Ok, I have a situation over here......

[blueta2]

and whom better to solve it than EF folks ;-p

Ok so my neighbor (who is also my tenant) and I have become friends. We became very close when her husband got ill from Cancer last year and I was helping them out.
Well her hubby passed away a yr ago new yrs day and I've been helping her since. She is disabled and can't walk far or sit up for long perdiods. She gets around by taxis and has stuff delivered.
Well since I've been home on disability myself, I see and talk to her more, but now I try to avoid her b/c every time she calls, somewhere in the converstion I hear "Oh I wanted to ask you a favor". It's small things like "can you take my recycling bin out or can you pick me up stamps etc", but it's always something.
So today she calls to tell me she needs to get to her dr's appointments and taxis are costing too much. She doesn't ask, but I can tell she expects me to offer to drive her. I didn't offer.
I take her for groceries and do her errands when I can. I'm pretty sick myself and am lucky if I have energy for me.
Now here's the situation, she has no family and will be alone xmas day and new yrs day (the one yr anniversary of her husbands death) and I don't want her to be alone, but my family is in town and to race to be with them and try to be with her is making me feel anxious and guilty.

I care a lot about this person, but I feel like I can't talk to her w/out having to be asked something. I'm NOT shy to say no, but what can I do. She's totally disabled and can't do much. She sits at home all day.
Before he hubby passed, he did everything for her. He died very suddenly and I know she was left w/out knowing how to care for herself, but is tough love the answer or do I just agree to all that she asks (when I can do it)?

I feel like a horrible person even asking this......

 

[jnevin]

Maybe get her an escort?

J/K

Does she have any kind of home care or assisted living available to her? Does insurance or whatever your awesome health care system is offer any kind of assistance to people like her?

 

[BIGBUCK$]

suggest a live in nurse/helper

 

[jnevin]

Cut the brakes on her tart cart.

 

[blueta2]

Maybe get her an escort?

J/K

Does she have any kind of home care or assisted living available to her? Does insurance or whatever your awesome health care system is offer any kind of assistance to people like her?

Yes, there are all kinds of services available and I've mentioned it and she doesn't want. When I go back to work and can't be there as much, maybe she'll look into it.
On Xmas eve she has an MRI booked and I told her I would take her so she won't be alone on xmas eve, but then I will miss my family dinner.
I just feel so bad for her b/c I know how hard it is to be alone and feel sick. I have my family and b/f helping me so I feel it's the least I can do. She is so nervous of strangers and think that's why she is not getting help with other sources.

 

[ceo]

merry christmas neighbor.


maybe you could see if she could join you with your family for your christmas meal/festivites. See if your family feels more "in the spirit of the season" than you are feeling. That way you are not racing around and you'll have a host of others for her to engage in conversation. Then, after that's over maybe your relatives will have some suggestions for you and/or her.

That'll be $250.

 

[all the whey]

Move this thread to the mod board.

She is just going to do whatever stilleto says anyways.

 

[blueta2]

merry christmas neighbor.


maybe you could see if she could join you with your family for your christmas meal/festivites. See if your family feels more "in the spirit of the season" than you are feeling. That way you are not racing around and you'll have a host of others for her to engage in conversation. Then, after that's over maybe your relatives will have some suggestions for you and/or her.

That'll be $250.

I did invite her.....she said she was too nervous to be with people she didn't know. I understand that.
I would love for her to come with me, but she gets tired so quickly and I guess would feel shy that she would need to lay down etc.

 

[blueta2]

Move this thread to the mod board.

She is just going to do whatever stilleto says anyways.

LOL.....well I bet she would give some good advice

 

[ceo]

ok, so what about assisted living of some sort, whether moving her to a facility or having someone come to her? Have you had this talk with her yet?

 

[blueta2]

ok, so what about assisted living of some sort, whether moving her to a facility or having someone come to her? Have you had this talk with her yet?

I did talk to her about it. She is totally against it. She doesn't want to lose what little independence she has.
She is always asking me to rent one of my lower apt's when one becomes available so she doesn't have to climb stairs. She lives in an upper duplex now.
I think she would be happier living with other people since she's alone all day.

 

[heavy_duty]

How old is she?

 

[ceo]

I did talk to her about it. She is totally against it. She doesn't want to lose what little independence she has.
She is always asking me to rent one of my lower apt's when one becomes available so she doesn't have to climb stairs. She lives in an upper duplex now.
I think she would be happier living with other people since she's alone all day.

Independence??? What frickin independence? Sounds like she depends on others for everything, but wants to live alone. That sounds like the right situation to just have someone come over and be her caretaker. To do the things she wants others to do (take out garbage, cook her meals, drive her to the mall, do her grocery shopping, etc.). They don't have to live there, just come by for a few hours a week.

She's being selfish. But you (and maybe others) are enabling her. I'd have a more serious conversation with her.

 

[vixensghost]

I did talk to her about it. She is totally against it. She doesn't want to lose what little independence she has.
She is always asking me to rent one of my lower apt's when one becomes available so she doesn't have to climb stairs. She lives in an upper duplex now.
I think she would be happier living with other people since she's alone all day.

Assisted living is VERY pricey. Does she have money that would allow her to even consider such a place?

Man, this is a tough one. No other family in her life?

 

[Lestat]

that really sucks

Do what you can, but if it gets to be too much you're gonna have to make yourself less available.

 

[jackangel]

you're the worst person ever.

do her a favour and get far away from her. she doesn't need negativity like yours in her life.

just kidding.

 

[blueta2]

How old is she?

She's young....52
She's had 2 strokes, a heart attack, open heart surgery and spinal stenosis. She is in bad shape.

 

[blueta2]

Independence??? What frickin independence? Sounds like she depends on others for everything, but wants to live alone. That sounds like the right situation to just have someone come over and be her caretaker. To do the things she wants others to do (take out garbage, cook her meals, drive her to the mall, do her grocery shopping, etc.). They don't have to live there, just come by for a few hours a week.

She's being selfish. But you (and maybe others) are enabling her. I'd have a more serious conversation with her.

There are times when I do enable her. But most of the time, I won't! She is always hinting at me driving her to the dr's. I don't offer and she goes alone.
I recall when her hubby first died, I was willing to do anything for her (I was not sick myself then) and realized if I do it for her, she'll never learn.
She gets herself to her appoint's, will take the bus to the store and have her food delivered. She never did this when her hubby was alive.
But yeah she still has some independence. Her hubby died only a yr ago and she is still in shock.

 

[blueta2]

Assisted living is VERY pricey. Does she have money that would allow her to even consider such a place?

Man, this is a tough one. No other family in her life?

her disability would cover assisted living and yes her hubby's insurance left her enough money to live. She's not rich, but she's not broke.
She also hinted if I can lower her rent (which I did not)

No family.Her mom is 85 and lives 2000 miles away. Her hubby's family all live in England.
Her best friend has a sick hubby and comes over only once a week to take her out. She's very much in introvert and is not a social gal therefore not having a ton of friends.

 

[blueta2]

you're the worst person ever.

do her a favour and get far away from her. she doesn't need negativity like yours in her life.

just kidding.

if you were ill, I would come change your diaper

 

[calveless wonder]

It's a shitty and sad situation.

You can't neccessarily blame her, she doesn't have much other choice..poor woman. but you're not her family nor given what you're going through can you help this women like this.

the solution is simple. you need to be real with her
let her know you have your own life and problems, as much as you'd like to help her, you can only do so much.

you're a kind person, but you can only do so much to help someone.

 

[cindylou]

INsist that she come with you on xmas eve. Dont take no for an answer. Prep the family to be understanding and if she needs to lay down act like its no big deal in the world.

Insist insist insist. You have to keep living your life, as well she should live hers!

You are a good person blu I would never skip xmas eve for a neighbor.

 

[blueta2]

INsist that she come with you on xmas eve. Dont take no for an answer. Prep the family to be understanding and if she needs to lay down act like its no big deal in the world.

Insist insist insist. You have to keep living your life, as well she should live hers!

You are a good person blu I would never skip xmas eve for a neighbor.

well she has an MRI booked for xmas eve. As you know, you can't cancel these appoint's, b/c they take months to get. She will not come xmas eve but I may be able to convince her to come xmas day. If she gets tired, I can take her back home. I don't live close to my sisters but It can be done.
I think she'll say no b/c of her nervous issues, but I can sure try
Yeah I'm a good person, but good people die sooner from stress. ;-)

 

[blueta2]

It's a shitty and sad situation.

You can't neccessarily blame her, she doesn't have much other choice..poor woman. but you're not her family nor given what you're going through can you help this women like this.

the solution is simple. you need to be real with her
let her know you have your own life and problems, as much as you'd like to help her, you can only do so much.

you're a kind person, but you can only do so much to help someone.

exactly....can't blame her, She is so alone and disabled!
I'm pretty real with her. To the point where I've apologized for being too truthful cause I can see it hurt her feelings.
She knows I'm sick, and I don't for one minute think she's taking advantage, but it becoming taxing.
you're right, I can only do so much

 

[vixensghost]

her disability would cover assisted living and yes her hubby's insurance left her enough money to live. She's not rich, but she's not broke.
She also hinted if I can lower her rent (which I did not)

No family.Her mom is 85 and lives 2000 miles away. Her hubby's family all live in England.
Her best friend has a sick hubby and comes over only once a week to take her out. She's very much in introvert and is not a social gal therefore not having a ton of friends.

You have a good soul, J.

However, you do have to think about YOUR health issues first. I think this added stress CAN NOT be helping your situation either.

I'd do what I could, cuz I'm a sucker for people in need too, but you can only do so much. If you feel stressed, like I think you are, DO not continue to put yourself thru this! You'll have to remind her that you are not well right now and may NOT be able to do as much for her. As sad as that is, it's life.

 

[bw1]

Kill her

 

[jnevin]

Peel her like an orange.

 

[heavy_duty]

Don't feel guilty she's not your mother and you are already doing more than anybody else.

My wife has a friend like that but she's 77 and losing her mind (he family does nothing for her and lives close by). Wife is losing patience with her.

 

[jackangel]

put her in front of EF. she'll soon forget about everything else, including bowel movements, food, pain, and happiness.

 

[blueta2]

put her in front of EF. she'll soon forget about everything else, including bowel movements, food, pain, and happiness.

you know, I did offer her my old PC so I could set her up on the net so she can research her illness and to just reach out to others so not to feel so lonely.
She refused. She doesn't want to ever try anything. That part is frustrating.

 

[heavy_duty]

That's weird. My old man is 84 and on line every day.

 

[stilleto]

LOL.....well I bet she would give some good advice

of course i would. thank you sweetie.

the way i see it, you have to kill her. it's the only way you'll feel better.





















ok, not that. I've been in your situation before and I think i even posted about it here. everyone told me to just say NO. there's no reason why it's up to YOU. do what you can, then go. she should appreciate what she got out of you, not wish for a little more.
on christmas day, offer to come by for an hour- either before or after seeing your family. then maybe call her once or twice to see how she's doing.

 

[rubberneck]

Independence??? What frickin independence? Sounds like she depends on others for everything, but wants to live alone. That sounds like the right situation to just have someone come over and be her caretaker. To do the things she wants others to do (take out garbage, cook her meals, drive her to the mall, do her grocery shopping, etc.). They don't have to live there, just come by for a few hours a week.

She's being selfish. But you (and maybe others) are enabling her. I'd have a more serious conversation with her.

Thats what I was going to say!!

 

[heavy_duty]

My wifes "friend" called yesterday and said "I think we're drifting apart" WTF do people want?

Blue, your friend is not really thinking of you as much as you are of her! It is not a give and take relationship is it?

Give when you can and when you feel like it but DO NOT feel bad if you don't want to be around her for a few days.

 

[blueta2]

of course i would. thank you sweetie.

the way i see it, you have to kill her. it's the only way you'll feel better.


ok, not that. I've been in your situation before and I think i even posted about it here. everyone told me to just say NO. there's no reason why it's up to YOU. do what you can, then go. she should appreciate what she got out of you, not wish for a little more.
on christmas day, offer to come by for an hour- either before or after seeing your family. then maybe call her once or twice to see how she's doing.

goodness, you called me sweetie and ATW had no pics for that?!

You're right, it's not up to me, I seem to think these things are my responsibility. Like when I see homeles cats in my area, I feel it's up to me to feed/house them.
Xmas and New yrs day, I will spend a little time with her, but decided I can't put too much energy into it
Thanks G (I mean sweetie) ;-)

 

[blueta2]

My wifes "friend" called yesterday and said "I think we're drifting apart" WTF do people want?

Blue, your friend is not really thinking of you as much as you are of her! It is not a give and take relationship is it?

Give when you can and when you feel like it but DO NOT feel bad if you don't want to be around her for a few days.

I think people need to feel needed.
She's in such a depression so when people are depresses they tend to be self absorbed, but rightly so
I've not called her back since yesterday (she called 3 times) and yes I do feel bad, but will only call her tomorrow.
And my pop also is 75 and surfs the net

 

[blueta2]

ugh....not sure if it's b/c I'm really not feeling well, but I'm getting fed up.
She called me just now and again yesterday and again both time the call ended with a "oh and by the way, can you do me a favor"
Her friend was over yesterday and forgot something at her place. She asked if Marc could drive it back to her friends which is 20-30 mins away. I said "well your friend drives why can't she come pick it up"
She says "Well you know, she has breast cancer"
I replied "sorry Marc can't do it, she will have to come herself"

This reminded me of something. Two summers ago when her hubby was still alive, they would always come out on their back balcony (their balcony overlooks my yard) and see us swimming in my pool and always ask if they can come swimming. Sometimes I would say yes but many times I would say "we just want to be quiet today"
When they would come down, they always would bring booze and smoke dope. It made me nuts! Then one day she had the nerve to ask if her hubby was to clean my pool weekly could they use it whenever they wanted. I told her no way!
This is now making me think she just wants too much from me.
This is prob why I never ask for help or favors, cause it's annoying!
Am I being mean?!

 

[BNG]

Nope!

She's a taker not a giver. Her whole life she's been taking whatever people will give. It's hard to be a nice person when this is what you find. I've gotten a little hard hearted maybe.

Set her up with contacts for the services and care she needs. Let her do something for herself. It may be the most empowering thing to happen to her. The sad part of this is she sucked the life out of her husband and has not changed anything about herself.

 

[blueta2]

Nope!

She's a taker not a giver. Her whole life she's been taking whatever people will give. It's hard to be a nice person when this is what you find. I've gotten a little hard hearted maybe.

Set her up with contacts for the services and care she needs. Let her do something for herself. It may be the most empowering thing to happen to her. The sad part of this is she sucked the life out of her husband and has not changed anything about herself.

I'm certainly going to have to be a little tougher.
Her hubby has not been gone long so I get she is scared, but the more i say yes, the more she seems to ask.
I like the idea about setting her up with contact. Great idea, thanks

 

[heavy_duty]

WTF? DOPE?????

When they would come down, they always would bring booze and smoke dope. It made me nuts! Then one day she had the nerve to ask if her hubby was to clean my pool weekly could they use it whenever they wanted. I told her no way!

 

[blueta2]

yeah they were always smoking weed. They were 60's kids

 

[heavy_duty]

yeah they were always smoking weed. They were 60's kids

Update? How was it?

 

[all the whey]

It sounds to me like bluta is pawning all the work helping her neighbor on her bf.




And, then still has the nerve to bitch about it!!!!!!!#!@$@

 

[blueta2]

Well on xmas eve and xmas day I was not in great shape. I woke up xmas morning and realize I told her I was going to take her to her MRI on xmas eve and I totally forgot.
She called me twice on xmas eve day and I didn't answer b/c I just was not feeling great.
I spoke to her xmas day and apologized b/c I forgot but she told me her friend came to get her and took her to her MRI and then went back to her place and hung out with her. Then on xmas day I was only going to my sisters later so told her if I was home early she could come over.
I only got home at 8pm and she was in bed when I called. She told me she went to another neighbors to spend xmas day. I felt less guilty.
She's not called me back since, but I may see her tonight to give her the gift I got her.
I'm thinking she is realizing I'm not well and having a hard time on my own here.

 

[rnch]

1. you have a good heart, dawlin'.

2. u r being taken advantage of

3. this lady is a "velver hammer leech"

4. it's only going to get worse until you cut/severly lessen ur ties with her. she will use u for as much/as long as u let her.

 

[blueta2]

1. you have a good heart, dawlin'.

2. u r being taken advantage of

3. this lady is a "velver hammer leech"

4. it's only going to get worse until you cut/severly lessen ur ties with her. she will use u for as much/as long as u let her.

thanks My good heart is not always a good thing to have. Puts me in a state of guilt.

You know, I would have never thought she was someone to take advantage, but I'm realizing now she manipulates a little to get what she wants.
She's disabled and needs help, so how can one say no? I know she's doing what she needs to do to survive, but I think she pushes it sometimes.

 

[silverstar1025]

thanks My good heart is not always a good thing to have. Puts me in a state of guilt.

You know, I would have never thought she was someone to take advantage, but I'm realizing now she manipulates a little to get what she wants.
She's disabled and needs help, so how can one say no? I know she's doing what she needs to do to survive, but I think she pushes it sometimes.

When you are way too nice people will always find a way to take advantage of you. I have learned that the hard way.

 

[Bikini Mod]

When you are way too nice people will always find a way to take advantage of you. I have learned that the hard way.

Rnch and Ms Silverstar are 100% correct on all accounts... especially the part about you having a heart that is THIS big.

 

[blueta2]

It's funny because my closest friends will tell you I'm such a hard person and no one can ever get "one" over on me. Normally I don't even let anyone take advantage of me, but in this case I feel b/c she's disabled and just lost her husband, I am mush with her.
But yes, I agree, people who are giving are normally the ones who get walked all over.

 

[BNG]

I really think you'll feel more like helping her when you take care of you first.
She'll appreciate you more when you help her, but by keeping yourself up as a first priority you'll prob be more able to help.


Psssst don't tell this to everyone...........but I get suckered into helping peeps too until I realize whats up.

 

[blueta2]

I really think you'll feel more like helping her when you take care of you first.
She'll appreciate you more when you help her, but by keeping yourself up as a first priority you'll prob be more able to help.


Psssst don't tell this to everyone...........but I get suckered into helping peeps too until I realize whats up.

Your secret is safe me with ;-)

Yep, me first is now my thing. Thanks