Motivating a spouse

[TexasBig]

I need some help on how to motivate my wife to workout and eat right. We've been married 5 yrs now and she used to be really hot. Now she's gained about 15 extra lbs in her thighs and butt (lots-o-cottage cheese) and it's hard for me to look at that and be sexually attracted to her. I've done a pretty poor job in the past of trying to motivate her (dropping suttle hints, getting her a gym membership, etc.), but to no available.
She knows I'm really into health, working out, and having a tone body, but doesn't want me expecting that from her.

I don't know what to do. She hates to workout. She eats like sh*% (raised on "Home Cookin") and she won't take any type of supplements?

Anyone have any advice??

Yours truly,
Confused and desperate

 

[WODIN]

U can't change her, if she wants to get into working out then she will. Otherwise forget about it! It's a non issue if you love her enough to live with it. If you want someone with your exact values it's time to move on then.

 

[vixenbabe]

Sooooo true Wodin.

You can not make a person change- SHE MUST WANT IT FOR HERSELF!

 

[GinNJuice]

I agree with Wodin, she won't work out unless she wants to. Funny thing is..... if you leave her because she doesn't work out, she will hit the gym after you're gone so that she can get back in shape to find someone else.... and to shove it in your face.

The deal is that you need to try and persuade HER to WANT to work out........ My suggestion would be to start 'noticing' other women that are fit and mention it to her. Then follow with something like 'wow, that women must work her ass off at the gym to look like that'.

My guess is that if she loves you, she will try to please you by looking good for you.... if she knows that it's important to you (However, if you LOVED her, then you wouldn't care how she looks and this probably wouldn't be an issue)

 

[runner]

i think you have to try to sell her on the idea of doing things along with you...sign up for a spinning class together or take some tennis lessons together and go out and hit balls around. go for walks with her around the neighborhood and eventually turn that into jogging. somethin' like that....

 

[vixenbabe]

Gin how old are you?

If he tries to shame her it'll make things worse. Christ, take it from a woman. You try this on her and things could back fire on you. Some woman use food for a sense of comfort.

You start ragging on her it could lead to more problems...

Gentle and loving approach is the best way. Hey, maybe try and talk her into going for a good walk each night..Kinda ease her into feeling better. If you can get her going she may like the results she see's..START SLOW AND WITH LOVE NOT SHAME!

 

[TexasBig]

I understand where y'all are coming from on the "if I loved her it wouldn't matter". But for a guy (at least me) it does matter. Guys are physical/visual and women are emotional. Why do you think there are so many tittybars and porn sites. Anyway thanks for the input. I'm not "going to move on" as far as looking for another women, because I'm in this for life.

I just didn't know if someone had a similar situation and did something that actually worked.

 

[TexasBig]

Oh and one more thing. My wife tells me all of the time she needs to loose weight and wish she could look like this girl or that girl but she does nothing about it. I guess that's what irritates me the most. So, I've recently told her if she won't use any of my suggestions or won't do any of her own, I don't want to ever hear her complain again. Hasn't worked. Still hear it about once a day.

 

[frorider6]

I was in a similar situation when I got married. I worked out and was into fitness. She was a runner, had long beautiful hair, and had started to lift weights. After we were married a couple of months she quit working out, cut her hair and ate like shit. She looked totally different than the woman I dated. So instead of a fitness hottie, I had a soccer-mom-to-be.

And before you guys say it, she changed in more ways than just physically. She had truly become a different woman.

My point is this. A lot of people act a certain way just to land a spouse. Once they are married and there isn't as much of a chance of this person leaving, they become their true selves. That's why I don't believe in marriage as we have come to view it. Too many people see it as a landmark that they have to reach, and once there, they don't have to try to please their significant other anymore.

TexasBig, I know exactly what you're going through. I'd say you need to have a serious conversation with her about the person she was and the person she has become. People change, but personal growth is different than giving up.

If that doesn't work. Call her a fat bitch.

 

[Y_lifter]

Seriously sounds like an emotional problem with her if she is ranting about it every day.
Maybe counsuling to find out why she has this eating disorder.
Personally, my wife turned around and saw the light after I started getting firm and strong and other women(her friends) started noticing me and making mention of how good I looked for my age.(38)

 

[velvett]

Texas,

I imagine the reason she tells you about her needing to lose weight is because she doesn't want you to think she is not aware of her appearance. She's probably not ready to start to do something to change her appearance, which basically adds up to not hating how you look enough to start to change the way you look.

It's about comfort levels.
When she is more uncomfortable with how she looks than comfortable she will perhaps begin. No guarantees.

I would suggest that the next time she brings it up to her ask her what sort of plans she had in mind for starting a diet and workout plan. She might just feel intimidated by a gym, or doesn't know where to start and doesn't want you to be the one tell her what and how.

Perhaps when she brings it up to you again you could offer her a mini-membership to one of those one on one personal training place. It may give her the confidence and motivation to continue on her own in a regular gym or health club.

She will not respond to anything you say - it will only push her farther away from starting. You can continue a conversation she starts but don't be the first one to bring it up.

She has to feel that you are supporting her in something she chose to do not something she feels that she needs to do to keep you interested.

If that doesn't work. Call her a fat bitch.

LOL
And there you have the fastest guarantee to a NO SEX marriage.

Maybe counsuling to find out why she has this eating disorder.

Why do you assume she has an eating disorder?

Texas said she likes to eat good *home cookin'* and doesn't work out. I imagine his wife's weight gain is age/metabolism slow down. She probably ate like that her whole life and it's now catching up with her.

Do you always assume that people that need to lose weight have an eating disorder?

 

[frorider6]

velvett, it sounds like he doesn't want to fuck her now so what's the problem?

I feel your pain bro. I doubt anything I said would help though. Except for the "fat bitch" thing. But only as a last resort!

 

[velvett]

velvett, it sounds like he doesn't want to fuck her now so what's the problem?

Nothing I guess.
Frorider, maybe your wife doesn't think you worth looking good for.


Just a thought.

 

[ryker77]

Anything and everything you do will in her eyes be the same as calling her " Fat ". It could be 2-3 weeks later after you try to teach her the correct way to eat and your both eating and she puts an assload of butter on her potatoes and you just happen to look at the butter for a split second to long. Well she'll notice and she'll automactilly think your thinking how fat she is. (females)
Point is she knows she's fat. She knows she isn't as attractive. But no matter what you do you'll be the bad guy.
Just keep your mouth shut unless you want to loose alot of $$$ in a divorce. Like me...

Perhaps order her some fitness type magazines but don't let her know you ordered them.

 

[Y_lifter]

There are multiple levels of Eating Disorders IMO.
Everyone thinks about serious ones like binge/purge and Anerexia when they hear the term.
I am referring to being overweight, not trying to do anything about it and constantly using self loathing language about one self.
There are plenty of overweight people that are happy with themselves and that's better than being overweight and not liking how you look physically.
Before I started lifting several years ago, I too had the slowing metabolism waight gain problem.
I finally got fed up with wearing tight clothes and feeling guilty every time I ate anything remotely fattening.

 

[TexasBig]

velvet-
thanks for all of the input. I have actually gotten her a personal trainer a couple of years ago. she went to 4 of the 10 sessions, got fatigued within 10 minutes of the workout and basically gave up. she went to the doctor for the fatigue, but they couldn't find anything wrong with her.

and by the way... I am worth looking good for

Maybe there's nothing I can do about it, but no matter what, I can't change the fact that I'll always wish she was in shape. Maybe someday it'll be an issue that is too big to ignore, or maybe it's something I can live with the rest of my life but just not being 100% satisfied.

And since her and I have gone round and round about this subject in the past, I can't bring it up to her anymore or all hell breaks loose.

 

[GinNJuice]

Gin how old are you?

If he tries to shame her it'll make things worse. Christ, take it from a woman. You try this on her and things could back fire on you. Some woman use food for a sense of comfort.

LOL.... well, I'm 28..... and no, I don't think I know women (what man does?)..... but anyway, I wasn't suggesting ANY form of shame. However, it sounds like he is not happy with the situation (for whatever reasons) and I was mearly giving a suggestion that he might try(softly). All people react differently, so in this case I might have been wrong...... or maybe it was a good suggestion...... neither you, or I will know.

 

[velvett]

There are multiple levels of Eating Disorders IMO.
Everyone thinks about serious ones like binge/purge and Anerexia when they hear the term.
I am referring to being overweight, not trying to do anything about it and constantly using self loathing language about one self.

While I agree with you and the multiple levels of eating disorder - from what Texas said it seems (key word here = seems) not to be something along the lines of compulsive overeating/depression and I don't recall him using the term self-loathing.


Anywhoooooooo...


Congrats on the metabolism turn around!

 

[velvett]

and by the way... I am worth looking good for

Sorry - I hadn't meant that to be directed to you.

thanks for all of the input. I have actually gotten her a personal trainer a couple of years ago. she went to 4 of the 10 sessions, got fatigued within 10 minutes of the workout and basically gave up. she went to the doctor for the fatigue, but they couldn't find anything wrong with her.

Ahh.
Hmmm.
That's a shame - her being fatigued, I would think to be normal for someone that doesn't workout.

Have her eating habits changed at all since you met her? (Damn, I may be inserting foot here soon huh, Y-lifter...)


I don't know Texas - could she be depressed?

Have you tried a sport like Tennis or Rollerblading?
You two could do that together and it doesn't have to be labeled as *working out*.

Probably best to let it go for a bit if talking about it starts a fight. (I have a married friends that fight over the same exact thing - since 6 month prior to their marriage.)

*fingers crossed*

good luck

 

[frorider6]

Velvett-maybe I should be offended at your comment but I'm not. I Know there's tons about this that you don't know about and there's no sense getting pissy. I divorced her for many more reasons than just her cutting her hair and getting a big ass.

I'm just empathizing with Tex about his wife's changing appearance and her seemingly lazy and unresponsive attitude about it. I think it makes it even worse that she thinks she's getting fat, complains to him all the time, but yet does nothing to help herself. It sounds like he truly does love her which would make it even harder on him. She complains to him, he has the solution and would support her 100%, but she does nothing but complain even more.

 

[BackDoc]

Although I don't personally know what you're going through, my best friend went through this problem and I talked to him at length about how he dealt with it as well as what finally worked.

He and his wife married after a long dating period (3 or 4 years) and before they got married they both were very physically fit. However, this did not last and within a couple of years she had lost her figure and gained quite a few pounds. I don't remember exactly how much but I would guess that she gained about 60 lbs. of fat. Her activity level sharply declined apparently and it was driving him crazy.

When he and I talked about it, they had had some very nasty arguments about the weight issue. He told me that he was considering a divorce if she didn't lose the weight. I asked why weight mattered to him so much that he would leave her rather than try and find a solution. He said he was tired of being embarrassed in public. I just listened and didn't offer any advice since it could affect their marriage.

The problems have not resolved to this day, and I can tell you that they are not very close. My wife and I don't see them that often anymore since it is a burden for us to see how they seem to not even be in love anymore. All they do is bicker and talk badly about each other.

The way I see it, if this happened to me and my wife, I would be very worried about the long term health risks of being 50 or 60 lbs overweight (diabetes, pregnancy complications, heart disease, etc.). However, I can't see how 15-20 extra pounds are in that risk. I've gone out with women of every different variety and never worried about what people in public thought. However, I did marry a woman who is physically fit, so maybe I'm biased towards thinness as well. I would wonder whether or not you might need to talk to a counselor hopefully understand the root of your anger as well as your lack of sexual attraction.

In order to change, a person has to make and carry out that decision themselves. Otherwise she's doing it just to please you, and might lose her initiative after awhile. Maybe you and her can do something together like biking or walking...not all people like lifting weights, find something that you both enjoy doing as far as exercise and then you will not only find something that brings you two closer together, but hopefully solves the weight gain issue.

 

[satanic goatslayer]

Simple Simon.

Slice her abdomen open, tear her stomach out and replace it with a plastic bag. Change the bag every 2 days or so. She "might" die, but that is a non-issue right now.

 

[BackDoc]

He can tell her how he feels without being insulting. Love and commitment does not give a license to be rude. Piss her off by saying it like that to her and she may never change. That would be sad if she was capable of being motivated (or motivating herself) but decided not to because he made her mad. That's the thing about painful insults...when a stranger makes them, it can be a motivating force to change, but when a spouse makes them it becomes a barrier to future communication. If she no longer values how he feels (after a rude insult) then she's not likely to make the change for the better. We want the man to see some success AND keep his marriage, not lay down an ultimatum and risk losing it all.

 

[BackDoc]

LOL SG!

 

[TexasBig]

Scary!! I wonder if my wife reads this board!? She woke up this morning and rode the exercise bike. Wow!

Satan is shivering in his boots right now.

All I can do now is hope it continues. You think I should give encouragment to her by maybe telling her a little white lie? I thought about in a couple of weeks (if she's been consistant with her execising) telling her that she's looking better and I can tell she's looking a bit firmer?

 

[BackDoc]

I would think that would be a very nice thing to do. I would not consider it a white lie to tell her she looks firmer, especially if she brings up the subject. You could probably tell her that you're proud of her or something like that, in which case that would probably be the truth.

 

[HelenSL]

Oh and one more thing. My wife tells me all of the time she needs to loose weight and wish she could look like this girl or that girl but she does nothing about it. I guess that's what irritates me the most. So, I've recently told her if she won't use any of my suggestions or won't do any of her own, I don't want to ever hear her complain again. Hasn't worked. Still hear it about once a day.

You could read this book: the HIM book by Chris Fabry.

It's this book by a husband who used to be a jerk and learned how to be nice to his wife eventually.

He shares what he learned.

Or you could go to marriage counseling.

Believe it or not her not doing what you tell her to do is not the real problem in your marriage...*sigh*

You are right that you do have a problem in your relationship...that's for sure... *sigh*

...good luck with sorting it out...i hope you love her enough to work at this...

maybe you could negotiate a deal (that's what my marriage counselor suggests) - you find one thing she wants from you and one you want from her (just one or it is overwhelming) and then you agree to do them for a week and see what happens.

you might be surprised at what is her one thing...*sigh*...if you are then THAT is more the real problem in your marriage than what you thought it was...

as i said, good luck...you have a lot of work ahead of you...perhaps more than you think she does physically...but you can do it if you want to. If you care about your marriage i hope you not only want to but you WILL commit to doing it as much as you commit yourself to physically working out. My guess is that if you got to look perfect and had no special person in your life because she gave up and left you - that you would be less happy than if you were as out of shape as she is and you still had someone who loves you, with you, married to you...

yeah, i hope it works out...

love
helen

 

[Gilbyag]

... take out back to the barn and beat her with a chain... when shes not acting right... just rattle the chain, this will set her straight again without any effort on your part...

 

[HelenSL]

Nothing I guess.
Frorider, maybe your wife doesn't think you worth looking good for.


Just a thought.

That's possible but she probably is not doing it to 'punish' him.

I bet it's much more that she's not happy and so she turns to food...and all his 'constructive criticisms and suggestions' do is make her more afraid he's gonna leave because he only wants her if she looks like he wants her to look...the stress and pressure of that will drive her to eat too much like nothing else

well or you get a Princess Di situation...starving oneself...

either way it's an eating disorder - or similar if not technically a disorder...that is based in emotional problems that will only be exarcebated by a husband who seems only to care about her appearance and not her...

hey did my sig prompt all this???

whatever

love
helen