Simpsons Quotes!!

[aalox]

This is from the episode where Homer fattens up to over 300 pounds to go on disability. Homer has just prevented an accident at the nuclear power plant by falling into an opening to a gas tank and sealing it with his body.

Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
Bart: And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas --
Marge: Bart!

...like a slap in the face!

 

[2 ton hoss]

MOE AND THE LIE DETECTOR, WAS A HILARIOUS SEQUENCE TOO

 

[Lao Tzu]

MOE AND THE LIE DETECTOR, WAS A HILARIOUS SEQUENCE TOO

TESTER: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
MOE: No. (buzz) Alright maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him. (ding)
TESTER: It checks out. OK, sir, you're free to go.
MOE: Good, 'cuz I got a hot date tonight. (buzz) A date. (buzz) Dinnerwith friends. (buzz) Dinner alone. (buzz) Alright, I'm gonna sit at homeand ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. (buzz) Sears catalog.(ding) Now would you unhook this already please? I don't deserve this kindof shampy treatment. (buzz)

 

[Lao Tzu]

WITNESS RELOCATION GUY: Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson,"and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
HOMER: No problem.
WITNESS RELOCATION GUY: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
HOMER: I think he's talking to you.


HOMER: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip.

HOMER: Yes, honey.
LISA: Then what should I do?
HOMER: Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball, and release itat an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskeybottle. Remember that? When Daddy hit the referee? Yeah.

LISA: Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight without dietingor lifting a finger?
HOMER: I'd say you're a lying scumbag. Why sweetie?

HOMER: Now, kids, while your mother's gone, I don't want to have to wash any dishes.So from now on, drink straight from the faucet or milk carton, and we'lleat while standing over the sink or toilet.


Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal:
You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."

"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"

"The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."

"And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

 

[The Almighty]

From Halloween XI

Homer:...Ah Ill just check my horoscope.......today you will die...
Marge: What?!?!
Homer: OOH, and you may get a compliment from an attractive co-worker. Lenny?
Marge: I better check my horoscope....today your husband will die.

Flash Forward to the nuclear plant

Lenny: Homer, if I may compliment you...
Homer: Yes...
Lenny: That is oonnee fine rattlesnake biting your arm.
Carl: Yeah thats quite fetching, but arent you worried about the deadliness?
Homer: Nah, hell get tired of biting in an hour or so. Snakes...natures quitters.

 

[aalox]

Some one-liners...

Homer: Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex.

Chalmers: Good lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt.

Homer: Well, this time I'm drunk on love... and beer.

Sideshow Bob: No, Selma. <This> is lying. [puts on an absurd smile] That was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never made me want to retch.

Lovejoy: I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss... each other.

Mother: Oh, I don't know what's the matter with Jimmy. He won't do his homework, he only salutes the flag with one finger, and he comes home every night with other peoples' blood on his shirt.

 

[CytoMel]

"Exxxxxxxxxcelent!"
-Charles Montgomery Burns

"Eat my shorts!"
-Bart Simpson

 

[the nature boy]

Here's a good one from homer. it was the episode where Burns loses all of his money and Lisa helps him get back on his feet. Burns builds this facility that scoops up all kinds of sea creatures and converts them to "slurry" much to Lisa's dismay. When she goes to homer to tell him what happened, homer giver her this gem of wisdom:

Homer - Lisa you learned a valuable lesson today. Never help anyone.



does anyone have the sequence between Principal Chamer and Skinner when Skinner invites Chamer over to his house for dinner?

 

[aalox]

does anyone have the sequence between Principal Chamer and Skinner when Skinner invites Chamer over to his house for dinner?

It's in this episode:

http://www.snpp.com/episodes/3F18.html

 

[smallmovesal]

Elsewhere in Springfield, Superintendent Chalmers walks up to the
door of a neatly-kept house. Principal Skinner greets him there.
Chalmers just grunts as the two men go inside. Skinner heads for
the kitchen, where he notices smoke billowing out from the stove.
The worst has happened -- the roast he has prepared is burnt.
Skinner, however, has an ace up his sleeve. He plans to purchase
fast food from the Krusty Burger across the street and pass it as his
own cooking. Skinner starts to climb out the window when Chalmers
suddenly comes into the kitchen.

Chalmers: Seymour!
Skinner: Superintendent; I was just, uh, just stretching my calves on
the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me?
Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?
Skinner: Uh, oh, that isn't smoke, it's steam. Steam from the steamed
clams we're having. [rubs stomach] Mmm -- steamed clams.
-- Skinner and the Superintendent,
"Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Either Chalmers is satisfied with this explanation, or decides not
to pursue the matter further. In any case, he goes back to the
dining room. Skinner jumps out the window and runs over to the
Krusty Burger after Chalmers leaves.

A few minutes later, Skinner makes an entrance the dining room
carrying a big platter of Krusty Burgers.

Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering
hamburgers.
Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Skinner: Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams." That's what I call
hamburgers.
Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams.
Skinner: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Skinner: Uh, upstate New York.
Chalmers: Really. Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use
the phrase, "steamed hams."
Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no; it's an Albany expression.
Chalmers: I see.
-- Skinner and the Superintendent,
"Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Chalmers suspends his disbelief long enough to enjoy some of
Skinner's steamed hams.

Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones the
have at Krusty Burger.
Skinner: [laughs] Oh, no, patented Skinner Burgers. Old family
recipe.
Chalmers: For steamed hams.
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that
they are obviously grilled. [shows Skinner the grill marks]
Skinner: Uh ... you know ... one thing I sh-- ... 'scuse me for one
second.
Chalmers: Of course.
-- Skinner and the Superintendent,
"Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Skinner retires to the kitchen for a second. When he walks back
into the dining room, we can see that the entire kitchen is in
flames.

Skinner: [faking a yawn] Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had
by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be --
[notes entire kitchen is on fire]
Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? A this time of day?
In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your
kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
-- Skinner and Superintendent,
"Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

Skinner escorts Chalmers back outside.

Agnes: [offscreen] Seymour! The house is on fire!
Skinner: No, mother. It's just the Northern Lights.
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you
steam a good ham.
[Chalmers walks off. He looks back at Skinner, who flashes
him the "thumbs-up" sign]
Agnes: Help! Help!
-- Skinner and the Superintendent,
"Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield"

A fire engines rushes to the Skinners' rescue. It rushes past
Homer, who is carrying Maggie, a bundle of groceries, and is holding
Santa's Little Helper's leash. He notices a disturbing news story in
the "Springfield Shopper" kiosk -- Senator Helms (R-NC) is calling
for a tax on donuts. (Mmmm ... taxable food item.) Juggling the
baby, the groceries, and the dog, Homer pays for and gets his copy of
the paper. ("Done, and done!") He quickly realizes the mission
wasn't entirely successful -- somehow, Maggie got locked in the
kiosk! He fishes in his pockets for another quarter, but the coins
are all stretched out because of his stop at the railroad tracks.
Rushing off to get change leaves Maggie overly upset, so Homer
stays and tries various techniques to save her, all unsuccessful,
until he stumbled on the solution.