hello!!! need some advice

[Bikini Mod]

For someone who is constantly ranting about the ineptitude of government agencies and officials, you certainly have a lot of faith in 911.

Part of the orientation we went through as perspective volunteers for The Family Place was to watch a short video about three different domestic violence situations. The first was an actual recording of a 911 call made from Highland Park, Texas, one of THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS AND AFFLUENT AREAS IN ALL OF TEXAS. It sent shivers down all of our spines. The call came from a woman who had been married for 17 years to a very powerful attorney. He threatened that if she EVER tried to leave him he would take her children. So she stayed... they didn't get into what finally made her summon up the courage to dial 911 but she was one of the lucky ones as the police got there relatively quickly. Nor was there information available as to what happened with her situation - meaning if she and her children actually were able to get out alive, together and able to rebuild their lives after the fact.

Most of these men don't stop EVER.

So you leave and move to another town, get another job and find a new place to live, how hard do ya'll think it is for the bastard to track her down? What about custody? You think that those men are automatically stripped of THEIR rights to the kids? Did ya'll know that it is actually COMMON for a woman to lose custody of her kids TO HER ABUSER?

It's a nightmare of epic proportions and unless one has been through it, they never really understand. That is why I take every opportunity I can to try and raise public awareness about the issue as I do believe it affects us all in some way, shape or form.

 

[jackangel]

It's an awesome sight to see razorgunt act like a complete ass. Sometimes, we forget.

 

[stilleto]

Hi tink. nice to see you here again, even if it is because of your bad situation.

Razorguns... believe it or not, i agree with bmom. i know two women very well (my neighbor, and my son's gf's mom) who almost got killed when they tried to leave their husband. both of them went to a battered women's shelter one day because they knew if they left, it would have to be secretive. They both left with whatever they could pack in the car, then went to court to be allowed back in the house (with police escort) to get the rest of their things. Do you think either of these mothers, who drove nice cars, wore nice clothes, and took care of their homes wanted to leave that way? they didn't. but they knew they had to.

Tink, make some phone calls, or walk into your local police station and ask for help. they know about the women's shelters and resources, or at the very least, will escort you to take your things and leave. can you go to your parents place? good luck.

 

[puddlemonkey]

He use to be mister wonderful, but after 3 years that has all gone down the toilet.

Interesting, so nothings changed in a year and a half when you made this post complaining about him not treating you well?


http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/chat-conversation/im-bbbaaaaccckkkk-581069.html#post7901193


The cycle continues because you let it. Sorry to be so blunt.

 

[KillahBee]

Interesting, so nothings changed in a year and a half when you made this post complaining about him not treating you well?


http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/chat-conversation/im-bbbaaaaccckkkk-581069.html#post7901193


The cycle continues because you let it. Sorry to be so blunt.

100% agreed. This isn't to take away from the fact that you and every other woman like you deserves better and will hopefully one day choose to better themselves and their lives. But, yeah, you have choices and free will and this crazy thing that BikiniMom always seems to forget women have - responsibility.

My guess is that you were molested/assaulted/beaten as a child, as many of these patterns suggest (read about it). And that's all you know of love. So you chase it. Then it gets bad and you retreat, then you chase it again. You may not know it, but you definitely have the blinders on (BM - that 'responsibility' thing comes into play here. WAAAAY to easy for an adult to use the cop out that these men never showed signs of this behavior. These women just choose not to see them or look for them IN MOST CASES).

Once you find a safe place to reside, I strongly suggest you speak with a professional to get to the root of why you CHOOSE to put yourself in these situations. Hoping you can find the strength to DECIDE to change your patterns and get into some healthy relationships.

 

[fortunatesun]

100% agreed. This isn't to take away from the fact that you and every other woman like you deserves better and will hopefully one day choose to better themselves and their lives. But, yeah, you have choices and free will and this crazy thing that BikiniMom always seems to forget women have - responsibility.

My guess is that you were molested/assaulted/beaten as a child, as many of these patterns suggest (read about it). And that's all you know of love. So you chase it. Then it gets bad and you retreat, then you chase it again. You may not know it, but you definitely have the blinders on (BM - that 'responsibility' thing comes into play here. WAAAAY to easy for an adult to use the cop out that these men never showed signs of this behavior. These women just choose not to see them or look for them IN MOST CASES).

Once you find a safe place to reside, I strongly suggest you speak with a professional to get to the root of why you CHOOSE to put yourself in these situations. Hoping you can find the strength to DECIDE to change your patterns and get into some healthy relationships.

I can agree with paragraphs 2 & 3 but I'm not sure assigning responsibility is the right choice.

To me, and I don't know that there's any experts out there that would support my way of thinking, these people repeat their mistakes not out of choice but because there's something in their psychological makeup that renders then helpless. Exactly the same as a gambling junkie is incapable of exercising self-control. To say that she's irresponsible doesn't really address the underlying cause of the problem, which could easily be clinical depression or a number of other random causes as much as anything else.

So I think your'e right about what needs to be done. I just think finger pointing is this situation is useless.

 

[ortiz34]

You have no help?

 

[stilleto]

kb is right too... you need to find out what makes you choose (and stay with) the wrong men.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Ok you want to talk responsibility?

IT WAS THE WAY THAT I WAS RAISED. I WAS TOLD THAT JEALOUSY IS PART OF LOVE AND THAT THE LITMUS TEST FOR A MAN *REALLY* LOVING YOU IS IF HE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE EVERY LIVING BREATHING MOMENT. Oh yea, and if he beats you and calls you dirty whore it is usually YOUR FAULT.

Spare me "the responsiblity" talk. I can blame my parents and my culture all I want, where will that get me?

Does anyone know where the expression "rule of thumb" came from?

Look it up and get back to me.

In my culture there is an expression. It states that "a man should count his money and beat his wife". So now who is to blame for all of the domestic abuse present in MY CULTURE?!

Stop blaming the victim people.

Yes, these women need counseling, but that won't get them safely away from their abusers TODAY.

How bout instead of asking why she stays we ask instead WHY HE IS BEATING HER.

I WILL REPEAT - I KNOW OF MANY INSTANCES WHERE THE MAN WAS AS SWEET AS PIE UNTIL THE WEDDING NIGHT. The dress came off and she was beaten to a pulp because "she made him mad." Now go ahead and leave....

My mother tried to leave my father before she became pregnant with my brother. You know what her aunt told her when she came to her begging for help? "Go back home to your husband and don't you dare bring shame onto this family. There are no divorced whores in our family." You think that still doesn't happen today?

TO THIS DAY MY PARENTS BLAME ME FOR LEAVING MY HUSBAND.

"COME ON, HE ONLY BEAT YOU ONCE. HOW BAD COULD IT HAVE BEEN?" "SURELY YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM MAD. DON'T YOU THINK HE IS SORRY?" and on and on and on. My sister is the only one who stood by me and after 6 years of my ex's abuse involving her family as well - she finally left the United States.

Domestic violence is NOT about anger management. It is about control. Once that man lets loose the words, "Either you stay or I kill you." There is NOTHING he will do to destroy that woman if she runs... nothing. He will take EVERYTHING FROM HER... And he will hunt her down and destroy the lives of anyone and everyone who tries to help.

Abusive pieces of crap like that don't stop.

These women need help. They need support. They need counseling too. But *tough love* is not where it starts when a woman begs for help from total strangers on the internet.

 

[Grumpy Old Man]

kb is right too... you need to find out what makes you choose (and stay with) the wrong men.

Fear.

Once again I will post this, a choice the woman makes is like choosing a couple prolific posters here, they both degrade women. But when the answer is why does the man choose to hit and abuse a woman. When all these big guys ask that question everyone will be better off. Think of a small child looking up to a 6'6" adult. The same thing with a woman, they have no other options, homeless, made fun of, blamed just like here and all the talk about her "Choices" well, let's see, homeless penniless and on the street... A typical woman tries to leave 7 times before she either is dead or finally gets out.

So before posting your thoughts without any experience except you are big and strong read the following if you can take 2 minutes before hitting your keyboard again. Since I went for a ride today there have been 11 women killed by an abusive ex and this time there were more than one child killed as well. How many does that make today? So they had a choice to leave and they had a chance to make better choices. Now that point is moot.

Domestic violence is on the rise. This article will look at the causes and conditions surrounding spousal abuse and the dangers involved with the choices of leaving or staying in the relationship.

Abuse is about control. And many women will choose to stay in the relationship because they are afraid of what would happen to them if they left. Beside the fear of being out on their own, most women believe that the abusive spouse doesn't mean it, and if they love the abuser enough, they will be happy and stop hurting them.


The fact is that abuse very seldom stops. Counseling abusive men only works if the abuser is willing to admit that they are the ones who are wrong, truly want to change-not to get back the spouse that they've lost, but for themselves-and have usually lost the relationship they are in. Most of the time, however, this doesn't happen. The abuser either stalks the spouse who left and either ends up killing them or at best moving on to another victim.

Before I go any farther-there is a rise in reported abuse by the woman in the relationship. There is an average of women who are the abusers, but this has gone largely unreported by the men being abused. From now on in this article, I will use the term ''abuser" and it will mean either make or female.

Domestic abuse accounts for over 50% of all calls to 911. That's half of all calls handled by police. Typically the police would go to the home and talk everyone down, leave, and then be called back up to several times on the same night. This changed when laws dictated that at least one of the couple be arrested on the first call. Why do people stay involved with angry, ignorant, abusive people? Typically it has to do with the self esteem of the one being abused as much as the abuser. If you are in an abusive relationship and are afraid to leave, please, seek some kind of help. Call the abuse hotline and get the help and courage you need to leave.

One of the biggest reasons for staying in an abusive relationship is that the abuser has told you that they will kill you if you leave. Unfortunately, this appears to be all too true. The most dangerous time for and abused person is three to six months after they have left the relationship, so please do not try to do this alone. There are good women's shelters (unfortunately, they are usually for women) with counselors who can keep you safe and help you every step of the way, from an emergency safe house to helping you get a place for you and your children to live to getting you the education you need to stand on your own.

The hardest part is sometimes deciding what enough is. Leave at the first sign of abuse, not the second or third. It has been absolutely proven that domestic abuse does not stop after the first time, it only escalates.