I sit here, a good 8 months completely clean of everything...looking back on the last 4 years of my life with utter disgust. Throughout nearly the first 20 years of my life, you could have called me the anti-drug spokesperson. Since just turning 24 a couple months ago, sober for the first time in a few years I wondered where my life had turned wrong...why, had or hadn't I done what I did. I had always considered myself a genuinly kind, honest person who cared, laughed, and loved. Drugs turned me into the person I beforehand so loudly refused to become...they twisted me into the person I thought impossible to coexist with my character. I was simply not me...thats scary, depressing shit. I still don't really know how I fell so far from myself...but figuring it out won't necessarily make me feel better, so I figure its best to work with what I do know...and go from there.
After many sad days, lost girlfriends, lost friends, lost family, dead friends, rainy days, and lots of freaking pain..it was time for me to finally do something. When I was in the midst of my lowest point I can remember looking at myself straight in the mirror thinking I was literally the biggest fucking loser I knew or had ever known to exist. I did this for weeks on end...it was the worst. Thinking, looking, and feeling like you are worth absolutely nill. So, enough, fuck it...why am I letting misery win...I used to have promise, damnit...I shouldn't be like this.
I finally picked myself up.
I come in here still now and again, to vicariously live out my past once more. I am extremely saddened to see others with my same pain...I really wish there was something more I could do. All I can say is I am sorry everyone is in this rut, I truly know how you feel. Be strong, and I hope one day everyone makes the same choice I did...
Life can be good again. No, it's not easy...no it isn't always fun...but thats life. My worst day lately has been orders of magnitude above my best day not sober. Thats the absolute truth.
Just felt like saying something tonight...take it or leave it, bitch and moan, whatever...if anyone wants to PM me, feel free.