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Married/been married ppl
- Thread starter myway
- Start date
Longhorn85
New member
Never have. I guess they work out sometimes and sometimes not. If it were me it would be a license to act as if I were single again and play the field.
Are you going to try one?
Are you going to try one?
layinback
New member
i've been through 2 divorces. both times a living hell.
in it for life this time.
i equate "trial separation" with THE END.
i mean really.......what does it mean?
are you checking to see if your better off
without each other? is there a predetermined
time or is it arbitrary? i have never understood
the concept of "trial separation" it's sorta like
"i need my space" which i interpret as " i'm sick
of your shit, see ya bye" i'm by no means an
expert on relationships and i'm sure just about
any problems can be worked through, provided
both partners want to, but shit like this sounds
rough to me.
regardless myway i wish you happiness and the best
for you and your baby
in it for life this time.
i equate "trial separation" with THE END.
i mean really.......what does it mean?
are you checking to see if your better off
without each other? is there a predetermined
time or is it arbitrary? i have never understood
the concept of "trial separation" it's sorta like
"i need my space" which i interpret as " i'm sick
of your shit, see ya bye" i'm by no means an
expert on relationships and i'm sure just about
any problems can be worked through, provided
both partners want to, but shit like this sounds
rough to me.
regardless myway i wish you happiness and the best
for you and your baby
Wulfgar said:
In my favs.
layinback
New member
PuddleMonkey said:
good thing you're anti marriage \ anti kids.
lowers the odds of you reproducing and polluting
the planet with "little puddlemonkeys"
your genetic material would certainly impact the
worlds food supply and spread venereal diseases
just like daddy puddles. not to mention they'd proly
grow up and make countless asinine post on internet
discussion boards.
S
SaladFork
Guest
layinback said:
I agree!
myway, you're fat.
layinback, noboidy would wish any puddlemonkey progeny on any world. whether we were in it or not.
layinback, noboidy would wish any puddlemonkey progeny on any world. whether we were in it or not.
layinback said:good thing you're anti marriage \ anti kids.
lowers the odds of you reproducing and polluting
the planet with "little puddlemonkeys"
your genetic material would certainly impact the
worlds food supply and spread venereal diseases
just like daddy puddles. not to mention they'd proly
grow up and make countless asinine post on internet
discussion boards.
Just for that I'm gonna start reproducing!
juiceddreadlocks said:
How's that ten speed treating you? Anything left of your prostate?
PuddleMonkey said:
yeah my boyfriend milked it for me earlier.
STFU you fatass fatass.
S
SaladFork
Guest
PuddleMonkey said:
LoL@ 10 speed
layinback
New member
myway said:
uh oh.
after the chemical romance has died down ( lust ) the "work" begins.
kathy and i see a therapist once a week, five years now. we both
work hard and practice the principals we learn. we had TERRIBLE
models for intimacy so we are both emotionally immature but we
are learning and growing together.
denial, projection and anger are primitive defense mechanism that
hallmark dysfunctional relationships. it's next to impossible to be
objective and outside help is indispensable. both parties must be
willing to own their own shit and be courageous enough to face
emotional pain.
seaking420
New member
ive been seperated for 3 months now...........not sure whats happening.........and its all my doing..........Divorce seems VERY difficult.....not sure if I want to go through with that
true. lumberg and I see a therapist regularly too. it really helps it in perspective.layinback said:[/SIZE]
uh oh.
after the chemical romance has died down ( lust ) the "work" begins.
kathy and i see a therapist once a week, five years now. we both
work hard and practice the principals we learn. we had TERRIBLE
models for intimacy so we are both emotionally immature but we
are learning and growing together.
denial, projection and anger are primitive defense mechanism that
hallmark dysfunctional relationships. it's next to impossible to be
objective and outside help is indispensable. both parties must be
willing to own their own shit and be courageous enough to face
emotional pain.
myway said:
Was with my X for 11 years... divorced and then tried to do the right thing for the kids... It didn't work. We both changed, not the same two people that fell in love with each other the first go round. So we again seperated, still friends and we make things work for our kids... our lives revolve around them.
Bikini Mod
New member
There was no separation for me and my ex. It was, "Get the fuck out before I call the police." ...to this day I regret NOT calling them regardless.
Myway, I admire the fact that you are willing to forgive his obvious infidelity and try to make things work but from what you are posting here that HE SAYS... YOU are the only one willing to do the work.
My marriage to my Old Grump ain't all roses and lollipops and some therapy would probably do us good. We are just so freaking caught up in trying to "get to the next step just so we can breathe - in regards to life" that we just haven't gotten their yet. But I am not opposed to it either. Goodness knows that I could DEFINITELY use some counseling to deal with what goes on in my head on a constant basis as it wears ALL of my loved ones out eventually and then I have NO ONE to talk to, creates a HYUGE strain on our relationship.
Anyways...
Honestly? It doesn't sound like your husband is committed to this at all and if I may be so bold?... I am thinkin he was probably relieved that you caught him. If you "sweep it under the rug" then he can keep doing it. If you keep "looking the other way" then it all of the sudden "becomes your fault for accepting it."
Does that make sense?
Myway, I admire the fact that you are willing to forgive his obvious infidelity and try to make things work but from what you are posting here that HE SAYS... YOU are the only one willing to do the work.
My marriage to my Old Grump ain't all roses and lollipops and some therapy would probably do us good. We are just so freaking caught up in trying to "get to the next step just so we can breathe - in regards to life" that we just haven't gotten their yet. But I am not opposed to it either. Goodness knows that I could DEFINITELY use some counseling to deal with what goes on in my head on a constant basis as it wears ALL of my loved ones out eventually and then I have NO ONE to talk to, creates a HYUGE strain on our relationship.
Anyways...
Honestly? It doesn't sound like your husband is committed to this at all and if I may be so bold?... I am thinkin he was probably relieved that you caught him. If you "sweep it under the rug" then he can keep doing it. If you keep "looking the other way" then it all of the sudden "becomes your fault for accepting it."
Does that make sense?
S
silverstar1025
Guest
Paul_Allen said:
Just say no!
Grumpy Old Man
Grumpy Old Biker Bastard
myway said:
I don't mean to be harsh, the entire scenario is only what I have read, so let me translate what he said for you.
You caught me, ok, you deal with it. I don't want anyone else knowing I am cheating on you so tell you not to put up with it anymore. I am too comfortable now and don't want to change.
Therapy won't work because I am not going to do anything different no matter what you say, how much you threaten or what anyone else says. If you don't like it then move out. If you stay deal with me doing any woman I can.
bigmann245
New member
you know my situation and what we went through. yes they do work but only if you set the ground rules. my wife and i didnt and i slept with someone and she found out. no big deal i thought but she thought the rules were different. now that we are back together i regret doing it and she still has it on the back of her mind. just make sure you both agree what the boundaries are before hand so neither one of you do something that can ultimately end the relationship. if he thinks therapy wont work than it wont. you both have to go in believing it will work or its no use.
needtogetarmy
CEO of Project Mayhem
layinback said:
famous last words...
DannoMight
New member
haven't had that problem. sorry its only been about 5 years in so hopefully i won't have to suffer one of those problems.
Bikini Mod
New member
MightyMouse69 said:
WERD hence our theory that you don't use the search for "love" as a criteria for choosing a life partner...
It ain't love at all. As layinback stated that is chemical - ALL HORMONES so as to propogate the species.
seaking420
New member
So true..........ive been seeing a therapist too and he said something very similar......you dont know whats going to happen in 5-10 years......you cant predict the future you can work towards it but dont assume its whats going to happen......someone could leave you.....someone could even die.....understand the now.
People are too fucking flaky these days. The norm is to run from problems rather than face them and solve them. No wonder there are so many broken relationships/families/delinquent kids.
blueta2
New member
layinback said:[/SIZE]
uh oh.
after the chemical romance has died down ( lust ) the "work" begins.
kathy and i see a therapist once a week, five years now. we both
work hard and practice the principals we learn. we had TERRIBLE
models for intimacy so we are both emotionally immature but we
are learning and growing together.
denial, projection and anger are primitive defense mechanism that
hallmark dysfunctional relationships. it's next to impossible to be
objective and outside help is indispensable. both parties must be
willing to own their own shit and be courageous enough to face
emotional pain.
Great insight.
My ex of 11 yrs and I had a trial sep. It last 4 weeks, and it did nothing. That 4 weeks should have been spent in therapy.
Now having said this, time apart to do your own thing for a while is also theraputic.
The imago form of therapy teaches that marriage is not about love
Check out this dr's site.
http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/
I'm following this now
blueta2
New member
Hate clogging up a thread, but here is just some of the theory
From conflict to hope
At some point in their relationship, couples often find themselves struggling with anger and shock, despair and sadness. Some are newlyweds, and can’t understand how they have plummeted from the heights of love and glory into a swamp of hopelessness and conflict. Others have been married for many years, and though they have been slogging along – in calm or storm – their days of wine and roses are a dim memory. Even if life at home is relatively peaceful, couples lament that they have “nothing in common anymore.” And so they lead a disappointed or angry co-existence, each with their own friends and interests, in a marriage of convenience, or an arrangement they endure “for the sake of the children.”
Shattered dreams, whatever form they take, are painful. But there is hope. In fact, the pain and conflict of committed relationships arise not out of lack of love for our partners, but from a misunderstanding of what love relationships are about. Your conflict can be the very fuel for the fulfillment you seek.
[Return to Top]
Why do we fall in love?
What is really happening when we fall in--and out of--love?
What's really going on when couples fight?
To gain insight into the hidden agenda of a relationship, we need to look at the complex process of human growth and development, and at how we human beings fit into the larger scheme of things.
I believe that we are creatures of nature, with the evolutionary program of our species encoded in our genes, and that we all begin life in a state of relaxed and joyful bliss. If our caretakers are attuned to our wants and needs, ready and able to provide warmth safety and sustenance, our feelings of aliveness and well-being are sustained. We remain whole.
But even in the best of circumstances, our parents are not able to maintain perfect standards, to be available every minute, to always understand exactly what is needed or to meet every demand. Tired, angry, depressed, busy, ill, distracted, afraid--our parents fail to sustain our feelings of security and comfort.
Every unmet need causes fear and pain and, in our infantile ignorance, we have no idea how to stop it and restore our feeling of safety. As a response, we adopt primitive coping mechanisms ranging from constant crying to get attention to withdrawing inward and denying that we even have needs. Meanwhile, throughout our childhood, we are also being socialized, molded by our caretakers and communities to fit into society. Observant and malleable, we learn what to do to gain love and acceptance. We repress or disown parts of ourselves that society finds unacceptable or unlovable. Our sense of "allrightness" diminishes, and we end up as shadows of our whole, true selves.
Most of us had “good enough” caretakers; we do all right. Some of us didn’t fare so well, and our lives are handicapped by deep hurts. All of us were wounded in childhood to some extent. We are now coping as well as we can with the world and our relationships, but parts of our true nature were suppressed in the unconscious. We look grown up--we have jobs and responsibilities--but we are walking wounded, trying to live life fully while unconsciously hoping to somehow restore the sense of joyful aliveness we began with.
When we fall in love, we believe we've found that sense of joyful aliveness! Suddenly, we see life in technicolor. We nibble each others' ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We're sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. We feel whole, we feel like ourselves. Finally we feel safe, and breathe a sigh of relieved deliverance. It looks like everything is going to turn out all right, after all.
[Return to Top]
Why does falling in love go wrong?
But inevitably--often when we marry or move in together--things just start to go wrong. In some cases, all hell breaks loose. The veil of illusion falls away, and it seems that our partners are different than we thought they were. It turns out they have qualities that we can't bear. Even qualities we once admired grate on us. Old hurts are reactivated as we realize that our partners cannot or will not love and care for us as they promised. Our dream shatters.
Disillusionment turns to anger, fueled by fear that we won't survive without the love and safety that was within our grasp. Since our partner is no longer willingly giving us what we need, we change tactics, trying to maneuver our partners into caring--through anger, crying, withdrawal, shame, intimidation, criticism--whatever works. We will make them love us. Or we may negotiate for time, love, chores, gifts.
The power struggle has begun, and may go on for many years, until we split. Or we settle into an uneasy truce.
What is going on here? Apparently you have found an Imago partner. Someone, I'm afraid, who is uniquely unqualified (at the moment), to give you the love you want.
Furthermore, this is what's supposed to happen!
Let me explain. We all think that we have freedom of choice when it comes to selecting our partners. But regardless of what it is we think we're looking for in a mate, our unconscious has its own agenda.
Our primitive "old" brain has a compelling, non-negotiable drive to restore the feeling of aliveness and wholeness that we came into the world with. To accomplish that, it must repair the damage done in childhood as a result of unmet needs, and the way it does that is to find a partner who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide.
You'd think, then, that we would choose someone who has what our caretakers lacked. If only that were so! But the old brain has a mind of its own, with its own checklist of desired qualities. It is carrying around its own image of the perfect partner, a complex synthesis of qualities formed in reaction to the way our caretakers responded to our needs. Every pleasure or pain, every transaction of childhood, has left its mark on us, and these collective impressions form an unconscious picture we're always trying to replicate as we scan our environment for a suitable mate.
This image of "the person who can make me whole again" I call the Imago.
Though we consciously seek only the positive traits, the negative traits of our caretakers are more indelibly imprinted in our Imago picture, because those are the traits which caused the painful experiences we now seek to heal. Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone who reminds us of our caretakers. In other words, we look for someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place.
So when we fall in love, when bells ring and the world seems altogether a better place, our old brain is telling us that we've found someone with whom we can finally get our needs met. Unfortunately, since we don't understand what's going on, we're shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces, and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction.
But that's not all the bad news. Another powerful component of our Imago is that we seek the qualities missing in ourselves that got lost in the shuffle of socialization. If we are shy, we seek someone outgoing; if we’re disorganized, we’re attracted to someone cool and rational. But eventually, when our own feelings—our repressed exuberance or anger—are stirred, we are uncomfortable, and criticize our partners for being too outgoing, too coldly rational, to temperamental.
[Return to Top]
Why is conflict good!?
Being aware of ourselves is the key; it changes everything.
When we understand that we have chosen our partners to heal certain painful experiences, and that the healing of those experiences is the key to the end of longing, we have taken the first step on the journey to real love.
What we need to understand and accept is that conflict is supposed to happen. This is as nature intended it: Everything in nature is in conflict. Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met and become whole. It's only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive.
Divorce does not solve the problems of relationship. We may get rid of our partners, but we keep our problems, carting them into the next relationship. Divorce is incompatible with the intentions of nature.
Romantic love is supposed to end. It is the glue that initially bonds two incompatible people together so that they will do what needs to be done to heal themselves.
The good news is that although many couples become hopelessly locked in the power struggle, it too is supposed to end.
Regardless of what we may believe, relationships are not born of love, but of need; real love is born in relationships, as a result of understanding what they are about and doing what is necessary to have them.
You may already be with your dream partner, but at the moment, he or she is in disguise--and, like you, in pain. A Conscious Relationship itself is the practice you need to restore your sense of aliveness. The goal of Imago Practice is to change the power struggle and set you on the path of real love.
[Return to Top]
How to make conflict bring us closer
Many couples' problems are rooted in misunderstood, manipulated, or avoided communications. To correct this, we have created the Imago Dialogue, the core skill of Imago Practice.
Using this effective communications technique, you can restructure the way you talk to each other, so that what you say to each other is mirrored back to you, is validated, and empathized with. You can use the Imago Dialogue to tell each other all about your childhoods, to state your frustrations clearly, and to articulate exactly what you need from each other in order to heal.
Clear communication is a window into the world of your partner; truly being heard is a powerful aphrodisiac.
Follow this link for more details on how you can use the Imago Dialogue.
Over time, we move from a staring at exteriors to a sharing of interiors, as we learn to participate
in the emotional realm of the other, while holding onto our own, separate experience.
Initially, Dialogue may feel artificial. With practice, it will become seamless and connecting.
In the Dialogue, both partners cross a bridge into each other’s worlds, motivated not only by
the Receiver’s desire to be “hear and understand” but also to meet the Sender’s need to be “heard and understood.” The Dialogue fosters intentionality, a commitment to slow down our lives and devote specific uninterrupted time to our relationships. The Dialogue ultimately says to the other, “I respect
your otherness; I want to learn from it. And I want to share mine with you.”
One of the greatest learnings of Dialogue is the discovery of two distinct worlds. Whenever two people are involved, there are always two realities. These realities will always be different in small and large ways, no matter what. And the reality of the other person can be understood, accepted, valued, and even loved but not made to be identical to our own.
[Return to Top]
Finding true love
The Dialogue must also be turned into action: we give our partners what they need, and not just what is easy to give. Now we come to the heart of the matter: in a Conscious relationship we agree to change in order to give our partner what s/he needs. This is a radical idea. Conventional wisdom says that people don’t change, that we should simply learn to accept each other as we are. But without change, there is no growth; we are confined to the fate, to remaining stuck in our unhappiness.
Change is the catalyst for healing. In changing to give our partners what they need, we heal our own painful experiences. Our own behavior was born in response to our particular deprivations; it is our adaptation to loss. In giving our partners what is hardest for us to give, we have to bring our hidden selves out into the light, owning and enlivening parts of ourselves. When we change our behavior in response to our mate, we heal our partner and ourselves.
I call the process by which we alter our entrenched behaviors to give our partners what they need stretching, for it requires that we conquer our fears and do what comes unnaturally. Our resistance reflects our defenses. Often we may feel that we're losing ourselves but we are not ourselves now; it is in the crucible of change that we regain ourselves.
Over the course of time, as our partners demonstrate their love for us, as they learn about and accept our hidden selves, and as we stretch to love our partners, our pain and self-absorption diminishes. We restore our empathic feelings for our partners, and our feelings of connection to the other that were lost in the pain of our childhood. Finally we learn to see our partners for themselves, with their own private world of personal meaning, their own ideas and dreams, and not merely as extensions of ourselves, or as we wish they were. We no longer say, "You liked that awful movie?", but rather "Tell me why you liked that movie. I want to know how you think."
Finally, we can relax; everything is all right.
A conscious relationship is a spiritual path which leads us home again, to joy and aliveness, to the feeling of oneness we started out with. All through the course of Imago Practice, we learn to express love as a behavior daily, in large and small ways: in other words, in stretching to give our partner what they need, we learn to love. The transformation of our relationships may not be accomplished easily or quickly; we are setting off on a lifelong journey.
From conflict to hope
At some point in their relationship, couples often find themselves struggling with anger and shock, despair and sadness. Some are newlyweds, and can’t understand how they have plummeted from the heights of love and glory into a swamp of hopelessness and conflict. Others have been married for many years, and though they have been slogging along – in calm or storm – their days of wine and roses are a dim memory. Even if life at home is relatively peaceful, couples lament that they have “nothing in common anymore.” And so they lead a disappointed or angry co-existence, each with their own friends and interests, in a marriage of convenience, or an arrangement they endure “for the sake of the children.”
Shattered dreams, whatever form they take, are painful. But there is hope. In fact, the pain and conflict of committed relationships arise not out of lack of love for our partners, but from a misunderstanding of what love relationships are about. Your conflict can be the very fuel for the fulfillment you seek.
[Return to Top]
Why do we fall in love?
What is really happening when we fall in--and out of--love?
What's really going on when couples fight?
To gain insight into the hidden agenda of a relationship, we need to look at the complex process of human growth and development, and at how we human beings fit into the larger scheme of things.
I believe that we are creatures of nature, with the evolutionary program of our species encoded in our genes, and that we all begin life in a state of relaxed and joyful bliss. If our caretakers are attuned to our wants and needs, ready and able to provide warmth safety and sustenance, our feelings of aliveness and well-being are sustained. We remain whole.
But even in the best of circumstances, our parents are not able to maintain perfect standards, to be available every minute, to always understand exactly what is needed or to meet every demand. Tired, angry, depressed, busy, ill, distracted, afraid--our parents fail to sustain our feelings of security and comfort.
Every unmet need causes fear and pain and, in our infantile ignorance, we have no idea how to stop it and restore our feeling of safety. As a response, we adopt primitive coping mechanisms ranging from constant crying to get attention to withdrawing inward and denying that we even have needs. Meanwhile, throughout our childhood, we are also being socialized, molded by our caretakers and communities to fit into society. Observant and malleable, we learn what to do to gain love and acceptance. We repress or disown parts of ourselves that society finds unacceptable or unlovable. Our sense of "allrightness" diminishes, and we end up as shadows of our whole, true selves.
Most of us had “good enough” caretakers; we do all right. Some of us didn’t fare so well, and our lives are handicapped by deep hurts. All of us were wounded in childhood to some extent. We are now coping as well as we can with the world and our relationships, but parts of our true nature were suppressed in the unconscious. We look grown up--we have jobs and responsibilities--but we are walking wounded, trying to live life fully while unconsciously hoping to somehow restore the sense of joyful aliveness we began with.
When we fall in love, we believe we've found that sense of joyful aliveness! Suddenly, we see life in technicolor. We nibble each others' ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We're sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. We feel whole, we feel like ourselves. Finally we feel safe, and breathe a sigh of relieved deliverance. It looks like everything is going to turn out all right, after all.
[Return to Top]
Why does falling in love go wrong?
But inevitably--often when we marry or move in together--things just start to go wrong. In some cases, all hell breaks loose. The veil of illusion falls away, and it seems that our partners are different than we thought they were. It turns out they have qualities that we can't bear. Even qualities we once admired grate on us. Old hurts are reactivated as we realize that our partners cannot or will not love and care for us as they promised. Our dream shatters.
Disillusionment turns to anger, fueled by fear that we won't survive without the love and safety that was within our grasp. Since our partner is no longer willingly giving us what we need, we change tactics, trying to maneuver our partners into caring--through anger, crying, withdrawal, shame, intimidation, criticism--whatever works. We will make them love us. Or we may negotiate for time, love, chores, gifts.
The power struggle has begun, and may go on for many years, until we split. Or we settle into an uneasy truce.
What is going on here? Apparently you have found an Imago partner. Someone, I'm afraid, who is uniquely unqualified (at the moment), to give you the love you want.
Furthermore, this is what's supposed to happen!
Let me explain. We all think that we have freedom of choice when it comes to selecting our partners. But regardless of what it is we think we're looking for in a mate, our unconscious has its own agenda.
Our primitive "old" brain has a compelling, non-negotiable drive to restore the feeling of aliveness and wholeness that we came into the world with. To accomplish that, it must repair the damage done in childhood as a result of unmet needs, and the way it does that is to find a partner who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide.
You'd think, then, that we would choose someone who has what our caretakers lacked. If only that were so! But the old brain has a mind of its own, with its own checklist of desired qualities. It is carrying around its own image of the perfect partner, a complex synthesis of qualities formed in reaction to the way our caretakers responded to our needs. Every pleasure or pain, every transaction of childhood, has left its mark on us, and these collective impressions form an unconscious picture we're always trying to replicate as we scan our environment for a suitable mate.
This image of "the person who can make me whole again" I call the Imago.
Though we consciously seek only the positive traits, the negative traits of our caretakers are more indelibly imprinted in our Imago picture, because those are the traits which caused the painful experiences we now seek to heal. Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone who reminds us of our caretakers. In other words, we look for someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place.
So when we fall in love, when bells ring and the world seems altogether a better place, our old brain is telling us that we've found someone with whom we can finally get our needs met. Unfortunately, since we don't understand what's going on, we're shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces, and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction.
But that's not all the bad news. Another powerful component of our Imago is that we seek the qualities missing in ourselves that got lost in the shuffle of socialization. If we are shy, we seek someone outgoing; if we’re disorganized, we’re attracted to someone cool and rational. But eventually, when our own feelings—our repressed exuberance or anger—are stirred, we are uncomfortable, and criticize our partners for being too outgoing, too coldly rational, to temperamental.
[Return to Top]
Why is conflict good!?
Being aware of ourselves is the key; it changes everything.
When we understand that we have chosen our partners to heal certain painful experiences, and that the healing of those experiences is the key to the end of longing, we have taken the first step on the journey to real love.
What we need to understand and accept is that conflict is supposed to happen. This is as nature intended it: Everything in nature is in conflict. Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met and become whole. It's only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive.
Divorce does not solve the problems of relationship. We may get rid of our partners, but we keep our problems, carting them into the next relationship. Divorce is incompatible with the intentions of nature.
Romantic love is supposed to end. It is the glue that initially bonds two incompatible people together so that they will do what needs to be done to heal themselves.
The good news is that although many couples become hopelessly locked in the power struggle, it too is supposed to end.
Regardless of what we may believe, relationships are not born of love, but of need; real love is born in relationships, as a result of understanding what they are about and doing what is necessary to have them.
You may already be with your dream partner, but at the moment, he or she is in disguise--and, like you, in pain. A Conscious Relationship itself is the practice you need to restore your sense of aliveness. The goal of Imago Practice is to change the power struggle and set you on the path of real love.
[Return to Top]
How to make conflict bring us closer
Many couples' problems are rooted in misunderstood, manipulated, or avoided communications. To correct this, we have created the Imago Dialogue, the core skill of Imago Practice.
Using this effective communications technique, you can restructure the way you talk to each other, so that what you say to each other is mirrored back to you, is validated, and empathized with. You can use the Imago Dialogue to tell each other all about your childhoods, to state your frustrations clearly, and to articulate exactly what you need from each other in order to heal.
Clear communication is a window into the world of your partner; truly being heard is a powerful aphrodisiac.
Follow this link for more details on how you can use the Imago Dialogue.
Over time, we move from a staring at exteriors to a sharing of interiors, as we learn to participate
in the emotional realm of the other, while holding onto our own, separate experience.
Initially, Dialogue may feel artificial. With practice, it will become seamless and connecting.
In the Dialogue, both partners cross a bridge into each other’s worlds, motivated not only by
the Receiver’s desire to be “hear and understand” but also to meet the Sender’s need to be “heard and understood.” The Dialogue fosters intentionality, a commitment to slow down our lives and devote specific uninterrupted time to our relationships. The Dialogue ultimately says to the other, “I respect
your otherness; I want to learn from it. And I want to share mine with you.”
One of the greatest learnings of Dialogue is the discovery of two distinct worlds. Whenever two people are involved, there are always two realities. These realities will always be different in small and large ways, no matter what. And the reality of the other person can be understood, accepted, valued, and even loved but not made to be identical to our own.
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Finding true love
The Dialogue must also be turned into action: we give our partners what they need, and not just what is easy to give. Now we come to the heart of the matter: in a Conscious relationship we agree to change in order to give our partner what s/he needs. This is a radical idea. Conventional wisdom says that people don’t change, that we should simply learn to accept each other as we are. But without change, there is no growth; we are confined to the fate, to remaining stuck in our unhappiness.
Change is the catalyst for healing. In changing to give our partners what they need, we heal our own painful experiences. Our own behavior was born in response to our particular deprivations; it is our adaptation to loss. In giving our partners what is hardest for us to give, we have to bring our hidden selves out into the light, owning and enlivening parts of ourselves. When we change our behavior in response to our mate, we heal our partner and ourselves.
I call the process by which we alter our entrenched behaviors to give our partners what they need stretching, for it requires that we conquer our fears and do what comes unnaturally. Our resistance reflects our defenses. Often we may feel that we're losing ourselves but we are not ourselves now; it is in the crucible of change that we regain ourselves.
Over the course of time, as our partners demonstrate their love for us, as they learn about and accept our hidden selves, and as we stretch to love our partners, our pain and self-absorption diminishes. We restore our empathic feelings for our partners, and our feelings of connection to the other that were lost in the pain of our childhood. Finally we learn to see our partners for themselves, with their own private world of personal meaning, their own ideas and dreams, and not merely as extensions of ourselves, or as we wish they were. We no longer say, "You liked that awful movie?", but rather "Tell me why you liked that movie. I want to know how you think."
Finally, we can relax; everything is all right.
A conscious relationship is a spiritual path which leads us home again, to joy and aliveness, to the feeling of oneness we started out with. All through the course of Imago Practice, we learn to express love as a behavior daily, in large and small ways: in other words, in stretching to give our partner what they need, we learn to love. The transformation of our relationships may not be accomplished easily or quickly; we are setting off on a lifelong journey.
myway
Banned
BIKINIMOM said:
That makes sense.
I have considered leaving several times because of his lack of effort. He tells me he is trying but just isn't good at facing conflict. He says he has done his best.
Sounds to me like he's not motivated.
I am gonna give the therapy thing a shot for 2 reasons:
1. My dad talked me into it......says I will have less guilt if I do need to leave
2. I think therapy will speed up the process(good or bad)
digimon7068
New member
PuddleMonkey said:
i had you fixed dumbass. . .don't you remember??
digimon7068
New member
i saw people get back together. . .once. . .doesn't happen very often imho. . .
bigmann245
New member
im here for ya if you need to vent. your doing the right thing. wish there was more i could do.
digimon7068
New member
myway said:
didn't you, like, just have a kid and stuff? that's a big change and it takes time to get used to. . .give yourselves a little break before you just go rushing into another big change. . .
digimon7068
New member
myway said:
like???
bigmann245
New member
myway said:
wow you sound just like me. if it werent for my son i would have left many years ago.
needtogetaas
New member
I have left the house for a few days many times. Its like just getting out to cool off. She always calls me to come back. Its good to take a brake like this some times.myway said:
seaking420
New member
I dont know your situation at all but after going through everything that I've been going through.....seeing marriage councelors and individual concelors......that both actually (3 my wifes IC too) say dont stay in a marriage for your children........i could give many reasons why.
Longhorn85
New member
needtogetaas said:
True, but does she take the same type of break once in a while, and do you call her to come back?
myway said:
I think its good that you're going through with it anyway. Since he denies cheating, he has to stick to his story, so he has to insist that there is no need for counseling to be consistent.
The fact that he is going along with you, even if he says it is not necessary, is a good thing, IMO.
Cindy!!!!!!!!
digimon7068
New member
cindylou said:
i have an aunt and uncle that actually got divorced and stayed that way for a couple of years and then they remarried. . .it was like 20 years ago and they're still together. . .that's the only one i've ever seen, though. . .
cindylou said:
squatmonkey
New member
They were beatin up on the monkey earlier in this post. I would have had your back if I would been here sooner puddle..
Pat_McCrotch
New member
myway said:
divorced. Dont waste your time. He or you will like the freedom and want a divorce. just end it.
squatmonkey said:
Us monkeys gotta stick together.
squatmonkey
New member
Next time dont call that guys road bike a ten-speed cause its got like 20 gears.
