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I stole this from another site. Thought is was a bit funny.
The Fine Art of Flaming: by Paint CHiPs
INTRODUCTION: POSTIVITY BE DAMNED.
The art of flaming is one that stretches as far back in time as mankind itself. Ever since the very first Cro-Magnon man told his cave-mate to go eat a dick, the fine art of flaming had established itself as a very important part of our culture and society. From Socrates telling Plato to go fuck himself, to Peter the Great accusing all his subjects of being “little sheep-bitches”, to the great hip-hop flame wars of “East Coast-West Coast” that occurred in Germany during the Cold War, flaming is everywhere, always has been and always will be. However, flaming is often a very misunderstood practice, and also often very poorly executed, and it is for these reasons that the editors and myself have decided to establish some form of textbook on the subject. A great flame-war is like a great session of japscat. You want to raise a stink, you want to defecate on your subject, but you need to prepare yourself to ensure that your flames maintain a consistency and solidity that will be most effective. Nobody likes diarrhea, verbal or otherwise. So it is for these reasons that the editors and myself have decided to quest on this vast undertaking. Keep in mind however, that the standards of flaming changes with the times and situations, the contexts of flame war if you will. It is for this reason that this text should not be seen as the definitive work on the subject, but rather as a starting point, from which further discussion and thinking can spring from. This is by no means the Last Word, but rather an ad hoc collection of thoughts and observations sprung from the ilk of the stileproject forum. Also, feel free to make any submissions, diagrams, e(ad)ditions, appendices, or comments that seem appropriate.
With that said, let us get on to the body of this work…
CHAPTER 1: THE FLAMES THEMSELVES.
There are an infinite amount of categories that flames can be put in. Each flame is like a beautiful and unique snowflake. However, there are certain rules that apply to the vast majority of flames, and certain categories that suit the masses. It is these that we shall discuss here.
A. KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. We really can’t stress this one enough. Granted, when the flames are simply nothing more than personal attacks, i.e. “fuck you you fucking fuck”, than content tends to fall by the wayside, often necessarily so. If, however, you engage in a substantive discussion on a subject, being right is often your most important ally. Granted, this does not mean that differences of opinions do not arise. In fact, the vast majority of flame wars spring from just that: differences of opinions. If however you are discussing a black and white, wrong and right issue, it is very important to be (wh)®ightey. For example:
DICKLESS JOE: You are such an ignorant piece of shit!!! The bicep is the strongest muscle in the human body! That’s so fucking obvious! I can’t believe you’re so stupid as to not realize that, you asshole.
SCUMSUCKER: Actually Dickless, the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. Look it up, man.
EXODUS: I thought it was the ass.
DICKLESS JOE: You are soooo dumb!! The tongue? That doesn’t make any fucking sense!! I can lift over 200 pounds with my biceps!!! You couldn’t even lift two fucking pounds with the tongue!!! Are you on crack?!?
To the people who are aware of this little factoid, the tongue is indeed the strongest muscle in the human body. To these people, Dickless Joe comes across as being arrogant, dumb, and most important, dead wrong. Scumsucker wins, game set match. No quicker way to lose an argument than being wrong.
And take note of the small statement by Exodus is the above example. That is an example of a proper way to compose yourself in that situation. He could be serious, one could certainly make the argument that the gluteus maximus is indeed the strongest muscle in the human body, especially if one has been fucked in the ass as many times as Exodus has. Still, because he was unsure, he made his post a half-joke. Even if he is wrong, his post has humor value, and thus his bases are covered. We shall delve further into this area of discussion in Chapter II.
There are certain other ways to diffuse a situation like that in the above example, ways in which you can conduct a flame war if you aren’t sure whether you are right or wrong, and these shall be discussed in Chapter II as well. However, it is important to know what you are talking about, and if you do not, it is advised by experts in the field to just shut the fuck up.
To begin with, some guidelines to follow when conducting a flame-war, or simply when composing a single isolated and unsolicited flame (known as “being the lone-gunman”). The first rule of flaming is that there are no rules. That said, there are certain guidelines, and it is often the case that following said guidelines can lead to a happier, healthier flame war.
B. ADD SPICE. The average flame-war can get very boring indeed. Too many times we have seen flames that are dull and uninspired. Just telling your opponent that he is wrong over and over again gets old…fast. So try to spice it up a little. Small cliches like “you piece of monkey shit”, “felonious black midget”, and “go eat a dick” can often go a long way. You’d be surprised how quickly a well-turned phrase can make a good flame-war great. These are certainly not the only way to add spice, just the most heavily favored. Be creative!
And let it also be said that no flames should be conducted without any humor whatsoever. The flames that are too dry often send the wrong message. It is not just an argument, it is a performance! Remember, you are not in a little room with only your flame-subject. You have an audience! So be sure to add humor whenever possible. If you have no sense of humor, this may be difficult. If this is the case, than please seek the counsel of someone better versed in this subject than yourself. To flame with no humor whatsoever is to telegraph the fact that you are a very high strung person with no sense of humor who takes everything far too seriously. This is not a message you want to send for a number of reasons, the most important of which is that if you are flaming a person, currying favor with fellow forum members should always be in the back of your mind. Nothing worse than having thirty people flaming you and you stand alone. Usually that is a sign that you are hated, dead wrong, or both. So keep it lively, add humor, remember: what you are discussing is most likely not the end all be all of your life. There are more important things in life. Flame wars should be relished, not suffered.
C. VARY YOUR ATTACK. All too often we see flamers who stick to the same schtick, over and over again. This tends to lose currency with the other members of the community. After a few sessions of bland flaming, even if the flames are entirely justified, do not be surprised to find you are beginning to get flamed yourself. Try to make some large, debate-oriented attacks, arguing a point as if in a court of law. Then, when your opponent has matched your MO, try a single short post telling him to go fuck himself. This will most likely catch them off guard, and they will probably respond in kind. Then revert to the lengthy discussion posts. Repeat cycle. This will leave your opponent unsure of where you will go next, and that is always to your advantage. You have ensured your opponent is now flaming without secure footing. This is good. Also, some people prefer the paragraph long posts that are very mean but also very substantive. These can often be the most effective at flaming somebody, but still, try to switch it up every now and then. As we said before, the types of flames are infinite, so use your imagination, but be sure your flames have not become tired and stagnant, flames that everybody around has already seen one too many times.
D. SUBSTANCE IS KEY. Another one we can’t stress enough. Often times, in the course of an argument, a flamer will get personally offended, “lose it”, and then just start lashing out with no point other than sending the message that he does not like the other poster. The problem is that that point was probably received loud and clear a long time ago, and nobody likes a superfluous flamer. Remember, when a person says “to make a long story short”, it is usually too late.
There is nothing inherently wrong with that type of flaming (although see previous points), but what tends to happen is that the flamer loses site of the original argument and diverts onto the new subject, simple hate. This is bad. While it is perfectly acceptable to punctuate your argument with signs of loathing, keep to the issue at hand, or lose the argument.
E. THINGS TO NOT DO. To try to include every single Do and Don’t into this compendium would simply be too large a task, but we can make a few observations. Not wanting to single anybody out, names have been changed to protect the guilty. That said, here are a few examples of what not to do:
CHILD ACTOR: You fucking moron, you used the possessive form of its. You should have used the contracted double upgrade 6-cylinder flip-side Bavarian ass-master asphyxiated form with a whammy bar. You are a joke.
Nitpicking is never a good way too flame. Everybody, including yourself, probably makes spelling errors every now and then. To point that out is to become that lady that circles every misspelled word in the newspaper with a big red pen and then sends it back. In fact, it could be said that these sorts of posts are not even flames at all. The category “whining” would seem more appropriate. And a word of advice, when this occurs, it is generally best to let it go and not try to sink to your whiney bitch opponent’s level.
CHILD ACTOR: You are fat, ugly, and a terrible mother to your children.
This is another thing that is considered bad form: getting too personal. Granted, it can be an evilly effective way to flame somebody, but generally going down that road will leave you unable to feel love for the rest of eternity while your heart crystallizes into a black wheezing lump of coal that pumps a dark cold tar-like substance through your cold and lifeless body. It is also a sure-fire way to become a flame-bitch, which in turns leads you to become a flame-bot, but we are getting ahead of ourselves.
WHORE WITH HIV: I can’t believe how close-minded all you fucking people are. Why are you stereotyping me?
COON: I agree. You people are racist. Why can’t you see me for me? sniffle sniffle
GARY COLEMAN: Yeah. Quit calling me a felonious black midget too. Can’t you fucking guys realize that I’m not really Gary Coleman in real life? I can’t believe you guys are making fun of Gary Coleman like it’s really me. You are all morons.
sound of engines being started as entire forum gets ready to flame
Perhaps this is too apparent to state, but for the sake of the lower echelon of forum members, allow us to state the obvious. Handles are very important things, and should be chosen with extreme care. Recklessly beginning your forum life with a bad handle can be a mortal sin. If you pick a handle that is offensive, dumb, or with obvious jokes attached to it, do not be surprised if you get made fun of and flamed. So is life, motherfuckers.
As we have stating, this compendium is ever evolving, and never truly comprehensive. The previous examples are only scratching the surface. As more come along, please add them. But you get the idea.
And now that we have delved into the compositions of flames, let us now move onto defense…
CHAPTER II: DEFENDING FROM FLAMES: FLAME RETARDANCE.
When one embarks on a night of flaming, one must also be prepared to get flamed back. There are many ways to defend yourself from attacks. Generally, these don’t work once you have commenced flaming yourself, although a truly skilled flamer can use them at any point in a flame war to disarm his opponent. And again, the defenses to flames are too numerous to mention them all, but we have comprised a few that seem to work best. As in all things, use whatever suites you most.
A. Smilies.
Often the most effective flame retardant is our dear friend the smilie. The function of the smilie is a simple one, but also powerfully disarming. Because text cannot express connotation very well, the smilie allows the reader to know when something was said in jest. Consider the following comparison:
SCUMSUCKER: Fuck you guys.
That is a flame. It sounds angry. Now compare it with this:
SCUMSUCKER: Fuck you guys. J
With two simple characters, what was hostile is now benevolent. It now reads like, “awww, shucks you guys, quit messing with me so much”. Chances are Scumsucker would not get flamed in retaliation for that second example, but he very well may for the first one.
There are times when smilies are redundant. When things are obviously said in a joking fashion. These do not require the awesome might of the smilie, but still, remember that not everyone may share the same perspective on things as you do. Consider an example taken from the body of this text itself:
ME: And take note of the small statement by Exodus is the above example. That is an example of a proper way to compose yourself in that situation. He could be serious, one could certainly make the argument that the gluteus maximus is indeed the strongest muscle in the human body, especially if one has been fucked in the ass as many times as Exodus has.
As you see, a deliberate jab at Exodus was made. However, the authors did not feel it necessary to include a smilie there, for they felt a smilie would be superfluous, and would have even perhaps lessened the poignancy, and thus the effectiveness, of the joke. Use your own judgment in these instances. However, let it be said that any flame, even those obviously made in jest, can be taken the wrong way, and thus the use of smilies is heartily endorsed for most of these instances, especially the gray areas.
Even the most evil of flames can be softened with smilies.
B. THE HIGH ROAD
The High Road isn’t technically a way of flaming, but rather, a means of flame retardance, and in the right hands, a very effective means of flame retardance. The high road method consists of refusing to sink to the level of your opponent. Generally, these stances occur during a heated argument, a difference of opinion. A naturally nasty poster will join the fray and in the course of his discussion, will begin flaming the participants. Normally, they will flame back. However, there will always be somebody who chooses the high road. These participants will normally not even acknowledge the flames, but will just continue making their case. Often times, to add to the effectiveness, they will even single out the flaming posters points, arguing about what was substantive, but refusing to even acknowledge the flames. An example:
SCUMSUCKER: Art, in any form, is inherently subject. What is good at any given time is only good because enough people consider it so.
DICKLESS JOE: You’re a fucking retard, you faggot. You have no idea what the fuck you are talking about. You’re posting out of your fucking ass. Things can be objectively considered good. Led Zeppelin, whatever your opinion of them may be, are skilled musicians. I fucking hate Eminem, but I have to admit he is good at what he does. He has MC skills. You’re a fucking idiot. That picture by Paint CHiPs would never be good, no matter what people think you brainless faggot. Go eat a dick.
SCUMSUCKER: You make an interesting point there Dickless, but I still maintain that art is subjective. Do not confuse value with skill. You’re mixing up definitions of good. A mathematician can be objectively “good”, i.e. skilled at solving equations, but with art, value is subjective. What is considered “good” at any given time is subject to change. Picasso was a pariah. His stuff was seen as terrible and unskilled. But then opinions changed and he became revered. Look at Warhol and the NYC scene of the 70s. Big soup cans, graffiti, a large red dot in the middle of a big white space. Not particularly skilled, but seen as having value, of being “good”.
EXODUS: I thought it was the ass.
In the above example, Scumsucker has taken the high road. He is not acknowledging the flames, just the points. Generally, after awhile, Dickless Joe calms down and it stops being a flame war and becomes instead a discussion.
Let it not be said however that flame wars cannot be intelligent discussions, nor let it be thought that the authors are condoning the High Road as being somehow more enlightened. It is simply an option for disarming a flamer.
And one more note on this point, here is an example of a BAD form of the High Road:
STANDARDBEARER: You guys, just ignore Dickless Joe when he gets like this. You’re only making it worse. Whine whine whine.
That is considered “Fucking Up a Flame War,” very bad form indeed.
Also, High Roads can go wrong. It can be seen as being weak when done incorrectly. However, in the right forms, that method of flame retardance can be quite effective.
B. DISARMING CIVILITY
Another highly underrated form of flame retardance is Disarming Civility. While similar to the High Road in many ways, civility differs in that it acknowledges the flames, but does not respond in kind. By using this method, you can also often get your opponents to back down (“bitching out”) without ever spouting a single flame. They realize you’re not going to sink to their level, and they often realize that by continuing to flame, they will come off as being a dick. Consider this example:
DICKLESS JOE: Why are you always defending Anti-Stile! You fucking suck you little bitch!
SCUMSUCKER: I don’t always defend him, I just happen to agree with him a lot. You’re starting to piss me off. Why are you being such a dick? Can’t we just agree to disagree, or do we have to have a flame war every time we disagree? Do you want me to start flaming you, is that it? I’d prefer an intelligent discussion because I respect you, but I am not above flaming.
DICKLESS JOE (slowly backing away while maintaining eye contact and not making any sudden gestures): No, I guess I understand. It’s cool man.
By not automatically reverting to flames, but rather, trying civility, Scumsucker has once again won the day.
Also, by using this method you are afforded the opportunity to use the zenith of all flames: the veiled flame. These are flames that cannot be automatically detected upon first sight. Often the subject of the flame doesn’t even realize they are being flamed. This is when you can sit back at your computer, smug in the realization that you’ve just conducted your own flame war under the radar of your opponent, who at no point ever realized they were being dissed. This text is wrought with such examples. For a fun Sunday game, try and find them all!
D. FLAMERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!
Another highly effective method of flame retardance is to have many allies. There are many ways to achieve this. One is simple longevity. Stick around long enough and for better or for worse people will respect you. This is known as “becoming royalty”. Royalty has been around for a long time and has had plenty of chances to politically maneuver, to make alliances. This becomes very apparent when a member of royalty gets flamed by anybody except another member of royalty. Watch as the wolves come out of the woodwork and devour the sole flamer!
HIS HIGHNESS: You’re being immature.
DICKLESS JOE: Fuck off. You think you own this fucking board? You’re nothing but a pathetic loser. You suck.
(Sound of stampede)
SCUMSUCKER: Dickless, you have no idea what you are talking about you piece of monkey shit!
ANTI-SCUMSUCKER: Fuck off Dickless. I hope you fucking die! Leave this board, never to return! You are a pathetic shrimp and I own your dumb ass.
OLD GUY: They’re right, Dickless has been around for a lot longer than you have you little dick.
MAN-BITCH: Dickless, go fuck yourself.
And on and on and on.
Royalty is not the only way to achieve a number of allies. If you side with another poster in an argument, often they will be more reticent to flame you in the future and more likely to back you up. Or, again, by simply being more reasonable and intelligent than your opponent is, you will find allies.
Another practice that can help in achieving success is what is known as “Greasing the Tip Jar”. This refers to the lounge lizard practice of putting a few dollars in his own tip jar, making it apparent to others that they should also tip. Greasing the Tip Jar in a flame-war simply means you privately contact another member of the board, preferably an on-line friend, and ask them to back you up. Often, even one post in your defense can curry favor with other lurking posters who are currently sitting on the fence. While the practice is frowned upon in most cases, it can sometimes be a necessary evil.
Another form of Greasing the Tip Jar is using your own alter-egos as allies. Try to avoid doing this except when absolutely necessary, as it can also be more trouble than it’s worth, and often times you will get too drunk and accidentaly post with your alter ego instead of your true identity. This simply confuses people, nulls the flame war, and forces you to admit your alter ego. So try to avoid doing this at all costs.
The Fine Art of Flaming: by Paint CHiPs
INTRODUCTION: POSTIVITY BE DAMNED.
The art of flaming is one that stretches as far back in time as mankind itself. Ever since the very first Cro-Magnon man told his cave-mate to go eat a dick, the fine art of flaming had established itself as a very important part of our culture and society. From Socrates telling Plato to go fuck himself, to Peter the Great accusing all his subjects of being “little sheep-bitches”, to the great hip-hop flame wars of “East Coast-West Coast” that occurred in Germany during the Cold War, flaming is everywhere, always has been and always will be. However, flaming is often a very misunderstood practice, and also often very poorly executed, and it is for these reasons that the editors and myself have decided to establish some form of textbook on the subject. A great flame-war is like a great session of japscat. You want to raise a stink, you want to defecate on your subject, but you need to prepare yourself to ensure that your flames maintain a consistency and solidity that will be most effective. Nobody likes diarrhea, verbal or otherwise. So it is for these reasons that the editors and myself have decided to quest on this vast undertaking. Keep in mind however, that the standards of flaming changes with the times and situations, the contexts of flame war if you will. It is for this reason that this text should not be seen as the definitive work on the subject, but rather as a starting point, from which further discussion and thinking can spring from. This is by no means the Last Word, but rather an ad hoc collection of thoughts and observations sprung from the ilk of the stileproject forum. Also, feel free to make any submissions, diagrams, e(ad)ditions, appendices, or comments that seem appropriate.
With that said, let us get on to the body of this work…
CHAPTER 1: THE FLAMES THEMSELVES.
There are an infinite amount of categories that flames can be put in. Each flame is like a beautiful and unique snowflake. However, there are certain rules that apply to the vast majority of flames, and certain categories that suit the masses. It is these that we shall discuss here.
A. KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. We really can’t stress this one enough. Granted, when the flames are simply nothing more than personal attacks, i.e. “fuck you you fucking fuck”, than content tends to fall by the wayside, often necessarily so. If, however, you engage in a substantive discussion on a subject, being right is often your most important ally. Granted, this does not mean that differences of opinions do not arise. In fact, the vast majority of flame wars spring from just that: differences of opinions. If however you are discussing a black and white, wrong and right issue, it is very important to be (wh)®ightey. For example:
DICKLESS JOE: You are such an ignorant piece of shit!!! The bicep is the strongest muscle in the human body! That’s so fucking obvious! I can’t believe you’re so stupid as to not realize that, you asshole.
SCUMSUCKER: Actually Dickless, the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. Look it up, man.
EXODUS: I thought it was the ass.
DICKLESS JOE: You are soooo dumb!! The tongue? That doesn’t make any fucking sense!! I can lift over 200 pounds with my biceps!!! You couldn’t even lift two fucking pounds with the tongue!!! Are you on crack?!?
To the people who are aware of this little factoid, the tongue is indeed the strongest muscle in the human body. To these people, Dickless Joe comes across as being arrogant, dumb, and most important, dead wrong. Scumsucker wins, game set match. No quicker way to lose an argument than being wrong.
And take note of the small statement by Exodus is the above example. That is an example of a proper way to compose yourself in that situation. He could be serious, one could certainly make the argument that the gluteus maximus is indeed the strongest muscle in the human body, especially if one has been fucked in the ass as many times as Exodus has. Still, because he was unsure, he made his post a half-joke. Even if he is wrong, his post has humor value, and thus his bases are covered. We shall delve further into this area of discussion in Chapter II.
There are certain other ways to diffuse a situation like that in the above example, ways in which you can conduct a flame war if you aren’t sure whether you are right or wrong, and these shall be discussed in Chapter II as well. However, it is important to know what you are talking about, and if you do not, it is advised by experts in the field to just shut the fuck up.
To begin with, some guidelines to follow when conducting a flame-war, or simply when composing a single isolated and unsolicited flame (known as “being the lone-gunman”). The first rule of flaming is that there are no rules. That said, there are certain guidelines, and it is often the case that following said guidelines can lead to a happier, healthier flame war.
B. ADD SPICE. The average flame-war can get very boring indeed. Too many times we have seen flames that are dull and uninspired. Just telling your opponent that he is wrong over and over again gets old…fast. So try to spice it up a little. Small cliches like “you piece of monkey shit”, “felonious black midget”, and “go eat a dick” can often go a long way. You’d be surprised how quickly a well-turned phrase can make a good flame-war great. These are certainly not the only way to add spice, just the most heavily favored. Be creative!
And let it also be said that no flames should be conducted without any humor whatsoever. The flames that are too dry often send the wrong message. It is not just an argument, it is a performance! Remember, you are not in a little room with only your flame-subject. You have an audience! So be sure to add humor whenever possible. If you have no sense of humor, this may be difficult. If this is the case, than please seek the counsel of someone better versed in this subject than yourself. To flame with no humor whatsoever is to telegraph the fact that you are a very high strung person with no sense of humor who takes everything far too seriously. This is not a message you want to send for a number of reasons, the most important of which is that if you are flaming a person, currying favor with fellow forum members should always be in the back of your mind. Nothing worse than having thirty people flaming you and you stand alone. Usually that is a sign that you are hated, dead wrong, or both. So keep it lively, add humor, remember: what you are discussing is most likely not the end all be all of your life. There are more important things in life. Flame wars should be relished, not suffered.
C. VARY YOUR ATTACK. All too often we see flamers who stick to the same schtick, over and over again. This tends to lose currency with the other members of the community. After a few sessions of bland flaming, even if the flames are entirely justified, do not be surprised to find you are beginning to get flamed yourself. Try to make some large, debate-oriented attacks, arguing a point as if in a court of law. Then, when your opponent has matched your MO, try a single short post telling him to go fuck himself. This will most likely catch them off guard, and they will probably respond in kind. Then revert to the lengthy discussion posts. Repeat cycle. This will leave your opponent unsure of where you will go next, and that is always to your advantage. You have ensured your opponent is now flaming without secure footing. This is good. Also, some people prefer the paragraph long posts that are very mean but also very substantive. These can often be the most effective at flaming somebody, but still, try to switch it up every now and then. As we said before, the types of flames are infinite, so use your imagination, but be sure your flames have not become tired and stagnant, flames that everybody around has already seen one too many times.
D. SUBSTANCE IS KEY. Another one we can’t stress enough. Often times, in the course of an argument, a flamer will get personally offended, “lose it”, and then just start lashing out with no point other than sending the message that he does not like the other poster. The problem is that that point was probably received loud and clear a long time ago, and nobody likes a superfluous flamer. Remember, when a person says “to make a long story short”, it is usually too late.
There is nothing inherently wrong with that type of flaming (although see previous points), but what tends to happen is that the flamer loses site of the original argument and diverts onto the new subject, simple hate. This is bad. While it is perfectly acceptable to punctuate your argument with signs of loathing, keep to the issue at hand, or lose the argument.
E. THINGS TO NOT DO. To try to include every single Do and Don’t into this compendium would simply be too large a task, but we can make a few observations. Not wanting to single anybody out, names have been changed to protect the guilty. That said, here are a few examples of what not to do:
CHILD ACTOR: You fucking moron, you used the possessive form of its. You should have used the contracted double upgrade 6-cylinder flip-side Bavarian ass-master asphyxiated form with a whammy bar. You are a joke.
Nitpicking is never a good way too flame. Everybody, including yourself, probably makes spelling errors every now and then. To point that out is to become that lady that circles every misspelled word in the newspaper with a big red pen and then sends it back. In fact, it could be said that these sorts of posts are not even flames at all. The category “whining” would seem more appropriate. And a word of advice, when this occurs, it is generally best to let it go and not try to sink to your whiney bitch opponent’s level.
CHILD ACTOR: You are fat, ugly, and a terrible mother to your children.
This is another thing that is considered bad form: getting too personal. Granted, it can be an evilly effective way to flame somebody, but generally going down that road will leave you unable to feel love for the rest of eternity while your heart crystallizes into a black wheezing lump of coal that pumps a dark cold tar-like substance through your cold and lifeless body. It is also a sure-fire way to become a flame-bitch, which in turns leads you to become a flame-bot, but we are getting ahead of ourselves.
WHORE WITH HIV: I can’t believe how close-minded all you fucking people are. Why are you stereotyping me?
COON: I agree. You people are racist. Why can’t you see me for me? sniffle sniffle
GARY COLEMAN: Yeah. Quit calling me a felonious black midget too. Can’t you fucking guys realize that I’m not really Gary Coleman in real life? I can’t believe you guys are making fun of Gary Coleman like it’s really me. You are all morons.
sound of engines being started as entire forum gets ready to flame
Perhaps this is too apparent to state, but for the sake of the lower echelon of forum members, allow us to state the obvious. Handles are very important things, and should be chosen with extreme care. Recklessly beginning your forum life with a bad handle can be a mortal sin. If you pick a handle that is offensive, dumb, or with obvious jokes attached to it, do not be surprised if you get made fun of and flamed. So is life, motherfuckers.
As we have stating, this compendium is ever evolving, and never truly comprehensive. The previous examples are only scratching the surface. As more come along, please add them. But you get the idea.
And now that we have delved into the compositions of flames, let us now move onto defense…
CHAPTER II: DEFENDING FROM FLAMES: FLAME RETARDANCE.
When one embarks on a night of flaming, one must also be prepared to get flamed back. There are many ways to defend yourself from attacks. Generally, these don’t work once you have commenced flaming yourself, although a truly skilled flamer can use them at any point in a flame war to disarm his opponent. And again, the defenses to flames are too numerous to mention them all, but we have comprised a few that seem to work best. As in all things, use whatever suites you most.
A. Smilies.
Often the most effective flame retardant is our dear friend the smilie. The function of the smilie is a simple one, but also powerfully disarming. Because text cannot express connotation very well, the smilie allows the reader to know when something was said in jest. Consider the following comparison:
SCUMSUCKER: Fuck you guys.
That is a flame. It sounds angry. Now compare it with this:
SCUMSUCKER: Fuck you guys. J
With two simple characters, what was hostile is now benevolent. It now reads like, “awww, shucks you guys, quit messing with me so much”. Chances are Scumsucker would not get flamed in retaliation for that second example, but he very well may for the first one.
There are times when smilies are redundant. When things are obviously said in a joking fashion. These do not require the awesome might of the smilie, but still, remember that not everyone may share the same perspective on things as you do. Consider an example taken from the body of this text itself:
ME: And take note of the small statement by Exodus is the above example. That is an example of a proper way to compose yourself in that situation. He could be serious, one could certainly make the argument that the gluteus maximus is indeed the strongest muscle in the human body, especially if one has been fucked in the ass as many times as Exodus has.
As you see, a deliberate jab at Exodus was made. However, the authors did not feel it necessary to include a smilie there, for they felt a smilie would be superfluous, and would have even perhaps lessened the poignancy, and thus the effectiveness, of the joke. Use your own judgment in these instances. However, let it be said that any flame, even those obviously made in jest, can be taken the wrong way, and thus the use of smilies is heartily endorsed for most of these instances, especially the gray areas.
Even the most evil of flames can be softened with smilies.
B. THE HIGH ROAD
The High Road isn’t technically a way of flaming, but rather, a means of flame retardance, and in the right hands, a very effective means of flame retardance. The high road method consists of refusing to sink to the level of your opponent. Generally, these stances occur during a heated argument, a difference of opinion. A naturally nasty poster will join the fray and in the course of his discussion, will begin flaming the participants. Normally, they will flame back. However, there will always be somebody who chooses the high road. These participants will normally not even acknowledge the flames, but will just continue making their case. Often times, to add to the effectiveness, they will even single out the flaming posters points, arguing about what was substantive, but refusing to even acknowledge the flames. An example:
SCUMSUCKER: Art, in any form, is inherently subject. What is good at any given time is only good because enough people consider it so.
DICKLESS JOE: You’re a fucking retard, you faggot. You have no idea what the fuck you are talking about. You’re posting out of your fucking ass. Things can be objectively considered good. Led Zeppelin, whatever your opinion of them may be, are skilled musicians. I fucking hate Eminem, but I have to admit he is good at what he does. He has MC skills. You’re a fucking idiot. That picture by Paint CHiPs would never be good, no matter what people think you brainless faggot. Go eat a dick.
SCUMSUCKER: You make an interesting point there Dickless, but I still maintain that art is subjective. Do not confuse value with skill. You’re mixing up definitions of good. A mathematician can be objectively “good”, i.e. skilled at solving equations, but with art, value is subjective. What is considered “good” at any given time is subject to change. Picasso was a pariah. His stuff was seen as terrible and unskilled. But then opinions changed and he became revered. Look at Warhol and the NYC scene of the 70s. Big soup cans, graffiti, a large red dot in the middle of a big white space. Not particularly skilled, but seen as having value, of being “good”.
EXODUS: I thought it was the ass.
In the above example, Scumsucker has taken the high road. He is not acknowledging the flames, just the points. Generally, after awhile, Dickless Joe calms down and it stops being a flame war and becomes instead a discussion.
Let it not be said however that flame wars cannot be intelligent discussions, nor let it be thought that the authors are condoning the High Road as being somehow more enlightened. It is simply an option for disarming a flamer.
And one more note on this point, here is an example of a BAD form of the High Road:
STANDARDBEARER: You guys, just ignore Dickless Joe when he gets like this. You’re only making it worse. Whine whine whine.
That is considered “Fucking Up a Flame War,” very bad form indeed.
Also, High Roads can go wrong. It can be seen as being weak when done incorrectly. However, in the right forms, that method of flame retardance can be quite effective.
B. DISARMING CIVILITY
Another highly underrated form of flame retardance is Disarming Civility. While similar to the High Road in many ways, civility differs in that it acknowledges the flames, but does not respond in kind. By using this method, you can also often get your opponents to back down (“bitching out”) without ever spouting a single flame. They realize you’re not going to sink to their level, and they often realize that by continuing to flame, they will come off as being a dick. Consider this example:
DICKLESS JOE: Why are you always defending Anti-Stile! You fucking suck you little bitch!
SCUMSUCKER: I don’t always defend him, I just happen to agree with him a lot. You’re starting to piss me off. Why are you being such a dick? Can’t we just agree to disagree, or do we have to have a flame war every time we disagree? Do you want me to start flaming you, is that it? I’d prefer an intelligent discussion because I respect you, but I am not above flaming.
DICKLESS JOE (slowly backing away while maintaining eye contact and not making any sudden gestures): No, I guess I understand. It’s cool man.
By not automatically reverting to flames, but rather, trying civility, Scumsucker has once again won the day.
Also, by using this method you are afforded the opportunity to use the zenith of all flames: the veiled flame. These are flames that cannot be automatically detected upon first sight. Often the subject of the flame doesn’t even realize they are being flamed. This is when you can sit back at your computer, smug in the realization that you’ve just conducted your own flame war under the radar of your opponent, who at no point ever realized they were being dissed. This text is wrought with such examples. For a fun Sunday game, try and find them all!
D. FLAMERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!
Another highly effective method of flame retardance is to have many allies. There are many ways to achieve this. One is simple longevity. Stick around long enough and for better or for worse people will respect you. This is known as “becoming royalty”. Royalty has been around for a long time and has had plenty of chances to politically maneuver, to make alliances. This becomes very apparent when a member of royalty gets flamed by anybody except another member of royalty. Watch as the wolves come out of the woodwork and devour the sole flamer!
HIS HIGHNESS: You’re being immature.
DICKLESS JOE: Fuck off. You think you own this fucking board? You’re nothing but a pathetic loser. You suck.
(Sound of stampede)
SCUMSUCKER: Dickless, you have no idea what you are talking about you piece of monkey shit!
ANTI-SCUMSUCKER: Fuck off Dickless. I hope you fucking die! Leave this board, never to return! You are a pathetic shrimp and I own your dumb ass.
OLD GUY: They’re right, Dickless has been around for a lot longer than you have you little dick.
MAN-BITCH: Dickless, go fuck yourself.
And on and on and on.
Royalty is not the only way to achieve a number of allies. If you side with another poster in an argument, often they will be more reticent to flame you in the future and more likely to back you up. Or, again, by simply being more reasonable and intelligent than your opponent is, you will find allies.
Another practice that can help in achieving success is what is known as “Greasing the Tip Jar”. This refers to the lounge lizard practice of putting a few dollars in his own tip jar, making it apparent to others that they should also tip. Greasing the Tip Jar in a flame-war simply means you privately contact another member of the board, preferably an on-line friend, and ask them to back you up. Often, even one post in your defense can curry favor with other lurking posters who are currently sitting on the fence. While the practice is frowned upon in most cases, it can sometimes be a necessary evil.
Another form of Greasing the Tip Jar is using your own alter-egos as allies. Try to avoid doing this except when absolutely necessary, as it can also be more trouble than it’s worth, and often times you will get too drunk and accidentaly post with your alter ego instead of your true identity. This simply confuses people, nulls the flame war, and forces you to admit your alter ego. So try to avoid doing this at all costs.
