hoping someone can relate

[Gymgurl]

This is one area that has made me think twice about competing....I was both also years ago and the weight thing can freak me out a little still....Good luck to you!

 

[Bikini Mod]

..

 

[tps]

dieting for a show is almost 100% mental..for me anyway. i suffered from anorexia when i was a kid and discovered bulimia when i realized i could have my cake and eat it too. i wont lie, the strict diet does bring that voice in my head at times...but you have to remember...that cake/pizza what ever..will always be there...this moment, time to compete, wont be. when i give up the stage..i can have it all if i want it..(not that i will) but i sacrifice it fo rnow, b/c this is my goal and i want to win! get the shit food outta the house....all of it...im with sassy..the pb went bye bye..anything that would lead me off track..i make my husband keep his jar of peanuts in hi struck, just so i wont have to see them! lol! stay stong girl....

 

[Gymgurl]

The fact that you wil gain up to 15 pounds days after a show has me a little freaked out and not sure of I can handle that

 

[Bikini Mod]

I have a question for you. Are you doing this truly because YOU want to or because you feel the need to prove something to someone?

Back before I was supposed to do my last competition I was becoming increasingly more ill with GI troubles (that have nothing to do with old eating disorders) and my personal life was totally out of control. "My friends" were pushing me to compete because they thought that it "would get my mind off of my troubles". It actually made it worse when I had to withdraw and have surgery - NOT ONE of my friends was there for me: one week alone in the hospital and godawfull sides from the surgery and I STILL had to go back to work - fighting an ugly divorce/custody battle... I was utterly alone - EVERY SINGLE ONE OF "MR FRIENDS" LFET ME HANGING BECAUSE I COULD NO LONGER BE A PART OF THAT WORLD. They even said that I was faking my physical ailments because I was an "attention whore". But I digress...

I never competed again, nor have I had the desire. My physical ailments prohibit even the thought of it.

But now I have to tell you that during my first two shows I was still very much suffering with bulemia and my physique though amazing from what it was before - was nowhere near where it was after I got those issues under control.

May I be blunt?

If you can not get these internal issues under control BEFORE competing you may actually be doing more physical/emotional harm than good. I realize the VERY STRONG desire to "make it go away" and do the things that YOU WANT TO DO. But to bring all sorts of extra pressure on yourself like this is NOT the answer.

Even if you never do one show.... so?

I competed and while it was very cool (my girls saw me on stage and began to have a sense of pride about me they never had before) I dont have a single trophy or photo as it was before my divorce. My ex discarded EVERYTHING. But I realized a lot during the process and that was "trophy" enough for me.

I realized that though I had "the perfect" physique because I was lost on the inside I was equally miserable, if not more so.

Now I am free from all bulemia and anorexia - and have been for years. Do I have thoughts? On occasion. I think I always will but because I have come to truly LOVE the "me" that is on the inside I surround myself with solid people that LOVE ME I no longer feel the need to hurt myself that way.

I dont know if this helps you or not.

If you want to discuss anything drop me an email or PM.

It always distresses me when I see another hurting.

 

[TrapQueen]

I have a question for you. Are you doing this truly because YOU want to or because you feel the need to prove something to someone?

thank you so much for your words. when you said your physique was amazing but nothing compared to after you got your bulimia under control, that gives me a lot of hope bc that's what i want, to be free from the disease and to pursue what i love even more fully.

i do want to compete for myself-at this point it's to prove to myself that i can, and a small part of me is bc of some people from the past, i'll look at that further, but mostly it is for me, i think it's perfect for me, it's meant to be.

and i totally appreciate your bluntness-i really need to hear that this is something i need to take care of b4 i compete, bc i know that's true, but i'm having a hard time accepting it, and letting go. i've set myself up like this before where i pick a show, announce it to people-big mistake won't do that again, and have to back out, now the date approaches and i go through all this grieving over it, shame, did i do the right thing etc etc. it's crazy. i have to get over this need to hurry into this-i have always been plagued by the feeling that time is running out and that i'm behind, i think partly it's my perfectionism/drive, but right now this is killing me, i'm mentally/spirtually a wreck and i am going to try to let this go for now and keep telling myself it will happen, there's lots of shows, and when i do i'll be better than i am now by far. thank you again, keep in touch

 

[Sassy69]

I can't speak to the eating disorders myself, though I've probably always had an internal complex about my body as it is only a few times in my life I've truly been happy w/ my body. But one of the biggest things that competition does is bring you to terms w/ your body & mind - you either learn from it or get fucked by it. The "perfection" you are looking for is so fleeting when you are in competition mode. You spend 16+ weeks focusing on about 5 minutes on stage on a certain day. As soon as that is over, you have maybe 1 day before the weight starts coming back. But to Gymgurl's comment - sure you can gain 15 lb in a couple days - but most of that is water. Welcome it - its your body trying to get back to "normal". But keep it in check and don't feel bad about it. Its just the final phase of the competition cycle. The show is NOT the final phase -- its just the point everyone else judges you. Before & after are phases that really only you judge yourself. These are the times when you have to look beyond the outside (which is usually "too fat", "not enough muscle", "need to lean out more", "too watery", etc...) to what you are looking to accomplish, the accomplishment and then the recovery. Those are the times I think where we beat ourselves so much further down than needed because we will perpetually judge ourselves against that short period on stage.

Sorry - that got a little preachy -- but for all the work to get on stage for a couple minutes, there's a whole bunch of pressure & pain to get there, and then the post show rebound to deal w/. But it is always an ongoing cycle. Keep the frustrations & extremes to a minimum & you'll enjoy it THe whole process is truly a study in human control.

 

[TrapQueen]

thanks for the input, it helps to know what to expect b4/after comp, and it makes sense what you said about coming to terms w/your body when you compete, it's such a paradox bc right now i am getting fucked by my mentality, i am sabotaging myself, it's a big part of the disease, but at the same time, as i recover i can learn to channel my focus and use the same drive and determination in my favor, in other words, to be a bb you have to be an obsessive/addictive type person to some degree anyway just to stay w/it through all the pain etc, but it's that same trait that right now is dragging me down, but that is also why i know it is perfect for me and once i overcome the disorder and keep working through the issues, i'll be free to pursue the sport all the way. trapqueen

 

[Beauts]

Hey Trapqueen,

I totally understand where you're coming from. I'v been bulimic since before I was even a teenager. This whole thing is really scary. Today I was told 2000 calories!!! Man, that really scared the shit out of me. But you know what? I'm thinking - I've done things "my way" (the wrong way) for all of these years. I just turned 32 and I still struggle with food everyday. So what have I got to lose?? Nothing, I figure. I've waisted all of this time suffering, throwing up my food, starving and the funny thing is - I'M STILL FAT!!!! So, what the hell. Let's try this! Let's see what it's like to be really healthy and look good in a way that won't kill us. In a way that we can REALLY see ourselves living for the long haul!!!

B