Please Scroll Down to See Forums Below 
Breaking news.. IM convo with the ex... I feel like complete shit.. I basically held off on talking to her for 2 weeks.. and now just totally caved.. I'm a mess.
_________________
(Her) (3:40:01 PM): Hey
(Me) (3:40:04 PM): hi
(Her) (3:40:05 PM): how are you doing?
(Me) (3:40:15 PM): eh so so
(Me) (3:40:26 PM): how are you?
(Her) (3:40:37 PM): I'm doing ok
(Me) (3:41:04 PM): i miss talking to you
(Her) (3:41:11 PM): yeah i miss you a lot too
(Her) (3:41:19 PM): have you been keeping busy?
(Me) (3:41:25 PM): hm
(Me) (3:41:27 PM): not really
(Me) (3:41:31 PM): its tough
(Me) (3:42:05 PM): i just went for a 3 mile run
(Her) (3:42:10 PM): thats good
(Me) (3:42:19 PM): that gives you lots of time to think though, which for me lately is a bad thing
(Her) (3:42:36 PM): hmm..im sorry:-(
(Her) (3:42:43 PM): i have no clue what the right thing to say is
(Me) (3:42:52 PM): i guessi I still feel like I have so many unanswered questions
(Me) (3:43:04 PM): or I just can get from point A to point B logically in my mind
(Her) (3:43:11 PM): can? or cant
(Me) (3:43:16 PM): can't
(Me) (3:43:18 PM): sorry
(Her) (3:43:20 PM): thats ok.
(Me) (3:43:21 PM): critical typo
(Her) (3:43:23 PM): ya
(Me) (3:44:23 PM): I still think of you as how I knew you for the majority of our time together
(Me) (3:44:43 PM): and I need to just come to grips with that fact that the person I loved just doesn't exist
(Me) (3:44:59 PM): at least not outside of my memories
(Me) (3:45:26 PM): Dave is moving back in here by the way. He and Jen are still going to try to stay together, but are moving out to give each other space.
(Her) (3:45:39 PM): oh woow
(Her) (3:45:46 PM): how is he doing?
(Me) (3:45:53 PM): Victor swears its something to do with San Diego, the only guys who can't keep their relationships in the SPP are the ones that moved down here
(Me) (3:46:09 PM): he says there is too much of the single lifestyle going on all around us
(Me) (3:46:22 PM): Dave's doing ok I suppose.
(Her) (3:46:28 PM): i dont think its anything worth generalizing about
(Her) (3:46:58 PM): has anything changed for you over the past 3 weeks at all?
(Me) (3:47:11 PM): I'm not sure
(Me) (3:47:15 PM): there are good days and bad days
(Me) (3:47:30 PM): but on the bad days I realize that the good days are just ones where I am most distracted
(Me) (3:48:02 PM): i just kinda long to be close to someone most of the time
(Her) (3:48:14 PM): yeah..a.nd for that im lucky to have my family with me
(Me) (3:48:22 PM): yeah
(Me) (3:48:37 PM): my parents try, but its not a role they are used to or are particularlly effective at
(Me) (3:48:48 PM): and friends try, but it only goes so deep, at least with mine
(Me) (3:49:01 PM): not that I don't have good friends
(Me) (3:49:12 PM): we're just not int he habit of laying our emotional issues on each other
(Her) (3:49:15 PM): yeah
(Her) (3:49:36 PM): andim not the person to be working through itwith you
(Me) (3:49:43 PM): i guess not
(Her) (3:50:03 PM): did you go out on friday?
(Me) (3:50:10 PM): it takes so much self control msot days not to reach out and contact you
(Me) (3:51:09 PM): i saw this email from you come across on intern.mail last week and I thought my hear was gonna beat out of my chest, i couldn't describe it.
(Her) (3:51:25 PM): yeah, i got one from you friday about cognos:-(
(Me) (3:51:38 PM): i did go to the show Friday
(Me) (3:51:41 PM): it was alright
(Me) (3:51:44 PM): dan and dave ewnt
(Her) (3:51:44 PM): i have been making an effort to stay out of your path, to help both of us
(Me) (3:51:50 PM): yeah...
(Me) (3:51:53 PM): thank you
(Me) (3:52:00 PM): not that I wouldn't want to see you
(Her) (3:52:01 PM): i sawyou at work one dya
(Me) (3:52:06 PM): but I don't know if I would handle it
(Her) (3:52:06 PM): you had a meeting right before mine
(Me) (3:52:06 PM): yeah
(Me) (3:52:09 PM): everyone told me
(Me) (3:52:14 PM): joanne, tod, etc...
(Her) (3:52:21 PM): i couldn't handle it and i realized im really not ready to see you
(Her) (3:52:29 PM): im actually not even really close to that point yet
(Me) (3:53:27 PM): yeah...
(Me) (3:54:04 PM): to me it just all feels so wrong still
(Me) (3:54:13 PM): friends say one day it will feel right, that I'll be glad, that its for the best
(Me) (3:54:26 PM): but to me, I think of that as self fulfilling prophecy.
(Me) (3:54:39 PM): to not admit that later in life would only be self defeating.
(Me) (3:56:37 PM): i feel like i've replayed every second of our time together in my head.. too many times
(Her) (3:56:42 PM): its good to hear that you've been working out
(Me) (3:56:50 PM): eh
(Me) (3:56:51 PM): ive tried
(Me) (3:56:53 PM): neil was sick
(Me) (3:57:04 PM): I'm 178 now, a contant sore spot for me
(Her) (3:57:13 PM): have you been eating???
(Me) (3:57:21 PM): trying to
(Her) (3:59:24 PM): are you following all teh good advice you're getting?:
(Me) (4:00:42 PM): i try
(Me) (4:00:54 PM): it just comes down to accepting what life deals you
(Me) (4:01:09 PM): which I know I am so good at in everyday life
(Me) (4:01:23 PM): but i've still got this feeling
(Me) (4:01:26 PM): that to accept
(Me) (4:02:01 PM): means to give up, foresake, something that I've got this underlying feeling about, such a strong feeling about, I can't bring myself to
(Me) (4:02:25 PM): an no matter how ashamed of myself I get, no matter how much of my diginity and pride I give away each time I give in and talk to you..
(Me) (4:02:37 PM): i still can't seem to come to grips
(Me) (4:02:48 PM): the best advice I got was the saddest...
(Me) (4:03:51 PM): "the woman you loved doesn't exist, and likely never did. She'll live on forever in your heart, memories, and dream. The person you want so desperately back and to talk to is nothing more then a stranger, wearing a face and speaking with a voice that you love"
(Me) (4:04:05 PM): I read that and try to force myself to believe nearly everyday
(Her) (4:04:33 PM): sometimes i just wish you were angry at mje
(Me) (4:05:26 PM): yeah, I guess the angry and bitter phase will come next.. that's another thing i'm not looking forward to, but I guess its better then pain.
(Me) (4:05:48 PM): that's just not the type of person I am, or how I like to be.
(Her) (4:05:55 PM): i know
(Her) (4:08:06 PM): dan was here this weekend
(Me) (4:08:15 PM): yeah?
(Her) (4:08:16 PM): i had a couple breakdowns, its sucked
(Her) (4:08:30 PM): really missing you but i know talking to you wont help either of us at all
(Me) (4:08:36 PM): yeah I saw the crying face
(Me) (4:09:21 PM): one of the tough things is, I always looked at us and our relationship pretty realisticly, pragmatically
(Me) (4:09:32 PM): but I never would have imagined it coming to this
(Me) (4:10:36 PM): and I enjoy every day with you, each more then the next for the most part. And the reason I think I really never focused in to closely on "issues" much is that I always felt that the best was always to come with us
(Me) (4:10:48 PM): again, not that something was wrong that I was waiting to right itself
(Me) (4:11:10 PM): just that I always looked to the future as this whole expanse of possibility, with so many great possible scenarios
(Me) (4:12:26 PM): then the other prevalant though I;ve had.. was I remember early on I got the feeling that you saw something in me, but couldn't put your finger on it.. but were always searching for it... and I told you that "hey im not that interesting.. don't get your hopes up" just because I didn't want you to be in love with something I wasn't, or something you hoped I was
(Me) (4:13:13 PM): and now I get this feeling, that it was like that.... that at first I showed myself to you in bits and pieces, as time went on, you got more and more of me... so much so that I think you know me better then anyone ever has... yet after all all that you said you still felt like you didn't understand me.
(Me) (4:14:00 PM): or maybe the bits and pieces of me were good.. but everything, the insecurities, the faults and flaws.... that was a deal breaker.
(Me) (4:14:44 PM): you were different about that, you let me know your faults, flaws, and insecurities upfront, from the get go
(Me) (4:15:04 PM): so as time went on and I got to know you inside and out, I found only more to love, and not much else to find fault in
(Me) (4:17:00 PM): when I miss you now, I think it goes deeper then just because I miss what we did together, or because I got dumped and that's never easy.. I seem to think it goes deeper. And I tend to think that hey.. if I'm feeling that way, Sarah must be feeling that was as well.. because afterall,. we were on the same page once right?
(Her) (4:23:21 PM): Brian i cant do this, its too hard
(Me) (4:25:12 PM): I know.. i said it too many times, but I'm sorry. This just ended so abruptly, I haven't been able to make sense of things even now weeks later. I still hold onto that inkling of hope that this was a phase, a rough time for you, conflicting feelings, etc.. but that you'd out of the blue want to once again talk through things as "us" and not strangers, and give some sort of an effort to figuring it all out together.
(Her) (4:25:45 PM): I didn't mean for it to be like this
(Her) (4:25:48 PM): i've told yout hat before
(Her) (4:25:55 PM): and i'm so sorry to be hurting you
(Her) (4:25:57 PM): it kills me
(Me) (4:26:26 PM): we had talked about this way early on.. before we were even boyfriend and girlfriend.... how it was scary, crossing over that line... and I remember saying I thought we'd both be able to deal with this, we're capable, smart, etc. I'm sorry, I didn't know it at the time, but I was lying..
(Me) (4:26:41 PM): i'm not as able as I thought to do it
(Me) (4:26:54 PM): if I was a 3rd party giving advice to you and I... I could give some great advice
(Me) (4:27:05 PM): but being here, living it, feeling it, I can't take my own advice
(Me) (4:27:20 PM): I wish I knew why, I wish I was stronger
(Her) (4:27:23 PM): bvrian these talks are like taking my heart and putting it through the garbage disposal, it HURTS
(Me) (4:27:45 PM): I feel the EXACT same way
(Her) (4:27:46 PM): it hursts knowing that im doing this to you
(Me) (4:27:49 PM): i wrote that down one day
(Her) (4:27:50 PM): do a good person
(Me) (4:27:53 PM): but it wasn't a talk
(Me) (4:27:59 PM): it was me just trying to sleep one night
(Me) (4:28:36 PM): the analogy I said was.. it felt like i had my heart ripped out, mashed to a pulp, then put back in...a nd was told.. ok, no go live life like this.
(Her) (4:28:41 PM): i hate myself for the pain im causing you
(Me) (4:29:24 PM): I hate myself for not being able to keep you in love with me
(Me) (4:31:23 PM): I suppose this all comes with the territory of letting someone in so close
(Me) (4:33:27 PM): and I'd still like to know one day, what really went wrong from you end. I think that's a big part for me to moving on, regardless of how painfull it is.
(Me) (4:34:04 PM): because I've broken things off with many people, and I can tell any one of my friends the reason(s)
(Her) (4:34:17 PM): well there isn't something im not telling you
(Me) (4:35:35 PM): I can't believe that... to end things after so long, and in the way it ended, there just has to be something... maybe its not something specific, but even general feeling... or a need that was not being met..
(Me) (4:35:56 PM): not knowing just makes me second guess EVERYTHING
(Her) (4:36:28 PM): Brian i thought we agreed i wouldnt' have to keep doing this...there is nothing to second guess, i just realized taht i wasn't acting in love and it was because i wasn't...i didn't feel that we each felt the same way and i couldnt' live with it anymore
(Her) (4:36:36 PM): this is torture
(Me) (4:36:49 PM): you woke up that Saturday moring snuggled into my chest and I feel back to sleep.. 12 hours later, you couldn't tell me you loved me.
(Me) (4:36:51 PM): ahh i know
(Me) (4:37:11 PM): i keep thinking this will never happen again, but I just ccan't seem to reconcile
(Her) (4:37:45 PM): im not saying it should make sense, or that its logical, or that it seems wrong that you dont "get it"...all im saying ist aht i cant keep doing this over and over again'
(Me) (4:38:14 PM): i guess i just can't understand...
(Me) (4:38:20 PM): i've never been in your shoes
(Me) (4:38:26 PM): i've never broken up with anyone I was in love with
(Me) (4:38:30 PM): for me its always easy
(Me) (4:38:39 PM): because you just realize that feelings are happening...
(Me) (4:38:56 PM): so you end it.. and its for the best.. and there is little to no sense of loss
(Me) (4:40:13 PM): but this is so different, in this case I felt "something" that weird generalize feeling that people talk about so much.. that I probably would have laughed at when I was younger.. what poeple call "clicking" or :"chemistry" or "the zing" I felt it from the first day we kissed.. which is another thing I would probably never believed was possible had it n ot happened to me.. I would have called it lust
(Me) (4:41:41 PM): and it grew.. I remembre early on I was the one feeling a little suoffocated.. it was a slow transition going from being single, or dating life, to seeing someone regularly.. i couldn't handle every day at first... and then, as I had hoped, I wanted to see you everday... things grew, feelings changed, just as I had hope they would but could not have predicted.. all that seems natural and normal to me in hindsight
(Me) (4:42:38 PM): until the end... then something just throws me for a loop.. something I can't get over.... I can't seem to force myself to accept... and I think its because its something that can't be forced.. you can't be force yourself in love no matter how much you;d like to, and you can't force yourself out no matter how much it would better your life.
(Me) (4:44:20 PM): and I know you weren't acting like you were in love... and it happens... we got out of synch somehow... but you made the decision and said, we've falled so far off the tracks we can't get back on... I tend to think the opposite..that falling off the tracks is natural, normal, a part of life, loving, growing, living, but in some cases for whatever reason, you find yourself on a path that no matter how tough it gets or how far you stray from it, you always seem to come back to it without fail
(Her) (4:47:12 PM): Brian have you let yourself be completely honest and open with anyone other than me?
(Me) (4:47:39 PM): yeah
(Me) (4:47:52 PM): not in person though, too tough
(Me) (4:48:07 PM): I've talked to Nicole and Christina about it..b oth friends from up north
(Me) (4:48:09 PM): its frustrating though
(Me) (4:48:16 PM): Christina says "wow I can't believe this is affecting you so much"
(Me) (4:48:31 PM): Nicole says "you'll get over it, and you'll get over it much faster then anyone else I know would"
(Me) (4:48:51 PM): that's such bullshit and only reinforces my feeling more... I've never feel like this, felt like this, acted like this
(Me) (4:49:07 PM): there is a reason for that I am sure
(Me) (4:50:00 PM): and to be honest, it gets embarrasing many times..
(Me) (4:50:31 PM): i explain waht you told me.. that you wanted to be single, be on your own, that your life has been laid out for you quite a bit, that you were uncomfortable living at home, and your job wasn't the best, and that you didn't like who you were in the relationship
(Me) (4:50:39 PM): So the first question is... "so is she moving out too?"
(Me) (4:50:54 PM): that's breaks my heart... I was somehow the easiest thing to change, to let go.
(Me) (4:51:47 PM): ever think that you living on your own migth have changed the dynamic of our relationship a bit? me spending the night at your place? a change of pace and scenery?
(Her) (4:51:57 PM): id ont know
(Me) (4:52:08 PM): i did
(Me) (4:52:21 PM): and I always thought... we'll get to that point one day
(Me) (4:52:22 PM): no rush
(Me) (4:52:32 PM): i encouraged you to live at home, there are many positives
(Me) (4:52:52 PM): and I knew that you'd be out on your own at some point, so what's the rush
(Me) (4:53:55 PM): even me here, I would have loved for you to have spent the night more often, but I had to worry about roommates (we all made the big deal about Dave/Jen at the time)... I kinda looked forward to having my own place, being on my own, for that reason
(Me) (4:55:37 PM): but we didn't fight, we didn't really have issues, there seemed to be nothing but love..even right up until the end.. I still have text messags from you from days before telling me you love me and Im awesome... you answered the phone when I called with more enthusiasm then anyone ever has... not just at first, in the begininng when its all fun... but throughout
(Her) (4:56:05 PM): Becuase you're were and are important to me
(Me) (4:56:15 PM): all part of the many reasons why I just don't get it
(Her) (4:56:15 PM): and really fucking cool
(Me) (4:57:01 PM): and I realize how you can have conflicting thoughts, I really do, I realzie how things could get tough, not just in other areas of your life but with us.
(Her) (4:57:18 PM): there isn't always somethign to "Get" especially in matters of the heart...thats all i can really say. i'm sorry there are so many unanswered questions but i doubt if there will ever be a logical explanation, so i think it is only detrimental to beat yourself (and me) up trying to find it
(Me) (4:57:33 PM): but I somehow feel cheated out of the chance of sitting down with you, and having a serious loving conversation about it.. a talk about us.. about our future.. about what we both wanted, and what we were getting.. or were not getting.
(Her) (4:57:49 PM): im sorry you feel cheated. i feel as if we had those talks in the weeks before
(Her) (4:57:57 PM): maybe we just saw things in different contexts
(Me) (4:57:58 PM): the last talk we had...
(Me) (4:58:03 PM): i was very concerned
(Me) (4:58:09 PM): but at the end of that talk
(Me) (4:58:20 PM): what you told me was the your living situation and job were not ideal, and a source of stress
(Her) (4:58:21 PM): im not saying you weren't concered, but that was my attempt to give you what you are asking for now, and feeling cheated out of
(Me) (4:58:37 PM): I asked you why you were crying....
(Her) (4:58:44 PM): maybe i wasn't completely honest, if i didn't express that iw asn't completely comfortable with the relatinoship then
(Me) (4:58:57 PM): we had done that many times before
(Her) (4:59:01 PM): i tried my best to be fair to you i fukcing tried so hard
(Her) (4:59:06 PM): the last thing i want is to see you hurting
(Me) (4:59:06 PM): we'd laid up here and talked about things..
(Her) (4:59:11 PM): it sucks so so sosososoossooso smuch
(Her) (4:59:12 PM): i hate it
(Her) (4:59:14 PM): every minute
(Her) (4:59:30 PM): becausei have to miss you AND hate mysefl at the same time
(Me) (4:59:39 PM): and at the end of the day I think we both knew we both cared for each other so much, so immensely... and we realized what that really meant
(Her) (4:59:45 PM): i do care for you
(Her) (4:59:49 PM): that hasnt' changed
(Me) (5:00:07 PM): and as I told you before, I knew we weren't a done deal.. we hadn't talked SUPER long long... it wasn't time....
(Me) (5:00:22 PM): but now I feel like shit for not bring up more things.. and just assuming that we always had tomorrow.
(Her) (5:00:29 PM): its not your fault!
(Her) (5:00:32 PM): you have to believe me
(Me) (5:00:35 PM): because in reality I think that is really how I approached things
(Me) (5:00:47 PM): we always had tomorrow together... things are tough.. but I just know they will be all right.
(Me) (5:00:59 PM): blinded by love I guess is what people say
(Her) (5:01:03 PM): but we weren't feeling the same way about each other, and that was what i couldnt' live with anymore
(Her) (5:01:11 PM): believe me i tried my best brian
(Her) (5:01:20 PM): neither of us deserve to hurt liek we are, expecially you
(Me) (5:01:22 PM): but feelings usually chance because of people
(Her) (5:01:48 PM): there is no point in beatin g yourself uo
(Her) (5:01:49 PM): up
(Me) (5:01:51 PM): and as time goes on, I've admitted, I can lose focus..
(Her) (5:02:27 PM): Brian i dont want to keep replaying this...
(Me) (5:02:28 PM): don't you think you are missing me for a reason though? for the same reasons i am missing you?
(Her) (5:02:49 PM): i think im missing you because you were a big part of my life and porbably my best freind
(Me) (5:03:09 PM): but not a big enough part?
(Me) (5:03:15 PM): you were definitely my closest friend
(Her) (5:03:17 PM): i wasn't in love
(Me) (5:03:27 PM): were you ever in love?
(Her) (5:04:02 PM): i believe that i loved you
(Her) (5:04:39 PM): i think i still lvoe you as a person, i just was not "in love"...sure its all semantics and probably frustrating but i was not in love...and i couldnt' go on like that
(Her) (5:04:59 PM): and i cant tell you this again becasue my heart hurts way too much wawawawayawayway too much
(Me) (5:05:20 PM): believe me you are not alone
(Me) (5:05:25 PM): but I hurt everynight it seems
(Her) (5:05:40 PM): I'm sorry
(Me) (5:05:42 PM): before you....
(Her) (5:05:43 PM): i really amk
(Her) (5:05:46 PM): thats the truest truth
(Me) (5:05:53 PM): i dated Becca, Christina, Allison, Kristin
(Me) (5:06:00 PM): 2-4 months a piece
(Me) (5:06:02 PM): one after anothre
(Me) (5:06:09 PM): they were all fun at times
(Me) (5:06:12 PM): sexual at times
(Me) (5:06:19 PM): but never ONCE did it come anything close to this
(Me) (5:06:20 PM): from my end
(Me) (5:06:27 PM): not even in the same league
(Me) (5:07:52 PM): and now I'm left to think of how many more people do I have to go through to find another Sarah.... how much more wasted time... hurt feelings... calling because you feel you have to not because you want to... all that bullshit... how much do I have to endure
(Me) (5:08:07 PM): the thought of getting to know someone new makes me sick still
(Her) (5:08:20 PM): that will change im sure
(Her) (5:08:23 PM): it has to
(Me) (5:08:47 PM): because I feel like I've been there, I know how much it sucks.. and I know how rare and random it is to find someone you actually really truly can give yourself to.. trust your heart with.. trust every feeling and emotion with
(Her) (5:09:10 PM): yeah its a special thing:-(
(Me) (5:09:17 PM): it is!
(Me) (5:09:25 PM): and then I think.. BUT NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH!
(Me) (5:09:36 PM): it all hurts..
(Her) (5:09:40 PM): im sorry
(Her) (5:09:41 PM): :-(
(Her) (5:09:42 PM): i suck
(Me) (5:09:43 PM): im amazing.. but not amazing enough
(Me) (5:09:47 PM): im gorgeous.. but not enough
(Me) (5:10:22 PM): im all these great things, but when I find the woman I really love.. for whatever unexplainable reason its just not enough.. its adds up to a whole lot... but not enough.
(Me) (5:10:33 PM): i think that is why I'm so slow to warm up.. im skeptical
(Me) (5:10:41 PM): you pursued me a lot in the beginning...
(Me) (5:10:48 PM): you told me you loved me first...
(Me) (5:10:56 PM): I was scared of taking the risks and chances
(Me) (5:11:07 PM): gun shy based on past experience
(Me) (5:11:40 PM): and you don't suck...
(Me) (5:11:42 PM): belioeve me
(Me) (5:11:45 PM): i KNOW you don't want to hurt me
(Me) (5:11:49 PM): I know you don't want to hurt either
(Me) (5:12:14 PM): and I know you had and are having certain feelings, and you are doing your best to act on them in the way you think is best
(Me) (5:12:29 PM): you're a good person
(Me) (5:12:36 PM): i know your intetions are good
(Her) (5:12:37 PM): i appreciate that
(Me) (5:12:39 PM): and you look out for other people
(Her) (5:12:41 PM): they are im trying my best
(Her) (5:12:44 PM): fuckign trying os hard
(Her) (5:12:48 PM): grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(Me) (5:13:19 PM): its just so hard.. i crave you so much.. I want to be close to you...
(Her) (5:13:26 PM): i so sossoosos sorry
(Her) (5:13:44 PM): you dont eve n know
(Her) (5:15:02 PM): i really hope youhave someone you can talk to
(Me) (5:15:14 PM): i've talked...
(Me) (5:15:27 PM): my friends don't like going through this any more then you do..
(Me) (5:15:43 PM): and like I said, it chips away at my pride and dignity piece by piece
(Her) (5:15:53 PM): i would be more than willing if i thought it would be good for either of us but it isn't
(Me) (5:15:55 PM): but I've never been going and doing the whole relationshipt hing by the book
(Her) (5:15:57 PM): you're human Brian
(Me) (5:16:04 PM): i don't wait to call, i call when i feel like it
(Me) (5:16:22 PM): and when dumped, I don't burn all your shit and never speak to you again and act like I'm better then ever if I see you
(Her) (5:16:34 PM): thanks
(Her) (5:16:40 PM): really
(Her) (5:17:35 PM): even if you're freinds dont love hearing about it there are people who unconditionally will...parents, etc
(Her) (5:17:44 PM): i dont knwo what the right way is
(Her) (5:17:47 PM): what the right thing to do
(Her) (5:17:51 PM): life sucks sometimes i guess
(Her) (5:18:01 PM): it hurts me that im the cause of it
(Me) (5:19:43 PM): ok there is no point to this I suppose...
(Me) (5:19:55 PM): i did stop emailing you my daily journal of thoughts.. that was tough to do
(Me) (5:20:16 PM): i think you taking me off your meeting maker really stung me a bit though :-(
(Her) (5:20:20 PM): sorry
(Her) (5:20:34 PM): like i said, im new to this too, im trying my best
(Me) (5:20:49 PM): ahhhhhhhh
(Her) (5:20:50 PM): like iw as goign to send anothe r"LF Female bike" to classified
(Her) (5:20:50 PM): s
(Me) (5:21:05 PM): that is what is so frustrating... I am new to this.. you are new to this....
(Me) (5:21:15 PM): how are we suppsoed to know exactly what is RIGHT?
(Me) (5:21:28 PM): and everything I feel, everything tells me this is not right
(Me) (5:22:06 PM): yeah anytime I see your name come up at work... even when I was doing some documnentum stuff... it just sends electricity through my heart
(Me) (5:22:23 PM): the problem is.... im still at the point wjhere nearly everything in life does that
(Her) (5:23:08 PM): You're going to be ok
(Me) (5:23:14 PM): running... seeing the show on MIT (I wanted nothing more then to watch that with you, I cuoldn't even DELETE it when I was done because I thought you might want to see it), Grocery shopping, making dinner at home, everytime I see a black civic, the nba draft,
(Me) (5:23:23 PM): it all screams Sarah to me
(Me) (5:23:52 PM): dave was over on friday and erased your hip/wasite measurements from my white board because I couldn't
(Her) (5:24:22 PM): you're goign to be ok
(Me) (5:24:46 PM): sure in time, I can see that
(Me) (5:24:54 PM): but "we'll never be ok" is the painful part
(Me) (5:25:08 PM): and no matter how ok I get, I'm imagining that will always hurt
(Me) (5:25:22 PM): this would bes o much easier if I had cheating on you, or hit you or something
(Me) (5:25:38 PM): then I could really just lay specific blame
(Me) (5:25:46 PM): learn my lesson and move on
(Me) (5:25:59 PM): cuz there is plenty i would never expect you to put up with from me
(Me) (5:26:18 PM): but I always tried to make sure I never even came close to being less then 100% what you wanted... well, maybe 95%
(Me) (5:26:28 PM): everyone has their moments
(Me) (5:28:54 PM): i don't think i'd ever been on the same page with someone as much as with you, we think so alike
(Me) (5:29:07 PM): i loved how we could usually both roll our eyes at the same things
(Me) (5:29:38 PM): sure its a little messed up, but it was one of those things were you felt like.. at least im not the only one that feels that way
(Me) (5:30:39 PM): when you are like me, finding someone who thinks the same isn't exactly easy either
(Me) (5:33:05 PM): well, i appreciate you not ignorning me
(Me) (5:33:12 PM): talking to you brings up tons of emotion
(Her) (5:33:18 PM): same here
(Me) (5:33:18 PM): but is still somehow so comforting.
(Her) (5:33:31 PM): i hope things get better, i know they will
(Me) (5:33:39 PM): not neccsarily in a healty way as I am sure you know
(Her) (5:33:59 PM): youcan do this and you will be ok
(Me) (5:34:02 PM): i just really wish my life was different
(Her) (5:34:24 PM): that said, you can do this and you WILL be ok
(Her) (5:34:27 PM): i promise
(Me) (5:35:22 PM): i wish I knew what to do or say
(Me) (5:35:53 PM): im fairly close to going and getting myself on some sort of short term anti depressant.. something to snap me out of the dumps
(Her) (5:36:05 PM): maybe you should see someone?
(Me) (5:36:17 PM): but until enough time has passed i know my dr will just laugh and tell me to get over it
(Her) (5:36:30 PM): which dr
(Me) (5:36:32 PM): cuz its normal to be fucked up after something like this is what everyone says
(Me) (5:36:47 PM): i usually see kelsey for stuff first
(Her) (5:36:56 PM): haev you seen him for htis?
(Me) (5:37:06 PM): the only other time ive been this depressed was in college when I nearly failed out....
(Her) (5:37:08 PM): i bet it would be good to talk to a therapist
(Me) (5:37:09 PM): but I didn't see anyone three
(Me) (5:37:17 PM): yeah.. im sure it would be...
(Her) (5:37:20 PM): but...?
(Me) (5:37:21 PM): but that's just more giving up my pride
(Her) (5:37:27 PM): brian you are HUMAN!
(Her) (5:37:34 PM): its ok to be human, please
(Her) (5:37:35 PM): pelase pelase
(Me) (5:37:36 PM): everyone's gone through this
(Her) (5:37:37 PM): let youself
(Me) (5:37:40 PM): everyone's dealt with it
(Me) (5:38:03 PM): i keep thinking of people with famlies and stuff that split up
(Me) (5:38:13 PM): and how this much seem so insignificant to someone who has gone through that
(Her) (5:38:17 PM): if i didn't live at home i would probably never have stopped seeing someone
(Her) (5:38:29 PM): everythigns relative to what YOu have gone through, felt, experienced
(Her) (5:38:35 PM): whoc gives a hsit what other people have gone through
(Her) (5:38:38 PM): that doesn't mean SHIT
(Her) (5:39:27 PM): you are human, you have feelings, you hrt
(Me) (5:39:29 PM): we'll see
(Her) (5:39:35 PM): just take care of yourself
(Her) (5:39:41 PM): please please pelasse
(Me) (5:39:48 PM): im trying
(Me) (5:39:55 PM): i just miss you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much
(Her) (5:39:56 PM): who is watching out for you?
(Me) (5:39:59 PM): everything about you
(Her) (5:40:10 PM): im sorry
(Me) (5:40:23 PM): every single tiny detail
(Me) (5:40:53 PM): i feel like my day to day life is such an act now
(Me) (5:41:00 PM): gotta put on a good face for people at work
(Me) (5:41:02 PM): for friends
(Her) (5:41:05 PM): even just goign through what im feeling i would be seeing a therapist if i didn't live at home...
(Her) (5:41:13 PM): i dont think its shameful
(Her) (5:41:14 PM): at all
(Her) (5:42:16 PM): i think its important to remember that everythign in life is relateive to the individual, it doesn't matter how this seems on teh grande scheme of mankind...you're human
(Her) (5:42:30 PM): and your friends dont always know the best things to say
(Her) (5:42:34 PM): and im not the right person either
(Me) (5:46:11 PM): i just always imagined that if things ended, it would have been similar to how they started.. two friends who admired each other, having a rational, thoughtful, emotional talk about life... and now it just feels like there is so much ditance between us.. but forced, contrived distance.. you're driving the wedge inbetween, I'm doing everything I can do stop it, but its futile.
(Her) (5:46:44 PM): i have hope that we'll be friends admiring each other one day
(Me) (5:47:47 PM): yeah, you told me that the day we broke up.... that hurts, you had gone and made all these life changing decisions and I felt completely out of the loop and blindsighted
(Her) (5:48:03 PM): BRian, like i told you, i tried to do my best by you
(Me) (5:48:12 PM): that car ride home....... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
(Me) (5:48:17 PM): you were so loving
(Her) (5:48:56 PM): maybe one day it will be possible
(Her) (5:49:00 PM): i like to have that hope
(Me) (5:49:45 PM): i like to have the hope that anything will be possible one day
(Her) (5:51:32 PM): well as right or wrong as it may have been it was good to hear from you
(Me) (5:51:51 PM): yea
(Me) (5:52:01 PM): i still miss you like crazy, but I know what you mean
(Me) (5:53:35 PM): i guess this is a sad thing to say... but i guess i hope that one day I will be able to see your name, think of you, speak to you, see you, without such a huge onslaught of emotion.
(Me) (5:53:43 PM): that just kills me though
(Me) (5:53:52 PM): im not too emotional about many people, I could probably count them on one hand
(Me) (5:54:34 PM): and the tears on my face are hard proof that you are still one of them
(Her) (5:54:39 PM): :-(
(Her) (5:54:47 PM): it will get better
(Her) (5:58:23 PM): im glad to know you're talking to your friends, andi know you'll see someone if need be.. i will talk to you later, ok?
(Me) (5:58:36 PM): ok, bye Sarah.
(Her) (5:58:48 PM): say you know you'll be ok
(Me) (5:59:00 PM): i've got no other choice right?
(Her) (5:59:02 PM): right
(Me) (5:59:34 PM): I'm not stupid to ever hurt myself, so yes, I'll be ok.
(Her) (5:59:45 PM): Bye Brian...take good care of you
(Me) (5:59:50 PM): bye
(Her) (5:59:52 PM): you deserve it
_________________
(Her) (3:40:01 PM): Hey
(Me) (3:40:04 PM): hi
(Her) (3:40:05 PM): how are you doing?
(Me) (3:40:15 PM): eh so so
(Me) (3:40:26 PM): how are you?
(Her) (3:40:37 PM): I'm doing ok
(Me) (3:41:04 PM): i miss talking to you
(Her) (3:41:11 PM): yeah i miss you a lot too
(Her) (3:41:19 PM): have you been keeping busy?
(Me) (3:41:25 PM): hm
(Me) (3:41:27 PM): not really
(Me) (3:41:31 PM): its tough
(Me) (3:42:05 PM): i just went for a 3 mile run
(Her) (3:42:10 PM): thats good
(Me) (3:42:19 PM): that gives you lots of time to think though, which for me lately is a bad thing
(Her) (3:42:36 PM): hmm..im sorry:-(
(Her) (3:42:43 PM): i have no clue what the right thing to say is
(Me) (3:42:52 PM): i guessi I still feel like I have so many unanswered questions
(Me) (3:43:04 PM): or I just can get from point A to point B logically in my mind
(Her) (3:43:11 PM): can? or cant
(Me) (3:43:16 PM): can't
(Me) (3:43:18 PM): sorry
(Her) (3:43:20 PM): thats ok.
(Me) (3:43:21 PM): critical typo
(Her) (3:43:23 PM): ya
(Me) (3:44:23 PM): I still think of you as how I knew you for the majority of our time together
(Me) (3:44:43 PM): and I need to just come to grips with that fact that the person I loved just doesn't exist
(Me) (3:44:59 PM): at least not outside of my memories
(Me) (3:45:26 PM): Dave is moving back in here by the way. He and Jen are still going to try to stay together, but are moving out to give each other space.
(Her) (3:45:39 PM): oh woow
(Her) (3:45:46 PM): how is he doing?
(Me) (3:45:53 PM): Victor swears its something to do with San Diego, the only guys who can't keep their relationships in the SPP are the ones that moved down here
(Me) (3:46:09 PM): he says there is too much of the single lifestyle going on all around us
(Me) (3:46:22 PM): Dave's doing ok I suppose.
(Her) (3:46:28 PM): i dont think its anything worth generalizing about
(Her) (3:46:58 PM): has anything changed for you over the past 3 weeks at all?
(Me) (3:47:11 PM): I'm not sure
(Me) (3:47:15 PM): there are good days and bad days
(Me) (3:47:30 PM): but on the bad days I realize that the good days are just ones where I am most distracted
(Me) (3:48:02 PM): i just kinda long to be close to someone most of the time
(Her) (3:48:14 PM): yeah..a.nd for that im lucky to have my family with me
(Me) (3:48:22 PM): yeah
(Me) (3:48:37 PM): my parents try, but its not a role they are used to or are particularlly effective at
(Me) (3:48:48 PM): and friends try, but it only goes so deep, at least with mine
(Me) (3:49:01 PM): not that I don't have good friends
(Me) (3:49:12 PM): we're just not int he habit of laying our emotional issues on each other
(Her) (3:49:15 PM): yeah
(Her) (3:49:36 PM): andim not the person to be working through itwith you
(Me) (3:49:43 PM): i guess not
(Her) (3:50:03 PM): did you go out on friday?
(Me) (3:50:10 PM): it takes so much self control msot days not to reach out and contact you
(Me) (3:51:09 PM): i saw this email from you come across on intern.mail last week and I thought my hear was gonna beat out of my chest, i couldn't describe it.
(Her) (3:51:25 PM): yeah, i got one from you friday about cognos:-(
(Me) (3:51:38 PM): i did go to the show Friday
(Me) (3:51:41 PM): it was alright
(Me) (3:51:44 PM): dan and dave ewnt
(Her) (3:51:44 PM): i have been making an effort to stay out of your path, to help both of us
(Me) (3:51:50 PM): yeah...
(Me) (3:51:53 PM): thank you
(Me) (3:52:00 PM): not that I wouldn't want to see you
(Her) (3:52:01 PM): i sawyou at work one dya
(Me) (3:52:06 PM): but I don't know if I would handle it
(Her) (3:52:06 PM): you had a meeting right before mine
(Me) (3:52:06 PM): yeah
(Me) (3:52:09 PM): everyone told me
(Me) (3:52:14 PM): joanne, tod, etc...
(Her) (3:52:21 PM): i couldn't handle it and i realized im really not ready to see you
(Her) (3:52:29 PM): im actually not even really close to that point yet
(Me) (3:53:27 PM): yeah...
(Me) (3:54:04 PM): to me it just all feels so wrong still
(Me) (3:54:13 PM): friends say one day it will feel right, that I'll be glad, that its for the best
(Me) (3:54:26 PM): but to me, I think of that as self fulfilling prophecy.
(Me) (3:54:39 PM): to not admit that later in life would only be self defeating.
(Me) (3:56:37 PM): i feel like i've replayed every second of our time together in my head.. too many times
(Her) (3:56:42 PM): its good to hear that you've been working out
(Me) (3:56:50 PM): eh
(Me) (3:56:51 PM): ive tried
(Me) (3:56:53 PM): neil was sick
(Me) (3:57:04 PM): I'm 178 now, a contant sore spot for me
(Her) (3:57:13 PM): have you been eating???
(Me) (3:57:21 PM): trying to
(Her) (3:59:24 PM): are you following all teh good advice you're getting?:
(Me) (4:00:42 PM): i try
(Me) (4:00:54 PM): it just comes down to accepting what life deals you
(Me) (4:01:09 PM): which I know I am so good at in everyday life
(Me) (4:01:23 PM): but i've still got this feeling
(Me) (4:01:26 PM): that to accept
(Me) (4:02:01 PM): means to give up, foresake, something that I've got this underlying feeling about, such a strong feeling about, I can't bring myself to
(Me) (4:02:25 PM): an no matter how ashamed of myself I get, no matter how much of my diginity and pride I give away each time I give in and talk to you..
(Me) (4:02:37 PM): i still can't seem to come to grips
(Me) (4:02:48 PM): the best advice I got was the saddest...
(Me) (4:03:51 PM): "the woman you loved doesn't exist, and likely never did. She'll live on forever in your heart, memories, and dream. The person you want so desperately back and to talk to is nothing more then a stranger, wearing a face and speaking with a voice that you love"
(Me) (4:04:05 PM): I read that and try to force myself to believe nearly everyday
(Her) (4:04:33 PM): sometimes i just wish you were angry at mje
(Me) (4:05:26 PM): yeah, I guess the angry and bitter phase will come next.. that's another thing i'm not looking forward to, but I guess its better then pain.
(Me) (4:05:48 PM): that's just not the type of person I am, or how I like to be.
(Her) (4:05:55 PM): i know
(Her) (4:08:06 PM): dan was here this weekend
(Me) (4:08:15 PM): yeah?
(Her) (4:08:16 PM): i had a couple breakdowns, its sucked
(Her) (4:08:30 PM): really missing you but i know talking to you wont help either of us at all
(Me) (4:08:36 PM): yeah I saw the crying face
(Me) (4:09:21 PM): one of the tough things is, I always looked at us and our relationship pretty realisticly, pragmatically
(Me) (4:09:32 PM): but I never would have imagined it coming to this
(Me) (4:10:36 PM): and I enjoy every day with you, each more then the next for the most part. And the reason I think I really never focused in to closely on "issues" much is that I always felt that the best was always to come with us
(Me) (4:10:48 PM): again, not that something was wrong that I was waiting to right itself
(Me) (4:11:10 PM): just that I always looked to the future as this whole expanse of possibility, with so many great possible scenarios
(Me) (4:12:26 PM): then the other prevalant though I;ve had.. was I remember early on I got the feeling that you saw something in me, but couldn't put your finger on it.. but were always searching for it... and I told you that "hey im not that interesting.. don't get your hopes up" just because I didn't want you to be in love with something I wasn't, or something you hoped I was
(Me) (4:13:13 PM): and now I get this feeling, that it was like that.... that at first I showed myself to you in bits and pieces, as time went on, you got more and more of me... so much so that I think you know me better then anyone ever has... yet after all all that you said you still felt like you didn't understand me.
(Me) (4:14:00 PM): or maybe the bits and pieces of me were good.. but everything, the insecurities, the faults and flaws.... that was a deal breaker.
(Me) (4:14:44 PM): you were different about that, you let me know your faults, flaws, and insecurities upfront, from the get go
(Me) (4:15:04 PM): so as time went on and I got to know you inside and out, I found only more to love, and not much else to find fault in
(Me) (4:17:00 PM): when I miss you now, I think it goes deeper then just because I miss what we did together, or because I got dumped and that's never easy.. I seem to think it goes deeper. And I tend to think that hey.. if I'm feeling that way, Sarah must be feeling that was as well.. because afterall,. we were on the same page once right?
(Her) (4:23:21 PM): Brian i cant do this, its too hard
(Me) (4:25:12 PM): I know.. i said it too many times, but I'm sorry. This just ended so abruptly, I haven't been able to make sense of things even now weeks later. I still hold onto that inkling of hope that this was a phase, a rough time for you, conflicting feelings, etc.. but that you'd out of the blue want to once again talk through things as "us" and not strangers, and give some sort of an effort to figuring it all out together.
(Her) (4:25:45 PM): I didn't mean for it to be like this
(Her) (4:25:48 PM): i've told yout hat before
(Her) (4:25:55 PM): and i'm so sorry to be hurting you
(Her) (4:25:57 PM): it kills me
(Me) (4:26:26 PM): we had talked about this way early on.. before we were even boyfriend and girlfriend.... how it was scary, crossing over that line... and I remember saying I thought we'd both be able to deal with this, we're capable, smart, etc. I'm sorry, I didn't know it at the time, but I was lying..
(Me) (4:26:41 PM): i'm not as able as I thought to do it
(Me) (4:26:54 PM): if I was a 3rd party giving advice to you and I... I could give some great advice
(Me) (4:27:05 PM): but being here, living it, feeling it, I can't take my own advice
(Me) (4:27:20 PM): I wish I knew why, I wish I was stronger
(Her) (4:27:23 PM): bvrian these talks are like taking my heart and putting it through the garbage disposal, it HURTS
(Me) (4:27:45 PM): I feel the EXACT same way
(Her) (4:27:46 PM): it hursts knowing that im doing this to you
(Me) (4:27:49 PM): i wrote that down one day
(Her) (4:27:50 PM): do a good person
(Me) (4:27:53 PM): but it wasn't a talk
(Me) (4:27:59 PM): it was me just trying to sleep one night
(Me) (4:28:36 PM): the analogy I said was.. it felt like i had my heart ripped out, mashed to a pulp, then put back in...a nd was told.. ok, no go live life like this.
(Her) (4:28:41 PM): i hate myself for the pain im causing you
(Me) (4:29:24 PM): I hate myself for not being able to keep you in love with me
(Me) (4:31:23 PM): I suppose this all comes with the territory of letting someone in so close
(Me) (4:33:27 PM): and I'd still like to know one day, what really went wrong from you end. I think that's a big part for me to moving on, regardless of how painfull it is.
(Me) (4:34:04 PM): because I've broken things off with many people, and I can tell any one of my friends the reason(s)
(Her) (4:34:17 PM): well there isn't something im not telling you
(Me) (4:35:35 PM): I can't believe that... to end things after so long, and in the way it ended, there just has to be something... maybe its not something specific, but even general feeling... or a need that was not being met..
(Me) (4:35:56 PM): not knowing just makes me second guess EVERYTHING
(Her) (4:36:28 PM): Brian i thought we agreed i wouldnt' have to keep doing this...there is nothing to second guess, i just realized taht i wasn't acting in love and it was because i wasn't...i didn't feel that we each felt the same way and i couldnt' live with it anymore
(Her) (4:36:36 PM): this is torture
(Me) (4:36:49 PM): you woke up that Saturday moring snuggled into my chest and I feel back to sleep.. 12 hours later, you couldn't tell me you loved me.
(Me) (4:36:51 PM): ahh i know
(Me) (4:37:11 PM): i keep thinking this will never happen again, but I just ccan't seem to reconcile
(Her) (4:37:45 PM): im not saying it should make sense, or that its logical, or that it seems wrong that you dont "get it"...all im saying ist aht i cant keep doing this over and over again'
(Me) (4:38:14 PM): i guess i just can't understand...
(Me) (4:38:20 PM): i've never been in your shoes
(Me) (4:38:26 PM): i've never broken up with anyone I was in love with
(Me) (4:38:30 PM): for me its always easy
(Me) (4:38:39 PM): because you just realize that feelings are happening...
(Me) (4:38:56 PM): so you end it.. and its for the best.. and there is little to no sense of loss
(Me) (4:40:13 PM): but this is so different, in this case I felt "something" that weird generalize feeling that people talk about so much.. that I probably would have laughed at when I was younger.. what poeple call "clicking" or :"chemistry" or "the zing" I felt it from the first day we kissed.. which is another thing I would probably never believed was possible had it n ot happened to me.. I would have called it lust
(Me) (4:41:41 PM): and it grew.. I remembre early on I was the one feeling a little suoffocated.. it was a slow transition going from being single, or dating life, to seeing someone regularly.. i couldn't handle every day at first... and then, as I had hoped, I wanted to see you everday... things grew, feelings changed, just as I had hope they would but could not have predicted.. all that seems natural and normal to me in hindsight
(Me) (4:42:38 PM): until the end... then something just throws me for a loop.. something I can't get over.... I can't seem to force myself to accept... and I think its because its something that can't be forced.. you can't be force yourself in love no matter how much you;d like to, and you can't force yourself out no matter how much it would better your life.
(Me) (4:44:20 PM): and I know you weren't acting like you were in love... and it happens... we got out of synch somehow... but you made the decision and said, we've falled so far off the tracks we can't get back on... I tend to think the opposite..that falling off the tracks is natural, normal, a part of life, loving, growing, living, but in some cases for whatever reason, you find yourself on a path that no matter how tough it gets or how far you stray from it, you always seem to come back to it without fail
(Her) (4:47:12 PM): Brian have you let yourself be completely honest and open with anyone other than me?
(Me) (4:47:39 PM): yeah
(Me) (4:47:52 PM): not in person though, too tough
(Me) (4:48:07 PM): I've talked to Nicole and Christina about it..b oth friends from up north
(Me) (4:48:09 PM): its frustrating though
(Me) (4:48:16 PM): Christina says "wow I can't believe this is affecting you so much"
(Me) (4:48:31 PM): Nicole says "you'll get over it, and you'll get over it much faster then anyone else I know would"
(Me) (4:48:51 PM): that's such bullshit and only reinforces my feeling more... I've never feel like this, felt like this, acted like this
(Me) (4:49:07 PM): there is a reason for that I am sure
(Me) (4:50:00 PM): and to be honest, it gets embarrasing many times..
(Me) (4:50:31 PM): i explain waht you told me.. that you wanted to be single, be on your own, that your life has been laid out for you quite a bit, that you were uncomfortable living at home, and your job wasn't the best, and that you didn't like who you were in the relationship
(Me) (4:50:39 PM): So the first question is... "so is she moving out too?"
(Me) (4:50:54 PM): that's breaks my heart... I was somehow the easiest thing to change, to let go.
(Me) (4:51:47 PM): ever think that you living on your own migth have changed the dynamic of our relationship a bit? me spending the night at your place? a change of pace and scenery?
(Her) (4:51:57 PM): id ont know
(Me) (4:52:08 PM): i did
(Me) (4:52:21 PM): and I always thought... we'll get to that point one day
(Me) (4:52:22 PM): no rush
(Me) (4:52:32 PM): i encouraged you to live at home, there are many positives
(Me) (4:52:52 PM): and I knew that you'd be out on your own at some point, so what's the rush
(Me) (4:53:55 PM): even me here, I would have loved for you to have spent the night more often, but I had to worry about roommates (we all made the big deal about Dave/Jen at the time)... I kinda looked forward to having my own place, being on my own, for that reason
(Me) (4:55:37 PM): but we didn't fight, we didn't really have issues, there seemed to be nothing but love..even right up until the end.. I still have text messags from you from days before telling me you love me and Im awesome... you answered the phone when I called with more enthusiasm then anyone ever has... not just at first, in the begininng when its all fun... but throughout
(Her) (4:56:05 PM): Becuase you're were and are important to me
(Me) (4:56:15 PM): all part of the many reasons why I just don't get it
(Her) (4:56:15 PM): and really fucking cool
(Me) (4:57:01 PM): and I realize how you can have conflicting thoughts, I really do, I realzie how things could get tough, not just in other areas of your life but with us.
(Her) (4:57:18 PM): there isn't always somethign to "Get" especially in matters of the heart...thats all i can really say. i'm sorry there are so many unanswered questions but i doubt if there will ever be a logical explanation, so i think it is only detrimental to beat yourself (and me) up trying to find it
(Me) (4:57:33 PM): but I somehow feel cheated out of the chance of sitting down with you, and having a serious loving conversation about it.. a talk about us.. about our future.. about what we both wanted, and what we were getting.. or were not getting.
(Her) (4:57:49 PM): im sorry you feel cheated. i feel as if we had those talks in the weeks before
(Her) (4:57:57 PM): maybe we just saw things in different contexts
(Me) (4:57:58 PM): the last talk we had...
(Me) (4:58:03 PM): i was very concerned
(Me) (4:58:09 PM): but at the end of that talk
(Me) (4:58:20 PM): what you told me was the your living situation and job were not ideal, and a source of stress
(Her) (4:58:21 PM): im not saying you weren't concered, but that was my attempt to give you what you are asking for now, and feeling cheated out of
(Me) (4:58:37 PM): I asked you why you were crying....
(Her) (4:58:44 PM): maybe i wasn't completely honest, if i didn't express that iw asn't completely comfortable with the relatinoship then
(Me) (4:58:57 PM): we had done that many times before
(Her) (4:59:01 PM): i tried my best to be fair to you i fukcing tried so hard
(Her) (4:59:06 PM): the last thing i want is to see you hurting
(Me) (4:59:06 PM): we'd laid up here and talked about things..
(Her) (4:59:11 PM): it sucks so so sosososoossooso smuch
(Her) (4:59:12 PM): i hate it
(Her) (4:59:14 PM): every minute
(Her) (4:59:30 PM): becausei have to miss you AND hate mysefl at the same time
(Me) (4:59:39 PM): and at the end of the day I think we both knew we both cared for each other so much, so immensely... and we realized what that really meant
(Her) (4:59:45 PM): i do care for you
(Her) (4:59:49 PM): that hasnt' changed
(Me) (5:00:07 PM): and as I told you before, I knew we weren't a done deal.. we hadn't talked SUPER long long... it wasn't time....
(Me) (5:00:22 PM): but now I feel like shit for not bring up more things.. and just assuming that we always had tomorrow.
(Her) (5:00:29 PM): its not your fault!
(Her) (5:00:32 PM): you have to believe me
(Me) (5:00:35 PM): because in reality I think that is really how I approached things
(Me) (5:00:47 PM): we always had tomorrow together... things are tough.. but I just know they will be all right.
(Me) (5:00:59 PM): blinded by love I guess is what people say
(Her) (5:01:03 PM): but we weren't feeling the same way about each other, and that was what i couldnt' live with anymore
(Her) (5:01:11 PM): believe me i tried my best brian
(Her) (5:01:20 PM): neither of us deserve to hurt liek we are, expecially you
(Me) (5:01:22 PM): but feelings usually chance because of people
(Her) (5:01:48 PM): there is no point in beatin g yourself uo
(Her) (5:01:49 PM): up
(Me) (5:01:51 PM): and as time goes on, I've admitted, I can lose focus..
(Her) (5:02:27 PM): Brian i dont want to keep replaying this...
(Me) (5:02:28 PM): don't you think you are missing me for a reason though? for the same reasons i am missing you?
(Her) (5:02:49 PM): i think im missing you because you were a big part of my life and porbably my best freind
(Me) (5:03:09 PM): but not a big enough part?
(Me) (5:03:15 PM): you were definitely my closest friend
(Her) (5:03:17 PM): i wasn't in love
(Me) (5:03:27 PM): were you ever in love?
(Her) (5:04:02 PM): i believe that i loved you
(Her) (5:04:39 PM): i think i still lvoe you as a person, i just was not "in love"...sure its all semantics and probably frustrating but i was not in love...and i couldnt' go on like that
(Her) (5:04:59 PM): and i cant tell you this again becasue my heart hurts way too much wawawawayawayway too much
(Me) (5:05:20 PM): believe me you are not alone
(Me) (5:05:25 PM): but I hurt everynight it seems
(Her) (5:05:40 PM): I'm sorry
(Me) (5:05:42 PM): before you....
(Her) (5:05:43 PM): i really amk
(Her) (5:05:46 PM): thats the truest truth
(Me) (5:05:53 PM): i dated Becca, Christina, Allison, Kristin
(Me) (5:06:00 PM): 2-4 months a piece
(Me) (5:06:02 PM): one after anothre
(Me) (5:06:09 PM): they were all fun at times
(Me) (5:06:12 PM): sexual at times
(Me) (5:06:19 PM): but never ONCE did it come anything close to this
(Me) (5:06:20 PM): from my end
(Me) (5:06:27 PM): not even in the same league
(Me) (5:07:52 PM): and now I'm left to think of how many more people do I have to go through to find another Sarah.... how much more wasted time... hurt feelings... calling because you feel you have to not because you want to... all that bullshit... how much do I have to endure
(Me) (5:08:07 PM): the thought of getting to know someone new makes me sick still
(Her) (5:08:20 PM): that will change im sure
(Her) (5:08:23 PM): it has to
(Me) (5:08:47 PM): because I feel like I've been there, I know how much it sucks.. and I know how rare and random it is to find someone you actually really truly can give yourself to.. trust your heart with.. trust every feeling and emotion with
(Her) (5:09:10 PM): yeah its a special thing:-(
(Me) (5:09:17 PM): it is!
(Me) (5:09:25 PM): and then I think.. BUT NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH!
(Me) (5:09:36 PM): it all hurts..
(Her) (5:09:40 PM): im sorry
(Her) (5:09:41 PM): :-(
(Her) (5:09:42 PM): i suck
(Me) (5:09:43 PM): im amazing.. but not amazing enough
(Me) (5:09:47 PM): im gorgeous.. but not enough
(Me) (5:10:22 PM): im all these great things, but when I find the woman I really love.. for whatever unexplainable reason its just not enough.. its adds up to a whole lot... but not enough.
(Me) (5:10:33 PM): i think that is why I'm so slow to warm up.. im skeptical
(Me) (5:10:41 PM): you pursued me a lot in the beginning...
(Me) (5:10:48 PM): you told me you loved me first...
(Me) (5:10:56 PM): I was scared of taking the risks and chances
(Me) (5:11:07 PM): gun shy based on past experience
(Me) (5:11:40 PM): and you don't suck...
(Me) (5:11:42 PM): belioeve me
(Me) (5:11:45 PM): i KNOW you don't want to hurt me
(Me) (5:11:49 PM): I know you don't want to hurt either
(Me) (5:12:14 PM): and I know you had and are having certain feelings, and you are doing your best to act on them in the way you think is best
(Me) (5:12:29 PM): you're a good person
(Me) (5:12:36 PM): i know your intetions are good
(Her) (5:12:37 PM): i appreciate that
(Me) (5:12:39 PM): and you look out for other people
(Her) (5:12:41 PM): they are im trying my best
(Her) (5:12:44 PM): fuckign trying os hard
(Her) (5:12:48 PM): grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(Me) (5:13:19 PM): its just so hard.. i crave you so much.. I want to be close to you...
(Her) (5:13:26 PM): i so sossoosos sorry
(Her) (5:13:44 PM): you dont eve n know
(Her) (5:15:02 PM): i really hope youhave someone you can talk to
(Me) (5:15:14 PM): i've talked...
(Me) (5:15:27 PM): my friends don't like going through this any more then you do..
(Me) (5:15:43 PM): and like I said, it chips away at my pride and dignity piece by piece
(Her) (5:15:53 PM): i would be more than willing if i thought it would be good for either of us but it isn't
(Me) (5:15:55 PM): but I've never been going and doing the whole relationshipt hing by the book
(Her) (5:15:57 PM): you're human Brian
(Me) (5:16:04 PM): i don't wait to call, i call when i feel like it
(Me) (5:16:22 PM): and when dumped, I don't burn all your shit and never speak to you again and act like I'm better then ever if I see you
(Her) (5:16:34 PM): thanks
(Her) (5:16:40 PM): really
(Her) (5:17:35 PM): even if you're freinds dont love hearing about it there are people who unconditionally will...parents, etc
(Her) (5:17:44 PM): i dont knwo what the right way is
(Her) (5:17:47 PM): what the right thing to do
(Her) (5:17:51 PM): life sucks sometimes i guess
(Her) (5:18:01 PM): it hurts me that im the cause of it
(Me) (5:19:43 PM): ok there is no point to this I suppose...
(Me) (5:19:55 PM): i did stop emailing you my daily journal of thoughts.. that was tough to do
(Me) (5:20:16 PM): i think you taking me off your meeting maker really stung me a bit though :-(
(Her) (5:20:20 PM): sorry
(Her) (5:20:34 PM): like i said, im new to this too, im trying my best
(Me) (5:20:49 PM): ahhhhhhhh
(Her) (5:20:50 PM): like iw as goign to send anothe r"LF Female bike" to classified
(Her) (5:20:50 PM): s
(Me) (5:21:05 PM): that is what is so frustrating... I am new to this.. you are new to this....
(Me) (5:21:15 PM): how are we suppsoed to know exactly what is RIGHT?
(Me) (5:21:28 PM): and everything I feel, everything tells me this is not right
(Me) (5:22:06 PM): yeah anytime I see your name come up at work... even when I was doing some documnentum stuff... it just sends electricity through my heart
(Me) (5:22:23 PM): the problem is.... im still at the point wjhere nearly everything in life does that
(Her) (5:23:08 PM): You're going to be ok
(Me) (5:23:14 PM): running... seeing the show on MIT (I wanted nothing more then to watch that with you, I cuoldn't even DELETE it when I was done because I thought you might want to see it), Grocery shopping, making dinner at home, everytime I see a black civic, the nba draft,
(Me) (5:23:23 PM): it all screams Sarah to me
(Me) (5:23:52 PM): dave was over on friday and erased your hip/wasite measurements from my white board because I couldn't
(Her) (5:24:22 PM): you're goign to be ok
(Me) (5:24:46 PM): sure in time, I can see that
(Me) (5:24:54 PM): but "we'll never be ok" is the painful part
(Me) (5:25:08 PM): and no matter how ok I get, I'm imagining that will always hurt
(Me) (5:25:22 PM): this would bes o much easier if I had cheating on you, or hit you or something
(Me) (5:25:38 PM): then I could really just lay specific blame
(Me) (5:25:46 PM): learn my lesson and move on
(Me) (5:25:59 PM): cuz there is plenty i would never expect you to put up with from me
(Me) (5:26:18 PM): but I always tried to make sure I never even came close to being less then 100% what you wanted... well, maybe 95%
(Me) (5:26:28 PM): everyone has their moments
(Me) (5:28:54 PM): i don't think i'd ever been on the same page with someone as much as with you, we think so alike
(Me) (5:29:07 PM): i loved how we could usually both roll our eyes at the same things
(Me) (5:29:38 PM): sure its a little messed up, but it was one of those things were you felt like.. at least im not the only one that feels that way
(Me) (5:30:39 PM): when you are like me, finding someone who thinks the same isn't exactly easy either
(Me) (5:33:05 PM): well, i appreciate you not ignorning me
(Me) (5:33:12 PM): talking to you brings up tons of emotion
(Her) (5:33:18 PM): same here
(Me) (5:33:18 PM): but is still somehow so comforting.
(Her) (5:33:31 PM): i hope things get better, i know they will
(Me) (5:33:39 PM): not neccsarily in a healty way as I am sure you know
(Her) (5:33:59 PM): youcan do this and you will be ok
(Me) (5:34:02 PM): i just really wish my life was different
(Her) (5:34:24 PM): that said, you can do this and you WILL be ok
(Her) (5:34:27 PM): i promise
(Me) (5:35:22 PM): i wish I knew what to do or say
(Me) (5:35:53 PM): im fairly close to going and getting myself on some sort of short term anti depressant.. something to snap me out of the dumps
(Her) (5:36:05 PM): maybe you should see someone?
(Me) (5:36:17 PM): but until enough time has passed i know my dr will just laugh and tell me to get over it
(Her) (5:36:30 PM): which dr
(Me) (5:36:32 PM): cuz its normal to be fucked up after something like this is what everyone says
(Me) (5:36:47 PM): i usually see kelsey for stuff first
(Her) (5:36:56 PM): haev you seen him for htis?
(Me) (5:37:06 PM): the only other time ive been this depressed was in college when I nearly failed out....
(Her) (5:37:08 PM): i bet it would be good to talk to a therapist
(Me) (5:37:09 PM): but I didn't see anyone three
(Me) (5:37:17 PM): yeah.. im sure it would be...
(Her) (5:37:20 PM): but...?
(Me) (5:37:21 PM): but that's just more giving up my pride
(Her) (5:37:27 PM): brian you are HUMAN!
(Her) (5:37:34 PM): its ok to be human, please
(Her) (5:37:35 PM): pelase pelase
(Me) (5:37:36 PM): everyone's gone through this
(Her) (5:37:37 PM): let youself
(Me) (5:37:40 PM): everyone's dealt with it
(Me) (5:38:03 PM): i keep thinking of people with famlies and stuff that split up
(Me) (5:38:13 PM): and how this much seem so insignificant to someone who has gone through that
(Her) (5:38:17 PM): if i didn't live at home i would probably never have stopped seeing someone
(Her) (5:38:29 PM): everythigns relative to what YOu have gone through, felt, experienced
(Her) (5:38:35 PM): whoc gives a hsit what other people have gone through
(Her) (5:38:38 PM): that doesn't mean SHIT
(Her) (5:39:27 PM): you are human, you have feelings, you hrt
(Me) (5:39:29 PM): we'll see
(Her) (5:39:35 PM): just take care of yourself
(Her) (5:39:41 PM): please please pelasse
(Me) (5:39:48 PM): im trying
(Me) (5:39:55 PM): i just miss you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much
(Her) (5:39:56 PM): who is watching out for you?
(Me) (5:39:59 PM): everything about you
(Her) (5:40:10 PM): im sorry
(Me) (5:40:23 PM): every single tiny detail
(Me) (5:40:53 PM): i feel like my day to day life is such an act now
(Me) (5:41:00 PM): gotta put on a good face for people at work
(Me) (5:41:02 PM): for friends
(Her) (5:41:05 PM): even just goign through what im feeling i would be seeing a therapist if i didn't live at home...
(Her) (5:41:13 PM): i dont think its shameful
(Her) (5:41:14 PM): at all
(Her) (5:42:16 PM): i think its important to remember that everythign in life is relateive to the individual, it doesn't matter how this seems on teh grande scheme of mankind...you're human
(Her) (5:42:30 PM): and your friends dont always know the best things to say
(Her) (5:42:34 PM): and im not the right person either
(Me) (5:46:11 PM): i just always imagined that if things ended, it would have been similar to how they started.. two friends who admired each other, having a rational, thoughtful, emotional talk about life... and now it just feels like there is so much ditance between us.. but forced, contrived distance.. you're driving the wedge inbetween, I'm doing everything I can do stop it, but its futile.
(Her) (5:46:44 PM): i have hope that we'll be friends admiring each other one day
(Me) (5:47:47 PM): yeah, you told me that the day we broke up.... that hurts, you had gone and made all these life changing decisions and I felt completely out of the loop and blindsighted
(Her) (5:48:03 PM): BRian, like i told you, i tried to do my best by you
(Me) (5:48:12 PM): that car ride home....... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
(Me) (5:48:17 PM): you were so loving
(Her) (5:48:56 PM): maybe one day it will be possible
(Her) (5:49:00 PM): i like to have that hope
(Me) (5:49:45 PM): i like to have the hope that anything will be possible one day
(Her) (5:51:32 PM): well as right or wrong as it may have been it was good to hear from you
(Me) (5:51:51 PM): yea
(Me) (5:52:01 PM): i still miss you like crazy, but I know what you mean
(Me) (5:53:35 PM): i guess this is a sad thing to say... but i guess i hope that one day I will be able to see your name, think of you, speak to you, see you, without such a huge onslaught of emotion.
(Me) (5:53:43 PM): that just kills me though
(Me) (5:53:52 PM): im not too emotional about many people, I could probably count them on one hand
(Me) (5:54:34 PM): and the tears on my face are hard proof that you are still one of them
(Her) (5:54:39 PM): :-(
(Her) (5:54:47 PM): it will get better
(Her) (5:58:23 PM): im glad to know you're talking to your friends, andi know you'll see someone if need be.. i will talk to you later, ok?
(Me) (5:58:36 PM): ok, bye Sarah.
(Her) (5:58:48 PM): say you know you'll be ok
(Me) (5:59:00 PM): i've got no other choice right?
(Her) (5:59:02 PM): right
(Me) (5:59:34 PM): I'm not stupid to ever hurt myself, so yes, I'll be ok.
(Her) (5:59:45 PM): Bye Brian...take good care of you
(Me) (5:59:50 PM): bye
(Her) (5:59:52 PM): you deserve it
