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Today was my first family event without the wife, God Damn I felt like I was missing a fucking arm the whole time. I'm so used to having my partner, my best friend, my soulmate along with me, that I've forgotten how to "fit in" by myself. I'm the only single adult in the family now. While they all are talking about suburban American life as Happy Married Parents, I have nothing to talk about with any one of them, nothing to add in anyone's conversation. I felt like an outsider in my own family.
No one really wants to hear how I'm doing, about how I wake up in the middle of the night reaching for my wife who isnt' there, how I loathe going to bed without her, how I absofuckinglutely hate getting up alone in the mornings. How I don't get phone calls in the middle of the day from her just to say hello, how I eat alone most every night now, how my dog sits by the door waiting for a woman to come home who never will. How I can't fucking wait for this Christmas to be over with so I don't have to celebrate it alone in my house, how I'm going out for New Years with all of my married friends as the one and only Single Guy, the Divorced Guy, the guy they are all afriad of because it could be them next.
I'm glad that everyone is happy, their kids are doing well, Sue will drive Jim home because he is sleepy, Hank and Tara are going shopping all day tomorrow and having lunch together, Tom is going to clean the house while his wife bakes cookies and cakes all day, my brother and his woman are just going to snuggle and watch movies all day. Me, I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do, maybe I'll just go for a walk, alone. Maybe I'll take a sledgehammer to something just to make it feel like I do, utterly destroyed.
For now, I'm going to polish off this bottle of wine and get the next future empty bottle started, because it longs to be just empty glass again. And I need to pass out so I don't have to think about this shit. Time to crank the stereo just to stir the stillness and quietness of my empty house. Happy Fucking Holidays.
No one really wants to hear how I'm doing, about how I wake up in the middle of the night reaching for my wife who isnt' there, how I loathe going to bed without her, how I absofuckinglutely hate getting up alone in the mornings. How I don't get phone calls in the middle of the day from her just to say hello, how I eat alone most every night now, how my dog sits by the door waiting for a woman to come home who never will. How I can't fucking wait for this Christmas to be over with so I don't have to celebrate it alone in my house, how I'm going out for New Years with all of my married friends as the one and only Single Guy, the Divorced Guy, the guy they are all afriad of because it could be them next.
I'm glad that everyone is happy, their kids are doing well, Sue will drive Jim home because he is sleepy, Hank and Tara are going shopping all day tomorrow and having lunch together, Tom is going to clean the house while his wife bakes cookies and cakes all day, my brother and his woman are just going to snuggle and watch movies all day. Me, I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do, maybe I'll just go for a walk, alone. Maybe I'll take a sledgehammer to something just to make it feel like I do, utterly destroyed.
For now, I'm going to polish off this bottle of wine and get the next future empty bottle started, because it longs to be just empty glass again. And I need to pass out so I don't have to think about this shit. Time to crank the stereo just to stir the stillness and quietness of my empty house. Happy Fucking Holidays.
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