Okay, this is a total ADD post...lol. I'm everywhere. I read once that most predators don't know they are predators, and most prey don't know they're prey. You give someone access to delicate parts of your soul and they damaged it. Since I believe we are more than just our bodies, I think while people can hurt and kill someone physically, people can damage and try to kill someone's spirit or soul.
I think it's difficult because you were with him for so long and exposed to it for so long. It was truly traumatic for you, I truly believe that. I think it's comfortable because we want to think that all people have good in them, all problems can be solved, good will always win in the end, won't accept that some of us are just play things for sadistic people, and forces; just objects to them. We have to accept that these people exist and there is nothing we can do about it, and we don't want to. We want to hold them responsible, tell them how they are, why can't they see their disorder? It will drive us mad if we do this for too long, they will never see it. Sam Vankin calls it malignant optimism. Lol. I have it, I have this need to believe that good will always win over evil (it will) and order will always win over disorder, but I think some of us seem to delude ourselves into thinking we can control that victory in others ourselves when we can't. They have magical thinking but so do we. We don't want to accept that they are sick, we want to hold them responsible. When I was a kid I was exposed to someone that was really sick and fugged me up a little but instead of taking it personally I decided the person was sick and that I didn't want to internalize the sick just because I was exposed to the sick. I just sorta absorbed it, but I didn't keep it internalized. Pity is the word I'm looking for. Pity for him and sorrow for the world and humans as sick and cruel as we can be towards each other.
You've gone through all the stages of moving on. You've replenished your self esteem and grieved the person you were that trust and loved with innocence. You still have empathy, you're still able to feel love, even feel hate. Shouldn't we pity those who can't feel? They are miserable creatures; creating hell on earth for themselves, and they'll never have the ability to realize it. They will never get better unless by the grace and mercy of God. What a terrible, hellish, burning miserable existence. It makes my heart burn when I think these people live like this. This personal hell does not need a lock and chain on it's doors, these people don't want out.
No matter what anyone does to you they can not take away your ability to do good. You don't find forgiveness, just the place where you give it; it's an act of your own free will. We have the ability to hurt others just like others hurt us. If we see ourselves in them, we can see that they are just afraid; they have their own wounds, just like we do, we do and have hurt others too. Then, we will be able to see in ourselves our own inner darkness and allow our higher power (or ourselves, whatever your flavor) to give us the thing we always wanted ; real love.
Most people don't realize once they are in an intimate relationship that the other person you're with has given you access to their emotional pathways, access to the most vulnerable parts of their soul, and we have to watch who we give that access to ourselves, so we can never forget. So, while we have to guard our hearts we have to guard their hearts too (those who give us access to their hearts) With two people guarding and caring about the other person's heart and soul as much, even more than their own, I don't see how you can go wrong because there is no selfishness in that place and there is real agape divine love. Peter Kreeft calls that love hard and precious, like a diamond and I won't allow myself to love anyone again that can't grasp that.
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