hoping someone can relate

[TrapQueen]

undefined
i am new, female 5'5" 150 bf 14% training-cardio 2x day, weights 5x wk, 9 wks out from 1st comp, i am bulimic and having a very hard time dieting down, i am in recovery from other addictions and trying to recover from the bulimia but having a terrible time, dieting is triggering it even worse, i feel totally alone, there has to be someone who competes and is in recovery from this. i've reached out for help and the only response i got was from one person that discouraged me from competing (not on this site). i was prepping to compete last year and 5 wks out had to make the decision not to bc of this, i did the same thing again prepping for one that'll be next month and now i can't do it so i am looking at june but i am barely hanging on, miserable, depressed-seriously needing help. can anyone relate to me?
trapqueen

 

[the-short-one]

undefined
i am new, female 5'5" 150 bf 14% training-cardio 2x day, weights 5x wk, 9 wks out from 1st comp, i am bulimic and having a very hard time dieting down, i am in recovery from other addictions and trying to recover from the bulimia but having a terrible time, dieting is triggering it even worse, i feel totally alone, there has to be someone who competes and is in recovery from this. i've reached out for help and the only response i got was from one person that discouraged me from competing (not on this site). i was prepping to compete last year and 5 wks out had to make the decision not to bc of this, i did the same thing again prepping for one that'll be next month and now i can't do it so i am looking at june but i am barely hanging on, miserable, depressed-seriously needing help. can anyone relate to me?
trapqueen

hey, sweetie.

first off, you are hugely BRAVE for posting honestly here. You are welcome anytime, and we will do what we can to help you.

I am not a competitor, but several women here are. I'm sure Sassy (who's our acting "house mom" ) will be here shortly. Hang in there.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Have my girls with me this weekend so I wont be able to give proper response for a bit.

I used to be a competitive bodybuilder and fitness/swimwear model - also suffered from bulimia and anorexia back in the day, but mostly bulimia.

I'll try to help you with whatever I can.

The good news is you dont HAVE to be a slave to eating/body image disorders.

I'm living proof... and I am sure there are others here as well.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

Hi Hun,

Getting comp ready is no easy task takes a toll on the body and the mind. What ever you do make sure you don't feel like you have to do the compatition. There is other shows so if for what ever reason you decide not to continue you will be ok there are tons of other shows. If you tough it out you will feel the great reward at the end regardless of how you do. At your currents sats you look way better the about 99% of the population so be proud of that. In addition I it sounds like training has aided in your recovery from the eating disord which is great. A very warm welcome to elite lots of info on this board and most importantly lots of support.

 

[que_66]

Friends are angels who lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

There are lots of angels on this site. Welcome to EF!!

 

[Sassy69]

hey TQ - posted on your other entry on the New to EF Ladies Board thread.

There's nothing easy at all about choosing to compete - just that on its own can have people (like my parents...) discouraging you. But at the end of the day, its' up to you to either do it or dont'. But also remember that if you choose to not do a show or delay it for whatever reason doesn't make you a bad person at all (lots of people have that view of their first show- including me & that just adds crazy amounts of stress & self esteem hits that are unnecessary) -- to that end, as I like to tell people, there's always another show.

In general you will get all sorts of support on this board. YOu can't always get exactly the type of specialized training / diet / comp prep info you need because that is something that is so individual that its very hard to do over the internet. But can you post up where you are now - diet & training regimen? Are you workign w/ a trainer now at all? And was there anythign in general that this person last yr told you to bail out of the show for?

 

[luvmoneybro2]

undefined
i am new, female 5'5" 150 bf 14% training-cardio 2x day, weights 5x wk, 9 wks out from 1st comp, i am bulimic and having a very hard time dieting down, i am in recovery from other addictions and trying to recover from the bulimia but having a terrible time, dieting is triggering it even worse, i feel totally alone, there has to be someone who competes and is in recovery from this. i've reached out for help and the only response i got was from one person that discouraged me from competing (not on this site). i was prepping to compete last year and 5 wks out had to make the decision not to bc of this, i did the same thing again prepping for one that'll be next month and now i can't do it so i am looking at june but i am barely hanging on, miserable, depressed-seriously needing help. can anyone relate to me?
trapqueen

Life's too short to let your enemies win, the best revenge is a good life.
Go get yours and forget the past the moment it happens .. I've got 4 sisters and i hate when they down.

 

[TrapQueen]

hey TQ - posted on your other entry on the New to EF Ladies Board thread.

There's nothing easy at all about choosing to compete - just that on its own can have people (like my parents...) discouraging you. But at the end of the day, its' up to you to either do it or dont'. But also remember that if you choose to not do a show or delay it for whatever reason doesn't make you a bad person at all (lots of people have that view of their first show- including me & that just adds crazy amounts of stress & self esteem hits that are unnecessary) -- to that end, as I like to tell people, there's always another show.

In general you will get all sorts of support on this board. YOu can't always get exactly the type of specialized training / diet / comp prep info you need because that is something that is so individual that its very hard to do over the internet. But can you post up where you are now - diet & training regimen? Are you workign w/ a trainer now at all? And was there anythign in general that this person last yr told you to bail out of the show for?

my diet is 200 g protein/day, 150 g carbs on training days, no added fats, and 225 g pro/day, 100 g carbs on days off. --if i follow it perfect, which i did for almost 6 wks then slipped, and slipped again and again ... i get back on for a wk or more then fall off again. for the last two wks i upped my cardio from 1/day to 2x, 45 min. and 30 min., that's 6 days/wk, the weights i do 2 days on 1 off 3 on 1 off for the most part, all of that is going great, intense, still heavy. i don't have a trainer but a friend who's a competitor i sometimes train w/ but has kind of left me hanging here recently and i really need guidance w/supps etc. last yr when i didn't do the show i made that decision on my own--really hard one to make bc i felt (and now feel the same) i'm in a catch-22, i am too much of a perfectionist and prideful to go onstage if i don't look my best and if i can't do the diet near perfect i won't be my best. i've loved the sport for a long time, it's a part of me and i feel destined to compete, maybe i need to be more patient, i just don't know. i wish i knew that it won't always be like this w/the diet, that once i get more secure in recovery it'll be different (i know it's always going to be hard) but not to where i'm this dysfunctional. thank you for your help.
trapqueen

 

[Sassy69]

When is your competition & are there other show dates near that that you might also include as potential show dates? The reason I ask is that first time competitors (and often many shows after that) tend to come in better 2 weeks later even under the best conditions - there are so many variables in hitting a competition date, its nice to have at least one other date to either do as a second show or if for any reason you can't hit the first show (not saying to not do it if youaren't 100% ready - but rather if you get sick, if they cancel the show, whatever.)

Also I undertstand your goal of perfection -you might even tell me that you are like that even more than most, but I also have to say that you have to be very even keeled, realistic and very common sensical about competition. If you set yourself up for perfection on the first try, that's sort of setting yourself up for a guaranteed self-screwing. (I"m assuming this is your first show?) -- Even if you've trained your whole life, competition is a different beast. It often takes several show cycles of learning how your body reacts, building up lagging parts, improvign your self-confidence & presentation on stage, etc. to get "perfect" - so just want to make sure you are keeping this all in perspective. I've had some lifetime HYUGE highs and some lifetime devastating lows directly related to my experiences in BB competition -so its critical to be aware of the need for a good balance - I can tell you all about it but you will have to experience yourself & learn to deal w/ it on your own first.

The other aspect of competition is that it is literally a 24/7 training program - how you eat, what you eat, when you eat, training, cardio, recovery (!!!!), and then observing all of it to see how you respond to it and how you may or may not need to tweak it on a daily basis. Again - when you say you are a perfectionist -- there's no such thing as "perfection" in competition or prep - there are so many moving components and variables that you can't stand back & just go "if it isn't perfect I'm not doign it" - BB competition requires you literally to step back & take a look at yourself & your goals. You either do it or you don't. If you aren't in a good place mentally to be able to choose to not worry or whine about the day to day stuff and focus on the goal, you are fine. If for whatever you can't, then it is on you to either suck it up & deal or reschedule or redefine your goals. And im' not saying this to attack you at all - every time I compete I go thru a daily questioning of what am I doign this for & can I really do it. It happens to everyone.

Here's where the best way I see to approach this is focus on the things you do have control of. If you know you are having trouble w/ the diet -- start a journal here - be very honest w/ yourself about what you are eating & if there are any cheats. Be very honest w/ yourself about how important is that cheat vs. how good you feel if you don't cheat. Be very honest w/ yourself about what is important to you - I've already physically thrown 3 jars of peanut butter out my back deck into this scrub area behind my house because that is my one easy downfall during competition time. If I get an urge for junk food - I'll get a Diet Coke, or some gum. Or get your mind on something else - a common distraction for me is to start practicing my posing or go thru a bunch of music developing my routine. Anythign to get off the food thing. Whatever it takes to make you focus on where you are trying toget to. What made me a regular on EF in 2000 was trying to make it to my next meal while I prepped for a show in November of that year. This is part of developing "behavior management" tools for you to help manage yourself & not become subject to your perceived urges.

If you are comfortable w/ it, I'd suggest reading the thread on "So you want to Compete" on the sticky section on the top of this board. And also read thru some of the journals, e.g. tps, Miss24K, Aries, even mine (sassy69) - we are all prepping for competition and daily competing against ourselves to maintain sanity in life while prepping. Also, journalling has been a useful tool to help review what you've done and also to keep yourself honest on what you are doijg for your prep. That gives us a running context to see how you are doing, keep tabs & throw in encouragement, answer questions, make comments as you go. Nothing but complete support here so I hope you think that would help - and it will help us to understand more where you are coming from w/ your own daily challenges.

 

[TrapQueen]

When is your competition & are there other show dates near that that you might also include as potential show dates? The reason I ask is that first time competitors (and often many shows after that) tend to come in better 2 weeks later even under the best conditions - there are so many variables in hitting a competition date, its nice to have at least one other date to either do as a second show or if for any reason you can't hit the first show (not saying to not do it if youaren't 100% ready - but rather if you get sick, if they cancel the show, whatever.)

Also I undertstand your goal of perfection -you might even tell me that you are like that even more than most, but I also have to say that you have to be very even keeled, realistic and very common sensical about competition. If you set yourself up for perfection on the first try, that's sort of setting yourself up for a guaranteed self-screwing. (I"m assuming this is your first show?) -- Even if you've trained your whole life, competition is a different beast. It often takes several show cycles of learning how your body reacts, building up lagging parts, improvign your self-confidence & presentation on stage, etc. to get "perfect" - so just want to make sure you are keeping this all in perspective. I've had some lifetime HYUGE highs and some lifetime devastating lows directly related to my experiences in BB competition -so its critical to be aware of the need for a good balance - I can tell you all about it but you will have to experience yourself & learn to deal w/ it on your own first.

The other aspect of competition is that it is literally a 24/7 training program - how you eat, what you eat, when you eat, training, cardio, recovery (!!!!), and then observing all of it to see how you respond to it and how you may or may not need to tweak it on a daily basis. Again - when you say you are a perfectionist -- there's no such thing as "perfection" in competition or prep - there are so many moving components and variables that you can't stand back & just go "if it isn't perfect I'm not doign it" - BB competition requires you literally to step back & take a look at yourself & your goals. You either do it or you don't. If you aren't in a good place mentally to be able to choose to not worry or whine about the day to day stuff and focus on the goal, you are fine. If for whatever you can't, then it is on you to either suck it up & deal or reschedule or redefine your goals. And im' not saying this to attack you at all - every time I compete I go thru a daily questioning of what am I doign this for & can I really do it. It happens to everyone.

Here's where the best way I see to approach this is focus on the things you do have control of. If you know you are having trouble w/ the diet -- start a journal here - be very honest w/ yourself about what you are eating & if there are any cheats. Be very honest w/ yourself about how important is that cheat vs. how good you feel if you don't cheat. Be very honest w/ yourself about what is important to you - I've already physically thrown 3 jars of peanut butter out my back deck into this scrub area behind my house because that is my one easy downfall during competition time. If I get an urge for junk food - I'll get a Diet Coke, or some gum. Or get your mind on something else - a common distraction for me is to start practicing my posing or go thru a bunch of music developing my routine. Anythign to get off the food thing. Whatever it takes to make you focus on where you are trying toget to. What made me a regular on EF in 2000 was trying to make it to my next meal while I prepped for a show in November of that year. This is part of developing "behavior management" tools for you to help manage yourself & not become subject to your perceived urges.

If you are comfortable w/ it, I'd suggest reading the thread on "So you want to Compete" on the sticky section on the top of this board. And also read thru some of the journals, e.g. tps, Miss24K, Aries, even mine (sassy69) - we are all prepping for competition and daily competing against ourselves to maintain sanity in life while prepping. Also, journalling has been a useful tool to help review what you've done and also to keep yourself honest on what you are doijg for your prep. That gives us a running context to see how you are doing, keep tabs & throw in encouragement, answer questions, make comments as you go. Nothing but complete support here so I hope you think that would help - and it will help us to understand more where you are coming from w/ your own daily challenges.

thanks for all your input. there are several shows back to back. originally i picked one in april, since i got off track i planned for one in early june but there are a few in july, aug and sept. so i've had that in my mind-like a backup plan. i know i can't be perfect and that's my continual struggle and part of the addiction. i do know it's a 24/7 thing, i eat 6 times a day at the same times, i make a fd pln on an excel spread sheet that calculates the grams etc., keeping track of everything, i keep a training/supp/food craving etc log plus a journal for writing thoughts/feelings. my life revolves around training/diet. i'm the most disciplined person i know and at the same time i'm plagued by this addiction. i've done a lot of recovery work and will continue to, but right now it's like i'm a an alcoholic trying to get sober while sitting at the bar. i will read those entries you suggested right now.

 

[Gymgurl]

This is one area that has made me think twice about competing....I was both also years ago and the weight thing can freak me out a little still....Good luck to you!

 

[Bikini Mod]

..

 

[tps]

dieting for a show is almost 100% mental..for me anyway. i suffered from anorexia when i was a kid and discovered bulimia when i realized i could have my cake and eat it too. i wont lie, the strict diet does bring that voice in my head at times...but you have to remember...that cake/pizza what ever..will always be there...this moment, time to compete, wont be. when i give up the stage..i can have it all if i want it..(not that i will) but i sacrifice it fo rnow, b/c this is my goal and i want to win! get the shit food outta the house....all of it...im with sassy..the pb went bye bye..anything that would lead me off track..i make my husband keep his jar of peanuts in hi struck, just so i wont have to see them! lol! stay stong girl....

 

[Gymgurl]

The fact that you wil gain up to 15 pounds days after a show has me a little freaked out and not sure of I can handle that

 

[Bikini Mod]

I have a question for you. Are you doing this truly because YOU want to or because you feel the need to prove something to someone?

Back before I was supposed to do my last competition I was becoming increasingly more ill with GI troubles (that have nothing to do with old eating disorders) and my personal life was totally out of control. "My friends" were pushing me to compete because they thought that it "would get my mind off of my troubles". It actually made it worse when I had to withdraw and have surgery - NOT ONE of my friends was there for me: one week alone in the hospital and godawfull sides from the surgery and I STILL had to go back to work - fighting an ugly divorce/custody battle... I was utterly alone - EVERY SINGLE ONE OF "MR FRIENDS" LFET ME HANGING BECAUSE I COULD NO LONGER BE A PART OF THAT WORLD. They even said that I was faking my physical ailments because I was an "attention whore". But I digress...

I never competed again, nor have I had the desire. My physical ailments prohibit even the thought of it.

But now I have to tell you that during my first two shows I was still very much suffering with bulemia and my physique though amazing from what it was before - was nowhere near where it was after I got those issues under control.

May I be blunt?

If you can not get these internal issues under control BEFORE competing you may actually be doing more physical/emotional harm than good. I realize the VERY STRONG desire to "make it go away" and do the things that YOU WANT TO DO. But to bring all sorts of extra pressure on yourself like this is NOT the answer.

Even if you never do one show.... so?

I competed and while it was very cool (my girls saw me on stage and began to have a sense of pride about me they never had before) I dont have a single trophy or photo as it was before my divorce. My ex discarded EVERYTHING. But I realized a lot during the process and that was "trophy" enough for me.

I realized that though I had "the perfect" physique because I was lost on the inside I was equally miserable, if not more so.

Now I am free from all bulemia and anorexia - and have been for years. Do I have thoughts? On occasion. I think I always will but because I have come to truly LOVE the "me" that is on the inside I surround myself with solid people that LOVE ME I no longer feel the need to hurt myself that way.

I dont know if this helps you or not.

If you want to discuss anything drop me an email or PM.

It always distresses me when I see another hurting.

 

[TrapQueen]

I have a question for you. Are you doing this truly because YOU want to or because you feel the need to prove something to someone?

thank you so much for your words. when you said your physique was amazing but nothing compared to after you got your bulimia under control, that gives me a lot of hope bc that's what i want, to be free from the disease and to pursue what i love even more fully.

i do want to compete for myself-at this point it's to prove to myself that i can, and a small part of me is bc of some people from the past, i'll look at that further, but mostly it is for me, i think it's perfect for me, it's meant to be.

and i totally appreciate your bluntness-i really need to hear that this is something i need to take care of b4 i compete, bc i know that's true, but i'm having a hard time accepting it, and letting go. i've set myself up like this before where i pick a show, announce it to people-big mistake won't do that again, and have to back out, now the date approaches and i go through all this grieving over it, shame, did i do the right thing etc etc. it's crazy. i have to get over this need to hurry into this-i have always been plagued by the feeling that time is running out and that i'm behind, i think partly it's my perfectionism/drive, but right now this is killing me, i'm mentally/spirtually a wreck and i am going to try to let this go for now and keep telling myself it will happen, there's lots of shows, and when i do i'll be better than i am now by far. thank you again, keep in touch

 

[Sassy69]

I can't speak to the eating disorders myself, though I've probably always had an internal complex about my body as it is only a few times in my life I've truly been happy w/ my body. But one of the biggest things that competition does is bring you to terms w/ your body & mind - you either learn from it or get fucked by it. The "perfection" you are looking for is so fleeting when you are in competition mode. You spend 16+ weeks focusing on about 5 minutes on stage on a certain day. As soon as that is over, you have maybe 1 day before the weight starts coming back. But to Gymgurl's comment - sure you can gain 15 lb in a couple days - but most of that is water. Welcome it - its your body trying to get back to "normal". But keep it in check and don't feel bad about it. Its just the final phase of the competition cycle. The show is NOT the final phase -- its just the point everyone else judges you. Before & after are phases that really only you judge yourself. These are the times when you have to look beyond the outside (which is usually "too fat", "not enough muscle", "need to lean out more", "too watery", etc...) to what you are looking to accomplish, the accomplishment and then the recovery. Those are the times I think where we beat ourselves so much further down than needed because we will perpetually judge ourselves against that short period on stage.

Sorry - that got a little preachy -- but for all the work to get on stage for a couple minutes, there's a whole bunch of pressure & pain to get there, and then the post show rebound to deal w/. But it is always an ongoing cycle. Keep the frustrations & extremes to a minimum & you'll enjoy it THe whole process is truly a study in human control.

 

[TrapQueen]

thanks for the input, it helps to know what to expect b4/after comp, and it makes sense what you said about coming to terms w/your body when you compete, it's such a paradox bc right now i am getting fucked by my mentality, i am sabotaging myself, it's a big part of the disease, but at the same time, as i recover i can learn to channel my focus and use the same drive and determination in my favor, in other words, to be a bb you have to be an obsessive/addictive type person to some degree anyway just to stay w/it through all the pain etc, but it's that same trait that right now is dragging me down, but that is also why i know it is perfect for me and once i overcome the disorder and keep working through the issues, i'll be free to pursue the sport all the way. trapqueen

 

[Beauts]

Hey Trapqueen,

I totally understand where you're coming from. I'v been bulimic since before I was even a teenager. This whole thing is really scary. Today I was told 2000 calories!!! Man, that really scared the shit out of me. But you know what? I'm thinking - I've done things "my way" (the wrong way) for all of these years. I just turned 32 and I still struggle with food everyday. So what have I got to lose?? Nothing, I figure. I've waisted all of this time suffering, throwing up my food, starving and the funny thing is - I'M STILL FAT!!!! So, what the hell. Let's try this! Let's see what it's like to be really healthy and look good in a way that won't kill us. In a way that we can REALLY see ourselves living for the long haul!!!

B