new job this week. I could always turn it down if I don't get axed on the 16th, but I would for sure be black balled from working for that company ever again.
Anyway, that is a different story. I will do what I need to, to take care of my family, even if I never talk to them again.
Add on top of that we are having lay offs this month where I am at and no one will know until the 16th of sept who got axed. I have a job I can accept in Everette if I choose to, but I just got established where I am at, have great friends now, etc. But I will move if I have too. I will have to make a choice on whether or not to take the new job this week. I could always turn it down if I don't get axed on the 16th, but I would for sure be black balled from working for that company ever again.
Anyway, that is a different story. I will do what I need to, to take care of my family, even if I never talk to them again.
You are a man of honor and I understand about having to do what you have to do that allows you to face your reflection in the morning. Believe me, I really, really do.
Just don't destroy your health over it, okay? Do what you can but don't let them drain the life out of you. When you have people who are close to you who are the kind of people will just take and take and take without a thought to how it impacts the lives of others they'll suck the life and spirit clean out of you and keep looking for more. Sometimes cutting them entirely out of your life is the only option left to save yourself.
stosstruppe
Well-known member
For real - breaking up my Gran's estate tore my mum & her siblings apart due to greed etc.
Virtually the exact same thing happened to my mother's family over the family farm, except in addition to the siblings hating each other's guts for the rest of their lives (that family is GOOD at holding grudges, they actually take pride in it), there eventually was nothing left of the estate because it got eaten up in legal fees. Talk about ironic. Nobody got nuthin'
