Please Scroll Down to See Forums Below
Whats the most pain you have endured?
- Thread starter The Angry Mule
- Start date
OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) from about 12 yrs old to 20. My teenhood wasn't really my own, and half of it was spent on Prozac, which was up to 4 a day towards the end. The first four or five years were the worst before the pills started fixing my head. Every unpleasant thought I had was my downfall, usually when my mind wasn't preoccupied with something else. Parents punished me for disturbing / keeping them awake at times,didn't know what was wrong with me and I couldn't explain it as I didn't know either. Gradually they understood and had some idea of what I was going through as more information about the condition was made available to them. I don't blame them, as they've been great parents, probably just frustrated more than anything else. Having to hide it from people was nearly crippling and I honestly don't know how I made it through some days. At that age it was somehow impossible for me to rationalize my thoughts and realize that they were just that and that only, no matter how much anyone tried to convince me. For some reason I couldn't grasp the fact that I wouldn't get a bad grade on a test if I thought of a failing student when finishing an assignment; become disabled if I thought of someone in a wheelchair when I walked into my house; die in my sleep if I thought of someone who had died themselves when I got into bed. I had no idea what would happen and it scared me. All I know is that I didn't want any of these thoughts in my head because something bad might happen.
Actually seeing anyone in person who bothered me only served to compound my struggles. It wasn't limited to people though; it could've been anything. A song, a type of food, or a commercial for a certain brand of shoes could trigger me to develop a miniature complex that would grow into something bigger. Over the years I had created hundreds, hell, thousands of pointless individual dilemmas for myself that may or may not have been tied into bigger concerns I might have had at any given time; all of which I don't really care to remember. They basically stopped me in my tracks, and I had to vanish them and replace them with something acceptable and good before I could continue
with or finish whatever I might have been doing at a given time. I guess I could say this was where the compulsiveness surfaced, and when it was hardest to hide from people and pretend nothing was bothering
me. My mind was a convoluted mess from which I had to dig deep to think myself out of. I was greatful for even one whole day of uninterrupted clarity.
I missed out on a lot of what most people take advantage of growing up,and the fun I did have wasn't enjoyed as much as it should've been,simply because I was too busy trying to hold myself together. The worst part was that at the time I didn't really no anything better. The pain of later realizing that sunk in afterwards.
On the upside however, after the dust has cleared, I now know my way around my mind like a motherfucker, and am probably more mentally and emotionally mature than I ever would've been otherwise, considering the
crazy albeit good hearted reckless abandonment I had before any sign of
trouble.
Looking back, I can now say that all of this was probably the most pain I hope I ever have to go through.
Actually seeing anyone in person who bothered me only served to compound my struggles. It wasn't limited to people though; it could've been anything. A song, a type of food, or a commercial for a certain brand of shoes could trigger me to develop a miniature complex that would grow into something bigger. Over the years I had created hundreds, hell, thousands of pointless individual dilemmas for myself that may or may not have been tied into bigger concerns I might have had at any given time; all of which I don't really care to remember. They basically stopped me in my tracks, and I had to vanish them and replace them with something acceptable and good before I could continue
with or finish whatever I might have been doing at a given time. I guess I could say this was where the compulsiveness surfaced, and when it was hardest to hide from people and pretend nothing was bothering
me. My mind was a convoluted mess from which I had to dig deep to think myself out of. I was greatful for even one whole day of uninterrupted clarity.
I missed out on a lot of what most people take advantage of growing up,and the fun I did have wasn't enjoyed as much as it should've been,simply because I was too busy trying to hold myself together. The worst part was that at the time I didn't really no anything better. The pain of later realizing that sunk in afterwards.
On the upside however, after the dust has cleared, I now know my way around my mind like a motherfucker, and am probably more mentally and emotionally mature than I ever would've been otherwise, considering the
crazy albeit good hearted reckless abandonment I had before any sign of
trouble.
Looking back, I can now say that all of this was probably the most pain I hope I ever have to go through.
wtlftr said:
I was fucked in the head growing up, and life was not very cool.
hanselthecaretaker said:
God bless you brother. Your life sounds similar to mine. I think the reason I gravitated toward security work and stayed there was because it was one of the only things I could handle with the problems that I've had. Lots of time to just think and it's hard to screw up and if you do, usually nooone cares. I will keep fighting and trying to figure it out. I have to for my daughter.
Buddy_Christ
New member
superdave said:
I know what you mean. Watched one guy get slammed up against the wall by 2 DIs while a third put his mask back on. He had already taken 1 breath of the gas and started flipping out. When they slammed him up against the wall to hold him still, all you could hear was him sucking in 2 lungfulls.
It was awesome.
biteme said:
Thanks man. That was actually the most detail I've ever gone into it with anyone, including close friends. I don't like to have people I know to know too much about me. And I doubt it would change anything in the end or help at all anyways, since people don't really tend to care about the past, even though it's the foundation of what we are today.
I just felt like getting it off my chest, on neutral ground.
Last edited:
The Angry Mule
New member
I have ocd and adhd aswell as depression so I feel you to bro.I am not on meds but I find absurd amounts of exercise really help me.It must be the natuarul feel good drug(seratonin)that stimulates my endorphins,but it does help.Hang in there and I'm sorry for your troubles.I also find thinking positive makes a difference also,well it does with me anyway,take carehanselthecaretaker said:
The Angry Mule said:
I don't have it anymore, and I doubt it's a coincidence that aside from the Prozac, it began to fade away when I started exercising more and lifting.
Similar threads
